


Saving June

by SerenasRedemption, witch0000



Category: The Handmaid's Tale (TV)
Genre: Anger, Bathtubs, Canada, Canon-Typical Violence, Drama, Drama & Romance, F/F, Fights, Head Injury, Headaches & Migraines, Idiots in Love, Lesbian Sex, Love, Mental Hospital, Mental Illness, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pregnancy, Redemption
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-17 01:40:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 98,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28841046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SerenasRedemption/pseuds/SerenasRedemption, https://archiveofourown.org/users/witch0000/pseuds/witch0000
Summary: Everything changes for Serena Waterford the day Aunt Lydia decided to teach the Handmaids a lesson by staging a mass hanging in Fenway Park. Offred, (June), Serena's Handmaid, is pregnant, and Serena will stop at nothing to save her and her baby. Four days alone in a hospital room, and sharing Serena's bedroom at the Waterford's for several weeks, causes inevitable changes in their previously antagonistic and sometimes violent relationship. June holds a mirror up to Serena and she doesn't like what she sees. She sees what she might be without the need for bitterness and loneliness in her life. Gilead has lost it's shine, and they both need to escape, for themselves and the baby June carries.This piece diverges from canon quite substantially, and that is the intention.
Relationships: Commander Fred Waterford/Serena Joy Waterford, June Osborne | Offred/Serena Joy Waterford, Nick Blaine/June Osborne | Offred
Comments: 10
Kudos: 19





	1. The Hanging in Fenway Park

The rain fell in sheets as June was forced through the mud, dogs snarling at her heels when she stumbled. The stairs were slick as she followed the other handmaids. _No._ June’s heart nearly stopped when she saw the line of nooses, spaced 6 feet apart—a Gilead invention of expedience, allowing dozens of heathens and infidels to be hung simultaneously—and making clean up a breeze. June’s thoughts were first for Hannah, her sweet girl who’d been torn from her arms and given to another family to raise. Then for the tiny baby that grew inside her—who would never have a chance to grow up and try to escape this horrific place. Then for her husband Luke, who had died trying to protect his wife and daughter as they were hunted in the woods like prey. Then she saw Serena’s face flash before her. _Wait, really? She doesn't give a shit whether I live or I die. Why am I thinking about her?_ June thought, as she stood there in the cold, closing her eyes, imagining soft blue ones staring into her own. She was frightened. Terrified really. She felt so....so weak, dizzy, exhausted. She wanted to call out to anyone who might care that she was pregnant, but would it matter? No. She started this—when she dropped the first rock, refusing to cast a stone at her fellow Handmaid and friend, Janine. Aunt Lydia’s voice sounded far away, and she was saying something, but June couldn’t understand it. The rope felt cold around her neck. She hoped Hannah wasn't cold, wherever she was. She hoped Luke was somewhere beautiful, wherever the afterlife was. And Serena. She needed to apologize. But what for? What was happening in her brain at the moment? God, she needed to sit down. She felt the world spin and she struggled to stay standing.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Serena stomped up the stairs to Nick’s apartment over the garage, rage and fear fueling her every step. She opened the door without knocking, and saw a startled Nick, sitting at his small kitchen table smoking. “Where did they take her, Nick?” Serena demanded. Her voice was like ice, and it made Nick shiver involuntarily. 

"You’ll have to ask the Commander, Mrs. Waterford. I’m not allowed to tell you,” he said, looking miserable.

Serena walked over to Nick, slowly, and purposefully. “You will tell me right now. Or I will make certain that your next placement is supervising the unwomen at the colonies. I know your secrets, Nicholas Blaine. And if anyone finds out that you’re the one who impregnated the Handmaid, you’ll be hanging on the wall—if you’re lucky. “

But you ordered us to do that!” Nick protested.

“You raped the Handmaid. That’s the only explanation that anyone will believe. You forget who I am. I’m a fucking Gilead treasure. You cannot fucking touch me. Now tell me where Offred is immediately.”

“They’ve taken all the Handmaid’s who refused to stone Janine—I mean, OfWarren—to the old Fenway Park. They’re going to teach them a lesson they’ll never forget.”

“Nick, you have to stop them—they can’t hurt her! Janine was her friend—she couldn’t take part in killing her. Will the brutality of this place never end!” she exclaimed, holding back the hot, angry tears that were threatening to fall.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

June shivered, not able to hear what Aunt Lydia was saying because her ears were ringing so loudly. Ofdarren, standing beside her, with her own noose around her neck, gave her a worried look. Suddenly, the rain slowed to a light mist, and silence fell over Fenway Park, and June swore she could hear the sound of the dogs breathing heavily from far away. Everything seemed far away. Suddenly, pain. Raw pain shot across June’s abdomen and she bit back the scream that rose to her throat. How long were they going to drag this out? How long until they took mercy and killed them? She supposed this was torture itself, standing there with a noose around her neck. She'd never see any of them again, she realized with a low sob. Nick, Luke, Hannah, Moira, Emily, Serena. Serena. She didn’t know why it seemed so important to see her again, didn't know what she wanted to tell her. She just knew she needed.... _oh God...fuck_. Her knees buckled beneath her and she felt the rope dig into her throat. In the background, she heard shouting, and what sounded like an argument, two voices raised and angry. She tried to get her feet under her again, but she couldn't. She couldn’t move. Was she dying? Being hung? But everyone else was still standing. She felt she was slipping far away from everyone and everything. The last thing she heard before the world went dark was a gasp of shock.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Nick sped through the streets, trying to get to Fenway Park. Serena was beside him, twisting her gloves nervously, terror gripping her heart. When Nick had told her what the Aunts had planned for the Handmaids, she felt physically ill, and had to focus on her breathing so she didn’t vomit in the car. This was June—the woman who was carrying her child. How could Aunt Lydia be so dense as to not realize that a stunt like this would have extreme consequences for her. “Nick, tell me you didn’t have anything to do with planning this?” Serena said, her voice shaking.

“What? No! Of course not! I could never hurt her,” Nick replied.

“Who authorized this?” she asked.

“The same person who dragged June away in the black van and questioned her about OfGlen. The Handmaids are starting to rebel, and they wanted a dramatic show of force to scare the hell out of them so they’ll all fall back into line.”

“There’s discipline, and then there’s sadism. She’s carrying my child. Aunt Lydia is supposed to care for the Handmaids, not scare them into a miscarriage! I swear on all that is holy that if one hair on June’s head is harmed, I’ll tear Lydia apart with my bare hands!”

“Mrs. Waterford, you have to calm down. You don’t need to scream to get your point across with the Aunts and the Eyes. You have a great deal of power. It’s all about protecting the baby—remember. We want June safe too, but they won’t care about that—they only care about the baby. “

They pulled up to the horrific scene and jumped out of the car. Dozens of Handmaids were standing on the make-shift scaffold, their heads in nooses. It was a truly terrifying site. Serena’s eyes desperately looked for June, and when she finally found her, in a sea of red, her heart froze. Meanwhile, Nick walked quickly and purposefully up to the Eyes who were running this operation, and gave the order to terminate the exercise. Like Serena, Nick also had a great deal of authority in Gilead, because of his acts of heroism and bravery during the war. And he used every bit of his influence to convince them that enough was enough.

Just when Serena thought they were going to release the Handmaids, Aunt Lydia ran towards Nick and the Eyes, and started screaming. “Why are you stopping this? We have to teach these ungrateful whores a lesson!”

Serena’s vision went blurry, and she heard ringing in her ears. Without conscious forethought, she marched up to the group, the men parting and giving her direct access to Aunt Lydia.

“Mrs. Waterford, this is no place for you,” Aunt Lydia shouted, understanding that this had all gone terribly wrong somehow.

“Release the Handmaids immediately, and take this woman into custody,” Serena ordered, and the guards snapped to attention. The nooses were removed from the womens’ necks, and the Handmaids sobbed and clung to each other, frightened beyond belief and not quite able to process what had just happened. They walked as quickly as they could down the wooden steps, anxious to get as far away from this place as possible. They arrived at the bottom just in time to watch the guards take Aunt Lydia away and drive off with her in one of the dreaded black vans.

June sank to her knees, and Ofdarren helped her to her feet. "I’m fine, I can walk," June said unconvincingly. She got to the bottom of the steps, shaking her head as she sat down, not caring about the mud. "I'll be alright in a minute." Her head swam and she leaned forward, closing her eyes. Everything hurt. There wasn't a single bit of her that wasn't in pain, and she didn't think that she’d be able to walk out to the Handmaid van to whatever future torture awaited them. June slowly got to her feet, leaning heavily on Ofdarren, hoping she didn't pass out again. She wanted to be home, back at the Waterford’s, and take a hot bath and maybe if Rita was in a good mood, she’d make her some tea. _God...walking was NOT a good idea. Fuck. Not a good idea at all. Noted. Ok. Lean. There. Good June,_ she said to herself. Her head turned just in time to see a tall, striking, woman dressed in blue walking toward the exit. _Serena? Is she here? Why? What’s happening?_ June sank to the ground as another pain ripped through her stomach, and she hunched over, throwing up. "Someone get Mrs. Waterford. I can’t…" she groaned, shaking as she collapsed onto her side. She felt weaker than she could remember, and she closed her eyes in pain. "Hurry...." she whispered softly.

OfGary knelt down to help Ofdarren take care of June. She heard June ask for Mrs. Waterford, so OfGary ran over to Aunt Elizabeth “Offred is very ill and needs help. She’s asking for Mrs. Waterford.”

Aunt Elizabeth wasted no time and dispatched one of the guards to find Mrs. Waterford while she went over to the ailing June. She was barely conscious, her dress covered in vomit, and she was muttering incoherently.

"We need an ambulance--now!" Aunt Elizabeth ordered, kneeling down beside June and taking her pulse. "It's weak, but it's steady," she said aloud. Her heart ached for Offred--and for the other girls. Today's horror show was brought to them solely by Aunt Lydia. She's protested against the brutality, but her concerns were dismissed summarily.

"Offred, can you hear me? Offred stay with us!" Suddenly, the circle of Handmaids and Aunts surrounding June were invaded by a sea of blue.

"Let me through--she's carrying my child!" Serena cried. Aunt Elizabeth quickly relinquished her spot beside Offred and watched as Serena bent her head low and whispered into Offred's ear, too softly for anyone to hear. She removed June's cap and stroked her hair, feeling her forehead for a temperature. "Where's the ambulance! She's burning up!" Serena whispered urgently to Aunt Elizabeth, not wanting to alarm June. Serena had to hold back her emotions--she was all too aware that she was being watched by everyone, including the Eyes, the Aunts and the Handmaids. She placed her hand on June’s stomach, as if to assure herself that the baby was still ok, but it was much too soon to feel any reaction from the tiny embryo inside. June's eyes fluttered open and grew wide when she saw Serena, kneeling beside her, her fear and anguish palpable. Serena saw tears forming in June's eyes. "You're ok--we're going to get you and the baby to the hospital. You'll be ok," Serena soothed, wishing she could say more to comfort June—to let her know she’d take care of her no matter what.

Just then, the paramedics drove up and quickly got to June with their stretcher. "I'm staying with my Handmaid," Serena said firmly.

"I'm sorry Mrs. Waterford, we can't allow you to do that," the young paramedic said, while his partner looked on, horrified. Denying Mrs. Waterford anything was a career-limiting decision.

"I beg your pardon," Serena said, her voice cold and ominous. 

"Forgive us, Mrs. Waterford," the other paramedic jumped in, trying to save their lives. "He's new--of course you can ride in the ambulance with your Handmaid. It's your right. But we must go--now! Her blood pressure is dangerously low."

"Well what are you waiting for--get her in the ambulance, and let's go!" Serena ordered, wanting to scream at their incompetence, but not wanting them so nervous that they wrecked the ambulance..

When they arrived at the hospital, they rushed the Handmaid into a room and immediately put her on oxygen and hooked monitors up for her vital signs--and the baby's. Serena stood back, but didn't let June out of her sight. She was furious—furious that Aunt Lydia's sadism had reached such epic proportions. And she was terrified. Terrified that this strong, brave, pain-in-the-ass woman was in danger of dying. _She can't die. She just can't!_ Serena thought.

She'd sent Nick to find Fred and tell him, but he returned shortly thereafter to let her know that Fred had left on an emergency trip to Mexico—there was a critical trade agreement in danger of tanking, and he had to try to save it. He hadn't even been able to get a message to him yet. "Never mind, Nick. There's nothing he can do now, anyway. I'll stay with Offred. The Commander needs to attend to business. Gilead's future depends on it." _And, he's a giant dick head, and I don’t need his brand of comforting right now._ Hours passed, and the doctors and nurses continued to run tests. Serena was glad they were being thorough, but surely, they must know what's wrong by now?

Serena found the senior doctor in charge of June's case and asked for an update. "She's in severe shock, Mrs. Waterford. Her body and her mind seem to have come dangerously close to shutting down, and we're trying to restore her body to a calmer state. She's been given a sedative, but our fear is that the moment she awakens, she'll be brought back to that moment of terror. I cannot condone what was done to the Handmaids, but I will say that it definitely put your child's life in danger," the doctor said, shaking his head.

"How—how is my baby?" Serena asked, almost too scared to hear the answer.

"So far, the baby is fine, but if we can't stabilize Offred and keep her calm, she may well lose this baby. You'll have to do everything in your power to protect her and your child."

"Thank you doctor. I will make sure she gets the very best care," Serena said as the doctor left the room. She took a seat in a chair beside the bed, and held June's hand, stroking the back of it with her finger tip. "Don't worry June. I'm here and I've got you. I'm not leaving this hospital without you." She settled back and tried to relax her tense muscles. She knew she would be here for a long time. 


	2. Amazing Grace

June opened her eyes and allowed herself a moment to take in her surroundings. The floors were white, the walls were white, the ceiling was white. Serena was holding her hand, leaning against her, and it filled her with relief-- and with fear.  _ Is the baby alright? _ June remembered the time she thought she was pregnant, and turned out not to be. Serena had screamed at her so ferociously she’d peed herself, and she’d banished her to her room for two weeks. June shivered, wincing in pain as she tried not to make a sound, or a movement, not wanting to alert Serena to the fact that she was awake. Another bout of nausea hit her, so she rolled onto her side away from Serena, and managed to pull her IV out of her arm in the process. Tears sprang to her eyes, as she threw up over the side of the bed and onto the floor, and when she was finished, collapsed back down onto the bed.

Serena startled awake, feeling movement from the hospital bed. June was retching over the side of the bed, and blood was spurting from somewhere on her body. She jumped up and ran to the hallway, screaming, “We need help in here!” When she turned back to June, she was struggling to lie back down, so Serena gently helped her get more comfortable. A nurse rushed in and took care mopping up the blood and replacing the IV line , while Serena grabbed a roll of paper towels and picked up the bile that was on the floor. There was nothing left in June’s stomach, since she’d thrown up several times today already. The nurse looked at Serena strangely. He thought about thanking her, but then thought better of it and wisely kept his mouth shut. He’d been around enough Wives hovering over their Handmaids to know that most would never debase themselves by cleaning up vomit on the floor. This one was different.

“She seems to be waking up a bit now, Mrs. Waterford. She needs to stay very calm—it’s really important. If she gets agitated, we’ll have to sedate her again, and it’s not good for the baby. Can you try to keep her calm?” the nurse asked.

“Yes, I’ll manage. Thank you for coming so quickly.” The nurse left the room, and Serena turned her attention back to June, and fussed with her pillow to make sure she was comfortable. 

June’s eyes were closed to keep the room from spinning and she felt Serena hovering around her.  _ She doesn’t give a flying fuck about me,  _ June thought. All of a sudden, June randomly recalled that it was Thursday, and she was supposed to help Rita bake cookies for Serena’s garden club meeting. She tried to sit up, and gentle hands settled her back in bed. "I'm fine. I can....I can get up. I'm alright. I think I just passed out.” She didn't protest as Serena grabbed another blanket from a dresser drawer, and wrapped it around June with a gentleness she’d never exhibited before. That was all it took for the dam to break. Just a tiny bit of kindness.

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Waterford." June whispered, tears flowing freely from her eyes. “I didn’t mean to endanger the baby. I…I didn’t mean to make Aunt Lydia do that to us. I’m sorry you came out in the rain. You…saved my life.” June unconsciously reached for Serena's hand, knowing she was on a tightrope, and getting dangerously close to inciting Serena’s anger. But she just didn’t fucking care. It had been so long since she’d had any sort of human touch—real human touch—never mind a comforting one. She didn’t even care if Serena didn’t really mean it. She was just grateful for any kindness she was sending her way, and sucked it up like a dry sponge to water.

Serena felt June reach for her hand, and she took it and squeezed in reassuringly.  _ The poor thing—she seems so fragile—so frightened. _ It unlocked a reserve of compassion that she rarely tapped into, and Serena spoke softly to June, telling her that it was all right—she was there, and she would take care of both her and the baby. Nothing was going to happen to her on her watch.

“Why, Serena? Why did you save me?” June asked.

Carefully, she considered her answer to June’s question, and went with the one that held the most truth. “I just had an awful feeling that something was terribly wrong. I was speaking with one of the other Wives, and they mentioned that the vans had come to pick up all the Handmaids—we were all worried, but I just had this terrible feeling about you--and the baby, of course. So I made Nick tell me what was going on and we rushed over to Fenway Park to stop them. I might have lost my temper with Aunt Lydia, but I don’t think she’ll be staging any more hangings anytime soon.”

June’s breathing gradually returned to normal as she focused on the soft voice in her ear, the promise of safety from the powerful woman, who was both loving and lethal at the same time. _ She’s a lioness _, June thought, letting herself close her eyes as she listened to Serena, softly humming. She recognized the song--Amazing Grace--and let her mind take her back to that rainy morning. She tried to remember what Serena had said to her, what had calmed her so much as she lay in the mud, barely alive. 

"Hey, can you sing it again?" she asked, offering a soft smile when she raised her head to look into Serena's eyes. "Please. I...haven’t heard music in a while. That's actually one of my favorite songs.” She relaxed again, and felt Serena gently caressing her stomach, and realized, with great embarrassment, that she’d been singing to the baby. _Of course!_ June mentally kicked herself for dropping her guard. _Fucking idiot. What reason would Serena Joy Waterford have for caring about me at all? I’m just a Handmaid. I don’t mean anything to anyone anymore._ _Serena doesn’t give a fuck that I’m hurting. She only cares about the baby, that I’ll be forced to hand off to her in about seven months._ It hurt, but it was the truth. Good God, she was crying again. What the hell was she thinking? _June, don’t show any more weakness to this woman. Don’t expect any kindness. Whatever she’s showing you now, it’s all for the baby. Serena doesn’t give a rat’s ass for you._

“Shhh..., June, don’t cry, please. I’ll sing anything you want me to sing, but please don’t cry. The doctor said you need to stay really calm, or else they will have to sedate you, and that’s not good for the…for you,” Serena said, wondering if indeed, she should have the nurse come back in and sedate her.  _ I don’t know what’s going on with June, but I think it’s more than shock. _

"I'm sorry. I have no right to ask you for anything. I'll…try to calm down." June made herself relax, still stubbornly not letting go of Serena’s hand. "Your singing calms me down. You calm me down,” she whispered.

Serena kept June's hand in hers and removed the hand that had been on her stomach and instead, gently brushed the hair off of June’s face. It reminded June of the way her mom used to comfort her when she would cry.

"It's all right. Today, because I almost lost you, I will do anything you want me to, starting with your favorite hymn... by the way, it's my favorite too."

June relaxed, closing her eyes as she listened to Serena's velvety voice. This was as close to comfort as she was going to get today, and she was going to take it. Serena had been a singer before Gilead, and June could understand why she'd been so popular. That such a beautiful, ethereal voice was attached to a woman capable of great cruelty was one of the universe’s sick jokes. "You sing like an angel" June whispered, looking up into Serena’s face. "Hey....what's wrong?" she asked, seeing a tear slip down Serena’s face.

“Nothing—it’s nothing. I haven’t sung for anyone in a long time and I just got a little emotional,” Serena said, quickly dashing the tear away from her eye.  _ Keep it together, Serena! June is not in her right mind, and she’s tugging on all your heartstrings. She’s just the Handmaid. The one who’s carrying your child. _ Serena scolded herself, and tried to get a grip on the fierce protectiveness that was overtaking her.  _ It’s those blue eyes—they’re filled with fear and longing and desperation, and I don’t know how to help her—I…I can’t.  _ “Why don’t you try to sleep a little more?” Serena suggested, hoping desperately that the power of her suggestion would work. “You’re dehydrated from all the vomiting, and you’re still in shock. You need to rest.”

"Ok, I’ll try. Will you stay with me?" June asked, adjusting herself on the bed, not letting go of Serena’s hand that she was still clutching. "I'm sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. You can go wherever it is you usually go on Thursdays if you need to. You don’t need to…shit,” she murmured, as a wave of dizziness passed through her. "Could you get me some water?"

“Here, take a sip from the straw,” Serena said, holding the cup for her. When June had taken a few small sips, she put the cup down and dislodged her hand from June’s. “I’m going to get the doctor—this isn’t right. You should be feeling better. They need to give you something to help you.”

Serena walked out of the hospital room and found the senior doctor that she’d spoken to before, standing at the nurse’s station.

“Doctor, is there anything you can do to make Offred more comfortable? She has a lot of nausea and dizziness, and she seems to be in pain.”

“Nurse, come with me. We need to review her chart again—we missed something. Mrs. Waterford, I promise, we’ll take good care of her. You’ve been here for hours. Why don’t you get some coffee or something to eat from the cafeteria.” 

“No thank you doctor. I’ll stay with Offred,” she said firmly, following the doctor and nurse to June’s room.

“Doctor, her oxygen stats are too low, and her heart rate is elevated.”

“Put the oxygen mask on her and push 5mg of Lopressor every 2 minutes for 3 doses—then after 15 minutes, start her on an oral dose. We need to bring her heart rate down and get her stats up. If her body isn’t getting enough oxygen in the next 15 minutes, we’ll need to intubate her.” Serena looked at the terror in June’s eyes, and it broke her heart. God couldn’t be this merciless—to finally gift her with a pregnant Handmaid and then take both of them away from her.

“Doctor, is there anything you can give her to calm her down?” Serena asked. “She’s terrified.”

“I’m sorry, but we can’t--not until we see how she reacts to the oxygen and beta blockers. We can’t suppress her breathing because that will just deoxygenate her further. “


	3. Defrosting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a comment and let us know if you're enjoying the story! And we love chatting with other Serena X June fans--there are so few of us!

June wasn’t sure what was happening, but she was pretty sure it was a big deal. The heart monitor slowly showed a return to a more normal heart rate, and June focused on breathing evenly. She let herself relax, letting her eyes focus on Serena until they closed from sheer exhaustion. She opened them many hours later, to a darkened room, the only sounds being the beeping of the monitors, and light, even breathing. She was aware of the pressure of a body lying against her, but she made no move to change positions. "Mrs. Waterford?" she asked softly. June felt better. The dizziness from earlier had dissipated, along with the hopeless panic. 

Serena felt June stir slightly, then heard her whisper her name. Somehow, she’d ended up crawling into June’s bed—ostensibly to hold her and comfort her and make sure she stayed calm. And it seemed to work. Aside from turning towards her and laying her head on her chest, June hadn’t really moved all night. She had to admit, as awkward and uncomfortable as she usually felt around June, something had definitely changed. _It’s probably the pregnancy, and I’m feeling protective of her—that’s got to be what it is._ _But it felt…nice. Really nice._ She had stayed awake as long as she could so she could enjoy the feeling of a soft body lying in her arms. It had been so fucking long since she’d touched anyone outside of rage and desperation. And now, she knew she needed to wake up, but then this would all be over and they’d go back to being adversaries. Serena let out a breath and sat up on her elbow, not making any movements to dislodge herself from June’s bed.

“How are you feeling?”

June blinked, and turned to look at Serena, a smile perking up her lips before she could stop it. "Actually...pretty great. Best night of sleep since....well since...." She felt herself on shaky territory, so she deflected. "Hungry, actually. And a bit grubby from yesterday--a bath would be nice, but I don’t think I’ll be getting one of those anytime soon."

June thought she should leave it at that, and then decided what the fuck. "Thank you, Serena,” she said very softly as she took Serena’s hand and placed it on her stomach. "From both of us. You saved us." She smiled at Serena, hoping this new...thing between them, whatever it was, would last. She felt safer in that moment than she had since she arrived in Gilead. “There's not much going on inside there yet, but in a few weeks, the baby will start to move." 

“I’m glad you slept well, and being hungry is an excellent sign that you’re feeling better. I stayed up most of the night watching you breathe. I…I was worried about you—both of you. And you don’t need to thank me. I couldn’t leave you lying there in the cold mud with vomit all over you, now could I?” She imagined she felt the life in June’s belly under her hands, and that it was safe and happy. “I meant what I said before—I’ll always take care of you. And just to be clear, no more Mrs. Waterford, Ok? Unless there are other people around. Call me Serena."

"If you're Serena....then you should call me June. Alright?" she asked experimentally, looking at her before moving to get up. “Do you know when they are releasing me?" June asked.

Serena dislodged herself from June, and the hospital bed which was surprisingly comfortable, and filled a cup with water and handed it to her with a straw. Unlike yesterday, June was able to hold the cup on her own, but she was a long way from ‘ok’. “June, I’m really glad you’re feeling a bit better, but I don’t think you’re quite ready to go home yet. Rita can handle everything for a while until you’re 100%.” Serena straightened her dress and smoothed her hair back, and offered to help June wash up. “It won’t be a proper bath, but it might help you feel a little better. You must feel icky from all of yesterday’s craziness,” Serena suggested.

"Yeah I would like that. If you're ok with it." She gulped the water down, then handed it back to Serena before lying back against the pillows. "I feel gross. And I thought I was beyond embarrassment after enduring Handmaid charm school, but I don’t like that you’re seeing me like this.”

Serena didn’t respond to June and instead, went into the small bathroom attached to the room and filled a plastic basin with warm water, and found a washcloth and a towel. She carried them and placed them on the side table next to June’s bed. "Your gown is kind of bloody from when you yanked your IV out yesterday--let me find a clean one for you and we can just get rid of this one." Serena went to one of the drawers on the other side of the bed, and found a fresh hospital gown. She set it at the foot of June's bed, and went back over to the basin, soaked the washcloth in the warm water and gently wiped June's face and neck.

June felt the surrealness of what was happening to her right now—what she’d asked for and what Serena was giving her. To hide her nervousness, she thought she'd ask her about what happened the day prior, since her memories were sketchy. “All I really remember is...having a rope around my neck....then...you were next to me. Can you fill in the gaps?" June stole a glance at Serena, and tried to take slow, deep breaths and remain calm.

"When I got there yesterday, you were all still up on the platform with nooses around your neck." Serena paused to see how June was handling this information, and when she saw June nod her head, she proceeded. "Nick went over to the guard in charge and ordered him to put a stop to it. I'm sure he used the fact that you are pregnant as reason enough to put a stop to Aunt Lydia’s sadistic game. Plus he's still very well thought of by the other Eyes." Serena rinsed the cloth out in the water, squeezed it, and applied soap. June's arm had quite a bit of dried blood on it, and she wanted to make sure to get it off. She proceeded to carefully wash June's skin, and continued the story.

"I saw Aunt Lydia run over to Nick and the guards screaming at them. I guess she was angry that her show had been disrupted. Well, I shouldn't tell you this, but...I started to see red, and I couldn't control myself. Before I knew what I was doing, I stormed over there and told them to release the Handmaids immediately and to take Aunt Lydia into custody." Serena pulled down the sheet and began to wash June's legs, then worked her way over to the other side of the bed to take care of her other arm. "When I saw that they had released everyone, and all the Handmaids were making their way down the stairs, I thought it might be better if I watched from a distance, and I started walking towards the car. I wasn't going to leave until I saw that you were all back in the bus and being taken home again. Then I heard someone yell my name out--one of the other Handmaids I think--and I saw you lying on the ground, looking so pale. I ran over to you and you were covered in vomit and feverish. Aunt Elizabeth had already called an ambulance for you, so I stayed until they came. And then I yelled at the paramedics until they let me ride with you to the hospital. I stayed by your side the whole time. I wasn't about to let you out of my sight again."

Serena finished the story, wiped June's body dry, rinsed the washcloth out and squeezed it, and handed it to June. "That's as far as this sponge bath goes for me. I'm going to toss you this fresh gown, and you're going to take the one you have on off, and finish washing yourself. Then you can put the clean one on. While you're doing that, I'm going to see about getting you some breakfast, and me some coffee, and find out when we can go home."

"You need to eat too." June said, taking the rag and setting it to the side. "I mean it. Eat something. Not just coffee." A look that she’d never seen before flashed onto Serena’s face, but June wasn't sure what it meant. She waited until Serena left the room before pulling the gown off of her. It was a few minutes before she was done washing, and a few more for her to get the clean gown on and semi-attached in the back. She lay down again, exhausted by that small task. She pulled the blankets over herself, not realizing Serena's cloak was among them--she did say she’d been cold during the night--and closed her eyes slowly, taking a short nap before breakfast arrived.

“Mrs. Waterford? How’s the patient today?” the doctor asked cheerfully. Truthfully, he was terrified of her, and he didn’t want to do anything to get on her bad side. 

“Much better, thank you, Doctor. The oxygen and the beta blockers seem to have done the trick. She still seems very tired, but she’s not dizzy or nauseous any more. When can I take her home?”

“I’ll need to examine her, but frankly, I can’t see sending her home any sooner than tomorrow. Her body has been through a great shock, and I want to make sure that both she and the baby are safe when they leave here. The last thing they need is to be rushed back here. Offred may have a congenital heart defect that before now, was undiagnosed. I need to run another test, and I’ll know for sure. It’s probably not serious, but pregnancies can stress the heart more than normal. Has she eaten anything yet today?”

“I was just going to see about getting her something,” Serena replied.

“I’ll take care of ordering her breakfast and I’ll have it sent to her room right away. If she wants to eat, I want to make sure we encourage that, but nothing more challenging than toast and tea this morning. If she’s ok by lunch time, we’ll try her on something easy to digest like pasta or soup. I’ll see about prescribing something for her nausea when she goes home.”

“That sounds like a plan, doctor,” Serena said, releasing a breath she didn’t even know she was holding. When the doctor said heart defect, her stomach dropped and suddenly, breakfast didn’t seem so interesting to her.

“Mrs. Waterford, will you be staying with Offred until she’s released?”

“Yes, I will.”

“Then I’ll make certain the kitchen sends up two trays at every mealtime. And if you ever want coffee or something else, there is a small cafeteria on the 2nd floor for the staff and for visitors. It’s open until 7 every night.”

“Thank you so much doctor. I’m just going to step out for some fresh air before I go back to Offred’s room.” Serena was dying to smoke—the stress was starting to get to her, and now that she was relatively assured that June was going to be ok, her body was craving the peace that only nicotine could give her.

“It’s cold outside Mrs. Waterford. You should take your coat,” the doctor said, picking up the phone to place the breakfast order for June. Serena thanked him again, and walked back to the room to get her cloak. She looked in the room, and saw June asleep again, with her cloak draped on top of her, her nose buried in the cloth. The sight made Serena feel…strange. That was as much as she was willing to admit. She stepped out of the room, and headed outside to smoke. She wasn’t about to disturb June.

By the time Serena had chain smoked three cigarettes, she felt fortified and ready for another day in the hospital. She’d given herself a strong talking-to outside, away from June. She had to be careful. The kind of closeness that seemed to be developing between her and June was the kind that could get a wife sent to the colonies. And she looked miserable in gray, and wasn’t about to lose her teeth and fingernails shoveling toxic waste.

_ I’ll wait until June seems more lucid. Then I’ll have a serious conversation with her about how we need to behave with each other in public. We can let our guard down when there is some assurance of privacy, but we have to be careful. Gilead doesn’t allow friendships between Wives and Handmaids, and stamps out happiness wherever it’s found. _


	4. Truth or Dare

When Serena walked back into the room, June was finishing a piece of toast and was about to have another. Serena's cloak was now hanging in the small closet next to the window. She decided to leave it alone and not ask any questions about what she’d seen earlier, grateful June wasn’t getting crumbs on it. It was her favorite cloak and it hung perfectly on her tall, elegant frame.

“I see you managed to finish washing up and changing. I'm sure you’ll be up and about in no time.” Serena walked over to the far side of the bed and saw that a second tray was waiting for her. She took a sip of coffee and was grateful that it was the real stuff—not the fake swill that three-quarters of Gilead had to endure. She drank the cup rather quickly, and refilled it with the small stainless-steel pot that had been left on her tray.

“What did the doctor say? Can I go home?” June asked, fear starting to clutch at her. She didn’t like being in the hospital—although at least it was something different for her normal, monotonous routine.

“Not yet—maybe tomorrow,” Serena replied. “But don’t worry. I’ll be here to crack the whip on the doctors and nurses and make sure you get VIP treatment. And Rita’s bringing us some clean clothes today, which will be really nice—at least for me. And of course, my knitting, so I can have something to do with my hands.” June smirked at the mention of knitting. It was no secret that Serena hated knitting, but she put up a good front anyway.

“Oh, and the doctor wants to run a test on your heart. It may explain why you’re so tired. It’s nothing to worry about—you’ve probably had it your whole life, but stress and pregnancy exacerbated it.”

June’s face fell, and she was filled with dread. "No. They...they can’t! If anything’s wrong with me, they’ll send me to Jezebel’s or to the colonies. Especially if it’s congenital." June paused, trying not to get upset and making herself breathe normally. She was terrified of the prospect of being sent away. Not that being Handmaid was all that wonderful, but somehow it seemed better than being a whore or sentenced to death by toxic waste.

All thoughts of hunger disappeared, and she pulled her knees to her chest and tried to make small talk. “So...knitting? What's your latest project? More scarves? Or are you trying for a blanket this time?"

“June please don’t upset yourself. Remember, you have to take care of yourself and the baby. They’re not going to send you to the colonies if you have something wrong with your heart. I’m sure they gave you a full physical when they… I mean…” Serena paused, took a deep breath, and started again. “The doctor is going to find out what’s going on with your heart today and then we will go from there. I promise, no one is going to send you away. You know how Gilead is. If you have a quarter of a functioning fallopian tube, they’ll put you in a Handmaid’s dress and assign you to some impotent Commander. I know it’s terrible, but it’s true. So finish your toast, take a nap and later on, if you’re up for it, we can play a couple of rounds of Truth or Dare to occupy our time. You know, I truly despise knitting.”

June nodded, a smile on her face when Serena mentioned Truth or Dare. "I’d like that. As long as you don’t dare me to do anything too physically challenging." Normally, she’d be terrified that Serena would suggest such a thing and would suspect a trap. But Serena seemed different. Very kind. Very protective. Even if it was only for a day—June was going to take it.

She finished her toast, then pushed the tray away, laid back down and tried to get comfortable, as much as all the tubes and wires would allow. She fell asleep relatively quickly, which of course, gave Serena still more time to think. It seemed to be her curse and her salvation—the one thing Gilead couldn’t take away from her.

Of course, she was trying not to think too much about the baby. With June’s health still on the precarious side, she focused on praying for the health of June and the baby, rather than day-dreaming about how wonderful it would be to have her life’s dream fulfilled. Well, having a child was indeed a wonderful thing—but it really wasn’t her life’s dream. It became her life’s dream, when Gilead took her books, and her pen, and her ability to have a job, and own property and have her own money. There was virtually nothing left for her but to want what she thought, at one time, was every woman’s biological destiny. But now—she wasn’t so certain. So as she watched June sleep, she prayed to her God to protect this woman, and the child she carried. She got so emotional at one point, that tears formed in her eyes. She realized she wanted June to be ok most of all. She was a living, breathing person. The child was barely the size of a pea, and with the mortality rate for infants so low, she had to guard her heart against being destroyed if anything happened to it. But June? She could pray, and hope and bargain for her safety. 

A nurse came in to change June’s IV bag, and to give her an oral dose of the beta blockers. After he took her vital signs, he addressed Mrs. Waterford and gave her the update that her vitals continued to improve, and that she was scheduled for her cardiac test at 2 pm. She thanked the nurse and he left the room. She noticed June looking annoyed—possibly angry. She wasn’t sure. She’d been so fragile and grateful to Serena for the past 24 hours that she almost forgot who she was dealing with.

“I’m sorry if the nurse upset you by addressing me with your condition update, rather than you—especially since you are lying right there and conscious. It’s awful, and it’s not fair, but the truth of this situation is that because you are assigned to my household, I’m responsible for your care. So they thought it best to address me. But if you have any questions or information you need so you can feel safer, let me know and I’ll have the doctor come in and talk to us about your concerns. I want what’s best for you, June. Getting you back on your feet is the only thing I’m concerned about now. And of course, the baby,” Serena added, almost as an afterthought. “Now, how about we play a couple of rounds of Truth or Dare? I warn you—if it gets out of hand, we go back to silence and knitting. I’ll start. Truth or dare?”

June relaxed, turning on her side and wrapping the blankets around herself again. She bit back a snarky retort, so accustomed to starting arguments with Serena just to prove that she still could—maybe just to feel alive—or different. Who knew? She found herself wanting to be friends with this woman who she had an uneasy truce with at best, and at worse…well, that was bad. She looked at Serena, saw the concern she tried so hard to hide in her eyes, and the warmth she was beginning to show. She found herself wanting to please her, for whatever reason. It was probably best not to examine her motives too closely. "Truth." 

"Ok, what's your favorite flavor of ice cream?" Serena asked.

June grinned, glad for an easy question. "Vanilla Caramel." Your turn. "Truth or dare?"

“Truth please.”

“Let's see. If you could be anywhere in the world, where would you go?" June asked.

"Oh, that's easy. Fiji. The weather is warm, the beaches are supposedly heavenly, and I'd get to wear a bikini again."

June’s eyes went wide at Serena’s admission, and Serena laughed out loud. “Oh the look on your face is priceless. Does the idea of seeing me in a bikini horrify you?” Serena asked.

“Um…no, actually. I…I guess I’ve just never thought about you in a bikini, and now it’s all I can think about. And, for the record—it definitely does not horrify me, Serena. You know you’re a very beautiful woman.”

"Well that was a rather fresh comment. But because you are still recovering from shock, I'm going to let that one slide for the time being. The smirk on Serena’s face let June know she wasn’t really that offended--if at all. She was just keeping up appearances. “But watch it, June. You know I have a temper and I can barely control it most of the time. Now, truth or date?” 

“Truth please.”

“If you could only keep one memory for the rest of your life, what would it be?"

June smiled, "That would be when my daughter was born." Her smile faded for a moment, before it brightened again. "She made me so happy. I'd love to always remember that happiness if I could choose to." She looked at Serena. "Truth, or dare?"

Serena went cold when June mentioned the birth of her daughter. This...what they were doing...talking about their past as though they were two friends having coffee...could be enough to get June sent away, and Serena was certain that Fred would dream up a creative punishment for her. But damn it, where was the humanity? Gilead had taken everything away from June. Her child, for heaven's sake! They took her child from her and gave her to another family as though she'd given her up voluntarily. The more she humanized June, the harder it was to live with the sins that she was committing against her on a daily basis. "Enough with the truths...I want a dare."

June flinched when she saw Serena’s expression change, and hurried to make her smile again. She didn't know why the idea of Serena being upset tugged at her heart strings, but it did. " I dare you to...." She thought for a minute. " I dare you to order us ice cream " she smirked, a devilish smile on her face.

Serena’s face lit up, amused and relieved at June’s request. “Well, that would be something, wouldn’t it? I suppose I could give it a try, but I can’t promise anything. I haven’t spent any time in the Gilead hospitals, so I’m not certain what the food service capabilities include. And it’s not like I can call up Emack and Bolio’s in Brookline and have them send us a quart.” Serena left the room, promising to come back shortly. She walked down the hallway and found a kitchen staff person handing out lunch trays. “Excuse me. May I ask a question?” Serena asked, uncharacteristically pleasant and friendly.

“Yes, how can I help you, ma’am?” the woman, dressed as a Martha, replied.

“This is going to sound crazy, but does the kitchen ever serve ice cream to patients?”

“Sure—it’s one of the best things we make here. As long as the patient doesn’t have any diet restrictions, it should be no problem. What’s the room number?”

“It’s room 214, and she has a test at 2 o’clock this afternoon, but maybe she could have some with dinner. It might pick her spirits up. She’s eating for two,” Serena explained, playing the pregnancy card.

“Oh, it’s for your Handmaid, Mrs. Waterford! Praise be! We’re all praying for you and your baby, ma’am. I’ll be sure to send some up later this afternoon.” The woman gave a quick bow and resumed her duties, while Serena turned around, a satisfied smile on her face.

“Mission accomplished,” Serena declared to June, who lit up with delight. “But you can’t have it until after your cardiac test. You don’t get lunch until after either. But I would say that I have accomplished the dare, and that perhaps this might be a good place to end our little game, before you have me setting un-women free from the colonies.” 


	5. Dessert first

June looked at Serena, laughing softly. “Nice job, Serena. I’m impressed.” June tried to hide her fear about the cardiac test. She didn't know what was going to happen, or what they might find. She remembered she’d had fainting spells with Hannah, but never knew what had caused them. She wished she could ask Serena to go with her when she had the test. To tell her everything was going to be ok—maybe hold her hand? But she couldn't. Serena was being kind--now--but June had to remember who she was dealing with. If something was truly wrong with June, there was a high possibility of getting killed if she lost the baby. Serena had attacked her last time she found out June wasn’t actually pregnant. If that happened again---and it might—she might kill her this time.

"Hey, would you mind if I asked you something?" June asked, her breathing starting to quicken, as she unsuccessfully tried to fight her nerves.

"Why stop yourself now? We're clearly down some rabbit hole akin to Alice in Wonderland, so please...ask away," Serena replied.

"Will you be here, when I get back? And would you be willing to take into account the fact that if there is something wrong with my heart, it’s not my fault?”

"June, don't be ridiculous. I'm going with you. I have not left your side for one moment since I found you lying on the ground yesterday. Why on earth would you imagine that I'd let you go have a cardiac test, the results of which could have a significant impact on both you and the child...I mean, my child...you are carrying? I told you that I'm responsible for you, and I meant it. I'm not just going to let you go off by yourself. You need support. So of course I'm going with you."

"Thank you." June whispered. “For being here for me. For us."

The orderly came in with a wheelchair to escort June to the cardiac test. Serena watched as he helped her into the chair, and then walked beside June as they went to the testing suite. June was gripping the arms of the wheelchair so hard her knuckles were white. Serena discreetly ran her forefinger over the top of June’s hand, just to remind her that she was right here, and hadn’t left her side.  _ Obviously, I can’t hold her hand--she’s my Handmaid—she has to know that. But she is so scared. Sometimes I wish it didn’t have to be this way. _

When they arrived in the testing room, they were met by the cardiac technician. “All right young lady, can you get up on this table for me?” he asked. June looked unsure, but got up out of the wheelchair and managed to stand and turn her back towards the edge of the table. The technician lowered it a bit to make it easier for her, and then proceeded to have her lay down. He warmed up the ultrasound gel to make it more comfortable for her, and started the machine. “What are you testing her for?” Serena asked, knowing that the more information June had, the calmer she would be.

“This test will confirm what we saw in EKG, as well as her pulse oximeter readings. The echocardiogram estimates various heart functions, such as cardiac output, ejection fraction and diastolic function. Sometimes additional stress can cause something called Atrial Fibrillation. It just means you have an irregular heartbeat. Because it’s never been detected before, it’s likely that the pregnancy might have brought this on. But it’s completely treatable, and in fact, the beta blockers you’ve been taking may be all that’s needed to regulate your heartbeat.”

“That’s good, isn’t it Offred?” Serena said, placing her hand on June’s shoulder for a moment as a gesture of support. “So it won’t affect the pregnancy?”

“I’m not a doctor, but it would be very unlikely to affect the pregnancy, especially since we think we’ve caught it in time to regulate it. Now, please relax, and if you could slide your arms out of your hospital gown, I’ll be running the ultrasound on your chest. Serena watched as June did as instructed and without any sense of fear or shame, and certainly no modesty, laid on the examination table with her breasts exposed. The cold air made her nipples stiff, and the sight made Serena’s mouth go dry, and she felt her own nipples harden with arousal. Her eyes were riveted to June’s beautiful breasts, and she felt her panties moisten in response to the visual stimulation. She knew she should look away, or perhaps step out, but she promised June she’d stay beside her. The technician carried on as though nothing out of the ordinary was happening, but Serena knew that something most definitely out of the ordinary was happening. He squirted the warm ultrasound fluid on June’s chest, between and underneath her left breast, and ran the wand over the area. He was thorough, and spent approximately 15 minutes taking the ultrasound images, so the doctor could read them and offer the diagnosis. When he was through, he wiped June’s chest clear of the ultrasound fluid, and instructed her to put her gown back on. Serena swallowed hard, trying not to show any reaction. But it had been a very long, very arousing 15 minutes, and there was clearly nothing she could do about it but feel it.

June sat up quickly when the attendant left, and gasped when she felt air rush from her head. "I’m fine. Just....just a little lightheaded." She smiled in what she hoped was a reassuring manner at Serena, before pulling the gown back up her arms. "This happened when I was pregnant with Hannah. It's nothing major. I just got dizzy sometimes." She downplayed it, deciding not to mention the fainting. With any luck, Serena wouldn't ever need to know about that. She closed her eyes for a minute, wishing she could wrap herself up in Serena's cloak again. Serena’s smell offered comfort, and she didn't know, why exactly, but she did know that she was intoxicated by it.  _ Stupid hormones. Making me feel things I shouldn’t be feeling. _ "What?" June asked, suddenly aware she’d been spoken to. "What did you say?"

"I just asked you if it seems a bit warm in here? Although you're just about naked, so perhaps you can't give an accurate assessment." Serena pulled up the sleeves of her dress, and undid the first two buttons on her collar. She was saved from further awkward conversations with a nearly naked June, whose nipples were poking through her suddenly almost-sexy hospital gown, when the orderly came by with the wheelchair to bring June back to her room.

While he helped her into the chair, Serena's mind was whirling a mile a minute.  _ FUCK!!! This cannot, cannot be happening. It's just the stress of it all--that's it. This is a weird situation. I mean, June and I have been alone together, except for hospital staff, for more than 24 hours, and if she keeps getting dizzy and fainting, who knows how long we'll be stuck here. _ Serena walked behind June and the orderly, lost in her own thoughts. They passed the kitchen worker she had spoken to earlier, who smiled and nodded her head at Serena.  _ Good. We'll have ice cream soon. That should calm everyone the fuck down. _

June allowed the orderly to help her into bed, wincing slightly as she turned to lie down, facing Serena’s chair. Her head seemed to hurt when she was moving too fast, and she seemed only to feel lightheaded when she tried to stand, which was an improvement from her pregnancy with Hannah. She sat upright a few minutes later when she saw the dinner cart being wheeled in. A bit early, but that was fine with her. She was starving. She unrolled her napkin to reveal the silverware, not having realized how hungry she was until she saw the meal of soup, green beans, macaroni and cheese and, she noticed with complete delight, the dish of chocolate and vanilla ice cream with caramel sauce. 

"You didn’t!" She looked at Serena in shock. "Thank you!"

"Well, it was a dare. And I'm a woman of my word. You wanted ice cream, and here it is. Do you think you can eat your dinner fast enough so that it doesn't melt, or are you a dessert first kinda girl?"

Serena knew she was being flirty, but she was still turned on from staring at June's breasts for close to half an hour. Maybe she was just weak from lack of decent food.

June burst out laughing. "I think I'm a dessert first kinda girl. Tonight at least." She winked, leaned over, and softly nudged Serena. "What about you? Are you a dessert first kinda girl, Sereeenna? She drew out the last syllable of her name, hoping she hadn't overdone it. What was wrong with her? Had Serena been this fucking attractive the entire time June had been with the Waterfords? Had she missed it, or were these the hormones talking?  _ What the fuck? _

"Oh June, you know me. I'm a rule follower. Except when I'm not." Serena picked up her own dish of ice cream from the tray kindly provided by the kitchen staff, dipped her spoon in and scooped out a bite. As she put the sweet, cold treat in her mouth, she moaned out loud, and even to her ears, it sounded sexual. And she didn't really care right now. "That is so gooood," Serena said smiling like the cat who just licked the saucer of milk clean. She looked at June's reaction and it thrilled her that she'd managed to shock her.

June stared at Serena, her mouth agape for a few minutes, not quite sure how to respond, then decided she might be wise to leave it alone--sort of. "I can make homemade ice cream--if you ever want some more." she said, eating another spoonful. "You have a beautiful smile, you know. You're really...um...yeah." June turned beet red.

"I'm what, June?' Serena said, licking ice cream off of her spoon, slowly and deliberately, enjoying the feeling of June's eyes riveted to her tongue.

"Your eyes light up when you smile. It makes you look less intimidating--and even more beautiful." She blushed, trying unsuccessfully to keep her eyes off Serena’s tongue, and to keep her mind from wandering to all the delicious things it could do.

"Eat your ice cream, June. Although you still look really cold." Serena pointed her spoon towards June's chest until she looked down and saw her nipples were practically bursting out of her hospital gown. June felt self-conscious in front of the stunning, fully clothed, and extremely powerful woman who was enjoying the fuck out of that ice cream, as well as June's embarrassment. 

June crossed her arms in front of her chest, stammered a bit, and didn’t really know how to respond for a solid couple of minutes. She finished the ice cream, then started to eat her actual meal. "I am cold, actually," she said finally, allowing her eyes to travel to the cloak that hung in the cupboard. "I wish I had some sort of sweater." She knew she was being bold, but Serena seemed to welcome the banter.

"Here," Serena said, getting up from her chair and rummaging around in a bag that was in the cupboard, underneath her cloak. "Rita brought some clothes for us--maybe she brought your sweatshirt." Serena peered the bag of June's clothing and she saw the red sweatshirt at the bottom. "Oh, I guess she forgot it. But no worries," she said, pulling out her favorite, well-worn sweater. Would you like me to put this on you?"

June's eyes lit up. "Yes please." She said, trying not to sound too eager. She shivered, taking a deep breath.  _ Get a grip June. It's just a sweater, that happens to smell just like her...  _ "Thank you, Serena."

As Serena wrapped the soft wool sweater around June and helped her slide her arms in the sleeves, she leaned down and before she realized what she was doing, she kissed June's forehead, allowing her lips to linger a moment too long.  _ Fuck, I'm in trouble. I might as well just put myself on the goddamned wall. _

June wished she could somehow, accidently kiss Serena's lips, but she pulled away, alarm bells going off in her head. _Not here._ June moved to lay down again. "Can we go home...tonight?"

Serena moved away from June's bed and sat back in her chair. She needed to put some distance between herself and the increasingly less annoying and alarmingly attractive blonde Handmaid. "No, sorry--you can't go home yet. You can barely turn your head without getting dizzy and wincing. And they need to figure out your diagnosis and get you on the right meds. You're going to have to tough it out another night at least."  _ And I need a fucking cigarette or three or four, and a couple of stiff vodkas. _

June nodded, looking at Serena as she lay down. "Why don't you go take a walk? You've been cooped up here with me and I imagine it's driving you insane. At least one of us should be able to breathe some fresh air. I'll be fine, Serena. Really. " She rested her head on her arm, subtly inhaling the scent from the sweater. "Totally fine."

“That’s kind of you to think of me, but I’ll stay right here.” June was already drifting off to sleep, with a contented smile on her face. Serena felt a small amount of relief that June was safe and comfortable and for now, so was the baby. There was only so much she or the doctors could do. The rest was up to God. And Serena knew that she would only have her own baby if God willed it--no matter how badly she wanted it, or how hard she prayed for it. Serena settled into the chair and took up her yarn and needles. It was too soon to knit anything specific for the baby—besides, she had an entire hope chest filled with little sweaters and booties and blankets. She had enough for a dozen babies by now. But all she needed was just one. And June could give that to her. If they could get through this pregnancy without any more major medical events.

A nurse quietly opened the door and motioned Mrs. Waterford to join her outside the room. “The doctor would like to speak with you about the patient. Please follow me.” They walked to a conference room down the hall where the doctor was waiting for Serena, files in front of him, and a serious look on his face. “Please Mrs. Waterford. Take a seat.” Serena sat and the doctor started reviewing June’s case. “You’ve spent the most time with her, Mrs. Waterford. How was her health before she came here?” 

“She’s always been very strong and healthy. She never complained of illness, or aches and pains, and her appetite is good. I mean, we don’t ask a lot physically from the Handmaids. They really have only one job.”

“Yes, yes, I understand. Of course,” The doctor said. “The heart condition Offred has is relatively benign, but pregnancy can exacerbate it. She’s still very exhausted, dizzy and weak, but that’s to be expected. Her blood is not pumping enough oxygen to the rest of her body because of her irregular heartbeat, but medication will regulate that. This is her second pregnancy, correct?”

“Yes, she bore one child before—a girl. Healthy, praise be.”

“I suspect that she had similar issues early on in her first pregnancy, with her heart rate. It’s common with pregnancy, but her condition exacerbates it. I think by tomorrow, she’ll feel well enough to return home with you, but I have to caution you—she’ll need almost complete rest until we know for certain that the embryo is intact. The other alternative is to let nature take its course and she will more than likely miscarry. Then you can try again after two months.”

“What are you saying doctor? That she is more than likely going to lose my child?” Serena’s anxiety was spiking, and she was having trouble focusing on what the doctor was saying.

“No Mrs. Waterford, that’s not the case. If you take very good care of her, keep her calm at all times, remove all the stress from her environment, within the next few weeks, she’ll be on her feet and ready to resume her normal duties. Minus the Ceremony of course. But she’s already pregnant so that would be suspended in any event until the child is born. But, if you don’t wish to coddle the Handmaid and believe that nature will do what nature will do, then that’s your prerogative. Every situation is different, as is every decision maker.” The doctor stopped talking, giving Serena time to process what he’d just told her.

“So if I take her home and make sure she’s well cared for, the baby will be fine?” Serena asked hopefully.

“I cannot promise what is God’s will alone to grant, but from a medical perspective, yes. That punishment Aunt Lydia cooked up for the Handmaid’s landed three of them in this hospital. Offred’s is without a doubt, the worst case from a pregnancy perspective, but the others are virtually catatonic with fear. That is not a good vessel to carry a child.”

“Well, I’m certain I can make sure she gets the very best care, with the least amount of stress. Can you let me know if there’s a special diet she should be eating, and how much she should be allowed to walk around the house? Are stairs ok, or should she be on one floor?”

“These are all excellent questions,” the doctor replied. “She should eat whatever she has an appetite for. You may want to indulge her in some of her favorite foods. It’s one of the easiest ways to calm her and make her happy. She can climb stairs but only once per day. She can be on her feet for a total of 60 minutes a day. Whatever comfort you can give her, to keep her calm, you really must try. Gilead outlawed anti-anxiety medication sometime ago, but there are some natural alternatives if you are good with herbal remedies.”

“Thank you doctor. When do you think she can be released?”

“If she continues to improve, tomorrow afternoon is the target. If she has a set back, she’ll obviously have to stay longer.”

“Thank you doctor.” Serena walked out of the conference room and went directly to the exit, so she could smoke. She really hated smoking ‘on the street’ like a common person, but necessity dictated it. If she was going to stay strong for June, she needed all the help she could get. _And a little distance wouldn't hurt._


	6. Almost kissed

June was walking around the room with the help of a nurse, as she was still hooked up to an IV and heart monitor. At the moment, she wasn’t feeling any pain, and she was breathing evenly. The nurse had allowed her to continue wearing Serena’s sweater, after she blatantly refused to part with it, saying she was cold and it was keeping her warm. That much was true, and as much as she hated to admit it, the scent that lingered on the sweater was doing more to calm her nerves than anything the doctors or medical staff could do. Serena seemed to have that effect on her—now. Before, Serena was usually, more often than not, the cause of whatever stress she was experiencing. But now, the mere presence of the matriarch of the Waterford household was enough to put her mind at ease.

June rolled her eyes when the nurse had her lie back down, then get up, then lie down again, checking to see if she could move without dizziness. She knew she was alright, and if she did indeed grow dizzy or faint, there was no need to rush back to the hospital. It had happened with Hannah, and it was happening with this baby, and there was probably not much that could be done to prevent it from continuing. The nurse offered to get her something cool to drink, which she was grateful for. June was glad she was going to get to rest for a little while. When the nurse left, June laid back again with her nose buried in the sleeve of Serena’s sweater, imagining Serena's arms were wrapped around her. She knew it was insane, but all the evidence was pointing to the fact that she might be falling for the beautiful, volatile, and very intimidating woman--at least a little bit.

By the time Serena returned from meeting with the doctor, and smoking—a lot—she found June curled up in bed, still wrapped in her sweater.  _ She looks so sweet and innocent there, but I know better. As soon as she’s not terrified and anxious anymore, she’ll be going toe to toe with me again, arguing about anything and everything, just to see if she can get a rise out of me. And I’d be lying if I said that didn’t make me sad. I….I hate it. I hate the whole Handmaid thing. It didn’t have to be this way! It was never my intention. I certainly never planned on rounding up good people—innocent, good, honest people—like June—and enslaving them and turning them into concubines and baby incubators. _ Serena had to stop herself, because she was starting to get really angry. She usually tried to keep her mind calm and not think about things that upset her, but she was rarely successful. It’s why she almost never smiled anymore, and sleep was hard to come by.

When she could keep her mind on “the greater good,” she would have small pockets of peace. But the reality was that the Gilead she envisioned as Utopia turned out to be a horrible version of the worst police state in the world. Serena sat down in the chair in June’s room and tried to get comfortable, but truthfully, it was no use. She’d tried for half the night to fall asleep in it yesterday before she gave in and crawled into bed with June. She was actually pretty tired now, and it wasn’t like she had anything better to do. Knitting didn’t count. She’d already put the fear of God into the night staff—they wouldn’t be coming into the room unless the hospital was on fire. Serena slipped off her shoes and got into bed beside June, fully dressed. It worked last night—it’ll work now. She pulled the cord above the bed to turn off the overhead light, laid on her back, with her legs crossed at the ankles, and tried to relax and steady her breathing. She could feel the warmth from June’s body pulling her towards her like a magnet.  _ Fuck it. If there was an octopus in this bed, I’d probably cuddle up to it too, I’m so fucking touch starved. _ She slid down and rolled towards June, pressing her body up against hers. It felt so soft—so warm—so safe. She snaked her arm around June’s waist and gently pulled her closer. June was dead asleep as far as she could tell—unless she was faking.

June turned, muttering incoherently, so that her nose pressed into Serena’s collarbone. “Serena" she mumbled, waking briefly before going right back to sleep again. She didn't have any desire to spoil such a happy dream. Serena was holding her. She felt safe, warm, comfortable. What was going on? June felt Serena pull her closer, and she allowed herself to relax again, still in the barely awake, barely asleep state. She woke when morning came, not quite certain what had transpired that night. She listened to the steady heartbeat under her ear, and it soothed her, calming the anxiety she felt about waking up in the hospital. "Morning, Serena," she whispered.

Serena didn't respond except to pull June in a little closer.  _ If I wake up, then I have to let go of her and I don't know when I'm going to get to do this again. I haven't slept so well since before Gilead. For once, I didn't sleep with one eye open, wondering when the next horrible thing was going to happen. _ Serena started to wake up a bit more and realized that if she didn't get out of bed within the next 2 minutes, they probably would get caught. "I have to get up, ok June? Serena said, depositing a kiss on June's shoulder, removing her arm and dislodging herself from June--and the bed. She walked into the bathroom and checked herself in the mirror _. I don't look like I just held my Handmaid all night, close to my body, in the same, small hospital bed. Maybe I got away with it?  _ She splashed cold water on her face and went back out to the room to see if June needed any help.

June was blushing before Serena kissed her shoulder, and knew that afterwards she was likely as red as her handmaid’s dress. She allowed herself a few minutes before trying to stand, slowly leaning on the door frame of the bathroom for a minute before walking inside, shutting the door behind her but not locking it. When she returned, she climbed back into bed and noticed that breakfast had arrived. “Do I get to leave today?" June asked. She’d always hated hospitals, but this stay had been interesting—especially since she’d spent the entire time in close proximity to Serena.  _ God, last night was nice. Serena holding me in her arms...I didn’t want it to end. _

“Unless for some reason, you stop improving, yes, we can leave this afternoon. I'll have Nick pick us up. You're not going to like it, but for the next several weeks, you have to be very careful about staying calm, not going up and down the stairs more than once a day, and staying off your feet except for a cumulative hour a day. It's going to be hard, but if the baby is going to have a chance at life, I need you to do this. I'll be with you 24/7. I'm not letting you out of my sight. There is nothing more important to me than keeping you and this baby safe. So I'm going to need you to cooperate, ok? Oh, and the doctor said you could eat anything you had a craving for, so I expect you to keep Rita on her toes with your special requests. You know how much she loves to wait on you," Serena said, smirking. "Eat your breakfast before it gets cold."

June nodded and picked at the food on her tray. "Yeah. I'll be sure to do that. How about we have lemon rice soup and baked chicken tonight?" June smiled to herself and wondered if Serena realized that the meal she’d requested was one that she’d heard Serena often mention to Rita as something she missed.

“Lemon rice soup—really? I doubt Rita knows the recipe, but I think if I had to, I could recall it. I certainly made it often enough when I was single. Maybe we give her a little time to scrounge up the ingredients for that. Lemons aren’t always available, and she’ll have to do the cooking and the shopping now that you have to stay off your feet. But let’s see if we can get that on the menu sometime in the next week,” Serena said, smiling indulgently.

"Where....where will I sleep, exactly?" she asked, the thought having just occurred to her. She doubted she’d be able to climb all the way to the top floor. Not in her condition. Not right now. And if Serena really meant 24/7, that meant they would be sharing a bed—again. That was an interesting thought.

“Well, I suppose you can’t sleep on the third floor—that’s too many stairs. I could set you up in my sitting room, but there’s really not much privacy in there. And that couch is murder on the back—I wouldn’t subject my worst enemy to it. I’m afraid I don’t think there’s really any choice but to have you stay in my room for the foreseeable future—at least a month, the doctor said.” 

Serena panicked for a minute.  _ Is she going to be ok with that? That’s where the Ceremony happened every month.  _ Serena herself could barely stand the room, but particularly the few nights leading up to and then following the Ceremony. “Unless of course you don’t think you’d be comfortable in that room. I can completely understand if that’s the case because of…well, anyway, there are other rooms we can choose. Why don’t you let me know which you prefer—mine, or another room of your choosing. You’re going to be spending an awful lot of time in there, so I want you to be comfortable.”

June looked at Serena and said, " I'm sure your room will be just fine, Serena." The prospect of sleeping in the bed where the Ceremony took place each month wasn’t in the least bit pleasant, but the idea of possibly being wrapped in Serena’s arms each night made the prospect easier to bear. "Serena... " she said gently, reaching out for her hand. "Would you mind...um..."

"What is it, June?"

June blushed. "Would you mind, um...helping me get dressed to leave?" she asked, trying not to seem too helpless. "If it's ok, with you, that is.”

“You are anxious to get out of here, aren’t you?” Serena smiled. “Sure, why not. But if the doctor says you have to stay another night, I’m going to take that dress right off you.”

Serena watched June turn scarlet, and she turned away, ostensibly to get June’s dress out of the closet, but really, she was trying not to laugh out loud.  _ If I didn’t know her better, I’d say June has a crush on me. It’s adorable and ludicrous all at the same time. _

June’s eyes grew wide, and she began sputtering incoherently, then fell silent.  _ Dear God. Serena had to know the double meaning of her statement. She had to. _ June felt a rush of warmth where she hadn't felt it for the longest time, and tried to stuff it down. She didn't want to make things awkward, especially since Serena was going to help her change.

Serena collected herself--she didn't want to tease June.  _ I'm sure she's just super vulnerable, and I did "rescue" her sort of. This is just a little hero worship.  _ She wiped the smile off her face, and tried to adopt a more neutral facial expression. She found June's dress, underwear and bra, and a pair of socks. "Are you sure you want to put your dress on now? What if you want to take another nap?"

June shook her head. "I doubt I will. I'm not exactly tired. I think I'm more...well....not tired," She blushed again, shivering as she stood slowly, rolling her eyes when Serena gently pushed her back on to the bed. "I think I'm ok. I think I can....w…walk a bit." she stammered. You could cut the tension between them with a knife.

"June, you're getting anxious, and if you can't calm down, they won't let you leave--it's as simple as that. They can't give you anxiety drugs--we don't allow them in Gilead. So we have to figure out a way to calm you down." Serena sat beside June, who was practically shaking. She took her hand in hers and gently stroked the back of it, repeating the motion over and over, hoping that it would soothe June. She was still trembling. Serena wracked her brain for what might help, and she finally pulled June up to a sitting position and wrapped her arms around her, rubbing her back in small circles. She had no idea if this was going to help or make it worse, but something was definitely wrong with June, and she needed to figure out how to help her.

June relaxed in Serena's embrace, as she felt her hands, once harsh instruments of punishment, but now gentle, rubbing her back. "How do you do this? How do you take all my anxiety and ball it up and throw it away? It's like....you’re really good at this."

Serena stroked June's face, and brushed her hair away from her eyes. "I'm actually not good at this--at all. I am the least compassionate person you'll ever meet." Serena stopped her hand for a moment, then took June's chin in her hand and looked into her deep blue eyes. "I think maybe you've done something to me. You've made me feel my humanity again. I'm not the Gilead poster child right now. Today, in this moment, I'm just Serena, trying to make my Han...I mean my friend, June, feel better." Serena saw something in June's eyes, underneath the anger, and the pain, and the sorrow. She saw a glimmer of something she could only call hope. Before she could stop herself and over think it, she slowly moved forward--almost imperceptibly--and hovered just a few inches from June's lips. They looked so sweet--so soft. She waited, looking for a sign from June that this was what she wanted. Gilead had already taken so much from June--she didn't want to be responsible for forcing something on her that she didn't want.

"Not here," June whispered. "We both know what could happen if we’re caught. I want this too. But I don’t want anything to happen to you, or us. When we get home, we can try--that is, if you still want to. But you're wrong about one thing. You are perfectly capable of compassion, to the lucky person who’s earned it in your eyes. And the truth is, I think Gilead has taken much more from you than it’s ever given you." She leaned forward, burying her face in Serena’s neck and placing a soft kiss on her collarbone. She pulled away when she heard the door open, trying to look as if an almost kiss hadn’t just been interrupted.


	7. Home sweet home

The nurse walked into the room, and Serena picked up on June’s cue: "Thank you Offred. That would be very much appreciated." 

"Good morning, Offred," the nurse said. "I need to check your vitals and make sure that you're well enough to be discharged today. So far, your stats are good and it looks like the beta blockers are doing their job. I can tell because your color is much better today, and your fingertips are no longer blue." The nurse took her temperature, listened to her heart, and gave her another dose of medication. Addressing Serena, she said "I'll need the doctor to formally discharge her, but I think that she can get dressed. Do you need a ride, or will you be calling your driver?"

"I'll call my driver. Thank you very much." As the nurse left the room, Serena let out a breath she didn't even realize she was holding. "That was stupid of me, June. I apologize. Please forgive me. I think the stress of all of this is affecting me. I’m…I’m not myself."

June shook her head, placing a hand on Serena's knee once they had the room to themselves again. "Hey. Don't. It wasn't stupid. We just need to be more careful.”

“All of this is...well, I don't even know what 'this' is,” Serena said. “We let ourselves believe we had freedom in this small room, and now we have to leave and go back to that mausoleum of a house we live in. I'm feeling terrible about everything, June--just everything. How you came to be here, what we did to you every month--it's just wrong. It's like you're holding a mirror up to my face and I can't stand what I see!" 

Serena's face crumpled and she began to weep, turning away from June and covering her face with her hands. "I'm just so sorry for everything. It's all just terrible, and we have to go back and try to save this baby and I don't even know if I want him or her to grow up in this horrible place!" Serena stopped talking and sobbed quietly, well aware that at any moment, the doctor could come in to discharge June. "You should get dressed. We have to go," Serena said, getting up and walking away to collect herself. She needed to keep her shit together. 

June turned her attention to the pile of clothes on the bed, and stood slowly, taking Serena’s sweater off and setting it aside. She felt lightheaded for a moment, but chose to ignore it, pulling on the fresh underwear and dress before she sat back on the bed. “When we get home, we need to talk. I'll meet you in your greenhouse."

"Whatever June. I'm just going to go wash my face so I don't look like I've been sobbing for the better part of today. And then I'm calling Nick, and we're going home. And I'm going to put you to bed. You’re just getting out of the hospital, and my child is still at risk. You're not going to the greenhouse. Whatever you have to talk to me about will wait until tonight when we're by ourselves--ok? That's about as compromising as I feel like being." 

Serena released June's hand and went into the bathroom and closed the door. She leaned up against it, put her hand over her mouth and slid down until she was sitting on the floor. This was why she hated crying, because once she started, she couldn't fucking stop. This was all coming crashing down on her. She couldn't deny it any longer. She cared for June. Like really, really cared for her. In a way that she was not allowed to care for her. In an illegal way. And that made her very sad, so she only cried harder. She indulged herself for another couple of minutes, then pulled it together, got a cloth, washed her face and blotted her eyes with cold water.  _ Well, I might as well put my mask back on, because it's going to get a work out in the coming weeks, I'm sure.  _ She plastered a neutral look on her face, opened the door, and saw June, standing by the window, looking outside.

"I'm going to go call Nick. I'll be right back."

June heard the ice in Serena's voice, and she stiffened. It was time to go back to the way things were, and she wasn’t happy about it. June nodded her head, lowering it respectfully, her self-preservation instincts returning. "Yes. Mrs. Waterford. I will be ready to leave when you return." June knew that this was all madness. She couldn’t afford to let herself care about someone with a hair-trigger temper like Serena—but that she probably would anyway. June wasn’t terribly sensible when it came to matters of the heart, and sometimes, she was just plain opportunistic—if she was being honest with herself. 

Slowly, June grabbed the bag that Rita had brought, and set in on the bed. She noticed her sweatshirt was there all along—Serena had let her wear her sweater anyway, probably understanding that it might comfort her.  _ God damn it, there she goes being kind again when I want to be pissed at her.  _ June packed everything into the bag, trying not to focus on Serena’s sweater that she coveted. When Serena returned, June followed her out into the hall, accepting the wheelchair without comment or complaint, keeping her head down as she was wheeled out to the car. Nick helped her into the back seat and Serena climbed in beside her. June bit back any nasty comments. She felt sick to her stomach. It was back to the old Serena and Offred show, judging by the return of the coldness in Serena's demeanor.

The ride was quiet. Nick and June were technically the 'help' and Serena wasn't obliged to update Nick on what was going on with June. She certainly wasn't going to talk about the past 2 days with him or anyone else, and certainly not in front of June. She really, really wished she could just go away for a while, and not see anyone and just be by herself. Always being on guard in Gilead was exhausting, and now, she really had a secret she really needed to keep.  _ Great planning, _ she said to herself.  _ She's going to be sleeping in your bed for a month. How are you going to keep yourself from doing something that might get you both killed--along with the baby--if anyone finds out?  _ Serena stopped the catastrophic thinking, because it wasn't helping. She chanced a glance and June, who was turned away from her, looking out the window. What must it feel like for her--to have absolutely no freedom and no privacy? Serena herself had little enough, but she was able to carve out some solitary, undisturbed time. And her legendary temper meant that no one came into her presence without having been invited, ordered, or requested, and certainly not without announcing themselves. Fred had his office. Serena had her bedroom, her sitting room and the greenhouse. And any room she decided to kick everyone out of.  _ Maybe all is not lost,  _ she thought. 

June noticed Serena looking at her. She adjusted in her seat, changing her posture so she was staring at her hands in her lap, hoping against hope that she hadn't done anything to bring on the other woman's ire. Her heart was beating so fast in her chest, like a deer being watched by a mountain lion, but she had no way to defend herself should the need even arise. Tears came to her eyes and she felt them dripping onto her clasped hands, but she made no move to wipe them away.  _ Keep your fucking shit together, June! _

Serena was hyper-aware of every move that June made, and her tears were not lost on her. Grateful that Nick had put the privacy divider up when they'd gotten into the car, she reached over and took June's hands in hers, scooting herself closer to the handmaid. 'June, what's wrong? Are you scared of something? Are you sick? What are you afraid to tell me?"

June was startled at the unexpected contact, then blinked as if coming out of a trance. She took a deep breath, and looked up at Serena. "I...just...it’s nothing. It doesn't matter." She didn’t want Serena to know she was the cause of her tears. Instead she wordlessly moved to lay her head on Serena's shoulder. "I'm sorry I upset you. Back at the hospital." She whispered.

"What? You didn't upset me, June.  _ I  _ upset me. I'm not angry at you--not right now in any event, but you know me.” She felt June stiffen, and said “Ok, that was a joke meant to lighten the mood, but I see my timing is off." Serena stroked June's cheek, and leaned her head against June's forehead. "I don't want you to be scared or sad, or anything, ok? For the next month, it's you and me. 100% relaxation and rest for you, and my job will be to enforce that and to entertain you to the best of my ability. So please--no more tears on your beautiful face." Serena leaned down and pressed the softest, lightest kiss on June's cheek, lingering as long as she dared. She was grateful she ordered the divider glass to be tinted--Nick was fairly trustworthy, but he was also in love with June, and he could be a complication. It was best to leave him out of the loop. "Now, dry your eyes, ok? We'll be home soon, and I'll get you settled. You absolutely need a nap."

The fear left June instantly as she felt Serena stroke her face. She exhaled, blushing at the feathery feel of Serena's lips. She reached up to cup Serena’s face in her hand. "I seriously want to kiss you right now." she whispered, “but that would be ill-advised with Nick right here.” June knew his feelings for her, and she didn't share them, but she had to play along. “And what I want is not a nap, but a bath and some tea—and to talk to you.”

Serena whispered in her ear, "We will have all the time in the world to talk, but when we are in public, I have to be a massive cunt to you, and you have to be your surly, yet occasionally obedient handmaid-self, ok? It doesn't mean I'm mad at you, or anything. But we have to play a game, and it's a dangerous one." 

Serena lifted her head, realizing they were very close to home. "Of course you can have a bath, and tea. Both of those things are good to keep you calm," Serena said in a louder voice. The car had stopped and Nick was getting out to open the door for them. He naturally went to Mrs. Waterford's side first and opened her door first. Serena gave June a quick smile and exited the vehicle, and waited while Nick went to the other side of the car to open it for June.

"June, are you all right?" he whispered.

"Yeah, I’m ok,” she said, not taking the hand he offered. "I'm fine. Really. Don't worry." June followed after Serena, slowly walking into the house and making it as far as the sitting room when she sat down in a chair, exhausted.  _ How does just that small walk make me so tired? _ She sat for a minute, before rising to rise to her feet. "Mrs. Waterford?" She asked, knowing she was still in earshot of both Nick and Rita. June’s head started to droop, and she closed her eyes, trying to stop the room from spinning. "It’s nothing. I’ll be fine in a minute. Is your room still alright--for me to stay in?"

"Yes, of course it is. Why don't you just stay here until you feel better, and when you're ready to try to stand again, let one of us know, ok?" She turned to Nick and Rita, who were hovering, clearly worried. "You two--come with me." Serena walked into the kitchen with them and spoke to them in an urgent whisper. 

"Ok, this house is officially on lockdown. No one knows anything about Offred, or me, or anyone else in this house. We need to keep her calm and quiet, and she can't be on her feet for more than an hour a day. I'm moving her into my room so I can watch over her. I'm not taking any chances with my child. Now, I need your discretion and your full support. Rita, you'll need to take on the shopping. Offred won't be able to resume her normal activities for at least a month. Nick, I need you to keep your ears open. I do not want the Aunts to decide she's better off in their care. She's too fragile. I trust Lydia has been taken care of?"

Nick smirked and said, "yes, she won't be staging anymore mass hangings anytime soon. In fact, she won't even be able to see straight for quite some time. Her head apparently took quite a beating from my foot that apparently kept kicking her."

"I don’t need to know any details, but I do need both of you to help me keep everyone away from her. If we can just keep her calm, the baby will be fine, and we can all go back to normal."

"Yes Mrs. Waterford," Nick and Rita replied, and they scurried off to get off of Serena's radar. If they thought she was being odd, they kept it to themselves.

June waited for the dizziness to pass. She sat there, admiring the knitted blanket that sat on the back of the chair, pulling it off and wrapping it around her shoulders. She buried her face in the soft fabric, the lingering scents of coffee and tobacco--Serena’s favorite vices--calming her. She didn't know how she’d suddenly become smitten with Serena. Perhaps it wasn't sudden. Maybe it had been the case all along. The vertigo seemed to have stopped, so she raised her head and called out for Mrs. Waterford. Hearing no response, June called out for Rita who promptly appeared.

"You all right?" Rita asked, looking skeptical. For all she knew, June was running some sort of scam, but she decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. 

"Yeah, I think I'm feeling a little better. Um, I think I need to lie down. Do you think you might help me upstairs?" 

"I don't think you should be walking anywhere," Rita said frankly. "I'm getting Nick--he can carry you upstairs." Rita left to go fetch him. While she was gone, Serena returned. 

"Ready to go lie down? Can you manage, or do you need me to help you.?"

June smiled with relief. "Yes, please. Rita wants Nick to carry me upstairs and went to get him, but I’d rather not. If you could just maybe walk next to me, or behind me--in case I fall." She accepted Serena’s arm and pulled herself to her feet. "Woah...." she stammered, then stood up straight. "I'm fine." She started walking up the stairs, stopping after getting halfway. "Okay... Maybe I need some help."

Serena wrapped June's arm around her neck and wrapped her other arm to support June's back. "Ok, we're going to take this really slow, ok. One step at a time." They made slow but steady progress, although Serena was second guessing her decision to put her on the second floor. She was also wondering if June was sicker than she let on, but they were committed at this point. 

"Mrs. Waterford, can I help?" Nick called from below the stairs. She looked at June and saw her shake her head. 

"I've got it--thanks Nick. next time get here faster. " He left, his tail between his legs while Serena helped June up the last few steps. "Ok, it's a straight shot now. We're going right for the bed ok?"

June nodded, her knees shaking, nearly buckling underneath her as she leaned heavily on Serena. She looked at the bed, cold fear filling her, memories of lying here, her legs spread and her head between Serena’s legs while Fred unzipped, spit on his hand and shoved his penis inside her, roughly and with as much detachment as he could manage. "Serena....I.....need.....water." She collapsed onto the bed, barely making it in time before she began to feel faint. 

The canopy above her seemed to spin, and she was ghostly pale. The only thing keeping her in reality was Serena's gentle voice in her ear. "Serena.....cold cloth....please? And....and some water.....but don’t leave me." She knew her instructions contradicted one another but she didn't care.

Serena went into her bathroom to get June a glass of water and a cool cloth for her forehead.  _ I know June said that this happened before, but Jesus--this is really bad. I’m going to have to pray for her even though I’m pretty sure I’m gonna fry in hell for the way I feel about her.  _ She rushed back over to June and lifted her head a little bit so she could drink some water. When she laid her back down, she put the cloth over her forehead. She went over to the door and opened it and yelled downstairs to Rita to bring a bag of ice. And some tea. If she had to stay awake for the next three weeks watching her that’s what she would do. Knowing Rita would be arriving in about two minutes she kept a bit of distance from June but still held her hand so she knew she was right there. She was pretty sure June had passed out. She wondered what the fuck she was going to do.


	8. The Talk

**Chapter Eight**

June opened her eyes, looking up at the canopy above her, wincing in pain as she tried to move. _Fuck._ _How long have I been out?_ She groaned as she tried to move—tried to sit up--shivering before realizing her head and shoulders had, at some point, been covered with as much ice as was safe. She felt pressure on her hand, and swiped at it aggressively, then realized belatedly that it was Serena’s hand. "Serena, what happened?” June froze as Serena delivered a silencing kiss to her lips.

“Do I have your attention now?” Serena said, calmly sitting back in her chair. “Remind me not to hold your hand while you’re unconscious. You went at me like a wet cat. I had to do something to break you from your delusion.” She rubbed her hand, trying to soothe the pain from June’s slap. June just looked at her, confused.  _ What the fuck have I gotten myself into,  _ Serena thought _. We should have stayed in the hospital. I’m out of my mind if I think I can keep her safe and the baby safe here. _

"I'm sorry I hit you. I just....I woke up disoriented...I’m sorry."  _ Of course Serena only kissed me to get my attention. Why would she actually want to kiss me? _ June tried not to feel insulted, or let herself care too much about what just happened between them. June was a means to an end for Serena. Once the baby came, Serena would be finished with her, and they’d reassign June to another household--they’d never see each other again.  _ I’m being an idiot. _ " I'm sorry if I hurt you. I'll make sure it doesn't happen again."

“Hey, listen to me for a minute, June. You’re not well. I don’t care what you told me about this happening when you were pregnant with your daughter—there is no way that you were able to conduct a normal life while passing out right and left and being too weak to walk more than a couple of steps.” Serena took a breath, and tried to calm down. The last thing she wanted to do was make June’s anxiety worse. “So no matter what you tell me, you’re not well, ok? I just need you to stop thinking that you’re ok, because you aren’t. But I don’t want you to worry because I’m going to take care of you. But you have to stop fighting it—and me,” Serena said, a little more gently, using her thumb to wipe away a tear that was rolling down June’s cheek.

“And I have a feeling, because I know you a little bit, that part of this anxiety is this conversation you want to have with me. So go ahead. I’m listening. Tell me whatever it is you need to say to me and I promise I won’t be angry…ok, well, that’s kind of a big promise. Let me correct myself. I will try very hard not to get angry, and if I do, I will walk away from you for a short period of time until I can collect myself and listen to you calmly. That is as honest and as fair as I can be.” Serena really didn’t want to have this conversation—not because she was scared of what June would say. She already knew. And there wasn’t much either of them could do about it. But she’d listen, and she’d try not to show how much this impossible situation was hurting her, too.

June took a deep breath. She looked at Serena, tried to calm her racing heart, beating faster due to the look in Serena's eyes. "I just...I wanted it to be real. The...the kiss." She hesitated, stammering her words as she turned towards Serena. "I think I’m falling in love with you." June blushed at her admission, gently placing her hand on Serena's, wanting a physical connection to help her feel less like she was standing on a cliff. 

Serena’s eyes searched deep into June’s as she heard the words that had been playing in her own mind. _She has guts, this one—I’ll say that for her._ When June sputtered out her feelings—sort of—Serena’s heart lurched in her chest. She had seen many faces of June Osborne, but this raw, and this vulnerable? Not fucking lately. Not until this pregnancy brought it all on. Serena knew she had to be careful with June’s feelings, for many of reasons. Mainly because it was the right thing to do, but also, because they had to be on the same page, or someone was going to be killed.

"I know I’m not anything to you--just your Handmaid and the means of giving you a child, but I really...I really wouldn’t mind...maybe...we could...? Nevermind. I can see that you would never want anything to do with me...not in that way." June looked away and stared at the wall, trying to hold back a storm of emotions.

“I wish you were just a Handmaid, and a means of getting a baby. It really was simpler, wasn’t it? Also, much less deadly. For me anyway. As long as you can keep pumping out babies, your future is bright here in Gilead. You’ll get a new family, maybe one less fucked up than this one—your chances are good there, I think. But me? Having feelings for a Handmaid? My future’s not very bright, I’m afraid. I won’t insult you by lying to you. I’m attracted to you. You’re a beautiful woman. And it’s been a very long time since anyone has looked at me the way you look at me. And you’ve been so freaking vulnerable these past couple of days. All I want to do is protect you and wrap my arms around you until your fear is gone. And understand this. I don’t do anything that’s not deliberate and purposeful. The kiss was real. It was born of desperation—me trying to fix you, heal you somehow. To stop your pain and suffering. I guess my bag of tricks was empty so I tried that—but I meant it, June.”

June looked up at her, pushing herself into a sitting position. She took a deep breath, glancing to see that the door was indeed closed before she buried her face in Serena's chest, arms wrapped around her. "Serena" She whispered, too soft for anyone but them to hear. "Would you ever consider leaving this place?" She asked quietly. "I would....we could....I mean..." She lifted her head and placed a chaste kiss to the side of Serena's jaw. "After I can walk on my own, of course, but before the baby is born?"

“I…I don’t know. I haven’t thought about it much. Ok, that’s a lie. I have. But—together? June, you hate me. You really do. Right now, there are hormones running around in your brain, and you’re not getting enough oxygen where you need it—and maybe too much where you don’t. Trust me June, you don’t even like me. This whole “I think I’m in love with you?” Be honest—it didn’t happen until the day of the hanging when I came and took you away and got you help--am I right? I’m not trying to say that your feelings aren’t valid, and that there isn’t an attraction there. But ‘in love’, and running away together like a couple of love-struck teenagers? It’s kind of a deadly proposition, don’t you think? And again, not to minimize your feelings, but I don’t think you’re capable of making any decisions like this—of this magnitude—in your current condition. We haven’t even…well we don’t…have you ever even been with a woman before? It’s kind of different—from what I understand,” Serena said, covering her slip quickly. _She doesn’t need to know everything in my past, and certainly not that._

Each time Serena shut her down hurt June in a new and more painful way. She looked at Serena, her voice hoarse due to the tears filling her eyes. "I don’t need to have been with a woman before to know that I want you. But if you must know, I did make out with Moira at a party once, but I stopped it because we were friends and I didn’t want to ruin it." June fell silent again, for a few minutes, trying to remove the lump from her throat. "And my feelings for you did not start when you rescued me. That’s just when I thought you might care about me too. And I don’t hate you. I'm scared of you when you're angry, but I don’t hate you. I trust you. At least I trust you enough to hope I won’t be hung on the wall for what I've just admitted to. But I can see that you aren’t taking me seriously," she pulled herself out of Serena's embrace, and sat back.

"For fuck's sake June, would you please stop it! YOU ARE NOT WELL!!!! You've been passing out every hour or two over the past couple of days, and you're dizzy all the time. How is that the time to make a decision like this? Look, if you've had feelings for me that you've not shown before, you need to understand that I wasn't aware of them. If you haven’t gotten the memo, I’m pretty self-absorbed, so I'm coming to this party late, and it's all really new for me. So forgive me if I'm not keeping up with your shotgun wedding fantasies. And who's Moira? Do I need to worry about her?"

June stiffened at the sharpness in Serena's tone. She felt like she was in a fog, and was trying to claw her way out of it. "Yeah...No. I...I’m sorry. Wait. Worry about her? No." June shook her head. "Moira is...was my best friend, before all of this. But she...she's not...no. you don’t need to worry about her." June looked at Serena, "I’m feeling better. though. right now."

"June, do you hear yourself? You're not even making any sense. You're apologizing every 3 minutes, and you have done nothing wrong, and I'm not angry with you--I'm just gob-smacked. I feel like you're talking to me in riddles. You're an intelligent woman, and you're always very well spoken. You aren't understanding what I'm saying, and I'm not understanding what you're saying, so we need to get clearer--like right now. I need you to tell me exactly what you are thinking, what you are feeling, and how you arrived at this place, when I swear on all that is holy, three days ago you wanted to stab me in the neck with my garden shears. And let's put Moira to the side for now. We have enough to deal with right here without a trip down memory lane."

June took a deep breath and said, "I’ve been attracted to you for awhile, and why not? You’re a beautiful woman, you're strong, intelligent, graceful, and you have such an air of confidence within you. I couldn’t define what I felt for you. I really only realized what my feelings were, in words, the day of the hanging. I was thinking about all the people I Iove that I would never get to say goodbye to, and as their faces were appearing in my mind’s eye, your face was there. I realized that I’d never see you again. And your eyes just sort of popped into my head and I focused on them—to keep myself calm--and well, I came to understand that I just might be in love with you. You've been my rock these last few days, and I really don’t want this to end. And I decided I don’t want to hide how I feel from you anymore.”

Serena watched as June poured her heart and her truth out to her, knowing full well what she risked by being honest with her. As each word fell from her lips, another brick fell from Serena’s previously impenetrable walls around her heart. As the last word left June’s lips, Serena picked up June’s hand and placed a tender kiss on the back of it, and laid her back down on the bed, tucking her under the covers. She laid beside her, on top of the covers, stroking her hair, and just…looking at her. Who was this person here, professing to love her? Was June someone that Serena could love? Was it just Gilead, or lust overload from lack of an outlet? Or was June just really sick and babbling and would she forget or deny everything she said tomorrow?

Serena started to hum quietly, as she continued to gently stroke June’s hair and cheeks, and within a few moments, and after a valiant effort at staying awake, June finally drifted off to sleep. Serena turned over and curled in to herself and quietly wept. June didn’t mean it at all. She couldn’t possibly have June’s love—not after everything she’d done to her. Serena ended up crying herself to sleep, and they both slept until late in the evening. Rita knew better than to disturb them. 


	9. Admissions and Revelations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We'd love to hear your comments, so don't be shy! Comments make us write faster!

Serena got up, splashed cold water on her face, and slipped out of the room to get June something to eat. When she got downstairs, she found Rita putting the finishing touch on a tray for both of them.

“I’m sorry this is so late, Mrs. Waterford. I didn’t want to disturb either of you,” Rita explained. “I scrounged up some of both of your favorites. It’s been a long couple of days for you.”

“Thank you Rita. This is perfect. Is there tea?”

“Yes ma’am. I made a fresh pot for you.”

“That’s wonderful. Thank you for taking such good care of all of us,” Serena said.

“I can take the tray upstairs for you ma’am.”

“Why don’t you follow me with the tea tray, and I’ll take the food up. It’ll save you a trip.”

“Why, thank you Mrs. Waterford. That’s very considerate.” Rita seemed very surprised.

_ Damn it, I have to watch that! I can’t be nice to the staff. They’ll think there’s something wrong with me and they’ll suspect something. _ They both entered the room to find June sitting up in bed, looking pensive, pale, and in general, miserable.

“Look what Rita made for us, Offred. There are a couple of your favorites here—even the raisin cookies that you like that no one else does. Isn’t that kind of her?” Serena said, setting the tray down on the table beside the bed.

June nodded, reaching over and taking a raisin cookie off the tray, nibbling at it and smiling at Rita. "Thank you. This is very good." She dipped the cookie in her tea, closing her eyes, waiting until she heard the door close behind Rita before she opened them, turning her face towards Serena. "You look like hell. You've been crying." She pulled her tray onto her lap, spooning the soup into her mouth. "I can tell, Serena. Your eyes are really red. Talk to me. I was honest with you. I bared my soul. So....spill. What’s got you crying?" She held out a cookie to Serena. "Raisin cookie?" she asked teasingly.

"I hate fucking raisins, but thank you. And in the space of a few hours, you've gone from waxing poetically about how beautiful I am to telling me I look like hell. Now, I know you're feeling better. Thank God. I don't know what to do when you’re not insulting me. And who dunks their cookie in tea? That's just gross." Serena smoothed her hair back and walked back into the bathroom to check herself out in the mirror. "You may have a point, and I may look like hell. And yes, I cried myself to sleep. Are you happy? I'm having all sorts of feelings and I have no idea what to do with them. But what I do know, is that I'm very glad you're eating, you're sitting up, you're not apologizing and crying and cowering--all of that bodes very well for the next few weeks that we're going to be together in this room.

June laughed. "It's pregnancy cravings, Serena. We eat weird shit. And why on earth would I be happy that you cried yourself to sleep? I wish you'd woken me. Why don’t you come over here, eat dinner, and let me take a turn comforting you for a minute. I promise I won’t make you eat any raisins. Would you let me?”

Serena was like a feral cat--not knowing whether she could trust what was going on. She wanted to just sit with June and have dinner--it actually looked decent. Rita must have been frightened that June was going to lose the baby. And she did seem better--less--well, whatever she was being when she was really sick. As much as she hated how strong June was when they butted heads, it's also the thing that she admires the most about her. She's resilient.  _ Resilient enough to put up with my shit _ , Serena thought. "Sounds like a truce to me, and I'll see your white flag and offer my own in return."

June passed a plate to Serena and silverware, and they both dug into the feast. They really hadn't eaten in a long time, and they were both emotionally drained. Serena was starting to feel a lot better after she finished eating, so she thought it was safe to answer June's question. "I didn't wake you when I was crying because you were too sick and weak. “I'm not so selfish as to burden you with my pain, when you clearly have more to bear than most. And the reason why I was crying was that it's exhausting playing the part of Serena Joy Waterford, Gilead poster child. I would love to just be me--a normal person, with normal feelings and normal needs. But I'm not, and I am not allowed any of those things. And feeling them--just for a couple days--and then having to shove them back down--it's excruciating. And it makes me wonder why I let my guard down in the first place, and then I remember how it happened and...I didn't really have any choice."

"You don't have to play a role with me. Just...be yourself when we’re alone." She picked up the slice of pie and placed it on Serena's plate. "Here. I know it’s your favorite. You have it."  _ God, what is it about her that makes me want to please her all the time? _ June reached for a napkin, feeling warmth as their hands touched accidentally. “It just occurred to me. We never finished our game," June said with a smirk. "Dare."

"No." Serena forked a bite of pie and piloted it over to June's mouth, who was more than ready to receive it. Serena took the next bite for herself, then fed June the next. The intimacy of the act didn’t occur to Serena until after she’d already started feeding June from her fork. She went back and forth with the fork until the plate was empty, then got up, cleared the plates and the trays, and placed them outside the bedroom door. Then she closed it. And locked it.

June lifted an eyebrow when Serena locked the door. "Looking for a bit of adventure tonight?" she asked flirtatiously. "Come here. " she patted the bed beside her, trying to ignore the nerves that popped up.  _ Shit. What was happening? _

Serena ignored June’s request and walked into the bathroom and proceeded to run the bath. She pulled out a couple of towels—much fluffier than the ones that June had in her bathroom—and poured bubble bath into the water, waiting for a moment until the bubbles started to foam. She walked out into the bedroom where June was still sitting in bed, trying to figure out what was going on.

“You asked for a bath, didn’t you?” Serena said. “Come on—chop chop. You don’t want the water to get cold.” She walked over to June’s side of the bed and helped her up. She didn’t want to take any chances that June might get dizzy. She walked June into the bathroom without incident, although June was leaning heavily on her arm. “I’m not being bossy, but I think you need help undressing and getting into the tub. And I also don’t want you to pass out and drown, so I’ll stay nearby and watch to make sure you’re ok. I just want to do something nice for you. Would that be ok? Can I help you?”

"Yes, it’s ok, and I would love your help. '' June blushed as Serena helped her out of her dress, instructing her to hold onto the sink. June did as Serena asked, tensing up when Serena began to help her out of her underwear. She shivered in the cold bathroom air, before letting Serena help into the warm, rose-scented water. June leaned back in the water, relishing the warmth on her skin. "Serena...can you wash my hair?" It was one of June’s guilty pleasures. She used to love going to the hair salon and have the professional shampooer wash her hair—sometimes for as long as 10 minutes—because she loved the feeling of firm fingers massaging her scalp.

"Get your hair wet for me," Serena asked quietly, as she reached under the bathroom sink for a bottle of what looked like real shampoo--not the step-above homemade lye that they gave the Handmaids to wash their hair. Serena rolled up the sleeves of her dress carefully, and placed a towel on the floor. She removed her shoes and placed them away from the tub so they wouldn't get wet or trip June when she was getting out. Serena knelt down onto the towel beside the tub, poured shampoo into her hand, and proceeded to work the luxurious soap into June's hair, taking care to make sure she got it everywhere--even the ends of her long hair. Then, with her strong fingertips, she massaged June's scalp for what seemed like a very long time. She watched June's expression change as she relaxed into her hands, trusting her, letting her do this for her. She used her fingernails to scratch along the bottom of her hairline, behind her ears, and at the edges of her scalp. When June looked so relaxed that she was about to fall asleep, Serena decided that her work was finished. "June? You need to rinse your hair now ok? Scoot down and I'll help." June slid her body into the tub further and submerged her head just to her ears. Serena used her hands to make sure that all the soap got out, before asking June to sit back up. Serena wrung out June's hair, and smiling, she hoisted herself up from the floor and returned the shampoo to its spot under the counter.

June looked at Serena with a contented sigh. She didn't want to move, didn't want this moment to end. She took the bar of scented soap Serena handed her, and used it, and a washcloth, to get herself clean. Then she submerged herself into the water once more, closing her eyes. She came up, resting her back against the tub again and taking Serena’s hand in her own, placing a soft kiss on her knuckles. "I like this side of you. Warm, sweet, kind—helpful. Not to mention unspeakably gorgeous and ridiculously tempting. Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" she asked, knowing she sounded cheesy, but wanting to make Serena laugh.

"Wow...that's just...that's something a swarthy guy in a strip club might say to one of the dancers. I'm not sure how I feel about that to be honest. I guess we can chalk it up to you still being sick...in the head apparently."

Serena chuckled and sat on the edge of the tub. If June was going to use a cheesy pick-up line on her, then she supposed it would be ok if she did a little checking out on her own. Her eyes raked over June's body, from the tips of her toes, to her legs, her torso, those fucking breasts of hers again, and then lingered at her lips. Serena was completely entranced, and leaned down, almost as if in slow motion, stopping just an inch from June's wet lips. She hovered there for a moment. And as she gave in and let her lips find their home on June's, Serena felt a jolt of electricity travel through her entire body. She moaned, and pressed into June's lips harder, slipping her tongue in and stroking it alongside June's. She was lost in a sea of desire, being drawn closer and closer until she slipped and started to fall into the water. She braced herself against the other edge of the tub so she wouldn't land on top of June, managed to pull herself back up and stood, straightening out the creases in her dress, and fixing her hair that had come loose from its bun.  _ Well that wasn’t very graceful, Serena, _ she chastised herself.

June’s mind was reeling from the kiss, and she stared in shock, the electricity flowing through her with a warmth and a fire. "That was…wow…you’re a good kisser Serena..." June groaned, her grin wide as she moved to stand up. All she wanted was to kiss her like that, for a really long time. That wasn’t going to happen in the bathtub, so it was time to move the party into the other room. “Would you help me out of the tub?" The dizziness had returned, but it wasn't as bad as before. Maybe it was a different kind of light-headedness. All she wanted to do was to feel the fire of that kiss again. She’d never been kissed quite that way before.

“Come on dizzy girl—that’s enough excitement for right now.” Serena said, hooking her arms under June’s armpits and practically hauling her to her feet. June was stunned by the sudden show of strength and followed Serena’s directions meekly as she stepped out of the tub and sat against the edge, catching her breath and willing her head to stop spinning. Serena wrapped her body in a white fluffy towel, and dried her hair with a second towel, finally wrapping it to catch most of the moisture. “Sorry I don’t have a hair dryer to offer you—they’re terrible for the environment,” Serena said, turning her attention to drying the rest of June’s body. She motioned for June to lift her foot up and she placed it on her thigh so she could dry her leg without having to kneel down. She had June switch legs, then placed it on the floor. “Wait there for a minute,” she instructed, going into her dresser and getting a nightgown for June. “Sorry, it’s blue. It’s kind of regulation for us Wives. I’ll go get some of yours tomorrow and put them in one of the drawers for you, along with anything else you need.” She helped June put the nightgown on over her head, then walked her back over to the bed and tucked her in.

June needed a distraction, hoping Serena couldn’t tell that her heart was beating like a deer in the headlights. Being in the same bed where she was raped every month required some compartmentalizing, She didn’t want Serena to know she was afraid, or to feel guilty. She wasn’t afraid of Serena. It was Fred, and Fred wasn’t here. “Do you think you would let me hold you tonight?” June asked quietly.

"Sure. That would be nice. I'm just going to get changed and brush my teeth. I'll be back shortly," Serena said, taking her nightgown into the bathroom. Before she closed the door, she said, "And June, if you are tired and fall asleep, it's ok. I'll hold you--like I did before. Only this time I get to be more comfortable." She winked and went into the bathroom, shutting the door behind her.

Falling asleep was not on June’s agenda. She tossed the pile of pillows to the ground, sitting as close to the wall as she could. She was annoyed at herself for feeling fear. She’d been fine in this room earlier. What had set her off? Perhaps it was the time of day—the Ceremony happened in the evening, so the lighting was the same. She told herself she was safe. It was just her and Serena, like it had been for days. Fred wasn’t home, Rita was in her own room downstairs, and Nick was in his apartment. She was wearing Serena's nightgown, for God's sake!

Serena emerged from the bathroom 15 minutes later. Her hair was down and brushed until it shone, and looked so much better than when it was up in that severe bun of hers, which she really couldn’t do much about. Rules were rules. She’d taken a few minutes for herself to do the beauty rituals she would normally do before getting into bed with someone for the first time. She knew she was attractive, and she knew June thought she was, too. But losing her power had stripped her of her once healthy self-esteem. Maybe the scars from her gunshot wound would scare or repel her. She didn’t know. All she knew is that she was tired. Tired of hiding from herself. She was not meant to be without love, without comfort, without passion. She never signed up for that. Fred and the boys cooked up that little rule that wives could not sleep with their husbands except for procreation purposes. They just did that so that they could fuck around with the reject handmaids that they turned into Jezebel whores. They thought the wives didn’t know about that place, but they did. 

Serena pushed all of those unpleasant thoughts to the side. Even if nothing happened tonight, and she wasn’t even sure she wanted anything to happen, it would be all right. She’d rather have June be 100% better so they both could – enjoy it?  _ Did I just say that? Am I really contemplating having sex, in my bed, with my handmaid. Oh, I have lost my fucking mind. _ A small voice that Serena had silenced many years ago made itself known.  _ Pleasure is scarce in Gilead. You have to take it when you can, because you may never have another chance _ . So when she walked out of the bathroom and saw June propped up against the wall, she simply climbed under the covers and slid her body close to June. And waited. 


	10. May I?

June was shaking slightly when she wrapped her arms around Serena, pulling her close— almost protectively. She placed gentle kisses along Serena’s shoulders, the back of her neck, her hands softly stroking her silken blond hair. Her breathing was irregular--likely because she was trying not to have a nervous breakdown like her instincts told her she should.  _ No. No _ . June focused on Serena’s body, worshipping it with kisses, caresses, and compliments. "You're beautiful, Serena. " June closed her eyes, burying her face in the golden mane that now draped across her front like a warm cape. Serena had succeeded in calming her fears, without even knowing she was frightened. "How do you do it?" June asked aloud.

"How do I do what?"

"Make everything alright, without even knowing anything is wrong." June moved so Serena’s head was lying on her chest. She took Serena’s hand and laid it on her stomach. "I hope you don’t mind--I destroyed your mountain of throw pillows."

"They're just for show," Serena said, letting herself rest her head on June. "I do the same thing every night. They're not practical, just pretty," Serena said, stroking her hand against June's stomach. She wanted to ask about the baby, but she didn't want to upset June. The baby was either ok or not ok--it was out of their hands and in God's. And tonight was not about the baby. It was about two women, thrown together in terrible circumstances, who may have a chance at something different than the misery and violence that filled their days and nights. Serena let her hand wander up higher, sliding her hand on top of June's breast, and holding it in her palm, just feeling its weight. She wasn't sure how far she should proceed--she was fairly certain June wasn't up to anything major physically.

June moaned softly, leaning her head down to capture Serena’s lips with her own again, running her hands softly down Serena's back, softly kissing her while her hands travelled lower, further downwards. She wanted her—badly--but she also knew she was physically limited right now. Everything.was going to have to go slow. But she wanted to touch her, and be touched by her. Even if it was just this one night. She kissed Serena’s soft, silky lips again. "You taste like mint," she whispered.

"Better than cigarettes, I suppose," Serena said smiling, grabbing June’s hands and placing them firmly on her hips. "I don't mind if you touch me, but I also know you don't feel well. So if all we do is make out, I'm ok with that. But you need to be very. fucking. quiet. I mean it," Serena said, taking on her scary Mrs. Waterford voice. Realizing what she'd just done, she started kissing June's neck, and along her shoulders. "Because," she whispered softly, "we want to be able to do this again without getting caught, right? So we may want to pull some of those pillows back up here in case we need to scream into them."

"Ohhhh yes. Yes we do. We really do." June reached down and grabbed several pillows, tossing them carelessly onto the bed. "You. Are. Gorgeous. As. Fuck." June whispered, kissing Serena all over, squeezing her ass softly and putting a knee in between her legs. “Please…”

Serena pressed her mouth against June's breast, sucking her nipple through the cloth of the nightgown. She thought about leaving teeth marks on the fabric and what Rita might say about that when she did the laundry. The thought was wicked and made her feel reckless. She slid her hands underneath June's nightgown until they found her breasts, and her hard, waiting nipples. As Serena teased and twisted them, she continued her assault on June's very sensitive neck, eliciting quiet, but sexy moans from her. Serena was getting ridiculously turned on just touching her. June wasn't just the handmaid anymore. She was a living, breathing, intelligent, funny, beautiful, and amazing woman. And she was right here in her bed, wanting only to be loved.

June was practically purring as she kissed her everywhere—over and over. Her hands travelled up to Serena’s hair, burying her fingers into the long silken tresses, with a gentle, stroking motion, massaging Serena's scalp. Her hands travelled down Serena’s back once more, pulling the nightgown up and finding purchase on Serena’s bare ass, grinning in satisfaction at the sound of quickened breath in her ear. "Fuck....Serena.....s...stop t..teasing me," she hissed, subtly spreading her legs, hoping Serena would get the hint.

"As soon as you stop teasing me," Serena said, her hand sliding between June's legs, grazing over her curls, close enough to get some of her slick on her hand. She brought her hand up to her mouth, locked eyes with June and licked the sweet juice from it. The expression on June's face was priceless and worth every bit of the risk they were taking. "Mmmmm...that's really really good," Serena whispered, enjoying the effect she was having on June. "What's that? Tired of waiting? Then do something about it."

June kissed her deeply, moving back upwards so she was laying beside Serena, moving to make herself more accessible. "May I....touch....touch you?" She asked in a whisper, planting soft kisses on Serena's face and chest.

"Only if you let me touch you too," Serena breathed, reaching down between June's legs again, and covering her mound with her hand, her fingers toying with her clit. She kissed June, her tongue sliding inside her mouth with practiced ease.  _ Why is this so easy? Why isn't this weird? _ Serena stopped thinking and grabbed June's hand and placed it between her legs. "Don't get too crazy--you're still not feeling well. But I think we can both figure something to do to make each other feel good without hurting you.  _ Or your precious cargo _ , Serena thought, making a mental note not to be too enthusiastic--no matter how much she wanted to spend all night doing more of this.

June moaned, pressing her face to Serena's chest, taking slow deep breaths to minimize the level and loudness of her moans. "Fuck. Fuck Serena." June hissed, gently rubbing small circles onto Serena's clit. "Oh hell. Holy fuck…Serena...."

Serena pressed her fingers hard onto June’s clit, while her mouth latched onto June’s nipple, sucking it about half as hard as she wanted to. She felt June get wetter, and she knew she was having trouble being quiet. “You really, really have to be quiet, ok? Otherwise we have to stop.” Serena almost couldn’t keep a straight face when she said that and giggled. “Ok, I’ll call bullshit on myself. I’m not stopping.” Serena buried her face in June’s tits and licked, and sucked and nibbled on them until she thought June was going to lose it. Then she silenced June by crushing her mouth to hers and taking possession of it, and drove her thigh behind her hand to put more pressure on June’s clit without actually fucking her. And she wanted to fuck her—but she really couldn’t. Not until they knew the baby was safe. She would feel inconsolable if she caused harm to the baby—and she knew June would be upset too. Serena focused all of her attention on a hard, fast motion—one that never failed to get her off, and within a few moments, she felt June reach for the pillow, bury her face in it, and let out the most amazing, muffled moan she’d ever heard in her life. She almost came from listening to her.

June collapsed, going still, closing her eyes as she came down from her high. Her hand found Serena’s, and she brought it to her lips. “That was amazing. Fuck..Serena...give me a few minutes and I'll finish .....after the damn room stops spinning." June felt Serena stroking her face and flashed a satisfied smile at her. "So this is our room now? Fuck. Serena....kiss me again?"

“You’re ridiculous—you know that right? Just relax, ok? You should be feeling really good. You had a bath, you had your hair washed, Rita made you a nice dinner with your favorite cookies, and you just had a really hot-looking orgasm. In the real world that would be an amazing day, but in Gilead? It’s off the chart excellent. Just close your eyes, and go to sleep. And for fuck’s sake, do not call it “our” room, ok? Not even in fun. I don’t want you to slip when we’re not alone. And that’s not me being mad. And well, I guess I will shut the fuck up because you are literally snoring.”

"Mmm yeah. Got it." June mumbled, turning and burying her face in Serena's chest again, heaving a contented sigh. She smiled in her sleep, already out cold, the product of Serena’s magic touch.

When morning came, June was the first awake, awoken by the sound of a familiar sounding engine in the driveway. "Serena!!!!! Wake up! The Aunts are here!”

“Mmm….you’re just saying that because you don’t want to fuck me this morning,” Serena said, kinda kidding and kinda serious, then realized what June had just said. “Oh shit, this room smells like sex…damn it! Serena flew to the bathroom to scrub her hands and face and quickly pin her hair up. She chose her most severe looking dress, and put a run in her nylons in her haste to get dressed. “June, can you put your dress on please—please? And I’ll get you into the bathroom if you need help, but you have to wash the smell of me off you, ok? The goal is to NOT let the aunts know where you are sleeping, or better still, not know where I am sleeping. I can say that I generously gave you my room because it was the most comfortable. Hurry June, or this could be it for us!”


	11. Serena's Wrath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aunt Lydia is no match for Serena's wrath.

June flew into action, tearing the sheets off the bed and tossing them into the hamper, then grabbing fresh ones out of the closet. "Serena! Make the bed. I'll go get dressed." June hurried to the bathroom as quickly as she dared, tossing her nightgown in the hamper, running a cold washcloth over herself, and getting dressed quickly before pinning her hair up. Serena quickly put the comforter and pillows on the bed, and made sure she was good and angry for her confrontation--the Aunts should be terrified of her--not the other way around. Just as June came out of the bathroom, and sat up in the freshly made bed, they both heard the sound of a cane banging on the lower stairs. "Quick! Unlock the door and grab your knitting!" June whispered.

“Fuck the knitting,” Serena said. “Wait 10 minutes, then come downstairs--you know they’re going to want to see you. If you need help getting down the stairs, call out and I'll have Rita help you." Serena stomped out of the room and slammed the door--hard. She stormed down the stairs quickly and stopped Lydia just as she was climbing the third step. "I’m quite certain I didn’t invite you upstairs. And I’m quite certain no one in this household sent you to my family’s personal rooms without my direction, which means you took it upon yourself to invade my privacy. Turn around and join me in the sitting room, Aunt Lydia. I have a few things to say to you."

Aunt Lydia was shocked at Mrs. Waterford’s icy tone, although she shouldn’t have been. It was legendary. She often thought she would have made a brilliant Aunt, but then again, Lydia didn’t want the competition, and Serena would have buried her. 

“Mrs. Waterford, I've come to apologize…and to check on Offred. I had no idea she was pregnant. I would have never subjected her to that--er--lesson--in obedience. And frankly, I’m here because I need your help. I’ve been told if you'll forgive me, I won’t have to go to the colonies. I swear, I didn't mean to hurt any of our beloved Handmaids--certainly not Offred. I love my girls. You must help me."

"It’s a little late to be inquiring as to the health and well-being of my handmaid. You had one job. To protect our sacred handmaids. You blew it. And you let your lust for power and control, drive you to do something reckless. Offred almost died and my child--my child's life is now in jeopardy because of your sadistic punishment. You can't fix this Lydia. I'm shocked that anyone thought it was a good idea to let you come to my home to beg for mercy. Someone will pay for that error.” 

Serena burned with rage, and it felt good to have such a deserving target. “You’ve never shown an ounce of mercy to these girls—ever. Certainly not Offred. You've treated them like animals, permanently damaging them with your cattle-prod discipline. Now it's your turn to be dehumanized and join the rest of the un-women. They’ll tear you apart by nightfall. In the colonies, the shelf-life for an Aunt is shorter than it is for a Wife.”

“You’re one to talk, Mrs. High and Mighty Waterford! The abuse you shower onto your handmaids is the stuff of nightmares. Don’t think we don’t know what happened to your first Offred. We all know you’re the one that drove her to madness and to take her own life—you with your unnatural desires and lust!”

Serena’s blood burned hot, and she lunged toward Aunt Lydia, threw her up against the wall, grabbed her by the throat with both hands and choked her. As she watched Aunt Lydia turn blue, she unloaded all her fury and rage at her full force: “You’ll pay for those words, you dried up bitch. I know all about you and your pathetic life before Gilead raised you up. You’re no paragon of virtue. You’re just a lonely old spinster with a long-expired subscription to the vibrator-of-the-month club. Don’t worry. You won’t have to wait too long to get everything you deserve. You’re living on borrowed time.” Serena released the choke hold and called for Nick, who appeared from the shadows, and took Lydia roughly by the arm. She tried to resist, but Nick gave her a look that made her fall right into line.

“You know what to do with her. Get her out of my sight and make sure she's shoveling toxic waste by this evening. May God have mercy on your soul, because I have none for you here,” Serena said.

“Nick, if you should happen to feel the need to kick her head a few times before you leave, I’ll say she fell down the stairs when she broke into our home uninvited. And make sure she keeps her ugly, fat mouth shut. You wouldn’t believe the filth she just told me about your unnatural relationship with Commander Pryce.” Serena lied like it was her job, and she couldn’t care less. She saw Nick’s face turn into a snarl. Apparently, her guess had struck pay-dirt. She wouldn’t have to worry about Aunt Lydia anymore, because Nick would probably cut her tongue out before he dropped her off.

June had waited as Serena asked her to, then made it about halfway down the steps before she felt dizzy and had to sit down. Then she heard the screaming and wanted to hear the show. This was one time she thoroughly enjoyed listening to Serena unleash her rage on a such a deserving target like Aunt Lydia. 

As soon as she heard Nick come and take Aunt Lydia, she called out, "Mrs.Waterford?" trying to make the spinning stop and to slow her breathing. “Mrs.Waterford?" she tried again, louder this time.

"Is that Offred?" Aunt Lydia asked, and Nick roughly threw her out the door and slammed it behind them. As soon as they were out the door, Serena ran to the stairs. "June, are you ok? Just sit here and rest and we'll get you back in bed. "

June shook her head. "No. I...im fine. I'll be fine in a minute. Are the Aunts gone? Are they coming back for me?” June turned her head to the side, just in time to vomit on the stair below her. She heaved several times until there was nothing left in her stomach but bile. Serena rubbed her back and told her it was all right and that it was no problem to clean it up. When June was finished, she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and said. “Tell me everything, and don’t leave anything out. It sounded like an epic rage-fest! I wish I had a tape of it so I could play it for my Handmaid buddies.” 

“I’m sure they would enjoy it. Basically, she came here to beg my forgiveness to save her from being sent to the colonies, which I of course, refused. She said some ridiculously cunty things to me, so I choked her until she turned blue, screamed at her, and threw her out of the house. Nick’s putting her in the van headed for the colonies right now. And that, my dear, will keep all the Aunts away, because they're terrified of me. But enough about all that. What’s really important is you. Do you feel well enough to try to go back upstairs?"

"Can we go downstairs instead? A change of scenery might be nice, and a little fresh air might settle my stomach."

"Sure, but we'll take our time. Rita will make you some ginger tea, and that should help. Come on now, take my arm." Serena was able to get June downstairs and seated in the kitchen so she could drink her tea. 

Serena went up to Rita and quietly asked her if she could clean up the stairs where Offred had gotten sick. 

“Sure Mrs. Waterford. While I’m doing that, there is plenty of coffee, toast and fresh fruit for breakfast. If you want something more substantial, just let me know.”

“Thanks Rita,” June said, feeling guilty. Serena poured herself a cup of coffee, and fixed herself a small bowl of fruit, and sat across the table from June. 

June sipped the tea, allowing it to relax her stomach, knowing it was more than likely just simple morning sickness. “Could I get a piece of toast, please?” June asked, and Serena put a piece of toast on a small plate and passed it to her, then took one for herself.

“When will I be allowed to walk outside, Mrs. Waterford?” June asked, pleased that she’d remembered not to be overly familiar in her address. 

“Not for awhile. You can’t be on your feet for more than an hour a day total, and judging by how your third day home is going, I’d say that’s ambitious,” Serena said. “When you’re well enough, you can go for short walks around the block, but not by yourself. I can’t have you passing out in the street and calling attention to yourself--and to us.” 

Rita came back a short while later, and Serena asked her if she could keep an eye on Offred. “I need to check on a few of my plants—I shouldn’t be more than 30 minutes, and if you need anything just let me know.” Serena walked out of the kitchen, got her cloak from the coat rack and went into the greenhouse.  _ If I let my prize orchids die, Fred will know something is amiss. They’re like my babies. _

As soon as Mrs. Waterford was out of earshot, Rita was ready to gossip. “We have a little time now—you know how she is about those orchids. So what the hell happened at Fenway Park? I heard they put nooses around all the Handmaids’ necks? And what about you? How did you end up in the hospital and what’s wrong with you? I need details, girl!”

June sipped her tea, smiling at Rita. "They, meaning Aunt Lydia, were responsible for the fake hanging. They'd have frightened all of us to death if S…Mrs. Waterford hadn’t shown up. I'm not sure exactly what happened to me, but I'm pretty sure I was suffering from shock. Two of the other Handmaid’s are still in the hospital, still catatonic with fear.

“Wow. I would have peed myself,” Rita said.

“The woman next to me did. It was terrifying. Then all of a sudden, I heard yelling and screaming, then we were all released, and walked down the stairs. Then I threw up, and fainted, and somehow Mrs. Waterford was there and got me to the hospital in the ambulance.”

“So how are you feeling now?” Rita asked.

“Not great, but better. In addition to morning sickness, I have atrial fibrillation, so I’m on medicine for that, and I’m dizzy and fainting all the time. I have to stay in bed for a month, except for one hour a day that I get to stand. And I can only do stairs once a day. It sucks.” June didn’t really think being stuck on the second floor with Serena sucked, but she needed to keep up appearances.

Rita gave her a worried look, while June continued to nibble on her toast. “Rita, I’m fine. Don’t worry about me.”

“You don’t look fine, and we need to fix that. I’m going to cook you up some really good food and put the color back into your skin. You’re too white on a good day, and now you’re like Casper the friendly Ghost,” Rita said, shaking her head while June giggled. “Now the Queen said you wanted baked chicken and lemon rice soup for dinner. I am doing my best to scrounge up the ingredients, but you know how it is at the Loaves and Fishes—it’s every woman for herself. But I’ve got connections—don’t you worry. And she might have said something about…ice cream? That’s going to be harder to come up with, but I’ll see what I can do. They don’t give us coupons for ice cream, but like I said, I’ve got connections. It won’t be tonight, but it might be tomorrow. The lemons are the tough thing to come by. I can’t believe she’s letting you make special food requests, but you are carrying the little prince or princess Waterford in your belly, so I guess she doesn’t mind spoiling you. And are you sleeping in her room with her? Where is she sleeping—on the chaise lounge? Lord knows that is a comfy piece of furniture. I’ve been known to put my feet up on that once or twice when no one was home. Oh my goodness, June, you don’t look good. What’s going on?”

June shook her head, trying to clear it. "I'm fine. And yeah. She sleeps on the chaise.” June laid her head on the table, trying to feel better.

"This is stupid. You need to get your ass back up in bed.” Rita went in search of Nick or one of the guards to help carry June upstairs. Serena chose that moment to return to the kitchen. "June, where's Rita? And why did she leave you alone? Are you ok? You're sweating and you look paler than normal.” June looked at her as though her eyes couldn't focus and proceeded to faint, but Serena was quick, and caught her before she fell out of the chair. Nick had finished escorting Aunt Lydia to the dreaded black van, and rushed inside with Rita. He looked at Mrs. Waterford for permission, and picked June up in his arms, and carried her upstairs like she weighed nothing, followed by Serena and Rita. Once he had laid her down on the bed, Serena thanked him and showed both of them out of the bedroom, and closed the door. Serena wondered vaguely if Aunt Lydia's sudden arrival frightened her and sent her back into shock. She removed June's boots, and covered June with a favorite quilt that she'd made a long time ago. She laid down beside her and watched her, waiting for her to wake up. And she wondered what the fuck she should do.

"Mrs....Mrs. Waterford?" June asked, opening her eyes. She felt Serena’s eyes on her and she reached out, taking her hand. "What...happened?" June whispered. "Did I pass out again? Sweetheart?” June froze as soon as the word came out of her mouth.  _ What, in the actual fuck, is wrong with me? _

"Yes. You passed out again. So you're just going to do exactly what the doctor said and stay off your feet and for the time being, in bed, please. And you really need to be careful of what you call me. No harm done, because it's just me, but if I hadn't been alone...well, anyway. Nevermind. Just...well, try not to do that again. The doctor sent over some new medication for you--I called and let him know that you were still fainting and dizzy and nauseous. He's not surprised, because you have the heart rate issue combined with all the unpleasantries of being pregnant in the early stages. So, all of that to say, he gave me some tips on some natural remedies that I can make for you from the herbs in the garden. And he sent over more heart pills. He's doubling your dose. All of this, should have you, if not walking around, at least not dizzy, fainting and vomiting every time you do anything more than lift your head." Serena saw the effect the information overload was having on June, so she stroked her face and placed a soft kiss on her cheek, in the hopes of calming her down.

June leaned into Serena’s hand, and asked “can you hold me?" She felt the warmth of Serena’s body and the calming force of her arms wrapping around her. She closed her eyes, lifting her head to place a kiss on Serena’s jawline. “I’m sorry if I worried you. I have to say, you’re very sexy when you're protective."

"It's not your fault. It's Aunt Lydia's fault and by now, she's probably being delivered to the colonies and being shown around by the locals...she'll last less than 24 hours there. Those women will tear her limb from limb, and that's too good for her. They're putting Aunt Elizabeth in Lydia's role and I think it's for the best. Lydia was a bit power-mad."

Serena disentangled herself from June and sat up. "I need to meet Fred at a dinner party this evening, which means I'm going to have to leave you alone. I tried really, really hard to get out of it, but no luck. And we cannot have him getting suspicious. So, I’m hoping you’ll be fine for a few hours, and I've asked Rita to keep an ear open for you, and check on you every hour.”

“What time will you be home?” June asked, suddenly nervous. Fred was not terribly observant, but June knew that if he even suspected anything between his wife and handmaid, he’d have Serena hung on the wall. Hell, he might kill her himself, and June couldn’t let that happen.

“I honestly don't know how late, but I doubt it will be past 10:30."

"Please be careful. I don't trust him. " June sat up and said, "And don’t worry about me, worry about yourself. You’ll need to be 100% Mrs. Waterford around him.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We'd love to hear from you-send up a smoke signal, or leave a comment if you are so inclined...


	12. The Slap Heard Round the Waterford's

'"June...I'm always Mrs. Waterford. I'm not the one who's slipping--it's you. And I get it, you're not well. You’ve been through some terrible shocks, and your body is trying to heal. You and I have been stuck like glue for days now, but we’re not locked in a cabin by ourselves on an extended romantic holiday. You're ill, and I'm taking care of you--that's what everyone thinks and we can’t do anything to change that perception and give ourselves away. We have to be careful of our feelings. I know we have a lot to figure out. Just...trust me please. I'm going to take care of you, and the baby, and of us. I'll figure something out. Now, I'm going to need to get ready for tonight, so I'm going to take a bath. Do you need anything while I'm getting ready? Tea? Are you hungry?"

June nodded, as Serena's round-about way of reminding her of her place in the Gilead food-chain sliced like a knife. "No thank you,” June said stiffly. “I'll be fine. And I won't allow myself to slip again.” June knew she had to be more careful. She couldn’t risk her safety, Serena’s safety, the baby's safety--all for some fucked-up crazy fling that was destined for disaster. When push came to shove, Serena would do anything to save her baby. 

“June, I know that tone of yours. I’m not abandoning you. I just said, I would always take care of you and the baby, and unfortunately, that means that I have to keep up appearances with my husband. No matter what I really feel.” 

Serena slid her hand behind June’s neck and pulled her into a long, slow, passionate kiss. “Now, why don’t you lay down and rest, and you can entertain yourself by imagining me lying in the tub all naked and turned on from that kiss.” Serena laid June back down, gave her a wicked smile and went into the bathroom to fill the tub, closing the door partially so she could hear June if she called out. She also didn’t mind giving June a little something to look at. Serena got undressed and made sure the water temperature was the way she liked it, and slid her body into the tub and released a sigh of contentment. She’d been trapped with June for days in that hospital and this was the first bath she’d had since the day of the hanging. She closed her eyes for a few moments and just enjoyed the feeling of the water against her skin, allowing her worries to float away for the time being. 

June waited a bit until after she heard Serena slide her body into the tub, then sat up slowly and carefully, checking to see if she was dizzy. Feeling relatively stable, she got to her feet and walked softly into the bathroom, taking her time so she didn’t fall. She knelt down beside the bathtub, gently running her fingers across Serena’s naked, bubble-covered shoulder, not expecting Serena's knee- jerk, defensive reaction. She jumped backwards, eyes widening. "Serena....hey....it's just me."

"Jesus, June for fuck's sake! You scared the shit out of me! What...what are you doing out of bed? You could fall, or something." Serena's heart was pounding in her chest. She'd drifted off to sleep and being touched when she wasn't expecting it...well, it was a shock. "June, sweetie, listen to me," Serena said, sitting up and stroking June's face. "You're getting reckless. I...I know we started something and it feels really good and it's what we both want all the time, but we have to be safe! I mean...oh, damn. That...that feels really good," June had started massaging Serena's tight shoulders, effectively silencing her fears, worries and complaints. 

"Let me take care of you." June whispered into Serena’s ear, massaging the tight spots out of her neck and shoulders. Serena knew that this was unwise. It was very unwise. But as soon as she felt June’s fingers kneading the flesh of her neck and shoulders, where she carried all of the stress and all of the frustration of being a woman in Gilead, she just let herself enjoy it. She felt the emotion coming from June—just from her touch. June placed kisses on Serena’s back, as she moved her hands down Serena’s arms and brought them up again to massage her breasts, earning her an appreciative moan. "I believe we didn't get to finish something last night, Serena.” June kissed Serena’s neck, careful not to leave any marks. She moved her hand lower, slipping between Serena’s legs.

Feeling June’s hand between her legs, and her lips on her neck meant Serena couldn’t stop this even if she wanted to. It had been so long—so long since anyone had touched her like this. Years and years of being a woman with normal, God-given needs for pleasure and sex, and the only outlet was her own hand. She knew it wouldn’t take much to get her off, and that was probably best. She vaguely thought about the consequences of getting caught, and then dismissed them, as June’s fingers found her clit and seemed to know exactly what she liked. She suppressed a moan when June entered her pussy—her fingers were soft but strong, and touched her in a way she’d never been touched before—with a desperate, yet restrained desire. She felt June’s fingers take her higher and higher and all too soon, it was over, and her walls were squeezing June’s fingers, and she felt her pull out, and lean down to take her lips into a kiss. 

“That was really nice. You didn’t have to do that.” 

"There's nothing I wouldn't do for you Serena. I mean that. I really want to get out of here—leave Gilead—with you. It’s all I think about. If you asked me to…” June was silenced by Serena’s soft lips on her own.”

"And I want that too, June. But first things first--you must get well. We can't run anywhere if you pass out every hour on the hour. And plotting and scheming our escape is too exhausting for you. We'll...we'll figure something out. I'm not without means and connections. But nothing works if you're not healthy, ok? You and our baby. And the water is cold, and I need to get dressed for this stupid dinner party tonight. If you get yourself back into bed and rest, I'll get dressed in front of you and you can watch me put my pantyhose on. It's not much, but Gilead is short on entertainment."

June laughed, pushing herself to her feet, leaning on the doorway for a moment. "I’d say the entertainment in Gilead today is very fine. " She walked slowly to the bed, and lay down. She was high from touching Serena and making her come. It was hot, and she couldn’t wait to do it again. She thought perhaps the Gilead factor contributed to the level of hotness--the thrill of not getting killed whenever you manage to steal an orgasm from another human being. “What’s taking you so long? You promised me something.”

“Patience”, Serena called from the bathroom, pulling her white silk robe on but leaving it open. She did promise June a show, and a show she would have. Serena walked into the bedroom and found June propped up against the headboard, lying on top of the covers, with her legs crossed at the ankles and her hands folded neatly in her lap. Serena smirked, and gave her a wink while she went over to her dresser, opened a drawer and pulled out a pair of very nice, very not Gilead-issued, lace panties—blue of course. She let the robe fall off her shoulders and turned to face June so she could get the full effect. She slowly stepped into them and slid them up her calves, her thighs, until they were perfectly snug on her hips. Then she went back into the drawer and found a matching bra—again, not standard issue—and slipped the straps over her shoulders and hooked it in the back. Finally, she found the promised silk hose, and, wanting to make sure June got the full effect, she sat in the chair closest to June—but not close enough for her to touch her--and slowly, teasingly, slid the hose up one leg, then the other. Then she stood and pulled them all the way up. June’s expression was priceless.

Before June got any bright ideas about getting frisky, Serena went over to her wardrobe and chose one of her best dresses, along with one of her better pairs of high-heels. She knew she’d be taller than Fred in these and she really didn’t give a fuck. She unzipped the dress and stepped into it, making sure the fit was right—then she zipped it and stepped into her heels. “That’s it. Show’s over. Now I need to fix my hair and put on what passes for makeup here.” June opened her mouth to protest, but one look from Serena silenced her. Taking pity on June, she walked over to the bed, leaned down, and placed a soft kiss on her lips, then went to finish getting ready. Fred expected her downstairs in 20 minutes, so she needed to hurry. 

June watched as Serena fixed her hair. "You'll put all those other wives to shame, you know,” June said smiling. God, she really was gorgeous. “Hey, random question, but what was your maiden name? Before you were a Waterford?" 

"Ironically, it's 'Joy'. People still refer to me as Serena Joy from that little stint I did as a singer."

“I wondered where that came from. "Come kiss me again before you go. I want to tell you a secret."

Serena looked at June indulgently, probably because she still had serotonin pumping from her brain from being fucked in the bath. "Fine, but do not mess up my hair or my make up--I mean it. Now what did you want to tell me?"

"Someday, when we get out of here, I’m going to make you Serena Joy Osborne. Because June Joy sounds like absolute shit," June said, laughing at Serena’s expression, placing a kiss on her cheek. "Don't keep the dumbass waiting."

"Hmmm...you have a point. That is a dreadful name. I detest first and last names that start with the same letter. If we get out of Gilead, we might need to go undercover so they don't find us. If you think Fred Waterford is going to let his wife escape with his pregnant handmaid and not send out a pack of dogs to hunt us down, you don't know him very well. But I do, unfortunately, so I'll be off now. Don't wait up for me--you need your rest. And don't give Rita a hard time. And whatever you do, don't confide in her.”

June nodded, moving so she was laying under the blankets, a tired smile on her face. "Have fun, and make sure you wake me before you get into bed. I don't want to accidentally hurt you like last time." 

The dinner party was typical for Gilead’s elite class. The Putnam’s were hosting, and they always put out a lavish spread. Their house was enormous and Naomi loved showing off. Normally, this would be the highlight of Serena’s week, but she was worried about June—and the baby. Also she was starting to suffer from not having any time to herself. The most she’d managed was a few moments smoking outside the hospital, and the half hour she’d spent tending to her orchids. She’d grown accustomed to spending a lot of time in her own head, but being with June 24/7 made that option not viable. 

“Serena, how’s Offred doing?” Fred asked when they had a moment alone.

“She’s getting better. I have to watch her like a hawk, though. She needs almost complete bed rest for the next month to protect the baby,” Serena said. 

“It must be challenging for you to spend that much time in her company—I know you don’t care for her,” Fred said, watching Serena’s face for her reaction. 

“We all have our crosses to bear, and if the only way I will ever have a child is to have our Handmaid carry and birth it for me, then so be it. I’ll do everything in my power to save that child and protect the vessel that carries it,” Serena said, hoping she sounded pious and stoic. 

“Still, she’s an insolent thing on a good day,” Fred said chuckling. “She can be challenging.” 

“And just exactly how would you know that…Commander,” Serena said icily. “The only time you’re in her presence for any length of time is during the Ceremony, and that’s hardly a meet and greet, and other than the prayer, there’s no talking.” 

“Still, I make observations. The staff gossips. She’s well liked, but she’s a handful, and can be very willful—all things we knew when we chose her.” 

“Well, for the time being, she’s far from insolent. She’s frightened, and she doesn’t feel well. Which makes the situation manageable. When she’s feeling better and wants to walk around and do things she shouldn’t, then it will be more of an issue, but I’ll manage. I have my ways of keeping her in line.” 

“Speaking of keeping Offred in line, I’ve gotten a recent report on Agnes MacKenzie. She’s doing well with her new family, but she has nightmares. They’re buying her a puppy, in the hopes that it brings her a bit of joy. Gilead is many things, but joyful is not one of them,” Fred said. 

“On that we agree. How are the negotiations going with Chile? Have you gotten any further with the Handmaid trade deal?” 

“Things have hit a snag—we can’t talk about it here, but I can fill you in another time. I don’t want to be overheard—you know I’m not supposed to share that sort of information with you. But I still value your opinion, dear. There wouldn’t be a Gilead without you.” Serena blushed and looked away. 

Meanwhile, back at the Waterford’s house, June laid in Serena’s bed alone, and wrapped her arms around the robin’s egg blue lacy pillow, her head throbbing. She closed her eyes, nodding off, and dreamt of Serena’s arms around her, her lips on her temple, soft hands petting her hair. She awoke in the darkened room to the sound of Rita’s footsteps, so she sat up in bed.

"How are you?” Rita asked.

"I'm fine, thank you. Tired, but fine." She accepted the dinner tray with beef stew and Rita’s amazing bread. Rita sat beside her and tried to coax her to drink some water. 

"You gave all of us a scare, June. I’ve never seen Mrs. Waterford that frightened—she’s got ice in her veins. But knowing you, you’ll have her eating out of your hand in no time. Enjoy it, honey. Milk it for all its worth."

June nodded, resisting the urge to confide in Rita. She finished her meal in near total silence, before lying back down, not realizing she’d made Rita slightly suspicious with her silence. She fell asleep, then jolted awake by the sound of the front door slamming, and raised voices. Serena? No, it was Fred, shouting about something. Two sets of footsteps could be heard—one pounding and the other light and quick. She dove under the covers, trying to hide--which was stupid, since she was clearly visible in the middle of the bed. 

“Fred, you can’t go in there! She is sleeping! She has to rest while the baby is in danger! No Fred--don’t!” 

“Serena, get away from that door. This is my house and my handmaid and you will not keep her from me.” 

“If anything happens to my baby , I’ll…” 

“You’ll what?” Fred opened the door to Serena‘s bedroom and flipped on the overhead light. He saw a lump in the middle of the bed which was June, trying very, very hard to pretend she was asleep. Indeed she wished she was asleep so she didn’t have to listen to any of this. 

“I told you she was sleeping Fred. What did you think she was doing up here? Plotting the overthrow of Gilead?”

The sound of a slap made June stiffen, but she knew she was in no physical shape to confront Fred. June heard the door slam, knocking a painting off the wall, as Fred stormed off, amid a stream of colorful swears. She heard Serena say “Fuck” really loud, then the sound of her heels coming off her feet and hitting the floor, and the feel of her body sitting on the side of the bed. She could feel the waves of fury coming off of Serena’s body.

"Are you ok?" Serena whispered. "I was afraid you were going to go into shock again if he scared you, so I just slapped him---harder than I planned, but I guess I had some resentment built up," she said, rubbing her hand that stung from the slap. "He's sulking in his study. He drank too much at the party, started getting handsy with me in the car, and I put a stop to it. He always gets really, really mean when he "sins" and accidentally fucks his wife. I just thought it was the last thing I needed right now, so I refused. Well...you saw how that went. Then he got all jealous of you for no fucking reason...ok, well, there's a reason but he can't know it, so he has no reason to be jealous." Serena stroked June's cheek. "I'm so sorry if he frightened you. Are you ok?"

June was terrified. The screaming and slamming and slapping had triggered her, and she was more frightened than she would ever admit. She had to get away from Serena before she did something to her, so backed away slowly, moving away from where Serena was sitting. She remembered just how deadly Serena could be when she was enraged. June lowered her head, hoping she looked suitably submissive. "I...I'm sorry," June stammered. “I'm really....sorry."

"June, you are literally cowering away in fear. Are you frightened of him or of me?"

June took a second to process what Serena said, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. She looked at Serena.  _ Calm down June, it's ok. It's Serena. You don’t need to be afraid of her. _ In addition to being triggered, she thought Fred had hurt Serena, and that seemed too much to bear. 

Serena clasped June's hands and said, "June, I don't want you to worry about Fred. I can handle him. He's basically weak and manageable. But work is not going well for him. He's in the middle of screwing up a huge trade deal in Chile. That's why he's upset."

Serena leaned over and kissed June softly. "Now, it's late. I'm tired, you're frightened, and I'd like to get out of this dress and go to bed. Actually, I'd like to smoke a pack of cigarettes and drink several stiff vodkas...but we can't always have what we want, can we?” Serena gently moved away from June after assuring her she'd be right back. She went into the bathroom, took her makeup off, brushed her teeth and changed into her nightgown, and slipped her robe on. 

She didn't trust Fred not to try to enter the room. Before tonight, he had never dared to enter her room without permission. How he could possibly think that the fact that June was in her bedroom gave him license to violate her privacy was beyond her.  _ This is really fucked up. I'm going to need to figure something out. This is not sustainable. June is combustible on a good day--although that is part of her charm. She’s going to get in trouble. I think putting her in my room was just about the worst idea I've had in a long time. _ She walked back into the bedroom and found June curled into a ball, crying.  _ Fuck. _

June sat up when she felt Serena's hand on her back, turned, and buried her face into Serena's chest. "You're going to wake up one day and decide you don’t give a shit about me—you only care about the baby. I get it. I know you're just trying to keep me calm, to keep the baby healthy, so that you can have your dream of becoming a mom. I just...I love you! I wanted to keep you safe and I couldn’t. I just…fuck…” June’s head was swimming as she clung to Serena, her soft shushing sounds calming her down. "I don’t want you to wake up one day and decide I’m not ...I’m not good enough. I want to be good enough. I need to be good enough."

Serena stayed quiet, letting June cry and get it all out of her system--for the moment anyway. She rubbed her back, and told her it was all going to be ok. She wondered if it was her heart that was broken from being in Gilead and having kindness shown to her had caused this torrent of feeling. Or was she really in love with her, as she said she was. When June finally stopped crying, she gave her the glass of water that was beside the bed and made her drink it. She coached her to breathe evenly, and slowly, and after a few minutes, June seemed noticeably calmer. 

"June, I'm trying to keep you calm because you have a heart condition, and while it's not good for the baby to be upset, it's much worse for you to be upset. I care for you and I care for the baby. June, the baby keeps you safe for me. It means the Aunts can't assault you. Fred can't rape you. Do you understand? I only have so much power. But pregnant June gives me a lot of power. And you know how much I want a baby, June. I'm not going to lie and tell you that I don't. But I don't want this baby at the expense of your life. Your life is the most important thing. Honestly, I'm not even sure it's possible to save this pregnancy. It's so early and your body's been through so much. But you being pregnant lets me have much more control over where you sleep, where you go or don't go, who is allowed to talk to you and who is not--do you understand? I want to keep Fred and the Aunts off of you, so we can have the month to plan our next move.”

Serena stroked June’s hair, and said, “I do care about you--you know I do. But you've had a lot more time to come to terms with your feelings for me than I have. I know that I'm enchanted with your kisses, and they transport me to another world. You're beautiful, and strong and sexy, and if we had the luxury of time, I would want to lay in bed with you for days and days and just talk and laugh and make love. But we live in hell right now, and until we get out, those dreams of ours are not going to happen."

June never thought she would hear anything like what Serena just said come out of her mouth. She felt less foolish about her feelings, and knew that at least some of her intensity had to do with the shock she’d endured under the hands of Aunt Lydia. "I’m going to get you out of here." June whispered, taking Serena’s hands and bringing them to her lips. "I am going to do whatever it takes, to get well enough to travel. I will make sure I'm able to take care of myself. I can't let anything happen to you, or us or the baby. Not now, not...now that I've found you. So, from now until then, I will do whatever you say. No complaints, and when we’re out of this forsaken place, we can do whatever we please and spend every day making each other happy." 

"No complaints? You'll do exactly what I say? Until we leave Gilead? Did I hear you right? I'm not going to lie, June--that would be very, very helpful. Your emotions are all over the place and I’m sure it's pregnancy hormones and leftover shock, but if we could just both stay very calm, stay focused on getting you on your feet--then we can make choices. And I have no doubt that you would defend me--but you have to be able to stand up to do that." 

Serena got up from the bed, went to the door and locked it, and put a chair under the door handle. "There. Fuck him." She shut the overhead light off and looked at the chaise in the corner of the room, then looked longingly at the bed. She sighed. She really should sleep in the chair. But she was so angry at Fred. She hated to let him have any influence in what she wanted to do. She hated to let him win. She pushed the chair closer to the bed, put a pillow on it and a blanket from the closet. Then she got into bed with June and slipped under the covers, and shut the light. "If he tries to come in, I'll have enough time to get out of bed and get into the chair. That should shut him the fuck up. I don't want you to worry about anything. Let's just go to sleep." Serena wrapped her arms around June and spooned her, trying to wipe out everything from the past couple of hours and just rest.

June smiled at the feel of Serena's arms around her, and the safety the other woman's embrace brought to her. “And we’ll get a cute little house, with a nursery for the baby, and of course, we’ll have Hannah with us. We’ll make sure the house has a garden for you, and we’ll get a cat and a dog. We’ll have a big backyard overlooking the woods, and we'll be able to see wildlife hanging around. Oh, and maybe we could live near a pond or a river? I've always wanted to live near a river. The sound of the flowing water is so peaceful." June was nodding off, the soft feeling of Serena stroking her hair putting her to sleep. "What's...your...dream house look like?"

Serena listened to June chattering about her beautiful fantasy house, and what life can be like after Gilead. She really was sweet and adorable.  _ The trauma this poor woman has endured...if we get out, she'll have whatever house she wants. I'll make sure of that. _ "That sounds lovely June. Dogs are nice, but I really love cats. We might need a couple of cats. And my dream house is any place where I can read, and write, and love and be loved, and think, and just...be me. Goodnight June." She kissed her shoulder one last time and pulled her in closer, praying to god that Fred would leave them alone. She'd deal with his bullshit tomorrow and he was going to be sorry.


	13. Fred, what have you done?

Serena woke up early the next morning, slightly disoriented. She looked at the chair that was jammed under the door handle and the events of the night before came back to her. She lifted June’s hair off her neck and kissed it, burying her face in June’s scent. She knew she should get up and deal with the Commander. But…she was so soft and so warm… _ No, I have to be strong. If I don’t manage his bullshit, he’s going to ruin everything.  _ Serena slipped quietly out of bed, grabbed her clothes and got dressed in the bathroom. After making sure her hair was in place and she looked suitably severe, she exited the bathroom. Checking to make sure June was still asleep, she went down the hall to Fred’s bedroom and knocked. “Come in,” Fred said. Serena opened the door to Fred’s bedroom and strode in. He was getting dressed and was trying to fix his tie and having a terrible time of it. He looked like he’d had a rough night. 

“Here. Let me help you with that,” Serena said, walking over to him to help with his tie. “How do I know you won’t strangle me with it?” 

“You don’t. I guess you’ll have to trust me, which would be refreshing, Fred.” He stilled her hands and looked at her with true remorse. “Serena, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what got into me last night. I…I let lust into my heart, and I tried to draw you into my sin. And then somehow I got all twisted in my brain about Offred in your room—and well, it was nonsense and gibberish. You are many, many things, Serena Joy, but a gender traitor you are not. And I am an imbecile that doesn’t deserve you.” 

Serena looked at Fred and dropped her hands. She sat down on the edge of his bed. “Fred, I need your support here. The Aunts almost killed my child. I don’t trust them with Offred—they—they have something against her. The doctor said the next 4 weeks are critical to the baby’s survival. We need Offred to be calm, and off her feet for the entire month. I put her in my room for expediency’s sake, and because she cannot walk all the way upstairs. I’m trying to keep my baby alive. That is why Offred’s here, isn’t it?” 

“Yes. Yes of course. You have my full support. I won’t question your judgement. And as long as you can attend functions with me as needed, I won’t argue about how much time you are spending taking care of her. I understand why you want to see to it personally. This baby means so much to you—to us. And I will never, ever burst into your room like that again. I swear on my honor as a Commander of Gilead, and your husband.” Fred reached for Serena’s hand and brought it to his lips for a soft kiss. She showed just a flicker of emotion—just enough to let him know that she accepted his apology but he needed to be on his toes. 

“Come downstairs and have breakfast with me. After the ruckas you caused last night, we need the staff to know everything is ok,” Serena said, and Fred agreed, following her down to the dining room, where Rita was preparing breakfast.

June woke, noticing at once the absence of Serena's arms around her. She stood slowly, walked to the bathroom and threw up.  _ Gotta love morning sickness. _ She stood, brushed her teeth and washed her face, then got dressed, but left her hair down. It wasn’t like she was going anywhere. June started walking laps around the large bedroom, stopping to rest after every few rounds to make sure she didn’t overdo it. She wanted to do her part, to get herself well, and moving around helped dissipate some of her anger. It pissed her off that Fred was allowed to do basically whatever he pleased with Serena—and to her, actually. June wanted the man dead, because it’s what he deserved. For what he did to June, and to what he continued to do to Serena. She made it to 50 laps around the bedroom before she heard the door open, and saw Rita came in and offered her arm. "The Commander wants to see you downstairs. Lean against me and I'll make sure you don’t fall. Come on now girl. It'll be good for you--get your strength back up." 

June did as Rita asked her, taking the stairs as slow as she dared, wincing in exhaustion as they finally got to the dining room. June could feel Serena's concerned eyes on her as she entered the dining room, yet she forced herself to stand before Commander Waterford, keeping her eyes lowered respectfully to the ground. "Blessed be the Fruit, Sir."

"Offred! You're looking well today," Fred said cheerfully. "Please, sit down. Rita will get you some breakfast."

June nodded, doing as she was told, sitting down across from Serena, sipping the tea that Rita set in front of her. "Thank you Commander Waterford. I am feeling better, Praise Be, but I have a long road ahead of me. It is thanks to your wife, that I am alive at all."

"Yes, she was quite heroic that day. She saved several other girls who went into shock after what Aunt Lydia put them through. Our Handmaids are our most sacred citizens. We must always treasure and care for them and honor their sacrifices. Offred, I know you are enduring the burden of pregnancy, and the illness and pain that goes along with that, but I assure you, you will be rewarded in heaven, with the almighty father. Offred? Are you alright? You don't look well. You look a little green."

June groaned, leaning forward, placing her hand over her mouth, trying to refrain from throwing up. She turned, starting to rise from her chair, feeling Serena's concerned eyes on her. "I...I...think...I’m sick..." Dimly, she heard a stream of swears from Fred, Rita coughing to cover a laugh, and Serena's soft voice trying to calm Fred down. She stumbled down the hall, and gasped when she felt a hard slap on the back of her head. "You damned bitch! What possessed you to think you had the fucking right to vomit all over my suit?" Fred's hand collided with her again this time striking her in the face. She bent over, trying to shield her stomach, and therefore the baby, from any future blows.

Serena raced to protect June, putting herself between her and Fred’s fist. She took the next punch that was meant for June, and it connected hard with the side of her face, knocking her flat on the floor. Fred was in a complete rage, grabbing June by the sleeve and trying to get her to stand up so he could knock her down again. Serena wasn’t moving. At all. When Fred finally noticed, everyone was silent and it was as though the world stopped. 

“Get Nick and tell him to start the car now, Rita—now!” Fred ordered. Leaving June lying on the floor, he picked Serena up and carried her out the kitchen door into the driveway, where Nick was waiting with the car door open. Fred carefully laid Serena in the back seat, and then he slid in, placing her head in his lap. She was completely unconscious. “Nick, we need to get her help now, but not a hospital--I can’t be blamed for this—you need to fix this.” “Yes sir.” Rita watched as the car drove away, then, remember June in the kitchen, lying on the floor in vomit, she ran back to help her. This was not turning out to be a good day. 

Nick drove as fast as he could to the hospital. Fred was yelling at him not to go there, but Nick paid him no mind. He’d had enough of Fred Waterford to last a lifetime, and he was going to see to it that he paid for this. Nick pulled his cell phone out and hit one speed dial number and spoke tersely into the phone. “I’m bringing Serena Waterford in—she’s been injured—she’s unconscious, with possible concussion from a blow to the head. Commander Waterford is responsible for the injury. We’ll be there in 2 minutes. Have a stretcher ready.” 

“What! Nick, how could you betray me like this! I protected you. I saved you!” Fred screamed.

“You did nothing for me that didn’t further your own ends. Serena Waterford is a Gilead treasure, and you’ve defiled her, and your Handmaid. Rita told me everything.” Nick pulled up to the emergency room entrance and there were armed guards and a stretcher waiting for them. Medics carefully carried Serena onto the stretcher and rushed her inside, while the guards grabbed Fred by the arms and dragged him into the black van. Nick parked the car and went to check on Serena. 

Back at the Waterford’s Rita was trying to get June up. Her eyes flew open and she tried to sit up, her movements frantic, scrambling on the floor. June pushed Rita away, and got herself to her feet, but couldn’t maintain an upright position, so she leaned against the back of a chair for support. "Rita, what happened to Mrs. Waterford?" The image of Serena lying motionless on the floor the only thing on her mind. “What happened?” "FUCK!" 

Rita explained what had happened, and that Nick was driving Serena and the Commander to the hospital. “She was unconscious the whole time. She took that punch that was meant for you, June. She stuck herself in front of his fist for you.”

"No," June whispered, heartbroken that she’d somehow been responsible for this. “If I hadn’t thrown up on him, none of this would be happening.”

“Girl, you’re pregnant—of course you’re going to throw up. His reaction was way off the chain. He should never have demanded you come down to breakfast anyway—what does that man not understand about bed-rest?” Rita said, shaking her head. “Come on, let’s get you back into bed.”

“No.” June stubbornly stumbled out onto the porch, waiting on the stairs, leaning up against the railing. "I need the fresh air anyway Rita." June said firmly. She closed her eyes, sipping from a glass of water, trying not to let her tears show. Fred wasn’t going to be punished, but Serena would likely be beaten again for defying him. 

"I don’t care if you need fresh air. Get in this house, NOW! It's below freezing out here, and I won’t have you risking your health, or that baby." June ignored Rita’s order, so Rita sat down beside June and wrapped her up in a blanket. June was afraid. Terrified, that Serena was going to die and June would never be able to have…a chance at a life together. She felt so helpless. 

Nick waited outside the room as Serena was having an MRI to check for head trauma. She had regained consciousness, and the nurses were doing everything possible to keep her awake. He knew Rita and June would be worried, so he called one of the guards assigned to the Waterford’s and asked him to tell Rita that Mrs. Waterford was having tests done and that he would send word with an update. She was awake and speaking. He decided not to update her on Fred. His phone rang shortly after and it was Commander Pryce. 

“Nick, what’s Waterford done now?”

“It’s the straw that broke the camel’s back, sir. He’s violated his Handmaid outside of the ceremony, he’s taken her to Jezebel’s to further defile her, he’s stolen money from the Gilead treasury, and today, he hit his wife so hard she’s unconscious and in the hospital being tested for a brain injury. He can’t be trusted sir. Yes, yes, sir. I will. Thank you, sir.” Nick hung up the phone and smiled.  _ Fuck you Fred. _

When the MRI was complete, Serena was wheeled back to the examination room, where the doctor delivered the news. “You have a mild concussion, Mrs. Waterford. I’d like you to stay overnight so we can watch you and make sure you’re alright.”

"I would prefer to go home, doctor, unless it’s dangerous for me to do so,” Serena said, her voice displaying her authority. 

“Why, no—it’s not dangerous. We just like to be cautious.” 

“Fine. Please tell me what I should and should not do, and we will be on our way.” Serena listened to the instructions, thanked the doctor and left the hospital walking beside Nick. As soon as they were in the car, Serena asked what happened to Fred. 

“The Commanders are holding a special meeting to determine his punishment. I don’t expect to see him again.” 

Serena’s blood went cold. He was a bastard but he was her husband still. And being a wife in Gilead with no husband meant they’d try to marry her off asap, and she was a catch. There would be a line out the door the minute Fred was dead. She had to figure out a way to get her and June out fast. But right now, her head was splitting, and she was looking forward to putting ice on it and lying down in a quiet, dark room. The doctor had said the headache could last as long as a month, and she shouldn’t do any close work like painting or knitting. So Fred wasn’t on the top of her list of worries. But he should be. 

“Did you get word to Rita?” 

“Yes, but I didn’t tell her about the Commander—just that you were being examined. I called to let her know that we were on our way back.” “Nick, are the Commanders going to want me to be there somehow—to testify against him?” Serena shuddered at the thought of doing anything more strenuous than lying down. She really did have a headache and it was making her nauseous.  _ Oh goody—June and I will be taking turns vomiting all day and all night.”  _

As soon as she heard the door open, June shot up out of her seat and rushed to the entrance of the sitting room, trying to appear nonchalant, but inside she was shaking. Rita had said Serena would be coming home, and she knew her face had lit up at the news.  _ Do not blow it June. Don’t let Nick know you care for Serena. Rita might be okay, but Nick is an Eye. He can’t be trusted. _

"Welcome back, Mrs. Waterford,” Rita said gently. “Why don’t you have a seat here in the sitting room and I’ll get you some water, then help you up the stairs. Offred! What are you doing up?” Rita hissed. June had to resist the urge to throw her arms around Serena. Instead, she simply looked at Rita, hoping she had an expression of innocence plastered on her face. 

"I was just going to get some water and maybe some soup, for myself,” June said, hoping Rita would leave them alone for a few minutes or so. 

Once Rita settled Serena in the chair by the fire and left the room to go grab the soup and the water, June sat at Serena’s side. "Serena, are you...are you ok?" Her voice broke, and she clutched Serena’s hand. "I thought he killed you."

“I know you’re frightened and I’m sorry that I scared you. I’ll be fine. I just have a ridiculously bad headache. And I need you never to touch me in any of the rooms in this house except for the bedroom. Understood?”

June snatched her hand back, looking chastened. "I was only worried, Serena. I still am. " 

“And please don’t look hurt. You swore that you would follow my lead and I need you to do that.” Serena squeezed June‘s hand and stroked her cheek and then directed her to take a seat further away from her. It hurt being bitchy to her, but she was really just trying to keep them alive. In a way, it was better when Fred was in the house, and their private business was just that—private. But if he truly was not coming back, this house, and Serena in particular, would be under intense scrutiny.

June turned, hearing Rita’s footsteps, and sat back in the chair, keeping her trademarked look of insolence and annoyance on her face. Rita put a tray in front of her, and she shook her head when Rita asked if she’d like anything else. 

“Rita, could you bring me a tray please—whatever Offred is having is fine.”  _ That was probably too familiar—I’m supposed to be a demanding wench, especially when I’m in pain.  _

Rita was back in a few minutes with Serena’s lunch, and she ate a little of the soup and drank a glass of water and asked for another one. Rita was waiting on her hand and foot.  _ The Commander really lost his shit this morning, _ Rita thought.  _ I’m not sure how that’s all going to playout, but it can’t be good--for any of us. _ “Ma’am, if you don’t mind, I could really use Offred’s help in the kitchen—she can sit down and chop vegetables—I won’t keep her on her feet—I promise.” 

Serena wanted to weep with gratitude. All she wanted was to lie down in a dark room and forget this day ever happened. “That would be wonderful, Rita—thank you. Could you make an ice pack for me too please?” “Certainly—l’ll only be a moment, then I’ll help you upstairs.” Rita sped off into the kitchen for the ice, happy to have something to do to help. 

“I hope you don’t mind staying down here for a while. I have never had a headache this bad before, and I—I really just need to sleep. And I know you’re going to worry about me and try to help and I promise, if there’s anything I need from you, I will let you know. But let’s just have Rita do the heavy lifting for us now, ok? And it would be really good if you resumed normal relations with Rita. She’s probably upset about what happened this morning and could use a friend.” Serena closed her eyes and rested her head on the back of the sofa and waited for Rita. 

"Ok, Serena—whatever you need," June said, following Rita into the kitchen. She sat down at the table, and began slicing vegetables. 

"If you could finish those, then start on the potatoes, that would be great. I'll just get Mrs. Waterford up to bed, and come back down to start on dinner." Rita walked into the sitting room, offering her arm to Mrs. Waterford, making sure she wasn't going to fall. Something was off, and Rita wasn't sure exactly what. Mrs. Waterford's eyes kept shifting towards the kitchen, and Rita wondered if she was worried about the baby. "Don’t worry Ma'am. Offred and the baby are just fine. I've had her resting most of the day, though she did refuse to leave the porch for a good two hours, which was odd. Here we go. Take it slow. Unless you’d rather I make up the couch for you in the sitting room? It would save you the stairs.”

“No thank you Rita. I think I can make it upstairs.” Serena leaned heavily on the railing, and slowly and carefully made her way up to her bedroom, with Rita right behind her, making sure she stayed on her feet. When they reached her room, she stopped Rita at the door, and took the ice bag from her. “Thank you, Rita—I can make it from here. Take care of Offred, please. She’s got precious cargo inside of her. After everything that’s happened, we can’t lose this baby.’

“Yes ma’am, my prayers are for that child every moment of every day. Ma’am, do you know if the Commander will be coming home for dinner?” 

“I’m not certain, but my guess is that he will not. In fact, well, it seems that his actions have been reported to high command, along with some other dastardly deeds he’s done of late. I expect his punishment to be severe. But I’m not sure what that exactly means. Nick might know, if you can wheedle it out of him.” 

“I’m so sorry he hurt you, ma’am,” Rita said, placing a hand on Serena’s arm. Serena gave her a tight smile and replied, 

“I am sorry about that too. For all of us.” 

Rita took her leave and Serena went into the bedroom and closed the door. She really wanted to take a bath to wash the stink of the past day off of her, but she didn’t think she had the energy for that. She slipped her shoes off, got undressed and slipped her body under the cool sheets. The blinds were already drawn, mercifully, and the room was dark and quiet. She placed the ice bag on the side of her head where Fred had punched her, and closed her eyes and fell asleep almost right away. She dreamt of a little house in the country with two little girls playing in the back, beside a small stream. There was a clothesline strung outside, and a short, attractive blond woman who looked a lot like June, hanging sheets out to dry. The woman saw Serena and walked up to her, abandoning her laundry and drew her into a deep, passionate kiss that Serena could feel all the way through her body, both inside the dream and in real life while she slept. The rest of the dream was just about the four of them having a normal family life, with no violence, no Aunts, no Eyes, and most of all, no Fred. 

While Serena slept, June sat at the table, chopping onions for the stew Rita was making, deep in thought. She knew if she ever saw Fred again, she would kill him, tear him limb from limb, destroy him like the coward she knew him to be. Her eyes watered, either from the onions or her emotions overflowing—she wasn’t sure which, and it didn’t really matter anyway. She was seething, wanting a chance to destroy Fred for laying a hand on Serena. She didn’t realize she was chopping the onions into miniscule pieces until she heard Rita laugh. 

"Something bothering you? Don’t take it out on the onions. My guess is they didn’t do anything to you personally,” Rita said.

June looked up to find Rita staring at her with an odd expression on her face. "No. No they didn’t. Nothing’s wrong Rita. I’m just royally pissed off." June pushed the now too small onions aside and started in on the celery, chopping it in a series of vicious taps, while Rita just shook her head. “I’m going up to check on Mrs. Waterford. Don’t destroy my celery, ok?” 


	14. Homemade apple pie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Serena finds out the fate of her husband as she tries to recuperate from the head injury he inflicted on her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We truly hope you're enjoying these two and this story :)

Rita poked her head into Mrs. Waterford’s room and found her asleep, so she left her alone. She came back a couple of hours later to bring her a tray, and she was still asleep. Thinking it might be a bad thing to let someone with a head injury sleep too long, she cleared her throat and said in a loud, but not too loud, voice, “Mrs. Waterford? Do you want to wake up and eat some dinner? I can get you a tray. I made the stew you like.” Rita heard a groan coming from the general vicinity of Serena—it was hard to tell because the room was so dark. 

“Could I have some water, and more ice please?” she said quietly, rolling over onto her back, but not sitting up. 

“Certainly, Mrs. Waterford. And if you like, I can bring dinner to you later—whenever you’re ready.” 

“That would be best—I—I’m really not feeling well. Fred certainly did a number on me.” She realized too late that she was being familiar with Rita, which was never good. “Thank you for keeping Offred busy. I—I wanted to take care of her and the baby, but I just can’t right now. I can’t even take care of myself.” Serena was starting to feel very sorry for herself, and she was on the verge of tears, so she summoned her authoritative voice and said, “The ice, please, Rita. Then, that will be all.” 

Rita scurried downstairs to get the water and the ice, and found June looking decidedly murderous. “What’s got your Handmaid panties in a bunch?” 

June looked up at Rita, still slicing things. "Nothing Rita. Is Mrs. Waterford feeling any better?"

"She’s sleeping a lot. She doesn’t want to eat now, and she wants water and ice, which I’m bringing to her now. She’s in rough shape,” Rita said.

“Would you mind if I make an apple pie for dessert? I have an old family recipe memorized,” June said hoping that focusing on something nice for Serena would take her mind off of her anger.

Serena slept for another hour or so, then woke up and drank the glass of water that Rita had brought earlier, and poured herself another glass and set it down. The ice, and the painkillers had started to do their magic, and she felt like she could lift her head without making her skull throb. She was well enough to be angry. “Rita!” she bellowed, loud enough to remind everyone just who she was. Rita was there in a flash, used to Serena’s tantrums. “Get Nick up here—now. I need an update on my husband.” 

“Certainly ma’am” Rita said scurrying downstairs. “She’s fine—she just wants to talk to Nick,” Rita said to June before going out the kitchen door, then up the stairs to Nick’s apartment. He was outside on his deck, smoking. 

“Madame wants to see you—she wants an update on her husband.”

Nick’s mouth almost curved up into a smile, but not quite. “Ok,” he said. 

“I’d like an update too, as a matter of fact. What the fuck is going on around here?” Rita asked. “I mean—only if you can tell me. If you can’t, I get it.” 

“Mr. Waterford crossed the line, and he’s paying the price. There will be less of him when he comes home—but he’ll be in the hospital for a day or two. They won’t coddle him. He needs a daily reminder not to put his hands on his wife again.” 

“Wow—no shit?” Rita said, trying not to smile. “I mean, wow, those Commanders don’t mess around, do they?” 

“Nope,” Nick said, stubbing out his cigarette. “How’s June? Is she still really dizzy and sick?” 

“She’s a little better today. She has to stay off her feet, but she’s been helping me in the kitchen all day, sitting down. She seems kind of moody and angry, but that’s her usual. She’s had a bad few days, and today didn’t help,” Rita said. 

“All right, let me go tell Mrs. Waterford when she can expect her husband home.” 

Nick and Rita went inside and saw June standing at the counter, measuring flour. “Hey—you need to sit down to do that! You sit and tell me what you need and I’ll bring it to you. I can’t leave you for a minute,” Rita scolded. June did her best to look contrite, but failed. 

“Glad you’re feeling better, June,” Nick said, smiling at June and walking through the kitchen and up the stairs. 

June sat back down, wanting more than anything to be upstairs, taking care of Serena. She was worried about Serena, terrified that something would happen and June wouldn’t be there to comfort her. She busied herself with making pie crust, adding the cinnamon and pepper to it from her grandmother's secret recipe. She mixed the ingredients for the pie filling, asking Rita to cook it on the stove, while she used a small knife to trace hearts in the pie crust, cutting out hearts and what she hoped looked like roses for the top of the pie. "Rita, when the filling is done, do me a favor and bring it over here, so I can arrange everything. I wish I had my cut-outs--these hearts and roses would look far better. I might’ve even been able to do birds, or cats or something." June gently put the filling into the pie, layering the cheese below the top crust, before decorating it with the finished pieces. “I hope it’s pretty enough,” June said with a rare smile. It had been ages since she'd been allowed to bake in the kitchen, and she realized how much she’d missed it.

Nick knocked on Serena's door, and she answered it, fully dressed, with the makings of a terrible bruise on her face. She’d already assessed the damage while she was waiting for Nick, and decided that no amount of make-up was going to help. “What do you mean he's coming back here? They didn't kill him?" Serena said, standing at the door, her hand clutching the door jamb. 

"I'm sorry Mrs. Waterford--I added charges, but he's a High Commander--well, he was. In addition to amputating his right arm they also demoted him. He'll need to be in the hospital for at least tonight, but he will be out tomorrow and he'll expect to be coming home. 

"Damn him to hell," Serena whispered, but loud enough for Nick to hear. She wasn't counting on this. She thought Nick had taken care of it, but there was only so much he could do. Fred was a powerful man. "Nick, I don't know if I can stay here with him, and I'm afraid for June. The way he attacked her this morning--it was very disturbing." 

"Well, he's harmless now, Mrs. Waterford, but you can be assured that there are a lot of Eyes on him--more than just mine. Commander Pryce is extremely displeased. He may send him to the front, which is not a place for a one-armed Commander." 

"So I have one night of peace and quiet, and then he's coming back. Damn it!" Serena was close to tears, but didn't want to cry in front of the driver. "Thanks Nick. I appreciate you coming over and updating me." Nick left and Serena reached for her pack of cigarettes and lit one. As the nicotine hit her system, she felt a tiny slice of calm wash over her. She was going to have to think of something fast.

June waited until the pie was baked, already starting a batch of ice cream from scratch, having Rita make the caramel syrup on the stove. She smiled in satisfaction when Rita put the bowl in the freezer to chill. 

"Must be a big occasion, if you are making all of this," Rita commented, eyebrows raised. June nodded, slicing up fruit for tomorrow's breakfast oatmeal, unwilling to have idle hands. 

"I want to thank her." June said truthfully. "She saved me. Twice over. That's not something to just ignore." When the pie was done, June stood slowly, ignoring Rita’s protests. "I'd like to take it upstairs and show off my handiwork. Please Rita? At least let me come with you?"

“Like I can stop you from doing anything you decide you have to do,” Rita said grumbling. “But this pie does smell good, and the Commander isn’t coming home tonight, so once Mrs. Waterford gets her piece, the rest is for us? I’m sure Nick would like some,” Rita said, getting a dig into June. 

“Of course—it’s been a traumatic day—for the whole household. This is my attempt at doing something nice for everyone. To Mrs. Waterford for putting herself in harm’s way for me, to Nick for getting her to the hospital, for you for taking such good care of me today. And Fred’s not home, so it’s a time to celebrate.” 

“Too true. Ok, let’s get a tray—you might as well put your dessert on there too—you can’t go up and down the stairs more than once, so if you come up stairs with me now, that’s it for the night.” 

“Thanks Rita. If you can take the tray, I promise I won’t pass out on the stairs or fall. I feel pretty good right now.” 

June followed Rita up the stairs after grabbing the bowl of ice cream from the freezer, hoping she’d impress Serena with her dessert-making skills. They got to the bedroom door, and June whispered, "Shit! I forgot the caramel!" She heard Rita chuckle, and saw her raised eyebrows. "Can you run back down stairs and get it?" 

Serena could hear June and Rita outside the bedroom door, but she didn’t have the energy to deal with either of them right now. She was mad, she was sad, she was annoyed, and most of all, she didn’t quite know what to do with the information that Fred was coming home. She’d been brooding about it since Nick told her. She thought for certain that Fred would get killed for what Nick had accused him of, but apparently, there were other Commanders that took their Handmaids to Jezebel’s, struck them when they were pregnant and beat the shit out of their wives for sport. They couldn’t set a precedent of killing Fred—because it would put them at risk too. 

And this whole situation with June…it…well, it wouldn’t do to stay under the same roof together now. Fred had a nose for this kinda shit, and he would figure it out right away. And then…well, she didn’t really want to take another punch, and she certainly didn’t want June and the baby to be hurt. All of this thinking was making her head hurt. She stubbed out the cigarette she’d been smoking and wondered what was taking Rita and June so long to come in. June finally knocked and came in, bearing what looked to be like a really yummy piece of apple pie, and …no..she didn’t…ice cream? A smile that she’d had no intention of sharing spilled out over her face, and she couldn’t help herself. She walked over to the other side of the room, made sure Rita wasn’t in the hallway, and put her arm around June and pulled her in for a delicious, sexy, thank you kiss. 

“You made me a pie,” she said, reluctantly releasing June. “Where did Rita go? You didn’t come up here by yourself, did you? Wow! It smells delicious and how did you figure out how to make ice cream in this foresakenplace?” 

June smiled, blushing at Serena’s praise. "Rita went down to get the caramel sauce I made for you. And I told you in the hospital that I knew how to make ice cream, and here is the proof. I knew you'd be sad, upset, and pissed off. And I figured you could use a treat." June kissed Serena again, taking her hands in her own, leading her to the bed. "Rita made the stew that you like, and there’s dessert and real coffee for you. After dinner, you’re getting a bath and a massage. You need to be spoiled tonight. She saw tears in Serena’s eyes and she brushed them away with her thumb. "Hey....shhh. I'm here." She jumped away when she heard the door handle turn and Rita returned with the caramel sauce, and the coffee for Serena. "You two eat. I'll be back in an hour or so." Rita said before leaving. June wondered if Rita had possibly heard something, but decided she hadn't. 

“Thank you, June. This is, very, very kind of you. I—I don’t know what to say. This looks amazing, and I am pretty hungry.” They sat together, eating Rita’s excellent stew, enjoying a few precious moments of almost normalcy before the harsh realities of Gilead came crashing down on them. Serena emptied the bowl and before she could even ask, June was putting together the special dessert she’d made just for her. The pie was already sliced, so she scooped ice cream on top and poured a generous amount of the sweet caramel sauce on top and handed the plate to her. Serena took one bite and her eyes rolled back--then she let out a loud, very sexy moan. June wasn’t sure what was happening—but she liked it. “That is the best thing I have put in my mouth in a very, very long time,” Serena said, forking up another mouthful. “I want to tell you how wonderful this is, but I think I need to eat some more of it just so I can find the right descriptors.” Serena enthusiastically ate dessert, and managed to get a drop of ice cream above her lip, which she didn’t seem to notice. She just went on eating, until it was finished. “Thank you so much—that was wonderful.” Serena leaned down to give June a thank you kiss, and was surprised when June’s tongue darted out of her mouth and licked the spot of ice cream above her lip. She blushed, realizing she’d eaten too fast.

"Anything for you,” June whispered. "I thought I’d lost you earlier. All I remembered seeing was you, lifeless on the ground. Then you weren't here. I...I worried I'd never get to tell you...I just..." June fell silent, leaving soft kisses on Serena’s lips, and cheeks, and gently deposited a kiss on her forehead. "I love you Serena." June whispered, her voice teary, and soft, gentle and full of warmth and kindness. "Whatever happens, I love you, and I swear on my life I will protect you, and get you out of Gilead safely. And you will be a mom to Hannah and to this little one inside me. If you want that. All I ask is that you please not break my heart."

"You're very sweet and generous, June. I am pretty much the last woman on earth who should ever share children with any woman, so your generosity is ...well, I don't deserve it. But if you are crazy enough to want to let me help you raise your kids, then who am I to argue with you? And I appreciate the thought, but I don't think you're in any shape to defend me--you shouldn't have to--he should not be coming back here--at all. What a shock--the Commanders protect each other no matter what. I should have known. At least he'll be minus an arm." Serena stopped talking, realizing she didn't have any solutions.

It was all well and good that June wanted to be romantic and rescue her, but Serena was far too pragmatic for her own good. She sipped her coffee which tasted really good after that delicious pie. She put the cup down and took June's hand in hers. "June, I can't promise I won't break your heart. You are such a good person and I...well, I think I was good once, but I lost my way. You deserve someone as good as you are. But..." she said, kissing the corner of June's mouth, "If you think I'm worth the trouble, I'll try my best not to be a bitch and hurt you. And I'll never break your heart on purpose, but I might be dumb and do it by accident. And we also need to remember that I have a fucking head injury and I'm not quite in my right mind, so we shouldn't make huge decisions tonight. Let's just bask in the memory of the yummy pie and ice cream--and caramel sauce--and enjoy our last night of peace before Fred comes back and probably kills us."

"I can live with that." June nodded, holding Serena close and stroking her hair, placing kisses along her forehead "You  _ are _ a good person. It’s Fred that brings out your bad. Fred and Gilead. Gilead brings out evil in all of us.” June held Serena for another few moments, then got up to run her a bath. "You're going to relax in the hot water. I'm going to wash your hair, then when you're done, I'm giving you a massage. And I hope you will have some relief from the pain. For tonight at least." 

June was very aware that Serena hadn’t told her she loved her too, but she knew she couldn't take it personally. Serena needed comfort and safety, not pressure to say something she might not feel--yet. "Ok Serena. Lean against me. I'm going to help you into the bathroom, into the tub. I hope it's the right temperature. Hey, are you ok?"

“Yes, I’m…my head just hurts again, that’s all. I had a lovely respite of a couple of hours and now it’s pounding again.” Serena let June help her get undressed. She was really tired which was probably due to the concussion, but the bath looked so inviting. And June promised a massage and she was quite good at that. Tonight was the last night of freedom anyway. Fred couldn’t hurt them right now. 

She slid her body into the warm water, and let go of her worries for a little while. She was safe, Fred was gone, and June and the baby were safe and right here with her. June had a washcloth and was bathing her, and she was allowing it. It felt nice, being cared for. June was being so careful with her—so gentle. They’d really done a 180 on their relationship. When she saw the way June looked at her, she felt kind of tingly and embarrassed. She was blatant in her adoration, and she wore her heart on her sleeve. Which was exactly why they had to get the fuck out of Gilead. She didn’t think she could contain June—now that she’d declared her love for her, there was no putting that genie back in the bottle. If she wasn’t careful, she was going to get them killed, and she would really rather be able to get out of Gilead and see where this relationship might go if they weren’t living under threat of death every 5 seconds. “This is really nice, June. Thank you for doing this. It’s just what I needed. We can stay here a while longer, can’t we?”

"Your wish, is my command, '' June said, depositing a few kisses on Serena’s neck before starting to massage her scalp, stroking her hair and rubbing all the shampoo in before gently rinsing out her hair. "I love you." She whispered in Serena's ear, before taking the hidden bottle of hair conditioner and squeezing a generous amount into her hands, running it through the golden locks. "Relax. It's ok. You're fine....shhh....shhh you're tensing up. Just relax. Focus on my voice. Shhhhh. '' June left the conditioner to soak in, before nuzzling Serena's cheek, then pulling away like she’d been hit by lightning when she heard Rita on the stairs. "Stay here!" June hissed, bolting from bathroom to bedroom with surprising speed. She wasn’t aware that the entire left side of her face was covered in conditioner, as she tried to look nonchalant, sipping her tea. "H...hi Rita." She said nervously, "could I maybe get another cup of this? It's really good"

“Um, yeah, sure—I suppose. Do you think Mrs. Waterford wants some? Where is she?” Rita asked. 

“She’s taking a bath.” 

“Oh.” The awkward silence grew between the two women. June decided now would be the worst time to start babbling like she does when she’s nervous. She decided to wait it out. “You have something on your face,” Rita said, swiping at it with her finger. “What is this?” she asked, bringing the gooey substance to her nose. “It smells really, really good. Like old fashioned beauty products—what is it, conditioner? Were you washing her fucking hair, June?” Rita whispered loudly. “Jesus, she makes you fuck her husband, she’s going to rip that baby out of your arms the minute it’s born, and now, she’s got you acting like you’re her ladies maid--like she’s a duchess or something. What the hell, June!” 

"She can't exactly do it on her own" June said softly, trying not to blush. "Come on Rita, you know I'm trying to be nice. She saved my life. The least I can do is help her out a bit." June hoped Rita was convinced. She had to do something to distract her and keep her from thinking too much about it. So she stood slowly, walked over to the dresser and picked up the tray. "She really took care of me when I was in the hospital. I could hardly do anything for myself. And I would do the same for you, if you needed me to. It's ok. I offered—she didn’t ask me.”

"Handmaids and Wives--too fucked up for words...just be careful June. I know you like to live on the edge, but it's Serena. On a good day, she's an angry water moccasin. but I'll leave you to it--I stay out of business that can get me killed for knowing about it. Now I'm taking this tray and going downstairs, and I'm not going to be coming back upstairs again. I will see you tomorrow morning, in the kitchen, at breakfast. Sweet dreams, June, and please don’t do anything that’s going to get all of us hung on the wall.”

"Thanks Rita." June said softly, returning to the bathroom and kneeling down next to the tub again. One look at Serena’s face told her she was in big trouble. "H..how much of that did you...h..h..h.ear?" she asked nervously. Serena was seething with rage--beyond the level of angry June had ever seen before.  _ Fuck. _


	15. Mrs. Waterford, I presume?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentine's Day :)

"Get out--right now. You're well enough to walk around and gossip with Rita, you can walk yourself upstairs and sleep in your own bed. I thought I could trust you, God damn it--you are so reckless! I am not swinging on the wall because you have a school-girl crush on me. I stupidly trusted you. I should have known better. The only person I can trust is myself. You are so full of shit, June. You want to take care of me, protect me, get me out of Gilead. You are fucking delusional! You can't even keep your fucking mouth shut!" 

Serena was angry--angrier that she could ever remember being--and her head was throbbing. She gripped the edges of the bathtub and tried to slow her breathing--she was about to have a panic attack and she didn't want to do that in front of June--it would just give her more power over her. "Get out--Now!" Serena said, her voice breaking and tears leaking out of her eyes.

June's eyes widened, her mouth opening and closing before she stumbled backwards, her vision blurred through tear-filled eyes. Each word Serena spoke cut her heart like a knife. "Y...yes Mrs. Waterford" June stammered, turning and leaving the bathroom, closing the door behind her, leaning on the door frame for a moment, before turning and walking weakly up the stairs.  _ Fuck. Why did I have to go and blow it? Delusional _ ... She supposed Serena was right. She probably was delusional. Serena didn’t love her, and she was insane to think that she ever could.  _ June, get your ass upstairs. You're fine. Just move. _ June slammed the door behind her, making a beeline for her closet and curling up in the furthest corner and pushing the door closed as far as she could. Only then did she allow herself to cry. She’d been wrong. Serena didn't love her. She knew at any moment, Serena would bolt up the stairs and attack her, like she’d done before. June shivered.  _ No. I’m safe as long as I’m pregnant. She won’t hurt me as long as I’m pregnant. She won’t let me lose this baby. _

Serena got out of the tub and dried herself off, ignoring her aching head. She wanted to smoke, she wanted to get drunk and she pretty much wanted to throttle June. What the hell was she thinking?  _ Oh fuck _ . Her head hurt too much to think about it. She walked into the bedroom, got a clean nightgown and slipped it over her head. She took down her emergency bottle of vodka and poured herself a shot, and downed it—then repeated the process again, while she smoked a cigarette. When she was done, she replaced the bottle in its hiding place, took 3 aspirin and crawled into bed.  _ Fuck, fuck, fuck. _ She thought nothing worse could happen today. But it did. Tomorrow was going to suck. Serena’s mind was churning. She was in a complete rage and powerless to do anything about it. She was far too angry to be anywhere near June. Maybe things would be better tomorrow. She might be inclined to apologize to June, but she hadn’t done anything wrong—it was June and her uncontrollable mouth that got them to this place. Maybe she shouldn’t have banished her upstairs to her own room. Serena was well aware of her temper, and she sent June away mostly so she wouldn’t get in harm’s way. With the level of fragility that June had been expressing these past few days, Serena was certain that she was more than a little upset.  _ Fuck. The baby. I’m supposed to keep her calm. That was my one job and I promised to do it. I can’t have the luxury of being horrible to her. I have to go clean this fucking mess up. She can’t lose that baby.  _

June heard footsteps and bolted upright, hoping she’d heard wrong. She cowered back in the closet, going as far back as she could. She was absolutely terrified. She pressed against the wall, bracing herself for a fight if she had to. She wouldn't let any harm come to the baby. She lowered her head, curling in on herself in an effort to shield her stomach from the blows she was sure would come. She heard rather than saw the door open, and started begging for mercy. "Please....don’t. I'm sorry. Please...Don't...don’t hurt me. Wait until the baby's born, then you can do whatever you like....just don't. Please...I’m sorry. I didn't mean to...please don't hurt me." June flinched away from Mrs. Waterford, although there was nowhere for her to run.

“I’m not here to hurt you, June,” Serena said quietly. “I wanted to see how you are. I … I lost my temper, and that was wrong, and…” Serena knelt down on the floor, giving June plenty of space, since it was clear she was terrified.  _ Aren’t I fucking charming, _ Serena thought, shaking her head disgustedly.  _ No wonder I’m with Fred Waterford. I fucking deserve him. Focus Serena--this isn’t the time to indulge in self-hatred. Help June for Christ’s sake.  _ “What can I do to help you right now? I know I frightened you and I’m very sorry. I’m not making an excuse for what I did, but I heard what you said to Rita. It’s clear she knows that we are fucking around with each other, and that scared the living shit out of me. So yes, I blew my top. And you know that about me, and yet, you claim you love me in spite of that fact. I mean, I’ve been better lately--I’ve tried--but I’m not a magician. I can’t snap my fingers and say ‘rage begone’. It’s going to take me a minute and I understand if you don’t have patience for that. I’m not sure I would, if I were in your shoes.” 

Serena was running out of things to say. She held out her hand, hoping she’d take the olive branch. “Come on June—you’re still recovering. You’ve been on your feet too much today, not to mention getting beaten by Fred. Let me help you up and get you into bed. It’s the least I can do. I will try to be better, June—I swear. But you’re being so transparent and obvious about your feelings. I know you can do better than that. You’re good at subterfuge—you majored in it at Handmaid School. Use your natural gifts and talents for lying and start covering your tracks and mine. It’s the only way we’ll survive this. All four of us. Hannah needs her mom back. Come on June—come to bed.”

June waited, searching for any sign of a trick, studying the other woman, closing her eyes briefly. It was their last night of peace and June had to ruin everything, "I'm sorry. Rita won't say anything. I know that doesn’t make it right. I know you don't trust me...let alone love me." June took a deep breath, willing herself to calm down. She kept her head lowered, moving sluggishly from her spot on the closet floor, her mad dash up the stairs left her weaker than she would admit to. She couldn’t let Mrs. Waterford know she was struggling. "I won't reveal anything that happened between us again. " She stumbled, but quickly righted herself."Thank you. For your mercy,” June whispered those well-rehearsed words that had been drilled into her at the Red Center. June was desperate for some sign she was partly forgiven. Serena couldn’t possibly be gone from her forever--could she? Would it be Mrs. Waterford from here on?

“Let me help you.” Serena put her arm around June’s waist and they walked slowly towards June’s bed. Once June was sitting on the edge, Serena went to the drawer and got a nightgown out for her. “May I help you get into this?” June nodded, and Serena helped June pull her dress over her head. She unhooked June’s bra, and slipped the nightgown over her head, and pulled it down over her body. She knelt down and took off her shoes and socks, folded everything and put it on the chair in June’s room. “Come on, get under the covers. You’re shivering.” Serena tucked June in and stood by the bed for a very long minute, deciding what to do. Finally, she shut the light off, closed the door, and crawled into bed next to June. “Would it be ok if I held you? This might be the last time for a while.”

June nodded, the words replaying in her head like a broken record from earlier. June closed her eyes, part of her wanting to turn and bury her face against the other woman, who seemed back to being Serena once again. She focused on the arms that wrapped around her, feeling the warmth of Serena’s body up against her. "I wanted to make tonight a romantic evening. I wanted to take care of you, and spoil you. I ruined it, and I’m very sorry for that." June whispered, "You don't...have to stay. But I'm glad you’re here." Everything felt wrong. June needed to know if they were ok. "So....are we done playing Hate the Handmaid?" June meant it as a joke, but her voice broke and she was suddenly crying, Serena’s arms tightening around her. "Fuck...I’m sorry."

“Oh June, sweetie, I don’t hate you. I couldn’t. Please don’t cry. And you did a lovely job of making me feel cared for and…and loved. I could taste how much love you poured into that dessert, and it made it more amazing than it already was. And the bath was really nice until—well, you were there—you know what happened. You didn’t ruin everything June—well, no more than I did. If we can forgive each other and just try to move forward, take care of this baby and get the hell out of Gilead—we can work out our issues later on—maybe get a live-in therapist or someone to referee?” She heard June’s sobs turn into giggles, and she knew she’d reached her somehow.

With the specter of Fred returning looming large in her mind, and knowing that this was probably their last night for a long time, Serena reached down and slowly lifted June’s nightgown, and rubbed her thigh, grazing the skin with her fingernails. She heard June gasp and turn towards her, pulling her into a deep, passionate kiss that sent electric sparks all through Serena’s body. Suddenly, June’s hands were everywhere all at once, and she was losing herself in a sea of desire and pleasure.  _ This must be what Nero felt like when he was playing his violin while Rome burned down. The world is ending so I might as well do what makes me happy. _ Serena surrendered herself to June’s passion, her body humming with pleasure.

"I love you, Serena. Don't ever...ever doubt me again." June placed loving, needy kisses down Serena’s chest and stomach, pulling her nightgown up to her hips, leaving a trail of kisses down Serena’s thighs, gently pushing her legs apart. She moaned softly, her lips kissing Serena’s curls, inhaling her scent. She grazed Serena’s clit with her tongue, while pushing two fingers inside her. What started out as soft and gentle caresses turned begging and frantic—June desperate to prove how true her love was. "Yessss Serena," June moaned, feeling her hips bucking beneath her .

Serena placed her hand over her mouth, frightened that she would be too loud and someone would hear. Fuck that was nice—to be wanted—to be desired. And it didn’t feel like a sin—no, what Fred did to both of them yesterday—now that was a sin. But this? Making love to another woman—that seemed very right. She wanted it to go on forever, but every moment they lay together increased their chances of being caught dramatically. Besides, she really couldn’t wait. Her hips rolled with June’s thrusts, and her tongue was like a torch—igniting and engulfing her in flames with every touch. She reached down to keep June’s head exactly in that spot, and that was all it took for Serena to freefall into her release, her mind drifting off to that place of perfect satisfaction. She pulled June’s body up and into her arms, reached down between her legs and found her thighs coated with her arousal, and her pussy completely drenched. “I’m sorry you hated doing that to me,” Serena said, pretending to be serious, and enjoying June’s laughter. “Get up on my face, so I can return the favor.” Serena wanted to taste her, and bring her pleasure with her tongue, but she couldn’t move her head around without causing herself great pain, so she thought having June on top of her mouth would be a better position. 

Clearly, she didn’t need to ask June twice. Normally, June took her sweet time doing anything or going anywhere, but she stripped off her nightgown and planted her thighs on either side of Serena’s head with lightning quickness. She hung onto the metal bed frame for support and suppressed a scream when she felt Serena’s tongue make first contact with her very hot, and very wet slit. It was all she could do not to grind down on her face, but she was trying to be careful of her concussion. June was so ready, it was over almost before it started. She grabbed a pillow and screamed into it, her legs shaking, as she came, hard and fast, then climbed off of Serena and slid down to kiss her, wanting to taste herself on her lover’s lips and lay in her arms. 

June buried her face in Serena’s long hair, still tingling from Serena’s delicious lovemaking. "You’re amazing....really. Serena are you ok? Did I hurt you?" She stroked her face, searching Serena’s eyes for any sign of pain. 

“No, I’m not really ok. But I will be,” she said, taking June’s hand and putting it between her legs, “as soon as you fuck me again. Then I’ll be perfect.” She watched June’s face turn from worried to delighted, and she let herself be loved once again. She knew tomorrow was going to suck—and the day after that—and the day after that—until they could get out of Gilead. Serena didn’t know when that would be, but she knew it needed to be very, very soon. Now that they’d crossed the line and were lovers, it would be harder and harder to keep it a secret and not slip in front of Rita, or Nick or god-forbid Fred. She felt June slip her fingers inside her and she melted, pleasure washing over her body. June took her time, bringing her close, then backing off, focusing everywhere but her clit. Serena allowed herself to just feel it and go wherever June wanted to take her. She knew she was in good hands. When June took her nipple in her mouth, the feelings magnified by 10, and she gripped June’s arm letting her know what she needed. June took her lips in a tender kiss and focused all her energy on making Serena feel really, really good. It only took a few more minutes before Serena released a sexy moan, and bucked her hips up and came apart in June’s arms. “Mmmmm...now I’m good,” she said, smiling, catching her breath.” 

June leaned forward, pulling Serena closer in her arms. "I love touching you--making you happy," she whispered, her voice felt like honey and velvet against Serena’s ear, her lips placing feather light kisses all over her lips, cheeks, and face. "Serena...we need to leave soon. I won't be able to travel if I'm too far along. I'll be strong enough if you can help me. We need to get Hannah and get the hell out of Gilead. Please. I love you. I'm not....not delusional. I know it's going to take work. But I will protect you." June whispered, "give me a chance?"

“I know—I think so too. We need to get out of here and fast. We have a lot of things to figure out, while we try not to get caught or killed. But the more immediate question is, would you like to stay here and move back into your room, or would you like to come back to my room and our original plan of me taking care of you there. It’s up to you—you’re still not 100%, and neither am I for that matter, but the stairs are an issue for you, and you clearly have to be watched like a hawk, so I’m inclined to suggest you come to my room. But if you don’t feel safe, or if you don’t think you can control what you say and how affectionate you are around me, maybe we shouldn’t stay in the same room. I…I just want to do what’s safe for all of us.” 

Serena looked at June’s face for a long moment, and she could tell she was looking for more reassurance. She took a deep breath, and said, “I’m in awe of how easily you can express your feelings, and I’m sorry that it takes me longer. But when I say the words I know that you want to hear, you’ll know I mean every word. So don’t give up on me. But…if you come back and stay in my room…no confiding in Rita or Nick without talking to me, no touching me or whispering endearments anywhere but the bedroom when the door is locked. If you can do that, and you still want to, you’re very welcome to come back to my room with me. And if you’re coming, we should probably move now so we don’t get surprised by anyone in the morning.”

June nodded, standing slowly, wincing as she moved, the pain in her lower back sudden, but fierce. "Yeah. Your room would be great. I don't....I...." She leaned on the doorway, feeling Serena’s arm around her waist. " Serena.....I’m fine. Just give me a few minutes...I...I’ll make it." She turned, wrapping her arms around Serena, pulling her close as they stood there. "I'm fine, I promise. I just...moved too quickly." The walk down the stairs was slow, and June stopped halfway, needing to sit on the step to rest. She leaned her head on the railing, closed her eyes, and vaguely heard Serena frantically calling her name. "Serena....just...a second."

"Put your head between your knees," Serena whispered urgently, gently pushing her head down so she wouldn't faint. She rubbed June's back and held her hand, praying to whatever god who cared to listen to please take care of June and watch out for the baby. After 10 long minutes, June slowly picked her head up and tried to stand. "Are you sure?" Serena grasped her firmly by the waist to help steady her. "One step at a time--and slowly.!" Finally they made it to the bedroom, and Serena sat June on the side of the bed and made her drink water before tucking her in. June was ready to pass out, she was so exhausted. Serena climbed into bed next to her and wrapped her up in her arms and fell asleep too, not caring about anything but having one more night together.

  
  



	16. A plan is hatched

June awoke the next morning, still warm and wrapped up in Serena’s arms. She was exhausted, nervous, and still weak. "Serena?" June whispered, then felt Serena gently stroking her hair, and kissing her head. She snuggled closer, looking up at Serena. "Love...wake up…”look!" June pointed to the window. "There's snow,'' June smiled, looking into Serena's still-closed eyes. 

“Shhh…if I wake up all the way then it’s already today, and last night is over…but if I keep my eyes shut, Fred’s still not coming home today.” June’s insistence that she open her eyes finally won her over and she looked into her lover’s beautiful, shining face. “Do you like snow that much that you need to wake me sooner than we need to be up?” Suddenly, Serena realized why June was excited— _ snow—to hide our tracks. _ Not that Serena was particularly interested in walking to Canada—no, that wasn’t going to work. They needed a better escape plan than that, but all the same, at least June was trying to come up with a plan, which is further than she’d gotten. She needed to speak with Nick. She hated to have to rely on him. But he did love June, and they needed to use that to their advantage. “Snow? That means we’re closer to the time when we need to escape, right?” She felt June’s lips kissing her check, her neck, her shoulders, and she had to fully wake up to gently ask her to stop. “Sweetie, you’re still not 100%, ok? Can you just, sleep, rest and nap today? That’s all I want you to do. And if you want to take a bath, that will probably be ok, but wait for me or Rita to help you, ok? I’m going to need to get up and get going. I have a few things I want to understand before Fred gets home, so I need to talk to Warren Putnam. He’ll tell me—Naomi will make him.”

June nodded. "If you want me to nap, then I will do just that. I need to get stronger so I’m ready to travel by next week.”

Serena bathed, got dressed and swallowed several aspirin, deciding to ignore her headache. When she went downstairs, Rita poured her a cup of coffee and brought it to her in the dining room, with a fresh muffin that she’d made that morning. “Are you feeling better today, ma’am?” she asked. 

“Yes, thank you. I’m going to need Nick to drive me to the Putnam’s this morning—could you please let him know?” Serena finished her breakfast and by the time Rita got back, she was ready to put her coat on and leave. 

“He’s ready for you ma’am.” 

“Thank you. Oh, and Offred needs to stay in bed all day. No getting up at all. She’s still getting dizzy and feeling faint, so I just want her to rest. She’s sleeping now, but if you could check on her in an hour or so, I’d appreciate it. She might be hungry, if she doesn’t have morning sickness.”

“Ma’am? Is the baby going to be alright?” Rita asked, her voice laced with concern.

“I certainly hope so, God-willing. We’re all praying for that miracle child to survive.” Serena smiled and walked out the door, her cloak flowing gracefully behind her as she walked down the stone steps. Nick opened the car door for her and in a few moments, they were off. “When is Fred coming back and how can we take the wind out of his sails, Nick? I’m afraid he’s going to hurt Offred or the baby. I can’t allow that.” 

“No ma’am. I can’t allow that either,” Nick said, his voice steely. Serena looked at Nick with renewed interest and decided to prod him a bit. 

“I know you care for June. It’s natural that you care for her. You created a child together. I’m sure you feel very protective of her--as do I.” Nick deliberately drove past the road to the Putnam’s, and Serena said nothing, waiting for his next move. He pulled into an abandoned warehouse area, parked the car, and turned to face Serena. 

“Look, ma’am, I know this is not my place, but if I don’t try to do something, I’ll never forgive myself. I want to get June and the baby out—and you too, if you want to. Commander Waterford won’t stop until that baby is dead—he knows it isn’t his. He…he can’t father a child. He doesn’t know that I know that. It’s in his records at my headquarters. He’s bitter and angry and he wants everyone to suffer—particularly you. He’s figured out what we all did. And now he’s lost his arm. He will be feral, and lay waste to everyone in his sight. I’m getting reassigned to the front, but I’m not leaving until June, the baby and you are safe. But you have to promise me you’ll take care of them for me. I’m making the arrangements.” 

“Nick, I’ve known you a long time. I know how much you care for June. But I need to know you really are on our side, and not Fred’s,” Serena said.  _ This is working out so much better than I ever hoped! I won’t even need Naomi and Warren’s help. _

“There is no love lost between me and the Commander. I had lost all respect for him, long before he beat you and June. I…I want to help you both, but you have to promise me that you’ll take care of them.” 

“What about Hannah, Nick? She won’t leave without Hannah,” Serena said. He looked at her with alarm, and then with understanding. 

“You’re friends with her, aren’t you? That…that’s nice. You both need a real friend you can depend on. I can get Hannah out as well, but she’ll have to join you all after. It’s too hard to coordinate at the same time—and it makes it more dangerous for all of you--particularly Hannah. You know how they are about letting kids out of Gilead. You’re both going to have to trust me.” 

“Why are you doing this Nick?”

“Because June is the mother of my child, and I won’t have my child raised in Gilead. If that’s the only  thing I can ever do for the baby, then there can be no denying that the child was loved by their father. I know June and I can never be together—she has a husband--maybe he’s dead, or maybe he’s waiting for her. But regardless, she deserves to be free and have both of her children with her. And I’m going to do that, and I need your help.” 

“I’ll...I’ll do it, Nick. I’m not going to stay here and have the shit beaten out of me while I wait for my ride to the colonies. I’m finished here, Nick. We have to move fast though,” Serena said, glad Nick couldn’t see the satisfied smile on her face. 

June was asleep under the covers, dreaming of a cabin in the woods. She could see Hannah and another little girl, playing in the trees. June was standing at the window, with Serena’s arms around her from behind, resting her head in the crook of Serena’s neck. "I love you June." Serena whispered to her, kissing her gently. 

"June....Hey June! Wake up! We need to talk to you." June groaned in annoyance. She was sleeping and in the middle of a very nice dream that was just getting good. 

“June—wake up, please,” Serena asked gently, aware the Nick was standing behind her. He probably already figured out that something was not quite right—he was sharp like that—but he was so crazy in love with June that he’d do anything just to spend a few minutes with her. June sat up and rubbed her eyes, trying to gather herself so she didn’t slip and say something stupid in front of Nick. 

“Nick has offered to help get you and the baby out of Gilead, but before he does anything, he wants to speak with you privately to make sure that it’s what you want and that you know what you’re risking. Since you’ll need help, and he knows that you and I are friends now, he’s agreed to get me out as well, so that I can take care of you both. So I’m going to go downstairs and have Rita make you lunch, and give you two some time to talk.” She nodded to Nick and left the room, closing the door behind her. 

Nick stood back, nervous to come any closer. “Are you feeling alright? I’ve been worried about you, June.” He slowly walked toward the bed a few steps. “May I sit?” he asked, pointing to the edge of the bed. June nodded her agreement, and he started to talk. “June, we don’t know each other very well, but we’ve created a child together. And I care for you. I’ve always cared for you. You know that. The minute I heard you were pregnant, I started planning your escape, and now with the complications with the Commander and his rabid temper, it needs to be escalated. And, because you’re ill, and you need someone to help you get out of here, I asked Serena to help you, and she agreed. She’s making a huge sacrifice for you, but she agrees that the baby should not grow up in this terrible place.” Nick took June’s hand and held it in his and she made no objection. She knew that they needed his help—badly—if anyone could get them out, he could. 

"What...what about Hannah? And.. Rita?" June asked, not wanting to leave anyone, least of all her daughter, behind.

“We have to focus on you and Serena and the baby first--you can't all go in a big group together,” Nick explained. “A wife and a handmaid are bad enough--and a child and it’s a recipe for disaster. You’ll all need disguises, which I’m working on. Once you are safe, I'll get Hannah, and Rita can take her out of Gilead and bring her to you.

She nodded, knowing Nick was the key—the one person besides Serena she’d trust to get her family to safety. She took a deep breath, trying to analyze the situation. "Nick. If you can get us to the border, Serena and I can get the rest of the way. You'll be arrested for war crimes if you take us across, and I can’t let that happen to you.” She laid her head on his shoulder, letting his strength surround her while a thousand memories washed over her at once. "We've got to run. If Fred sees her again, he'll kill her. I won’t let that..." she broke off, a frightening thought occurring to her. "Nick, how?"

Nick was trying to keep June calm. Serena had told him that she had to stay peaceful for the baby so she wouldn't miscarry, and he was very conscious of it. "June, slow down. Please. I know...I know. I'm working on all the logistics and I can't give you details because the less you know the less they can torture out of you. So just please, stay quiet, rest, and get better, because Serena cannot carry you the whole way--you will have to get out on your own two feet. And I'm working on keeping the Commander out of the house, but that's not going so well. He's not going to hurt Serena with one arm--he's actually in a lot of pain, and he's not being released today, but when he does come home, you'll both need to stay out of his way, and I'll make sure I'm much more of a presence in the house. He can't deny me--I'm an Eye."

June nodded. "I'll be ready whenever. I just…I need us to be free. Nick, what if Hannah thinks I abandoned her? What if she...oh my god. How do I tell her about Luke? "How do I tell her that her father is dead?"

"You're getting ahead of yourself. It's not going to do Hannah any good if Fred Waterford kills you. He knows he's not the father of your child and he's pissed. You just need to go. I promise I won't rest until Hannah is out too. And you can't tell her Luke is dead until you know for sure, and no one can be certain until his body is found. Anyway, forget about that for now. You can worry about what to tell Hannah when you see her, ok? Now, I'm going to go now, but I’m coming back to check on you. I know Mrs. Waterford is looking out for you, and I'm glad she's not being a bitch to you anymore--that must be a relief. I'll see you, June." Nick leaned over and kissed her cheek.

"Be safe Nick." June whispered softly, leaning against him for one final time. "Thank you. For getting us out of this fucking place." June wrapped her arms around his neck, hugging him goodbye. She felt a lump in her throat, and tried not to cry. "Could you ask Mrs. Waterford to come up here? I need to talk to her." June said softly.

After Nick left, Rita arrived with lunch and a pot of herbal tea. "You ok, boo boo?" Rita asked, trying to keep things light. She knew all about Nick and June's "thang", and while she was glad that they found a little bit of happiness around this awful place, she also knew how sad Nick looked and she was worried for him--and for June.

June took her mug of tea and sipped it. "I'll be fine. Nick and I were just talking. We had a difficult conversation." June longed to confide in Rita but knew it wouldn't be wise. She couldn't put the escape in jeopardy by telling the wrong person. "Thank you. Rita" June said. "You've been a good friend to me. I want you to know that."

Rita looked at June strangely and admonished her to eat all of her food. “And Mrs. Waterford is going to check on you as soon as she finishes with her orchids...something about them germinating.” June and Rita rolled their eyes in unison and laughed together, lifting the mood. Rita took her leave and just as June had finished her lunch, Serena came in, looking ridiculously hot, in June's humble opinion. She stared a minute too long and earned herself a glare.

"June, is that all you think of?" Secretly, Serena enjoyed the attention, and decided she was going to get herself a little bit more of it. She kicked off her shoes, sat in her comfortable wing chair and put her feet up on the bedside table, giving June an excellent look at her long, gorgeous legs covered in silk stockings. Just for a little added bonus, she let the hem of her skirt ride up above her knees. "You wanted to see me?"

"Nick...he’s getting us out!” June said, relief evident on her face. "We'll be free, and we’ll have Hannah with us! We will be together and free." Suddenly, a horrible thought crossed her mind and her mood dropped.

“What’s wrong?” Serena asked, puzzled by June’s mood swings, although after spending so much time with her, she should be used to it by now.

"Serena?" she asked quietly, " Is this real? For you? Or am I just a means to an end? Do you truly want to share a life with me? Or....is it about the baby I’m carrying?”

Serena saw the anguish and fear in June’s eyes. She got up from her chair, and sat beside June on the edge of the bed. She took June’s face in her hands, and kissed her lips softly and tenderly, wiping the tears that had started to roll down her cheeks. 

“It doesn’t matter what I tell you—if you have doubts about my feelings and my motives, nothing I can say or do is going to change that. You can either trust me or not trust me,” Serena said, watching June’s look change from fear to confusion. “Look, I just negotiated with Nick a deal to get all of us out of here. You, me, the baby Hannah--even Rita!. And I made him think that it was his idea to include me in the escape plan so I can take care of you. If that’s not me looking out for us and our future, I don’t know what else is. And I would still be doing this, even if you weren’t pregnant anymore.” Serena took a moment then continued. “June, you’re not trapped with me forever. if we get to Canada and you decide you were hallucinating with shock and grief and trauma and you only thought you’re in love with me, then that’s your choice. I can’t make you want to be with me. That’s up to you.So are you on board with our escape plan, or not? Because I’m not sure you are anymore.”

June was startled--that wasn't what she meant at all! "Serena. I am on board. Do you know why I am so damned terrified to lose you?” June stroked Serena's cheek, leaning forward to press a tender kiss to her cheek. "Because I'm so scared, and this is Gilead. Everything good, that might make anyone happy gets ripped away. I’m not going to leave you when we get free from here. I want to share my life with you. I want you to help me raise Hannah, and teach her to be strong and to stand up for herself and make herself be heard, and help her heal from everything Gilead has put her through. I want you to be there, holding my hand when this baby is born. I want to dance with you, make dinner in the kitchen, and make out with you in front of the fireplace. I want to have a life with you. Yes, I'm scared as fuck. This is a more than a little crazy--I know that, but I don’t care. I love you, Serena." June took a deep breath, then knelt down on the ground in front of her. "Serena Joy. I have to do this now, in case I don’t get another chance." June took Serena’s left hand in her own. "Serena....when we’re out of Gilead, will you marry me?" June asked, staring up at Serena, unable to read her face.

June looked so earnest, so sweet and so fucking in love. “June,” Serena said softly, her eyes clouded with tears. “You’re asking someone to marry you who has never told you that she loves you—which is not to say that she doesn’t love you—just that she’s not able to say it yet. Damn it you’ve got me so flustered I’m referring to myself in the third person!” Serena dashed away the hot tears that were flowing freely down her face.

“What you just said was beautiful. I felt every word that dropped from your lips. You actually brought me there to that place, where it’s just you and me and the kids, and we’re normal and we can do what we want and no one is going to kill us for being together. But I respect you too much to tell you what you want to hear, if it isn’t something I’m ready to say—yet. Please don’t make me give you an answer I’m not ready to give, because it will end up being the one that ends everything—before it even began.”

She took a few deep breaths and collected herself. “I have a question for you. If anyone proposed to you after just a few days of being intimate with each other, what do you think your answer would be? And what would your best girlfriend tell you right now if you told her everything that had been going on the last few days between us and that you wanted to propose? Tell me.”

June sighed, cracking a smile as the image of Moira, and the tirade of annoyance, general shock, and outrage she was sure to offer. "She'd tell me I'm being an idiot." June’s smile faded, as she looked up at Serena. "Which is what you are trying to tell me. Look. I'm sorry. I was out of line and impulsive, and maybe it’s pregnancy hormones, or just that I’m a big fucking idiot, proposing to Serena Joy. I'm sorry. I promise never to approach the topic again." June was angry--at herself. Of course Serena wasn’t going to say yes. She'd let herself get carried away again, trying to do something romantic, and failing, and now she felt like a complete idiot.  _ Keep it together, June. Serena obviously doesn’t share your feelings. You have to be careful of her if you want to actually get out of Gilead.  _ “I'm sorry for getting carried away. I won’t let it happen again." June stood, walked over to the other side of the room and sat down on the other chair, and pulled on on her boots.

“What are you doing June? You know you’re on bedrest, don’t you?” Serena said, frustrated. 

"I was putting my boots on because I thought....well, I don’t know. I just wanted to be in motion." June kicked the offending boots off her feet and got back into bed so she could rest, which was all she seemed to do anymore.

“And by the way, stop fucking playing with my emotions like that,” Serena said, angrily. “One minute you’re pledging me your heart and begging me not to break it, and a minute later, when I don’t fall all over myself with excitement, you tell me to forget it, you’re an idiot, you didn’t mean it. Which is it? And all of this is way beyond anything a girl recovering from shock and trying not to miscarry should be talking about with a girl with a head injury who’s trying not to hurl because her head hurts so much and here I am talking about myself in the third person again. Jesus, June. Calm the fuck down. Let’s get out of Gilead first, then decide if we want to get married. But maybe we could go on a couple of dates first? Maybe go out of town for a weekend? Live together first—buy some furniture—you know—normal couple shit.”

June flinched as if she’d been struck. Serena was right, but the harshness in her tone always scared the shit out of her. She looked up at Serena, and looked for some crumb of hope.  _ No June. Knock it off. This whole thing started with her trying to keep you calm. For the baby. That’s what she's after. She'll never love you. She'll say she does, eventually, but it'll all be about the baby. She wants to be a mother. For heaven’s sake, she started Gilead just because of that desire. Stop being an idiot! _ "Serena, you should lie down, if your head hurts that badly."

“Would you mind if I lay down in the bed with you? Or are you super angry with me because I didn't tell you that I was going to marry you and you’d prefer if I slept any place except next to you?" Serena waited for June's response before she tried to lift her head to move. 

"Stay here. It’s your bed and I'm not angry with you. I'm just going to poke my head out the door and shout for Rita. You look like you could use some ice for your head." June called out to Rita, and then laid down again. "Hey. We're ok. I'm not mad at you. Really. I’m mad at myself for scaring you away.”

“Thanks June—I’ll just lie here until Rita comes.” Serena wondered what in the fuck just happened here. What set June off? Was it actually having a plan to get out? Was she afraid Serena would leave her high and dry? Women were more emotional in relationships—that was certain. She could count on one hand the number of times Fred had worn his heart on his sleeve in front of her.  _ Maybe I was able to make her see that she’s going a tad overboard. I’m so busy trying not to hurt her because she’s being so over the top, I don’t even have time to actually figure what I feel for her. I mean, the sex is ridiculously good, and that’s no small thing. Chemistry is big. And she is wonderful to me and kind and sweet—but I’m kind of an asshole on a good day, and she is way more fragile than she used to be. Is she even strong enough to be with me? _

Rita knocked on the door and Serena told her to come in. She handed her the bag of ice, and put a glass of water and some aspirin on the table next to her.

“Would either of you like anything else? You look like you’re ready to pass out.”

“I think that’s exactly what’s about to happen,” Serena agreed. “Did Nick happen to mention that the Commander was staying in the hospital at least another night?”

“Yes, he did, and I confirmed it with him just a little while ago. It seems he had some complications with infection so he needs IV antibiotics.”

“Thank you, Rita.”

“I’ll come and check on you a little before dinner is ready—if that’s all right?” Rita asked. “

“That’s perfect. Thanks.” Serena took off her dress and pantyhose and slid under the covers. June had already pulled the shades, so the room was dark already. June helped her arrange the icepack so it was in the right spot and she finally relaxed and let out a sigh of relief. Serena closed her eyes and felt June take her hand and they both drifted off to sleep.


	17. Is the baby ok?

June awoke some hours later, feeling Serena’s grip on her hand tighten. June rubbed Serena’s hand with her thumb, trying, and failing to make herself see clearly and make sense of everything. Something clearly shifted in a big way the day of the Fenway hanging. The physical and mental torture that June had endured since she was thrown into Gilead had taken its toll on her psyche. She was so fucking terrified most of the time, and she had cast about for something--anything to calm her. And the most unlikely solution appeared. Serena. Serena calmed her down. Serena took care of her. Serena had strength that she didn’t. And Serena was capable of great kindness--on her terms, of course. 

June’s feelings for Serena shifted so fast and so significantly, that she was caught up in a swirl of emotions. She had forgotten how calculating and practical Serena was, and she certainly didn’t do anything that didn’t serve her own needs. And perhaps she hadn’t decided if having June in her life would be a good fit for her. June brought Serena’s hand to her lips, gently kissing her skin, then turned towards her to watch her sleep.  _ She’s right not to trust me--yet. But she will. And she will love me.  _

Serena was having a dream. A very sexy dream. In this dream, she and June were on a private beach, on some island somewhere, and June had on a bikini that was so hot, it made Serena’s mouth water. They were lying side by side in the sun. Serena was pretending to read some erudite book, but she was really watching June, who was lying on her stomach, showcasing her ass quite nicely. Serena never tired of wanting her. In the dream, they’d been together for a long time. Hannah and the baby were older, and were staying with family friends while they went on this second honeymoon of sorts. Apparently, they’d gotten married, and had just renewed their vows, and in the dream, the thought did not frighten Serena—it felt very good, if she were being honest. June rolled over, then sat up and asked Serena to put more sunscreen on her back. Serena got down on the blanket next to June and slowly and methodically coated her back with the thick cream that melted into her skin, leaving it shiny. She drew out the process so long that June caught her hand and kissed it saying, “If you want to keep touching me, you don’t have to pretend to put sunscreen on me for 20 minutes. Just touch me—I want you to.” Just as Serena was getting ready to untie June’s top, she felt a soft touch on her arm, stroking her with sureness and a hint of desire. She opened her eyes and found June looking at her, wanting, and she pulled her into her arms and kissed her with all the passion she felt for her in the dream. 

June’s head was swimming--she hadn’t expected Serena to wake up and just kiss her so...passionately. It wasn’t really like her--or maybe it was? June kissed her back, still feeling raw about her over-sharing and being afraid of scaring her away. She pulled away from Serena’s lips when she could, breaking the spell of whatever was going on. “I hope you got the rest you needed,” June said, getting up and pouring Serena a glass of water and handing her aspirin. “Can you sit up and take these?”

‘’Umm, sure,” Serena said, very confused and very turned on from her dream. She sat up and took the aspirin and handed the glass back to June. “Sorry for kissing you like that. I was having this dream about us and you were touching my arm and I thought it was still part of the dream--I woke up and I got confused. I won’t trespass on your feelings again.” Serena turned over and closed her eyes, knowing damned well she wasn’t going to go to sleep but hoping like hell she would. 

“It’s ok. We're fine Serena," June reassured her, even though she knew there was a wall between them. "I overstepped. I got caught up in the fantasy of what life could be and I forgot reality, and reality is Gilead."

_ Fuck it,  _ Serena thought.  _ I’m tired of her playing with my feelings.  _ “Good, I’m glad that’s all settled now. You don’t love me at all--it was all just a fantasy and hallucination. Which was what I thought, anyway. You’ve been very ill and you’ve been trapped in the same room with me and you got confused. So I think I’m going to get off this merry-go-round with you, and I’m not going to bother trying to figure out where I fit into this fantasy of yours. I’m just someone to replace your husband who might be dead. You don’t want a life with me--you just don’t want to be alone. I’ll still help Nick get you out, but I’m going to stay behind and meet my fate here in Gilead. I’m living on borrowed time anyway. Fortunately for me, the average shelf life of a wife in the colonies is about 5 minutes longer than an Aunt, so I’ll be dead before any of my teeth have a chance to fall out.” Serena got out of bed, got dressed quickly and stormed out of the bedroom, heels clacking against the hardwood floors. She was headed for the liquor cabinet, and planned on getting extremely drunk.

"Serena! Wait!" June was up in a flash, out the door and catching Serena’s arm moments before she walked down the stairs. She felt a pain slice across her stomach as she moved, but ignored it, dragging Serena back towards the bedroom with strength she didn’t know she possessed. "All I said was that I overstepped. I took things too far, too fast. I do love you, damn it. I am not leaving Gilead without you. Do not presume to tell me what I feel! I am not letting you walk away from me without giving me a chance to fucking prove how I feel about you! You are not going to the colonies--don’t even say it! And you are not a replacement for Luke. It's you that I love." With each word she said, her voice grew more shrill. "Don't ever think you don’t matter to me!"

Serena pulled June back inside her bedroom and closed the door. “Could you yell a little louder, please? I don’t think they heard you at the Red Center,” Serena said angrily. “This has to fucking stop, June. Your emotions are all over the place. It's either “I’m so sorry I overstepped Mrs. Waterford,” or “Oh my god, Serena I love you and I’ll never stop loving you and you’re mine.” Do you perhaps see how fucked up that sounds? I understand that in this story, I’m the villain and that’s all I will ever be. I’ll never be able to make up for all the atrocities that have happened to you since you’ve been in Gilead and specifically in this house--and I don’t even know where to start. The only thing I can do, and what I’d like to do, is to just move forward, one day at a time, one step at a time, and do better--be better--every day.” 

Serena looked at June’s face and saw devastation. She brought her over to the bed and they both sat on the edge. “And if you cannot let me talk about my feelings without having a really hyperbolic reaction, how are we ever going to have a relationship?” She stroked June’s face and brushed the hair out of her eyes. “I want to try to be with you, June—I can’t promise forever, and I don’t think you should either. What if evil Serena is all that I ever am, and I’m never kind to you? You don’t want that life, and I don’t want it for you either. But I can promise to try to be the person who deserves to be with you and your kids. And if that’s not enough, I understand. But I mean it sincerely when I say I have never wanted to try to be good at anything as much as I want to try to be good--for you.” 

June nodded, closing her eyes as she clutched Serena like a lifeline. “I promise I'm going to....try to not react so strongly. I'm just scared of losing you, scared to be alone, scared of making you mad. I'm just...hormonal and stressed and everything hurts so fucking much and you're the only thing keeping me from a fucking panic attack. Oh god…" June broke off, clutching Serena's sleeves like a lifeline. "Serena....owwwww," she grimaced, leaning forward.

“June, lie down please. Can you try to tell me where it hurts?” Serena tried to keep her face expressionless, as she held June’s hand, trying to keep her calm, trying to keep herself calm.

"The baby." June grimaced, her hand never leaving Serena’s, not letting her move away from her. Her heart was beating fast, instinct telling her something was very, very wrong. 

“Whatever it is, it’s ok, I promise. I’ll take care of you no matter what. Now we’re just going to wait a few minutes to see if this passes, and if it doesn’t we can figure out what we want to do.” Serena was not inclined to try to stop nature from taking its course. If June was miscarrying, then so be it. It was so early in the pregnancy, and June had been through so much during such a short period of time, that a miscarriage wouldn’t surprise Serena in the least. She’d been trying not to get too attached to the baby for that reason, but she didn’t want to tell June that.

Serena began rubbing soft circles below her stomach, trying to massage the pain away. She relaxed, feeling Serena's warmth, and the gentleness of her hand calming her. "Serena...it hurts. I'm sorry. I'm so...so sorry”. June sobbed, hoping and praying that she was wrong, that what she thought had just happened hadn't happened at all. She closed her eyes, sweat rolling down her brow and mixing with the tears that she cried. "Please....stay with me," she whispered, her voice small and weak. "Serena please....don’t leave me."

“I’m not leaving, June. I’m right here, I promise. It’s going to be ok. If you lose the baby, it’s ok. It just means it’s not strong enough to live—it’s been through too much. I swear to you, I don’t blame you, and I will not be angry. Sad, yes, Angry no. I’m just going to ask Rita to bring you some herbal tea and a hot water bottle, ok? I'll be right back.” 

Serena walked out of the bedroom and called down to Rita who appeared at the bottom of the steps. “June’s in trouble—can you bring some tea to calm her down and a hot water bottle as soon as you can?” 

“Is it the baby?” 

“Yes.” Serena went back to June and resumed her position beside her, holding her hand, stroking her stomach to calm it—and June—down. “You have got to calm down June. You can’t control any of this. It’s all in God’s hands. I just need you to be well again—that’s what’s important.” 

June looked at Serena, her expression lost and frightened. "I can't lose her, Serena. " she whispered. "I can't. I...I won't. I know....I’m not in control of this. And I'm ....I’m sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. You've done all you can for me. I'm just....I don’t know...what...what’s causing...this." She relaxed slightly at Serena’s touch, the fear gradually dissipating. "Serena, let go of me--Rita’s coming."

Serena stayed where she was, sitting close to her and still holding her hand. “Come in Rita,” she called and Rita put the tea tray down and brought the hot water bottle and handed it to June, who put it low on her stomach.

“Thank you, Rita. There’s nothing more we can do but pray,” Serena said. “Please—don’t tell anyone about this. As long as there is a chance, I want only positive thoughts for Offred and the baby.” Rita poured tea for June and placed it on the bedside table and left. 

June sat up to drink her tea. Sharp pains caused her to hiss and she handed her cup to Serena and rolled over onto her side away from her. She didn’t feel any blood yet, so that was a good sign. "Serena, could you massage my lower back and see if you can get the cramping to stop?" 

“Any excuse to feel my hands on you--I see what you’re up to." Serena sat next to June, leaned over and started to gently massage her lower back. June’s muscles were clenched with fear and stress, and Serena worked slowly and carefully, until she heard June’s breathing become even and steady. She took her hands away and heard no objections, so she gently got up, got herself a cup of the still warm tea, and resumed her seat, next to June. She knew she should be praying, but she really wanted only one thing—for June to be ok. That was the most important thing. She finished her tea and put the cup back on the tray, sat down in the chair next to the bed and closed her eyes to rest. There was nothing to do but wait until June felt better or felt a lot worse.

June slept for the rest of the day, waking up only when Serena coaxed her to eat a few bites of chicken soup. Her heart hurt more than anything, but when Serena helped her to the bathroom later on there was still no bleeding, which was hopeful. Serena laid beside June, and fell asleep resting her head between June’s shoulder blades. June wondered what would happen when they left Gilead. Would they make it to freedom? Would their relationship work? Would they buy a little house, like the one she dreamed of? June drifted back to sleep, comforted by the soft feeling of Serena’s breath on her neck.

She awoke again, and saw Rita kneeling in front of her, changing the hot water bottle. "Don't worry,” Rita said smiling. “I won't wake her. I just brought you a fresh water bottle and some ice water with mint--it’s a natural pain reliever." June nodded, smiling when she felt Serena strengthen her hold on her.

Rita turned, facing June. "Do you know...about the baby?" 

June shook her head. "No. Not yet. There wasn't any blood either time I checked, but I need to be pretty careful. It doesn’t look promising." June felt tears fill her eyes.

“It’s in God’s hands, sweetie. You don’t need to be afraid. You’re doing your best to keep your baby alive—you just need to trust that our prayers are being answered. And besides, I have a good feeling about this,” Rita said, leaving Serena and June alone together again.

“She’s right you know,” Serena said softly, kissing the back of June’s neck. “All that we can do is wait. Is there anything you need—can I get you anything?” June shook her head no, and clasped Serena’s arms closer to her. She drifted off to sleep, and slept soundly. At some point, Serena needed to get more aspirin so she got up and went into the bathroom. She took a look at her tired face and let the magnitude of what was happening wash over her. She knew in her heart that it would take a miracle for that baby to survive, and even if it did, there were no guarantees that it would be healthy. She’d waited so long for a child. She had been willing to do atrocious things to have one. And now that she saw the error of her thinking, and the true wrongs done to June and all the other Handmaids, she knew that she deserved everything she got. She’d never have a child—it was just something that this life was not going to give her. She had to let go of that dream and look at what was real and in front of her. June—fierce, protective, kind, moral, beautiful and yes, sexy June. She told her she loved her and meant it and showed her in every possible way. Was it so hard to accept that love and return it? Was her heart so closed and damaged that she couldn’t see it for the blessing that it was? To leave Fred and Gilead and all of that and just have a quiet, safe, sane little life with June and Hannah. Tears streamed down her face—tears of pain, tears of gratitude.  _ I just hope I can be someone who deserves all that love, and be able to give it back to June ten-fold. _

June woke, finding the bed empty beside her. She moved her sore body towards the bathroom, pausing to lean on the dresser, watching the sight before her. Serena was leaning on the sink, staring out the window with a soft, sad expression. She looked positively angelic, her hair down, wavy and golden, shining in the moon's light. June walked forward, wrapping her arms around Serena’s waist, kissing the space between her shoulders. "Are you upset that Rita saw us together? She doesn't care, Serena." June moved so she was sitting on the edge of the bathtub. "Tell me what's got your beautiful face looking so sad?”

“I’m not worried about Rita. She’s on our side. And I’m fine. Just brooding. I don’t want you to worry about me, June. I’ll do the worrying for both of us for the time being—when you’re stronger, you can take a turn being the worrier.“ Serena knew that answer was not going to placate June, but she changed the subject and helped June to the toilet—she still was not bleeding, which was good news. June brushed her teeth and splashed cold water on her face, then let Serena help her back to bed. Serena could tell how tired she was, even with that small amount of effort. Serena changed into her nightgown, and climbed into bed next to June, wrapping her arms around her as she’d grown accustomed to doing. She shouldn’t love touching June this much, but it was just so—comforting. Like they were the only two people in this world, and nothing could hurt them as long as they didn’t let go of each other. All of a sudden, she felt tears choking her throat and she released a long, ragged breath, trying to calm herself down. 

“Serena, what are you sad about? Or should I say, which thing is bothering you enough to cry over?” June said, turning to face her.

“I’m just emotional, I think. It’s…a lot. I have wanted a child for a long time, and I’m having to consider that the dream is over—and I’m ok with that—as long as I don’t lose you too. But still. I…I wanted to be a mother. And that’s not going to happen, so I’m just a little sad—but don’t worry about it, ok? I think it’s just normal in these highly abnormal circumstances.”

June held Serena close to her, stroking her hair, kissing her tears away. "You will be a mother." June said gently, looking into Serena’s tear-filled eyes. "If not to this baby, you will still be a mother to Hannah. She will love you. We will get out of Gilead, and then--well--good things come to those who wait." She held Serena in her arms, refraining, for Serena's sake, from making any grand declarations of love that were on the tip of her tongue.. "I haven’t bled yet. I think that’s good, but I’m not sure. I hope the baby is all right." June wrapped herself around Serena, sighing when she felt Serena pull her close. 

"You’re very sweet to say all of that. Now we have to go to sleep, ok? Between my head and your uterus, we both need our rest. Good night," Serena said, kissing June one last time before they fell asleep, completely wrapped up in each other’s arms, unaware of the tragedy the next day would bring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The plot is about to get a little crazy. Please have fun with the story and enjoy, and keep an open mind. The story is adapted from a role playing game, and as such, sometimes the plot can get a bit nuts. Enjoy friends xo


	18. The Commander's Reception

June awoke first, hearing the sound of frantic footsteps on the stairs. Rita flew into Serena’s bedroom, her face pale and frightened. "Commander's back. He's angry. He wants both of you in his study--now. Hurry." June shook Serena awake, pushing herself up out of the bed, groaning as Rita helped her into a dress and to put her hair up. June threw on her boots, while Serena dressed. Her heart was pounding, and the sound of Fred screaming was pounding in her ears. _What the hell did they give him that made him recover so quickly?_ “Serena...let's go." June whispered, already hell bent on protecting her should the need arise. And she supposed it might.

“I’m not going anywhere. He has zero right to come into this house and demand anything of either of us. He assaulted both of us. He gave me a head injury and nearly caused you to miscarry. If he wants us, he’s going to have to go through the three of us.” Serena went over to the fireplace and grabbed poker and held it like a weapon. “You two get behind me. I’ve got this.”

They heard Fred bellowing from downstairs, screaming, crashing glass and behaving like a maniac. Finally his feet thundered up the stairs and headed straight for Serena‘s bedroom. He burst through the door and saw his wife, his Handmaid, and his Martha standing up against him. None of them were cowering and they all looked ready for a fight. “You’ve come to the wrong house, Fred. We’re all done with your violence and your temper. You need to get out of this house and leave us the hell alone. You are not hurting June, or this baby, or Rita--and you are damn sure not going to hurt me again.”

June stepped in front of Serena, ignoring her plea to get behind her.

"One thing you need to understand,” June said, her voice menacing. “You do not touch my family." June jumped on him just as he raised his remaining hand to strike Serena, knocking him against the wall. Pent up rage and anger filled her as she stared into his eyes and kneed him in the balls, rendering him helpless long enough for Serena to find something to tie him up with. "Rita, go down to the study—there’s a handgun in the top right drawer. Bring it to me,” June ordered. “I have a plan."

Rita sped off down the stairs like the devil himself was chasing her. _That bitch is a badass, and she’s going to get us all hung up on the wall, but I don’t care—I need to see her blow his fucking brains out...condescending ass clown._ The gun was just where June said it was, on top of several nude pictures of the Handmaid that was assigned to the Waterfords before June. Rita’s vision went red. That was her friend—she killed herself and now she knew why. She wasn’t sure if she was going to let June kill the Commander or do it herself. She was leaning towards the latter, which would exonerate June and Serena—she thought those two little lovebirds deserved a minute of happiness. Her life was over. Her son was dead, she had no family left of her own, and she’d been in Gilead for too long. The baby—that was all that mattered. That and Fred Waterford dying—yes, those were the most important things.

She grabbed the gun and left the study, running into Nick who was tearing up the hallway. “Where’s June? Where’s the Commander?”

“The party’s upstairs and it’s just about to get interesting. June just knocked him down and she sent me to get this,” Rita said, pointing to the gun. “I’m debating as to whether I should let her shoot him like she wants to, or if I should do it.”

“Neither of you has to—we can make it look like he killed himself. Is Mrs. Waterford on board?”

“Oh yeah—she almost drilled him with the fireplace poker until little blondie hellcat let loose on him. I actually don’t think June needs this gun at all—she could tear him apart with her bare hands.” 

“Come on—let’s go before she gets herself and the baby hung on the wall.” Nick said, running up the stairs.

June took the gun from Rita, kicking Fred in the side. "I need him alive, Nick," she snarled, oblivious to his hand on her shoulder. “Nick, can you carry me down to the study? I can’t walk and still have the energy I need for what’s coming next. Serena and Rita, walk behind Fred, and keep the gun at the base of his neck. We’ve got a phone call to make."

This was a June that no one had ever seen before. Savage. Protective. Commanding. Ruthless. It was as though she’d stunned the others into submission, and they followed her orders without question. June wrapped her arms around Nick’s neck and he carried her down to Fred’s study bridal-style. She saw a look of pure admiration in both Rita and Serena’s faces, as they followed her orders and frog-marched Fred downstairs. They couldn’t tie both his hands together obviously, so they lashed his one hand to his body so he couldn’t move it. Rita had the gun trained on the base of his skull, and he had no doubt she would use it without hesitation. He tried to get Serena to help him, but she ignored him, walking quietly beside Rita. Nick sat June in the Commander’s swivel chair, and Rita shoved Fred onto the smaller chair beside the desk. Serena stood by, not quite sure where she should be, but she was glad she had a front row seat. She’d never seen this June and she was truly something to behold. Strong, brave, fearless. It was exciting to see her take charge. She had no reason to believe June’s plan, whatever it was, would work—but she was sure it would.

June pulled out the Commander’s address book, ignoring his protests. She reached back and found Serena’s hand, pulling her up to stand at her side and whispered in her ear. "Find the Mackenzies number. And please tell me you know of some sort of excuse we can use on the MacKenzies to let Hannah go with Nick in the car?”

“Whatever you bitches think you’re going to do, you are all out of your minds and there’s a spot on the wall for each of you...you too Nick!” Fred was furious and struggling with his bonds to get free.

Rita didn’t feel like listening to Fred talk, so she clocked him on the side of the head with the butt of the gun, knocking him out and slicing his skin, blood running down his face, his neck and all over his pristine white shirt. “Damn that felt good,” Rita said. June just looked at her and Rita shrugged. “Why should you have all the fun? I hate him too.” June considered what she’d said for a moment, shrugged her shoulders and agreed. 

Serena leaned down and whispered into June’s ear. “Tell Mrs. MacKenzie that Agnes has been requested as the future wife of one of the high Commander’s sons who is too young to marry yet, but wants to form the engagement now—they do that all the time. She’ll be delighted and honored that her daughter was chosen. She’ll agree to anything. It will increase her husband’s stature if their daughter is betrothed early. And no one will be suspicious.” June’s face lit up and her brain was clicking away, knowing what a good idea this was.

"Nick, make the call. Serena will tell you what to say.” June knew it would sound more official and plausible if a man made the request.

"Are you ok, June?" Rita asked.

"About to be even better. And so are you. Rita. You're coming with us. We are getting the fuck out of Dodge.” Rita swiveled the chair around and pulled June into a hug. "Hey...shh. It's ok, Rita. Serena, watch Fred. He's coming around. Don't let him move."

Nick picked up the phone, dialed it, and used the excuse that Serena came up with. With a professional, competent and clearly “in-charge” voice, Nick told the lie confidently, and at some point in the conversation, he gave June the thumbs up—clearly Mrs. MacKenzie had agreed to having Agnes picked up. He hung up the phone and saw Serena standing in front of Fred, the pointy heel of her shoe poised right on top of Fred’s crotch. One false move and he would be singing soprano in the Commander’s Choir. Fred was swearing, angry, and frustrated. “Serena, how can you go along with this shameless slut? I know you hate her—you never hid it a bit. You were jealous and horrible to her and punished her every chance you got. Now you’re on her side? What are you going to do—escape with her too?”

“Where she goes, I go,” Serena said simply, pushing the sharp heel of her shoe into Fred’s balls. He yelped in pain and she pushed her heel in harder. She was enjoying this. June told Nick and Rita to go pick up Hannah. She was too young to go off in a car with a strange man, so she knew a chaperone would be needed. And she wasn’t going to let Serena get implicated in any of this, so June had to keep her out of it. 

“What are we going to do with Fred?” Nick asked.

June stood slowly, grabbing onto Nick's arm for support. "We drag him outside and shoot him. Then we toss him in the back of the car then dump his ass in the Connecticut River. You’ll drive us as far as you can, and we’ll go the rest of the way on foot." She saw Serena looking a bit skeptical, and Rita looked elated--Fred however, just looked absolutely terrified. June laughed and said, “It’s going to work, Serena. I promise.”

Nick carried Fred to the back of the house, and when June tried to stand up and follow, she fell back down into the chair. Serena put her hand on her shoulder, and said “I’ve got you,” and got behind Fred’s office chair and wheeled June through the house, letting her save her strength. She brought her to the porch where Nick had left Fred at the bottom of the steps. His body could not be seen from the street, due to the high wall protecting the property, and thanks to Rita, who had thoughtfully clocked again with the handgun, he was unconscious. “June, let me do it—you’ve done enough,” Serena said. “I don’t want you to have to live with this on your conscience. I’ve already done terrible things--this will just be one more for the pile.”

June shook her head, standing slowly, wincing as she placed her hand on Serena's own, "No. We do it together." She positioned herself in front of Serena with her back to her, and Serena’s long arms reached around June and added her hands to the grip of the handgun. They squeezed the trigger together and shot three rounds into his head. Serena wanted to get as far away from Fred’s body as possible, so she wheeled June back into the living room and had her lie down on the couch while she packed for their journey. 

Before she did anything, she made June a sandwich and ordered her to eat every bite. She scrambled up to Nick’s apartment and raided his closet for dark pants, dark shirts, gloves and a couple of wool caps, along with two dark peacoats. Then she carried her spoils back to the house and dropped off with June, while she went into Fred’s closet to find something to fit her and Rita. She took two of his black overcoats, several sweaters and dark pants. She could cut the sleeves and shorten the hem of one of Fred’s sweaters and put that over Hannah’s clothing to hide her pink uniform. They needed to blend in, and look like nondescript, ordinary men. She pinned her hair up and put a cap over it, and dressed quickly in her disguise, then brought the rest down to where June was lying down. She helped June change into Nick’s clothes and she went to pack more provisions--matches, a hunting knife, canteens filled with water and food--just some bread, fruit, cheese, leftover chicken and chocolate bars that Rita had stashed for emergencies. It wasn’t much, but it was something. She grabbed two tightly rolled sleeping bags and packed everything into two backpacks that she and Rita could carry. The only thing Serena took from her room were cigarettes, a bottle of aspirin, and a wad of American currency that she’d saved for just such an emergency--and a few pieces of expensive jewelry. They’d need to bribe people, and she’d be ready for that. She brought no identification—she was just going to be a normal refugee for as long as possible. When she was finished, she went back to find June where she left her, drinking water and finishing her sandwich. They were ready to go and just needed Nick and Rita to come back—with Hannah.

June stood when she heard the door open, and breathed a sigh of relief when she saw it was only Nick. Her heart hammered nearly out of her chest when she thought of seeing her daughter again after so many years apart. Serena was beside her at once when she began to sway and lose her balance. "I’m fine--I’m just excited to see Hannah again." Nick immediately went to retrieve Fred’s body and stuffed him into the trunk of the car. Rita came inside and donned her disguise, then helped June out to the car while Serena carried the supplies. The presence of a small figure in the backseat stopped June’s heart and she began to cry. 

They all piled into the car, Rita in the front with Nick, and Serena, June and Hannah in the back seat. Serena’s heart caught in her throat as she saw the tender and emotional reunion between June and her daughter. June held Hannah close to her and both of them were sobbing but smiling through their tears. There were no words, and there wasn’t a dry eye in the car. She saw Rita wiping her eyes and they shared a look between them—they clearly both felt the same about this beautiful reunion. Even Nick was wiping his eyes and coughing, and Rita smacked him on the arm telling him to watch the road. They drove for a long time, as Nick was trying to get them as far away from Boston as possible. They crossed the border into New Hampshire, and drove for another couple of hours, stopping once for gas. Nick paid cash, and he’d ripped the GPS tracker out of the car before they’d left, so there would be no way to track them. Serena leaned up to the driver’s seat and asked him how far they were going to go. “As far as I can possibly get you—June can’t walk very far at all and you two can’t carry her and Hannah.”

“You’re right Nick—and you don’t have to dump the car with Fred—we can just toss him over the next bridge—that way you can drive the car most of the way back now that the tracker is gone. Otherwise it will take you days to walk back and it will be harder to explain. After everything you’ve done for us, I don’t want anything to happen to you,” Serena said.

“I wouldn’t care if it did—as long as June and her kids are safe.”

June fell asleep, waking up when the car stopped. She saw Nick toss Fred into the water, then got back into the car. “I can take you a little further--about a mile from the river that you have to cross--find the narrowest place to cross. Once you cross it, there’s a cave up and to the right. You can build a fire to dry off and rest in there--June will need it--and you can keep going in the morning. It’s only a few more miles after that." Nick drove them another couple of miles, then stopped the car and helped everyone out, making sure that Serena and Rita had the backpacks, and that everyone was dressed warmly. "Goodbye and Godspeed. I'll be in touch. Be safe,” Nick said, as he and June wrapped their arms around each other one last time. 

"Thank you. For everything,” June said, watching him drive away.

“Come on honey bunny—we’re going on a hike!” Rita said, taking Hannah’s hand and swinging it between them. Her other arm was wrapped around June’s waist, as was Serena’s, with June hanging onto Serena’s neck. She was not fine, she was not ok, but if Serena had to drag her by her feet, she would be free and out of Gilead as soon as they made it across the border. They just needed to make it to the cave that Nick talked about. She wondered vaguely if he’s helped other people escape—he knew the route too well. It didn’t matter—she was just grateful for his help—they owed him a great debt.

Serena didn’t want to think about the baby any longer. She really was trying to let all of that go. The odds of that baby surviving all of this trauma were miniscule—she had to focus on getting June and Hannah and Rita to safety. If she made it, it would be gravy, but all three of them deserved freedom more than she did. They’d made it past the first bridge and the river was in sight about ½ mile away. They kept off the road and walked through the leaves and snow-covered woods to keep their tracks hidden. When they finally made it to the river, they stopped, looking for the easiest way to cross it to get to the cave on the other side.

"Here." June said. " I can make it. You carry the bags, Serena. And Rita, you carry Hannah. "Her voice held that quiet authority she’d had earlier in the day. "We can cross over here,” she said, pointing to a natural dam formed by fallen trees, caught on some rocks. Come on. Come on!" She followed the others onto the logs, trying to run as fast as she could. She was half way across when she stepped on a spot where the wood had rotted, and she lost her footing when her foot broke through and fell into the water. Everyone else had already made it to the other side when they heard June scream for help, clinging to the broken log while the flowing river threatened to carry her away.

Serena tossed everything she was carrying to the ground and was about to walk back over the log to help June, when to her horror, she saw June lose her grip and get carried down the river. She ran alongside the river bank keeping her eyes trained on June and trying to run faster than the current. She yelled to June to try to grab onto something--anything. Finally, June managed to grab hold of a big rock about 15 yards from the bank, and she hoisted herself up out of the water as much as she could. Serena stripped off her coat and boots, and jumped into the water to get to June. Growing up by the ocean came in handy—Serena was a strong swimmer, and used to being in cold, unforgiving water. She could barely feel her hands, but she didn’t care. Finally, she got to June, and instructed her to take off her heavy coat. Then Serena wrapped her arm around June’s waist and swam back to the shore. They made slow but steady progress. Serena had to keep checking to make sure June’s head was above water.

Finally, she heard Rita yelling “Come on Serena—you got this! Come on!” and she got a burst of strength and they made it to the river bank. Rita helped June out of the water, and Serena scrambled up the bank quickly, and they each took an arm and dragged June back to the cave. Hannah was sitting in a corner, frightened to death when she saw them bring her mother inside. June was barely conscious and her lips were blue, and she was shaking uncontrollably. Rita quickly started a fire with wood that she’d manage to gather. Serena stripped off June’s wet clothing and wrapped her in Rita's dry overcoat bundled her into one of the sleeping bags as close to the fire as possible. They had to warm up June—and herself—so they didn’t get hypothermia.

"Is Mom ok?" Hannah asked, finally unable to stand the suspense, and ran over to where her mother was lying in the sleeping bag. June was still unconscious and Hannah curled up beside her, sobbing. "Mommy- Mommy wake up! Why isn't she waking up?" Hannah's voice was frantic, and filled with fear, but still, June didn’t move. June was breathing, but just barely. She could hear what was going on around her, but was too weak to respond. She heard Hannah screaming and crying, and Serena begging her to wake up. But she couldn’t move. Rita was holding Hannah, who was almost inconsolable. .

Serena knew that something had to be done to warm June up—fast—otherwise, she was going to die, right there, in that cave, with her daughter watching. Serena stripped off her wet clothes and laid them by the fire to dry, and Rita handed her a t-shirt to dry herself off with. Modesty was out the window—they were fighting for their lives, and had to do whatever they could to survive. She partially unzipped the sleeping bag that June was in, and crawled in next to her. She wrapped her arms around June, who was still wrapped in Fred’s overcoat, and pressed their bodies together. Body heat, via skin-to-skin contact, was the fastest way she knew of to thaw out a victim of hypothermia—at least that’s what she remembered from girl scouts. Serena held her close and buried her head in June’s hair, trying not to cry. She started whispering to June, terrified she’d never have the chance to tell her how she felt. “June, you have to come back to us. I can’t do this without you. I….I love you, all right. You impossible, amazing, beautiful, strong, loving woman. I love you and I need you. Apparently, almost losing you has taken all my fear of commitment away. I promise I will love you and treasure you and try not to be a bitch for the rest of my life. Please June—come back to me!” 


	19. Lovers and War Criminals

It was several long minutes before June was able to open her eyes. She kept them closed a little while longer, listening to Serena finally say those words she'd been longing to hear. Serena was never this...warm. Sweet. Gentle. June whimpered, feeling the life returning to her extremities, the pain almost more than she could bear. She felt Serena’s relief, and the kisses that she placed gently on her forehead and lips. "Serena. Did you mean it?” she asked, weakly lifting a hand to touch Serena’s face and look into her beautiful eyes. "Do you really love me?" she asked, hardly daring to believe it.

 _Of course, June heard every blasted word I said in a fit of anguish._ _There's nothing to do but admit the truth._ “Of course I meant it June. I told you that when I said it, I would mean it, and I do mean it. I love you. Now I need you to just keep resting—I know you’re not strong enough to go out yet We’re here for the night—of course it’s snowing because this escape doesn’t have enough complications. We’ll do this, June—we’re not that far from the border at all. If need be, I’ll drag you to Canada. I’m not leaving you. You’re going to be well and we’re going to be free and that’s the end of it,” Serena said firmly. What she didn’t ask and she wanted to ask was if June had any more cramping or if she thought she was bleeding, but that would wait. It really didn’t matter anyway. It was completely out of their hands. Serena switched hands and warmed up June’s other hand, blood flow returning to her fingers as each minute passed.

June smiled, holding onto Serena with a vice grip. "You actually....love me," she whispered, closing her eyes, sighing weakly, the pain in her fingers and toes seemingly like nothing. She leaned forward, in Serena’s arms. "Were going to have to have a conversation with Hannah about our new relationship status, " June said, closing her eyes happily. "I mean I'm sure she already knows, but still, it's a good idea. Oh my God, who knew melting hurt this badly? I almost feel bad for the wicked witch of the west.” June’s toes and fingers where really hurting the more they started to unthaw.

“I’m lying naked with you zipped up in a sleeping bag cocoon. I think the cat’s out of the bag. And besides, I don’t think she cares about anything but you getting better, so will you please stop trying talk?” Her pleas met deaf ears as June continued talking—some of it made sense, and a few things didn’t—she was still disoriented. Serena poked her head out of the sleeping bag and reached over for the canteen of water that Rita had placed there for them, and made June drink a couple of sips. Rita must have been a hell of a girl scout because the fire she lit was warming the whole cave up, and she’d found a rounded piece of bark and she filled it with snow and was holding it above the fire to melt it so they could replenish their water supply. She kept leaving the cave to gather more wood for the fire, find more tools they could use—she wondered vaguely if she was going to snare a rabbit with her bare hands and skin it with her teeth. She had no doubt that Rita was the best person to bring with them on their escape. She was a good friend, and extremely well prepared in a disaster.

June’s shivering had stopped for the most part, and she seemed a little better. It had grown dark already, and Rita had set Hannah up in the other sleeping bag with her to bunk down for the night. They’d be up at first light, to finish the rest of their journey. They didn’t have a lot of time—June didn’t have a lot of time. She needed medical attention and she needed it soon. Serena was exhausted—she couldn’t remember a more trying day in her life. She reached for one of the knapsacks and found the bottle of aspirin, and took a few with a sip of water. Then she handed June the canteen and made her drink again, then laid back down in the sleeping bag, wrapped June in her arms and fell asleep right away. 

June clung to Serena while she slept, the pain keeping her awake for most of the night. She wept, mostly silently, trying to take deep breaths, unable to calm down. "Serena?” Her legs were regaining feeling, and sharp jabs of pain shot up and down her legs and back. She felt like she might die from the pain. "Serena....please...." she whispered, turning when she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"June. What’s wrong?" She reached out, taking Rita’s hand. "I can’t wake Serena up—my legs are thawing. It hurts really bad.” The snow fell, the howling wind screaming as the storm increased outside. The snow was piling up in the entrance to the cave, and June knew they were not going to be able to leave for help tomorrow. "Rita, is there anything I could eat?" she asked. “And can you find my clothes? I'm going to have to get up and walk if I want to keep my legs.” She winced with pain and felt Serena start to wake up.

“Come on Captain badass,” Rita said, unzipping the sleeping bag and handing June her clothes—one item at a time—and helped her dress. The clothes were warm from being by the fire, which should have felt good on her skin, but made them feel tingly and she didn’t know if that was a good thing or bad thing. Serena had only managed a little sleep with June restless and in pain, and she was grateful for Rita’s help. “Ma’am, can I get you your clothes too?” Rita asked, looking away at Serena’s naked body.

“That would be great Rita, and you can just call me Serena from here on out—ok? I think we’re way past all of that ma’am and Mrs. Waterford stuff.” Serena took the pile of clothing that Rita handed her and quickly dressed. As soon as she had her boots on, she got up and looked outside at the snow falling, and the wind whipping through the trees. This was not going to fucking help, but maybe it was a blessing. June wasn’t ready to travel yet, anyway. She was grateful that Rita had gathered an impressive pile of wood and was keeping up with the snow melting process, all the while keeping Hannah entertained and letting the little girl help take care of everyone. Meanwhile, June was dressed now and Rita had made June a bit of chicken soup—which was just broth made from warm water and the bones of the chicken leg that Rita and Hannah had shared the night before. Serena declined food, but made sure she stayed hydrated, learning the melting trick quickly and pitching in to make sure they had drinkable water. _I can live awhile without food but not unless I’m hydrated._ _I’m the least valuable member of this escape party, and I really don’t care if I make it out of here alive—just as long as June, Hannah and Rita are ok._ She watched Rita prop June up as she tried to get circulation in her legs going. She saw June start to fall and was at her side in a flash, catching her before she fell. “Maybe the two of us can help you stay on your feet, ok?”

"Only if you eat something—none of this I’m not hungry business,” June said, ever the observant one. She wrapped her arms around Rita and Serena’s shoulders. Serena asked her if she wanted to stop, and June refused. “I need to keep going. I can’t stop. I need to walk until my legs won't let me walk anymore.” June was exhausted, but worried for Hannah, Serena and Rita. "Let me try a few steps on my own strength, ok?" June asked. Serena agreed, but only if June kept holding her hand. It was slow going at first, but June didn't give up, her strength and confidence increasing with each step. "There we go. There! Look at that. " she smiled triumphantly. After a few more laps around the cave, June tired of walking and was sitting up but stretching and flexing her leg muscles to keep the blood flowing and to keep them in motion. Serena was looking outside the mouth of the cave when Hannah walked over to her.

“Serena?” she said, looking up at the tall woman. Serena crouched down so she’d be at eye level with the little girl.

“Yes, Hannah—what is it?”

“Is my mommy going to be ok? Because I just got her back and I don’t want to lose her again.” Hannah’s lip quivered and her eyes filled with tears. Instinctively, Serena wrapped her arms around the little girl and pulled her into a hug, letting her cry as much as she wanted to, and whispering words of hope into her ear.

  
“Your mommy is the strongest woman I know, and she loves you more than any mommy loves any little girl on this planet. She’s doing everything she can to get better. See over there?” Serena pointed. “She’s getting ready to walk some more—that’s good! Because she’ll be ready to leave as soon as the snow stops.”

Hannah stopped crying and lifted her head to look at Serena closely. “You’re a Commander’s Wife. Why are you in love with my mommy?” Serena’s heart stopped for a moment, but she quickly recovered herself.

“Because your mommy is amazing, and we just kind of fell in love so we had to leave Gilead because they don't allow that--but we couldn’t go without you. So I’m not a Gilead Wife anymore—I’m just Serena.”

“Your name is pretty. I like it,” Hannah said squirming out of Serena’s embrace, and raced over to see how her mother was.

"I'm fine baby." June whispered to her daughter. I’m going to be just fine. How about we play a game? You run over there from that wall to the next, and get yourself warmed up. And I’m just going to hunt around for something to eat, and then…" she broke off, the pain making her dizzier than she could remember being in a long time. "Hannah, it’s ok. I'm fine. Just...just....fine. " June groaned.

"Serena! It’s mom!" Hannah shouted, even though Serena was barely six feet from her. "She...she’s hurt."

Rita’s eyes widened, and ran over to June’s side. “We need a doctor now. Something’s wrong. Hannah, your job is to keep putting more snow in the big pot. We need it to melt and get warm. Serena, get on the other side and help me lay her down. Her pulse is jumpy, but it’s strong. June, what are you feeling? What hurts?” Rita asked. June just groaned and held her stomach. “Is it the baby?” June nodded slightly. “Serena get the other sleeping bag and we’ll put it on top of her—we need to keep her warm in case she’s going into shock. “June, try to take a few deep breaths—you’re breathing too fast and too shallow and it’s going to make you feel light-headed.”

“She’s been like this since the day at Fenway Park. She’ll have a couple of good hours, and then she’s in pain, and she’s dizzy and she’s flitting in and out of consciousness,” Serena explained. “And she nearly frostbitten, which doesn’t help. She said she was like this when she was pregnant with Hannah, but it couldn’t have been like this—she wouldn’t have been able to function.”

“She needs medical attention. There isn’t a lot we can do,” Rita said softly so Hannah wouldn’t hear.

“I know that, but we aren’t out of Gilead yet—we have just a couple of miles to go until we hit Canada—they’ll be able to get her help, but right now, we can’t. Even if I went to try to cross the border to get help, they couldn’t cross into Gilead to come get June—that would be an act of war. We just have to wait it out, I’m afraid.” Serena picked up June’s hand and pressed a soft kiss on the back of it. She couldn’t do much but she could sit with her and let her know she was right there next to her.

June opened her eyes a bit later, feeling Serena holding her hand. She sighed quietly, turning and pushing herself to a sitting position. "The snow’s still falling. " she said, as if nothing had happened. She laughed when Hannah hugged her tightly, talking excitedly about how she was going to make a giant snowman. "How about we not do that. " June said, protesting when Serena made her lie back down. "That's not a good idea. We want to stay hidden, and such a fun looking snowman would make the soldiers come looking…" she fell silent, hearing dogs barking in the distance. "Hannah, sweetheart, be a very brave girl for mommy, ok?" Hannah's eyes filled with fear and she clung to her mother.

“It won't be like before? I don't have to go back?" Hannah asked, tears in her eyes.

June shook her head. "No. No, you don't have to go back. Rita, put that fire out. We need to be as far from the entrance as possible. Shh… Hannah. Trust me."

Rita scooped a pile of snow up that was waiting to be melted and dropped it on the fire, extinguishing it and plunging the cave into darkness. Using just a small flashlight Serena and Rita worked as a team to gather all of their “stuff”—food, sleeping bags, clothes, etc.—and they shoved everything into the farthest, darkest corner of the cave. Then they picked June up by the arms and half carried, half dragged her to the back of the cave, with Hannah hanging on to Rita’s pants so she wouldn’t get lost. The four of them hovered in the back, praying that whatever dogs or coyotes were out there would pass them by. “Is there any way the Eyes could have tracked us here?” Rita asked Serena.

“Anything is possible," Serena said. "Nick knew about this cave, so that means the Eyes know about it too. And they probably know Fred is missing. Nick can cover for us for a while—he has an unbelievable number of contacts who owe him favors. I know it’s hard not to be scared, but we’ve gotten this far—there’s no way they’re taking us back.”

Rita pulled out the handgun and crouched low. “I’m going to the mouth of the cave—if anyone tries to come in, or if the dogs try to attack, I’ll shoot them so they can’t harm us.”

“You brought Fred’s gun?” Serena asked, shocked and thrilled at the same time.

“Damn skippy I brought the gun. We needed protection,” Rita said simply, starting to move towards the entrance to the cave. 

“Rita, hide on the side, at least 10 feet away from the entrance—it will give you more time to react to whoever is coming. I wouldn’t be surprised if Nick sent help. He knows how ill June is.”

Rita army-crawled her way to the entrance of the cave, staying back as Serena suggested, but ready to spring to action at a moment’s notice.

June waited, hearing the dogs grow closer, her breath catching when she tried to calm down. She heard shushing, a voice calling "Woah!" and then footsteps. She felt Hannah clutching to her and Serena, and she slowly inched forward, shielding her daughter from whatever might be out there.

"Hey! Put down your weapons and come out of there! We mean you no harm. We're here to help!" June's heart leapt in her throat. She slowly leaned forward, straining her ears to hear the sound. _No. No it couldn't be._ She felt Hannah relax, but she wasn’t convinced yet.

"Rita, don't shoot." June hissed. She waited to hear if the stranger said anything else.

"Come on. Nick Blaine got a message to me. He said you'd be coming. June, Hannah, it's alright." As the light of a lantern filled the small cave, Hannah leapt over her and Serena, tackling the figure to the ground in excitement. "Moira!!!!!"

June felt Serena stiffen beside her. "Serena....its fine. She's my friend and she's here to help."

Moira picked up Hannah and spun her around, and looked to see where June was, huddled in the corner with a tall, blonde woman that she didn’t recognize. “Who are your friends, June?”

Rita stepped up to Moira and offered her hand. “I’m Rita, and if you can get us the hell out of here, I’d be much obliged.”

"Nice to meet you Rita, and that's why I'm here." Moira walked over to June sensing something coming off of the tall woman—protectiveness? possessiveness? She’d felt that vibe plenty when she’d trespassed on someone else’s girlfriend at the club, and she usually charmed her way out of it. “Hi—I’m Moira—best friend of June, godmother to Hannah, and former Gilead Handmaid, then Jezebel. And you are?”

“Serena.”

Moira waited for Serena to add more to her introduction, but was met with silence. “Yeah, um…ok…um, yeah we can get to know each other later, but let’s see what we can do about getting you all out of here.”

“June’s very ill. She can’t walk, she’s dehydrated, dizzy, nauseous. And pregnant,” Serena said, figuring full disclosure was probably best. “She needs medical attention, but obviously, not in Gilead—how far away from Canada are we?” Serena asked, trying to be polite, but she really did not like this woman and she didn’t know why.

“We’re just a couple of miles away. I work with refugee services, so I can smooth your entry into Canada pretty easily—but you’re right—June looks terrible and we need to get her some help. I’ve got a 4-wheel drive truck outside, so we can all pile into there," Moira said.

“But—you’re in Gilead—how do you just travel back and forth over the border without getting hauled back?” Rita asked.

“Because those mother-fuckers are never hauling me back anywhere. Come on—let’s go everybody.”

“Rita, come help me with June,” Serena asked, not wanting to be that close to Moira. Moira made the hair on the back of her neck stand up, and she didn’t trust her in the slightest.

“All righty—me and this little girl will just show you the way to the car—is there anything here that you need to bring with you?” Moira asked.

“Just the two knapsacks,” Rita said. She knew Serena, and she had likely stashed cash and valuables for their escape in the bags. “And I’m keeping this gun and this knife—you never know when weapons will be handy.” Moira gave her an appraising, appreciative look, picked up the knapsacks, then set off with Hannah to get to the truck.

June leaned against Serena and Rita, standing weakly, her legs shaking. She groaned as they walked up the small hill to the car, her eyes widening as she saw the three terrifying-looking Cane Corso dogs in the back of the truck. “Meet my very own protection team. The Gilead guards won’t come near these guys,” Moira said, her smile fading when she saw the condition June was in. "You look worse than you did with Hannah. June what the hell? Wait a minute…" Moira’s eyes turned to Serena, recognition on her face. "You're Waterford’s wife. I've seen you before."

June raised her head, "Moira. Let it go. Don’t start attacking what you don’t understand. A lot happened, and we'll discuss it once were on the way to the hospital, which we really need to get to, or I won’t be explaining anything to anyone anymore. Hannah, stay away from those dogs. They’re not pets." June shrugged off Moira’s hand, choosing instead to let Serena help her into the car, wanting Moira to see Serena wasn’t a threat. She could tell it wasn’t over between those two, though.

Moira and Rita sat in the front with Hannah on Rita’s lap while June laid in the back seat with her head on Serena’s lap. Moira had given Serena a cold, hard stare in the rear view mirror, which Serena returned in her inimitable manner. It actually scared Moira for a moment. “Fucking Wife,” she muttered too low for June to hear, but Serena’s bat-like hearing picked it up.

“Fucking bitch,” Serena spat, quietly, but the way Moira paused let her know she hit her target.

June clung to Serena’s arm, sobbing in pain and relief. “June, stay with me—ok, stay with me,” Serena said, stroking her forehead, and covering her with her coat for extra warmth. “You’re going to be fine, sweetheart—we’re going to get you to a hospital and they’ll take care of you. You don’t have to worry about a thing,” Serena said, looking up and catching Moira glaring at her. So she glared back.

“Uh oh—we’ve got trouble up ahead,” Moira said as they were coming up to a road block. They were still on Gilead soil, so this had the potential of getting ugly. Rita pulled her gun out and had it at the ready, and Moira looked at her for a moment. “Impressive,” she said, and Rita almost blushed.

“What’s the plan? June is running out of time,” Serena said.

“You stay with her no matter what—do not leave her for any fucking reason—do you understand me?” Moira ordered.

“That’s not a problem,” Serena said coolly. “I’m never going to leave her for any fucking reason—ever.”

Moira had no time to react to that statement as she drove up to the road block, and rolled her window down to speak to the guards.

“Where are you going ma’am?” the guard asked.

“My friend is ill and needs medical attention. You have to let us through,” Moira said, pressing a button that opened the liftgate to the car, releasing her dogs. The guards were surprised, and the dogs easily dropped both of them, while Rita walked over and stripped them of their weapons and phones. She brought them all back into the truck with her so they couldn’t get to them. Then Moira gave an order, and the dogs started ripping the guards apart, tearing flesh with their strong jaws and razor-sharp teeth. Hannah started screaming and she jumped over the front seat and cowered next to her mom and Serena. June opened her arms to her little girl and held her close to her, even though she was wracked with pain.

“Sweetheart, come sit next to me on this side, ok? Your mommy’s stomach hurts and she needs to rest,” Serena said quietly. Hannah scooted around June and cuddled up next to Serena, who placed a protective hand over her ear so she wouldn’t hear the violence going on outside.

“I’m sure they’re dead enough—let’s go. June needs help, remember?” Serena barked, no longer even trying to be civil. _Some fucking hero Moira is._ Moira called the dogs and they jumped back into the back of the truck, their muzzles dripping with blood and gore. “Hannah honey, go back up to the front seat with Rita, please,” Serena instructed, not wanting her anywhere near those bloody monsters.

"Get your damn dogs away from my daughter!" June managed, rising up in the seat, shooting Moira a glare. She fell back into Serena’s arms, exhausted as she closed her eyes again. "Serena," June whispered, her forehead drenched in sweat, every muscle tense. She knew she needed help, and soon. Moira was talking to her, but June didn't think she could handle any more of the chatter and high-fiving about how "badass" that had been. She felt sick, everything hurt and she swore she wanted to punch her friend. "Moira do us all a fucking favor and shut up,: June said. Serena couldn’t manage to stifle her laughter, and June smirked in response. The pain intensified, and she clung to Serena as they sped over a bump in the road, and she asked Serena to hold her.

Serena carefully and gently sat June up just a little, so she could lie against her chest and wrap both of her arms around her. She had learned over the past week that nothing calmed June and made her feel better than to be held by her, and she wasn’t going to deny her anything at this time. She bent her lips close to June’s ear, and started humming her favorite hymm—the one she’d asked for once before, and she saw June smile and close her eyes, as her body relaxed for the first time since they’d gotten into the car. She added the words to the tune, then bent down and kissed June’s lips softly and whispered “I love you June—please stay strong. I can’t—without you--I can’t.”

“All right folks, we’re at the border now. You’re all going to need to declare yourselves refugees in need of asylum because you fear for your lives if you should go back to Gilead,” Moira explained. Then she turned around, glared at Serena and said, "except for you, Mrs. Waterford. They’ll be taking you into custody. You’re a fucking war criminal, and you’ve kept my best friend as your husband’s sex slave. So take that and shove it up your tight ass.” Moira was furious, and out of control, and wasn’t expecting what happened next.

"No!" June yelped, cold fear filling her heart at Moira’s words. "She is not a war criminal! You can’t! Please! No!" June frantically cried, raising her head from Serena’s shoulder, tears rolling down her cheeks.

Out of nowhere, Moira heard Rita growl and she felt her jam a knife close up against her ribs. “You will not say one fucking word about Mrs. Waterford. Keep your ill-informed judgements to yourself, you fucking Handmaid-reject. Me, Serena, June and Hannah are all in danger if we ever go back—Serena more than any of us. She risked her life so many times to protect June—you have no fucking idea. She has a serious concussion and needs medical attention too, so if you could just be a good little refugee worker and make sure that everything runs smoothly that would be great. And, if you need your friend to chime in, I’m sure she has something to say to you, because you just threatened the woman she loves.”

June settled down a little when she heard Rita defend Serena, but she knew Moira likely wasn't listening. "Moira, don’t. Please! You can’t take her away from me!" June felt a sharp pain in her stomach, and she reached out and grabbed Serena’s hand. “Moira, she’s everything to me. I love her.” June winced as Moira slammed on the breaks and turned around to face her.

“June! You are fucking traumatized and close to death—you aren’t in your right mind. You can’t love her—she kept you prisoner! What the fuck?” an outraged Moira screamed.

Serena had had enough of all of this. “Listen up, alleged best friend of June. Your best friend needs the hospital NOW and she needs me to go with her—she does not need you screaming at her and ripping her life apart—her life that you know nothing about. Aren’t you the one that left her the fuck behind and escaped without her while she covered for your pathetic ass and had the skin ripped off the soles of her fit as her punishment? Didn't know that, did you?”

June tried to stop Serena, but Serena just looked down and said, “I’m taking care of you if it’s the last thing I do, June. You’re not saying a fucking word about me to anyone, Moira—Rita, you stay in this car with her, and make sure she doesn’t move or open her fat mouth. I’m taking care of June right now. Come on Hannah—we’re going to get Mommy some help.”

Serena opened the car door, gently slid June’s body out and carried her bridal style, with June clinging to her neck. She marched up to the nearest guard and said “We need asylum. Our lives are in danger in Gilead, and my girlfriend needs medical assistance—she’s pregnant and she’s in shock, possibly hypothermic, and she has a heart condition. This is her little girl who was kidnapped and taken away from her, and she has to stay with her. Can you help us please?” The guard radioed for an ambulance immediately, and he found a place for the three of them to sit and wait.

Serena sat with June still in her lap, clinging to her neck. “Please Serena—don’t leave me! I don’t care what Moira says—it’s not true. And I’ll make sure they won’t take you away from me," June promised.

Serena rocked June in her arms, and Hannah held on to her mom’s hand, and they both sang to June, this time “this little light of mine”. Serena looked over at Rita and Moira and Rita gave her the thumbs up and blew her a kiss. _I think I love Rita_ , she thought. _No, I know I love her_. The ambulance came, and rolled a stretcher out for June. They had to pry her hands away from Serena’s neck, and they let both Serena and Hannah ride with June, while a border agent, followed in his car to take Serena’s statement. _At least I’ll get ahead of Moira’s story._

While June was in the ambulance, they immediately gave her IV fluids and beta blockers because her heart was beating erratically. “She’s pregnant,” Serena told them as she filled them in on her medical history which she knew by heart. “Don’t try to save the fetus—she’s only in her second month—you need to save June. She has another child to take care of.” 

“Ok ma’am, thank you,” the attendant said. 10 long minutes passed and they reached the emergency room. They hustled June into the ER, and into a room, with a team of doctors waiting to work on her. Serena and Hannah had to wait while they examined her, but they stayed right outside the room. Hannah was so scared, Serena picked her up and held her and told her that her mom was going to be ok.


	20. Miracles and the Slap Heard Round the Hospital Ward

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to congratulate my co-writer SerenasRedemption for this juicy little plot twist that I didn't even know existed.

A doctor came out to the waiting room to give them an update on June. "Miss Hannah, could you run to the cafeteria and get you and your mommies some snacks? You’re going to be here for awhile, so you’ll need something to hold you over until dinner.” The doctor handed Hannah a ten-dollar bill and she smiled watching Hannah ran off towards the cafeteria. She took a seat next to Serena and said, “June is in pretty bad shape. She's is stable, but in critical condition. The baby is still alive, but June cannot carry it to full term. In addition to the afib, she has neurological damage that is making this pregnancy much harder than it would normally be—she really had it rough in Gilead, didn’t she?" She placed a hand on Serena’s own, offering a gesture of comfort.

"I have a solution that I think might work perfectly for you and your wife, and it will give the baby another chance. It will require a great sacrifice on your part. We have a procedure that allows us to transfer June’s baby to your uterus—it’s called Invocell. It’s an outpatient procedure, so we’d prep you for surgery, then transfer the baby from June’s uterus, to yours. Start to finish including prep would take about two hours, and you can be awake throughout the procedure—there’s no anesthesia needed. It’s really the only chance for the baby to survive. This pregnancy is killing June. But Serena, this is totally up to you. This is not Gilead, and we won’t force any procedures on you without your consent. I’d allow you to talk it over with June, but we cannot afford to wake her up. And not to rush your decision, but we’re pressed for time. If we don’t move immediately, we could lose both of them.”

“So if I do this, June’s going to make it?” Tears sprang to Serena’s eyes as relief washed over her. “I would get to carry the baby for her? Doctor, this pregnancy has been horrible for her—she’s been so ill. I…I didn’t think the baby would survive…I didn’t know if June would survive. We clearly couldn’t get help from anyone in Gilead about this—they don’t use modern medicine to save babies—and they don’t care about the women that carry them except…well, we don’t have time for a conversation about medical ethics. When can we do this?”

“I am prepping a procedure room for you right now. With the birthrate being what it is, I knew you wouldn’t want this baby to die without doing everything possible to save it,” the doctor explained.

“What are the risks to June for this procedure?” Serena asked.

“There is no risk to June’s health, or yours for that matter. Same sex couples use this technique to allow both mothers the chance to carry the child. One carries it for the early part of the pregnancy until the sperm and the egg fertilize, and then it is transferred to the other woman to carry it to term.”

“That’s…that’s amazing.”

“There is no guarantee this baby will survive, though,” the doctor explained. “It’s been through a lot from what you’ve told me. But the baby seems like a fighter to me, and I want to give it a chance.”

“Legally though—this is June’s child—correct? I mean, she conceived it. Since I can’t discuss it with her in advance, I don’t want to make a decision that will—upset her,” Serena said nervously. _June's always wondering if I love the baby more than her—I don’t’ want her to think that—but I also don’t want to lose our child_.

“From the hospital’s perspective, you two need to work out ownership and custody with your lawyers. We don’t get involved with that aspect. I just assumed you two were married.”

“Engaged,” Serena said without thinking. “We are getting married as soon as we can, and we talked about raising this baby and Hannah together as two moms. Oh my gosh—what about Hannah? I can’t leave her alone while I have the procedure.”

“Not a problem—I can have my assistant keep an eye on her. She has 3 kids of her own, so she’s a pro.”

“Ok, Doctor let’s do this,” Serena said as Hannah rounded the corner with her hands full of candy bars. Serena quickly captured the haul from her and told her to pick one for now. “I’ll put the rest of these somewhere safe, for later, so mommy can have some when she wakes up, ok?” Serena said, already getting a taste of being a mom.

“Let’s go see if my friend Andrea has time to play a game with you,” the doctor said, and Serena and Hannah followed her down the hall, hand-in-hand.

“Is mommy going to be ok, Serena?”

“Yes, sweetheart, she is,” Serena explained. “And we’re going to try to save the baby too. Mommy’s too sick to carry it in her tummy anymore, so I’m going to do it for her. I think she would like that, but I can’t ask her. She has to stay asleep so she can get better faster.”

“Yay! I’m going to have a little brother or a sister! And you’ll both be their mommy because you both carried them in your tummies! Serena, will you be my mommy too? Then we’ll both have the same mommies.”

Serena bent down and picked up the little girl and held her close, tears freely flowing down her face. “It would be the greatest joy of my life to be your mom, sweetheart.” _How is this child so angelic and so sweet? She always knows the right thing to say to make someone feel better,_ Serena thought.

A kind-looking, middle-aged woman greeted them at the doctor’s office. “Hi sweet girl! Are you going to come play a game with me? My name is Andrea."

"I'm Hannah--can I Serena?"

“Yes, you may. And I’m going to be in a room down the hall having the baby put in my tummy, ok? I’ll be done before you know it.” Addressing Andrea privately, she said, “Please don’t let anyone other than me pick her up from you. The immigration agent granted the three of us asylum, and he’s bringing the paperwork over later. There may be some friends of June’s that come and try to take Hannah with them, but she cannot, under any circumstances, be separated from her mother—or me.”

“Miss Joy, we won’t even tell anyone that Hannah or June are here. You three are pretty much in our version of immigrant witness protection program,” Andrea said. “I’ll watch her like a hawk and bring her to you as soon as you are up and about.”

Serena thanked Andrea, and walked down the hall with the doctor to the procedure room. Serena got undressed and slid the hospital gown on, then got on the table. The only fear Serena had was June’s reaction. She didn’t know if she’d be angry with her, or think she was a baby napper. _I’m doing this to save our baby. Period. If the roles were reversed, she would do it without question for me._

The procedure to implant the embryo from June’s uterus to her own was relatively quick, but she had to lay still for an hour afterwards. As soon as the doctor gave her the go ahead to get dressed, Serena got off the table, and immediately felt dizzy and stumbled. That necessitated some tests which confirmed what she already knew—she still had a concussion. As soon as they were done looking at her brain, she went to retrieve Hannah from the doctor’s assistant, and brought her to the cafeteria so she could have an actual meal. She was pretty sure Hannah hadn’t eaten anything other than a candy bar since they arrived in Canada, and she knew she hadn’t had anything to eat since they left Gilead—and a lot had happened since then. Hannah wanted a cheeseburger and French fries, and that sounded pretty good to Serena, so she had the same thing. They finished their meal, then went to check on June. June’s nurse offered to let Hannah go play with the kids on the pediatric ward, while she sat with June, and Hannah was all for it. _The poor thing’s been starved for normal company with kids for half of her life,_ Serena thought sadly.

June still looked very pale, and her face looked stressed with pain. Serena sat and watched her, nervous about how she was going to react when she found out she was now carrying her baby. She was also ridiculously excited about this whole miracle happening inside her body, but she was trying to keep her emotions guarded. The last thing she wanted to do was to feed that fear of June’s that Serena only wanted the baby—not her. She vaguely craved a cigarette, but that was definitely out – for the next 7 months or so. _A small price to pay,_ she thought.

When June finally woke up, she instantly knew something felt off. Wrong. Different. Her stomach hurt, but it wasn’t the same pain she’d had for the last week or so. No. This was decidedly different. June whimpered, panicking when she realized that the baby was gone. June began to sob, long, broken whimpers that sent the machine monitoring her heart rate frantically beeping. She didn't notice Serena was beside her until she heard movement from the side of the bed, and felt the familiar hand on her own. “June, it’s me, and you’re ok. Don’t cry please. You’re fine, and the baby is fine. And yes, Hannah is fine and I’m fine.”

"I'm sorry Serena....the baby…she’s gone…” June sobbed, until she was silenced by Serena’s lips on hers. Once she had June’s attention, she explained what happened.

“The baby is fine, but you’re right—you’re not carrying it anymore. The doctor asked me if I would be willing to carry the baby for you because you were too sick to continue the pregnancy. So of course I said yes. I knew how much you wanted this baby, and well, it’s a part of you and I couldn’t see letting the child die if there was something I could do to help. They wouldn’t let me wake you up to ask you, and in my mind, there really wasn’t much of a choice. But I swear, June—this is your child, and we can sign any legal agreements you want to that effect. We’re not in Gilead any more, and I don’t have any rights to this child. But, if…well, if you still love me and you still want to be with me, I would love to be a mom to this baby and to Hannah too. If…if it’s ok with you.” Serena’s eyes welled up with tears, fearful that her greatest dream would come crashing down with one word from June. She smiled bravely and leaned down to kiss June. “So, what do you say? Do you want to have a baby together?”

June sat up, ignoring Serena’s protests. "So, let me clarify. You're carrying my baby?" June’s face lit up with a smile, and she reached out and placing a hand on Serena’s lower belly. “I'm not mad, Serena. I’m grateful that you’re doing this.” June guided Serena’s chin so she was facing her and could look into her eyes. “And this baby is ours. You have as much right to her as I do, because you’re carrying her. You’ll be this baby’s mother with me, and you’ll raise Hannah with me. You own my heart. I’m so in love with you that I never want us to end." June placed a soft kiss on Serena’s lips. "I get to take care of you now, for a change, and boy oh boy, am I going to spoil you.”

Serena was so relieved that June was not angry with her, and that she wanted to raise this baby together, she barely registered that someone had come to June’s room. “What the fuck are you doing here, Wife?” Moira spat.

“So nice to see you again, Moira. I see you’re as charming as ever,” Serena said. June was spitting mad, but Serena touched her arm, and whispered, “don’t bother getting upset at her—she’s not worth it.”

“Why don’t you go capture another sex-slave—clearly this one is off the market now,” Moira said, horrifying both June and Serena.

Serena walked right up to Moira and towered over her, and gave her the coldest, meanest, Serena Waterford look she could muster. “Listen closely, because I’m saying this once. You don’t know one fucking thing about me. Not one thing. But what I do want you to know is that I’m not fucking leaving June. Ok? I’m here to stay, so you need to come to terms with that. And, June almost died, and you scared the shit out of Hannah, so do us all a favor and calm the fuck down and just be a good friend and sit and listen to her—she’s been through a lot and could probably use a friend—and she’s missed you.” Serena walked back to June’s bedside, and captured her lips in a deep, sensuous kiss--because she wanted to-- but if it pissed Moira off, all the better. “I’m going to check on Hannah. I’ll come back in about 20 minutes. Try to play nice you two. And Moira? If you upset June, I will stomp you to death with the nearest pair of blue heels I can find.”

Serena strode out of the room, leaving Moira seething with anger, and June was not far behind her. “June, what the fuck? Are you banging Mrs. Waterford? You’re kidding me, right? What does she have? Some magical pussy that does tricks and has completely mesmerized you into thinking you’re a lesbian? Because you’re not—and neither is she. It’s like Stockholm syndrome—falling for your captor. You just need some therapy and she needs to get fucking arrested and spend the rest of her life in jail for what she did to you. Come on June—you’re out of your mind if you think she loves you!”

"Shut. The fuck. Up!” June yelled. Moira physically backed up holding up her hand to get June to stop. "Shut your mouth, before I shut the damn thing for you," June hissed, her voice venomous as a rattlesnake. "So far—just in one day—you have managed to scar my daughter for life, threatened my girlfriend, insulted me, and nearly caused me to have a panic attack when I was half dead in the car—which by the way, my girlfriend prevented, because she calms me down and takes care of me." June took a deep breath, slapping Moira’s hand away. "No. You don't have permission to touch me. Get the fuck back."

"She's a monster, June,” Moira said, trying to reason with her. “She raped you. She kept you hostage."

"No, Moira. Fred is responsible for raping me, and she had to participate. The penalty for non-participation was death under the laws of Gilead. The whole household participated—Rita too! Do you think she's a monster?" June smirked when Moira visibly recoiled. "No? Didn't think so! Serena is mine, and I am in love with her."

June flinched back as Moira got right in her face. "You need to see what’s happening because you are blind, sister! That bitch is using you! She used you to get to freedom. She's using Hannah, and she'll use whatever rape baby you're carrying now!"

The slap echoed through the resulting silence and Moira’s eyes went wide with shock. June had never hit her before. "That 'bitch' put herself in front of Fred Waterford’s fist for me. Ask Rita. Oh, and while you are talking to her, why don’t you ask her about how that 'bitch' jumped into a roaring, icy river after me, and carried me nearly a half mile up hill in the snow, in the freezing cold, when she was soaking wet and wrapped me up in her dry coat? Want to know what brought me back when I was dying? Huh? It wasn't you. It was Serena’s warmth against me, her voice begging me to be ok, to survive. To come home to her. And if you ever refer to my child as a rape baby again, I will never—ever speak to you, and you’ll never see Hannah again."

"She kept you hostage—away from your daughter and husband!" Moira growled. "You're insane, June! Absolutely insane!”

"Get out." June snarled, rising shakily from the bed, standing before Moira at eye level. "All you've done since you showed up is be a complete and total controlling asshole. You don’t own me, Moira. You don’t tell me what to do, who to love, where to sleep. If you’re truly my friend, you will respect my choices, and you will respect my girlfriend.” June stumbled, and Moira grabbed her arm, only to be shoved away forcefully. "Get the fuck away from me. I’ve made my choice, and it’s Serena. Now get the fuck out of here until you learn that you are not my fucking girlfriend and never will be!” June watched as Moira bolted from the room, and leaned heavily on the bed’s guardrail, trying to catch her breath and calm her racing heart.

Serena had gone to check on Hannah, and found her perfectly content playing with her new friends and asking if she could stay a little longer, so of course Serena agreed. Serena wandered back to June’s room, half-hoping to listen in on the fireworks. She heard raised voices, and just as she was coming up to the door, she heard "Get the FUCK OUT OF HERE UNTIL YOU LEARN THAT YOU ARE NOT MY FUCKING GIRLFRIEND AND NEVER WILL BE!" Moira tore out of June’s room and almost slammed into Serena.

“Bitch, get the fuck outta my way!” Moira growled, while Serena smirked at the furious short woman.

“Aww…did you have a fight with your girl crush? I’m so sorry—that must suck for you.” Moira drew her arm back like she was going to punch Serena, when a little voice yelled from behind and ran and grabbed hold of Serena’s legs to shield her.

“Auntie! Don’t hurt Serena! I love her! She’s good to me and she’s good to Mommy and she lays down naked with her so I think they’re married,” Hannah said.

Serena leaned down and picked up Hannah and placed a big kiss on her cheek. “Don’t worry sweetheart. Auntie Moira won’t hurt me—not if she ever wants to be in you and your mommy’s lives.”

Moira looked positively stricken. “Baby girl, she isn’t who you think she is. You need to understand that she’s a very bad person,” Moira stuttered, not believing that everyone in this looney bin was on Team Serena.

“No, you’re the bad person, Auntie!! You had your dogs kill those men right in front of us! And you made mommy upset when she was so sick. And you’re really mean to Serena. I don’t like you anymore,” Hannah said, hiding her face in Serena’s neck.

“You heard her—get out. And don’t come back here again—period. It’s clear you’re not going to change your mind about me, so just move on with your life and we’ll move on with ours,” Serena said, walking past Moira and bumping into her so hard she crashed into the wall. “Oops. My bad.”

Serena and Hannah walked into the room and closed the door, and found June lying on her side, crying. Serena walked over to her bed, and set Hannah down on the side of it. “Mommy, don’t cry—we love you,” the little girl said, gently hugging her mom because she didn’t want to hurt her. “I didn’t let Auntie Moira hit Serena—I protected her.” Hannah looked up at Serena with a look of admiration.

“She sure did, June. She was so brave! If she hadn’t gotten between me and Moira’s fist, I would be missing a tooth or two.”

June gave a weak laugh, sitting up and wrapping her arms around her daughter. "That was very brave of you. Hannah. I'm really proud. Auntie Moira is just angry. She doesn't understand that Serena isn't a bad person." June relaxed as Serena sat down and pulled her into her arms, Hannah sitting between them. June leaned back and captured Serena’s lips in a quick kiss, before her daughter's voice brought her back to reality.

"So Serena really loves us, huh Mommy?" June felt her heart swell with a warmth she never even knew existed. "Yes, sweetheart. Serena loves us. And we love her." June smiled, hugging her daughter close. "And in about seven months, we’ll welcome your brother or sister to the world. And once I get out of the hospital, we'll find a house to live in, and…"

"Mommy, can I get a puppy?" Hannah asked. "But not a scary one. A fluffy one! And a cat? And a pony?" June heard Serena laughing and it sounded magical.

"Let's talk about that later, ok Hannah Banana? It's a bit too early to decide that," June said diplomatically. “We have to find a place to live first and see how much room we have.”


	21. Rita's Clearly in Charge

Rita was rushing into the hospital carrying a bag full of clothing and toiletries and was startled when Moira, who was not paying attention, plowed into her, knocking the bag from her hands. "Watch it! Hey! What's the matter with you, Moira? You look mad enough to go toe to toe with a tiger. Or maybe you just did. And have you been crying?” Rita heaved a big sigh, and dragged Moira over to a bench to sit down. "Spill it, tough girl. What happened?"

 _Great—Rita has to see me all crying and shit_ , Moira thought, completely without any swagger. Hot tears streamed down Moira’s face as she tried to talk to Rita. “That fucking bitch—Waterford—she’s got June all fucked up! She’s made June thinks she loves her! And that’s just bullshit—June’s not even like that!”

“Yes, she is,” Rita stated, matter-of-factly. “She just wasn’t like that with you.”

Moira stared at Rita shocked. “Is it that obvious?”

“Honey, you broadcast your feelings for June everywhere--I knew it the second I saw you lay eyes on her in the cave. And then the way you went after Serena for no reason,” Rita continued. “June told you to stop, and you just wouldn’t. Shit was tense there—you could have de-escalated, but you were all in your feelings for June and it made you look like a royal asshole. A cute, royal asshole, but still an asshole.”

 _Did she just call me a cute asshole?_ Moira thought. “So you’re on team wifey, too, I see,” Moira said, scoffing at Rita.

“Hey look. Serena is far from perfect. She has backhanded me more times than I can count. But she’s been abused too. That whole system is fucked up—it abuses all women—even the ones with the supposed power. But she protected June. She saved June’s life more times in the last week than I can count. She put her own life on the line, and that’s worth something.” Moira kept listening, trying to open her ears, if not her heart.

“But June’s straight!” Moira said.

“No she’s not,” Rita said gently. “I don’t want to hurt you because I know you have feelings for the girl, but June fucking loves Serena. She’s felt that way for a long time, but she didn’t have the courage to say anything. Then she got really sick and was in the hospital for a week and Serena never left her side. And man, they’re good together. They bring out the best in each other. And Hannah…she loves Serena. She looks at her like her like she’s magic and a fairy princess all rolled into one. If you want to stay in June and Hannah’s life—and mine—you need to make room for Serena. Because I love her too.”

“Fuck Rita, are you kidding me?” Moira said, despondent, running her hand through her short curly hair. “This is going to take me a minute. And June—June just hit me—straight up across the face. I can’t…”

“You can’t right now, but you will. I’ll help you. You need someone to call you on your bullshit. I’m really good at that,” Rita said smiling and winking at Moira. “In fact, I’m going to help you next Friday night when you take me out for dinner. Your treat, since I have no fucking money or a job and my refugee worker is a waste of time.”

“Wait—I’m your refugee worker!” Moira said indignantly.

“Well then you better get me a job and a place to live pronto. Otherwise you’re going to be buying dinner for me for a long time.”

Moira smiled shyly at Rita, and Rita leaned over and kissed her cheek. “Get going now and get to work. I’m going to go see my friends, June and Serena, and the child they are co-parenting, Hannah. Say that to yourself 100 times today so you can start getting used to it.”

“Give me a few minutes. We have a few bigger houses for larger groups of refuges. I know a place that might suit you,” Moira said, shifting her focus to doing something to help June, instead of fighting with her.

June lay her head against Serena’s chest, feeling quite a bit better than she had in the previous days. She rubbed her stomach gently, as though trying to feel the tiny life she’d been carrying just a few hours ago. "I love you," she whispered, looking up into Serena’s eyes. "I love you and that won’t ever change." June smiled when Serena began to pet her hair, and stroke her scalp. She loved Serena’s gentle touch. “Baby, how are you feeling?" June asked, whispering so they didn't wake Hannah who lay beside them. 

“I’m fine June—really. I’m good. It feels a little weird—having a baby inside of me—the same baby that I talked to and sang to and who’s mom I’ve been cuddling up to at night. But honestly—I’m really glad I can do this and you don’t have to. You had a very, very rough pregnancy and it was hard to watch. Now you can hold my hair while I puke—it all balances out. I didn’t even know that being able to carry the baby for you was a possibility.” Serena closed her eyes and rested quietly, wondering where the hell she was going to sleep that night. As if reading her mind, and orderly wheeled in another bed into the room, so Serena and Hannah wouldn’t have to crowd into June’s bed. One look at June told her she was not too happy about not sleeping in the same bed with her, but she’d get over it. They’d be together soon enough. As soon as they figured out where the hell they were going to live.

“Hi, you little lovebirds—how are you doing?” Rita said, coming into the room and giving each of them a kiss on the cheek. “I come bearing fresh clothing for you all, so you can get out of those funky “I just escaped from Gilead” clothes.”

“I happen to like dressing like this—I think it’s men’s pants for me from now on,” Serena said. June quirked her eyebrow with confusion, then interest, then laughter, when she realized Serena was joking.

“You’re welcome to keep them—just shove them in this plastic bag when you change and I’ll take care of the laundry,” Rita said.

“Wait, no Rita—you don’t have to do laundry for us—that’s—that’s not your job anymore,” Serena said.

“I know it—but, if we’re all going to be roomies in the nice little 2 story cottage my girl Moira hooked us up with, well, we need to split the chores, and I happen to like laundry,” Rita said, grinning like the Cheshire cat.

“Wait—back up—your girl Moira?” Serena said, horrified. “Please do not tell me that woman is your friend now—or worse. She’s really not a nice person—at least not to me.”

“Serena, I know she got off on the wrong foot with you—big time. I’ve been talking with her about the big fight with June, and how she’s treated you. She’s not willing to admit she’s wrong yet, but she did get us this house to live in—together. And she’s coming out of denial that you two are a couple and in love.”

“Rita! Serena’s carrying mommy’s baby now! It’s out of mommy’s tummy!” Rita’s jaw dropped and she looked at June who shrugged, and Serena who grinned.

“You’ve got to be kidding me—what kind of a Christmas miracle do we have going on here? Serena—really? Congratulations!!!! That’s wonderful! You’re finally going to get to feel all the misery of delivering a child—but it’s ok because once you hold it, you’ll forget all the pain,” Rita said, hugging Serena.

“Well, if you and Hannah wouldn’t mind—and we’ve talked about you blurting that out, honey,” Serena gently chided the little girl, “keep this little miracle to yourself. Moira is volatile enough. She doesn’t need to know any of this right now.”

"My lips are sealed. It’s up to you and June to decide when you tell her,” Rita said.

“So when do we move into the new house?” Serena asked.

“Is tomorrow too soon?” Rita responded. “It looks like you are all good for the night here, but I’ll come by and pick you up tomorrow. I think Moira will lend me her car.” June gave Rita a huge, knowing smile, and Rita winked at her…Serena didn’t know what was going on…yet.

"We won't have to worry, about Moira being a bitch from now on,” June said to Serena.

"Yeah. That's true enough." Rita said with a blush and a laugh. " I'm going to head on over to the house and get things set up. I'm putting your bedroom on the first floor. Hannah gets the room with the forest view, and I'll be taking the one off the patio. Best view in my opinion. This way YOU can't sneak in any adorable forest creatures," Rita shook her finger at Hannah, who giggled in return.

"I still want a puppy," Hannah giggled. "Please Rita?"

"That's up to your mommies, not me." Rita took out the clean clothes, and distributed them to Hannah and Serena—June was still a patient, so she had to keep her hospital gown on. As Serena was getting undressed, June said, “Serena, what’s that on your stomach?” Serena was distracted—she was usually more careful about hiding her scar, but now June had seen it. _Fuck, I really don’t want to talk about that now,_ she thought _. Especially in front of Rita and Hannah._ It was one of the worst moments of her life—but not as bad as when June fell into the river.

Being shot was nothing to be ashamed of, but why she was shot was shameful to her—now. She was no longer content to be Gilead’s martyr and poster child. She just wanted to have a peaceful life with June, Hannah and their baby—and Rita for as long as she wanted to be with them. _Lying on the ground with all those hateful people around me wishing me dead, yelling and spitting at me while I was bleeding into the pavement. It was horrible, and Fred was pressing on the gunshot wound to keep me from bleeding to death and it hurt so much I didn’t mind if I died—I just didn’t want to give them the satisfaction of beating me. I had a right to say what I thought—and they had the right not to listen to me._ Her face was clouded over with sadness and worry, and June of course didn’t miss any of that. Serena spent almost all of her marriage being ignored, and she wasn’t used to having someone notice her moods and feelings.

“I’m tired, June—and it’s a long story and it’s pretty painful. Can I tell you some other time when we’re not so stressed and we have some time alone?” Serena asked quietly, not wanting Hannah and Rita to overhear. June wrapped her arms around her and held her. She agreed to let it go for now—but not for long. 

“Alright, Serena and Hannah are tired, and lord knows me and June are too—so nighty, nighty everyone and tomorrow we get to move into our new house which will be super easy since we don’t have any belongings! Yay!” Rita said, picking up on the heavy mood and trying to make light of the situation. June was able to tuck Hannah in herself and told her a story she’d made up on the fly.

Meanwhile, Serena laid down in the other bed, and thought about everything that had happened—how she got to a place where she stood up for something that was so dreadful—so terrible—that she helped make Gilead a reality. This wasn’t the place and it wasn’t the time--there were too many feelings whirling inside her. She was safe, June and Hannah and Rita were safe, and so was the baby. That was a lot of miracles for one day, and it would have to be enough. Serena rolled on to her side and had almost fallen asleep when she felt June crawl in behind her and spoon her on the tiny hospital bed, laying soft kisses on her neck and whispering how much she loved her. Serena fell asleep feeling safe and loved.

June awoke the next morning, her face still buried in Serena’s long hair, pleasantly surprised to find Serena holding both her hands tightly in her own. She sighed, groaning when she felt the room spin

around her. She wasn't a hundred percent healthy yet, but she felt a lot better than she had in quite awhile.

"Girls—wakey wakey! Up up up! It’s time to go to our new home!” Rita said excitedly.

June shook her head, burying her face deeper in Serena’s hair, protesting Rita’s attempts to wake her up from her slumber. "I just want to sleep,” she said, clinging tighter to Serena. She was not, and had never had been, a morning person.

"Mommy Wake up! Come on! We get to go to our new home!" Hannah said, bounding out of bed and running over to hug her mommies.

“What’s all this ruckus about?” June’s nurse asked, poking her head in the room and sporting a large smile. “Seems like some folks are pretty happy to be going home! Let me get your discharge papers, Miss Osborne. They’re all set.” They made quick work of getting ready to leave, and the nurse just had a few papers for June to sign. She also handed Serena a bottle of pre-natal vitamins to take home with her.

June protested when Rita made her ride in a wheelchair out to the car, where they found Moira was waiting for them. She allowed Moira, who was being oddly silent, to help her into the backseat. Serena completely ignored Moira, and climbed in next to June, who immediately laid her head down on Serena’s shoulder.

Hannah climbed in front between Moira, who was driving, and Rita, who was holding a small basket on her lap. "What's that?" Hannah asked curiously.

"A surprise. We can't tell you what that is,” Moira chimed in. June heard the smirk on her friend’s face, but didn't remove her head from Serena’s shoulder. She was warm, and happy, and as in love as she could ever remember being.

"Hannah--sit down please and buckle your seat belt.” Rita’s voice was kind, but non-nonsense, and June found herself smiling. Hannah needed someone like Rita in her life. June was far too permissive, and she knew it.

“Ok,” the little girl said, allowing herself to be buckled in.

"Aunt Moira?" Hannah asked.

"Yes kiddo?" Moira responded.

"Can I call you just Moira? Aunts scare me." June felt a lump in her throat, and at the same time, she felt Serena’s arm wrap protectively around her shoulders. What else had Gilead taken from her daughter? 

“Sure thing, baby-girl!” Moira said cheerfully. “I don’t want you to think those aunts when you think of me either.”

“That’s good,” Hannah said, settling down for the car ride. When they finally reached the road that led to their house, Serena noticed that there were hardly any neighbors—it looked like it was a place where there were hunting camps and vacation houses, and the woods were very thick. It would be good to be away from anyone who might figure out who she was, but this might be too far our in the middle of nowhere without a car. And what about money? Serena was going to have to make a few phone calls and find out if there was anything left of her trust fund her grandfather left her. Fred had gotten some of her assets, but she recalled a few off-shore accounts that her grandfather had kept—he was a very shrewd and canny investor. If anyone would protect his assets for future generations, it was him. She hadn’t said anything to June or Rita because she didn’t want to raise false hope. Nothing may come of it and they’d have to figure out another way to earn money.

Moira pulled up to the worn, weathered-looking cabin. It hadn’t been lived in for some time, but the roof looked good, and the structure was solid. “Mommy, look! It’s our house!” Hannah exclaimed brightly jumping up and down, jostling Rita’s arm and the basket it was holding. A tiny whimper came from inside the basket and Rita’s face fell.

“Might as well have the surprise now, Rita,” Moira said shrugging and smiling. “Baby girl needs something fun after everything she’s been through.

“All right—time for the big reveal.” Rita said. “Look under the little blanket and see what’s in the basket for you,” Rita coaxed. Hannah lifted the corner of the blanket and peeked under, and all of a sudden, a tongue came out and licked her nose.

“It’s a puppy,” she squealed, picking it up and cuddling it while it wriggled around until it found a good position on her chest. “Oh Rita, thank you! I…I dreamed of getting a puppy for so long!” Happy tears ran down her face, and there wasn’t a dry eye in the car. Even Serena, who was not overly fond of dogs, was touched beyond measure. She and June poked their head over the back seat to get a look at the adorable black and tan puppy, of unknown origins— _likely something that would grow to 150 pounds and would eat them out of house and home,_ Serena thought. _But if it makes Hannah this happy, I can deal with a little dog hair._

They all climbed out of the car, Moira jumping out to carry June, and Serena declined her offer. “Rita and I can manage her,” she said stiffly.

“Serena come on—let me do this. I know you’re strong enough but you’ve been through a lot,” Moira said, almost kindly. Serena remembered the precious cargo she was now carrying and reluctantly agreed. Moira picked June up and carried her up the creaky stairs, going through the door that Rita had opened. Moira deposited June on the couch, and they took a look at the interior. The inside was spotless and decorated with a mish mash of pieces that went together--if not aesthetically perfect, then certainly functionally perfect. There was a sofa and two upholstered chairs and a side table with a funky lamp. Serena wandered over to the kitchen and found it spotless with an electric stove and a refrigerator and several cupboards filled with plates, glasses and cups, as well as food staples. She turned around and caught Rita’s proud look and unexpectedly took her into her arms for a warm hug.

“Thank you, Rita—for all of this. I don’t know how you did it all, but I’m so grateful.” They went off to tour the rest of the house while Moira sat with June on the couch. Hannah was playing on the floor with the puppy and was on cloud nine. Moira was watching all of this unfold while she sat next to June. They hadn’t exchanged a word yet.

“This is my peace offering June. I was taken completely off guard when I saw you with Mrs. Serena Joy Waterford,” Moira said. “Rita has explained how all of this came to be, and in great detail—believe me. She thinks Serena is some amazing avenging angel, protecting you at her own expense and taking hit after hit for you. That’s a lot June. And I was reacting to stereotypes—you know how we all hated those Wives. But anyway,” she continued, not letting June interrupt, “I felt devastated after our fight. I’ve never seen you that angry before in my life. You were ready to pick her over me and I just want you to know I will never make you choose. So here is your little house for your little family, and I’m trying to get everyone set up on refugee support payments and food stamps, but in the meantime, I used my rations to fill up your fridge and pantry. Rita has a part time job at the donation center. It’s a paid gig, and she gets first dibs on all the good stuff, so you all will be living pretty well—for refugees.”

“Thank you." June said with a tired smile. "For all of this—and for the puppy. Hannah’s very happy and excited, and that makes me happy,” June said, clutching her stomach. The doctor had warned her that she’d likely have pains for a few days, as her body was trying to make sense of not being pregnant anymore.

"June, hey." Moira was holding her hand instantly, getting her to lie back on the couch. "Want me to get…Serena?" Moira choked on the question, but fought her annoyance in favor of helping June.

"No. I'm fine." June moved, adjusting her position on the couch, not wanting to frighten Moira with the explanation and possibly lose the truce they'd come to.

"Well, I'm here. For you and this baby." Moira smiled. "Little fighter’s already given his mom enough trouble."

June ignored the comment, choosing instead to ask a question of her own. "So….you and Rita?" June asked, smirking at her friend. Moira blushed and shook her head, ignoring her.

"Shut up. Anyway, I got you and Serena jobs. You'll be running this place as a stop-over for refugees passing through. The entire basement will be converted to house at least a dozen people at a time. They’ll stay here for a few days until Rita or I come to meet with and assess them, and figure out where they’re going next.. We are also working on building another house on property to expand the offerings. Serena! Rita! Get your asses in here!"


	22. Strings Attached

Serena and Rita heard the yelling and came running into the room, terrified that something happened to June. Serena knelt beside the couch and immediately took June’s hand. “Are you ok—are you having cramps again?” As touched as June was by Serena’s concern, she assured her she was ok, and that Moira just wanted to speak with them. Serena stood up to her full height, and said, “Hannah honey, why don’t you go upstairs and check out your room. The grownups have to talk.”

“Sure Serena—can I bring Daisy?”

“Of course,” trying not to smile at the dog’s new name. As soon as Hannah was out of earshot, Serena walked up to Moira so that not more than a couple of inches separated them. Rita and June hung back to watch the show. “Do not ever scream for anyone in this house. We’ve all been traumatized from our ordeal and harrowing escape--or did you not take that class on the care and feeding of refugees? Do you understand me?” she said with all the Mrs. Waterford growling frostiness she could muster. June shuddered, grateful she wasn’t on the end of her wrath—this time.

Moira was ready to lunge at Serena when she heard Rita clear her throat and make a motion that told her to cut it out. “Do not yell at June. She’s still sick, or don’t you remember her being too weak to walk into the house on her own?” Serena said, ice dripping off her tongue.

“I…I…apologize…Mrs.…Serena. You’re right. It was inconsiderate of me. I forget that June and I aren’t back in college in the dorm together,” Moira said.

“Thank you. Now what was so important that you needed to scream to get our attention?” Serena asked.

Moira reviewed her whole plan with Rita and Serena—it was news to all of them, and and she’d only just given June the highlights. Her excited announcement was met with cold stares. “What? I thought you’d be glad I got you all work—I mean, it will be very, very challenging, having people in and out of here at all hours of the day or night, and most of them traumatized, but I think you can all handle it. And you’d have a chance to give back some of the generosity you’ve been given!” 

Serena looked at Rita, then looked at June, and decided to be the spokesperson for the group. “Moira, your heart is in the right place. It might seem like a great plan, except for one thing. We have a very young girl in this house, and a pregnant woman. We also have me, and I’m fairly well known outside of Gilead and universally hated. If this is some sort of plan to get me killed in my sleep, bravo. I think it’s masterful.”

“Wait—what? I mean, it wouldn’t be right away—we’d wait a week or so. And we’d only bring people we thought were safe here. I’d never put Hannah in danger, and you can all watch her,” Moira explained.

“No.” Serena said.

“What do you mean, ‘no’?” Moira asked.

“We’re not doing this, Moira. It’s not safe for us. If that’s the price of this house you found for us, then we respectfully decline.” Serena looked back over at Rita and June and their eyes told her she was right. _I should have realized this house wasn’t coming from the generosity of her heart—she had an angle._ “ I’m sure Rita would love to work for refugee services, as would June. I think I would be a lightning rod of trauma for the refugees, both new and old, and I’m not going to be put in that position. I can do lots of other office type things for the agency, but my identity has to be in the shadows, and I will not show my face. I have too much respect for the people who and able to escape Gilead, and I will not be part of making their healing more difficult.”

Moira digested all of this information, while Serena walked into the kitchen and got a glass of water to steady herself. She’d just told Moira they weren’t going to take the house, and she’d hoped the other two were on board. She heard footsteps behind her, and turned to see Rita, holding out her hands to her and clasping them.

“What you said was right, Serena. I couldn’t put my finger on why it sounded like a terrible idea, but it was the safety of all of us. We’re all traumatized and we need a safe place to put our heads down at night. Thank you for standing up for us.”

Serena smiled, relief evident in her face. “I meant it—I’ll do whatever work is needed, but I’m too well-known. It will not go well for me if people figure out who I am.” They walked back into the living and found Moira and June in a heated argument.

“You agree with her? Are you kidding me, June? I feel like I don’t even know you,” Moira said shaking her head, not understanding why June wasn’t diving in to help like she would have when they were younger.

“I told you not to yell at June!” Serena said, her voice angry and powerful. “Not in front of me, in any event. Read the room, Moira! No one thinks this is a good idea. Not June, not Rita, not me. We need to feel safe, not terrified. And don’t discount how badly Gilead wants to capture us and bring us back. We need to be in witness protection, not the hospitality industry.”

Moira stared at Serena for a long moment. They seemed to be in the middle of a silent standoff. Moira lowered her head, finally surrendering to Serena, deciding to accept the loss of the battle. June moved to lean on Serena, wrapping an arm around her waist, offering support to the woman she loved. She looked adoringly at her, gently resting her head on her chest. Moira stared at them both, her eyes never leaving Serena’s face.

"I understand. I should have asked first, but don’t worry. We won’t take this house away from you. It’s yours. The agency doesn't know I even made the suggestion about a refugee stop-over. Maybe you could plant a garden, or bake bread and pies—stuff like that, where you can still work from home, but you’re not around strangers. And Rita, please don’t be angry with me for screwing this up—it’s all right now. Dumb idea retracted." Rita raised her eyebrow at Moira, as if challenging her to kick them out.

"Moira. I physically can’t,” June said. “Even if I wanted to work, I can't. I'm hurt, still healing, but I do want to help” she winced in pain, and Moira turned to face her, jealousy flaring up momentarily when she saw Serena wrap her arms around June.

"Well find something for you to do. Serena too. But you need to get better first. Just relax. Don't stress yourself. Actually, how about you guys go check out your room? Rita, why don’t you show them?” Moira said, hoping the olive branch might be received.

“Yes, that’s a great idea,” Serena said, placing a kiss on June’s head, loving and feather light, but it still made June's heart flutter. Serena was ferocious and protective one moment, and the next, sweet and gentle. The bedroom was big, with one wall completely window paneled door, covered in lace curtains. The walls were a made of pine, and the bed was a king, with metal bedframe and soft pink and yellow floral sheets and a down comforter and blankets. The dresser was short and wide, with a tall vanity mirror attached and covered by an old-fashioned runner in the same pattern as the rug in the middle of the floor. It was filled with clothes for both of them. The other wall had a desk with a sewing machine and a basket of yarn. The en-suite had a white claw foot tub and a shower in the corner. "It's beautiful." June gasped, turning to Serena, walking slowly over to the bed, and laying down, smiling gratefully when Serena lay beside her.

"Rita, can you and Moira show Hannah her room?" June asked. Hint taken, Rita closed the door behind them, giving them privacy, as they left in search of Hannah. June was fairly certain they could keep her busy for at least 20 minutes.

They laid there, side by side, on their backs, holding hands and looking up at the ceiling. Serena was relieved that June and Rita had backed her when she stood up to Moira. Yes, she should have asked them first before she launched her hair-brained scheme. She felt slightly ungrateful, but alarm bells went off in her head as she was describing the refugee center, full of desperate strangers with a grudge against Gilead coming through in record numbers.

June rolled onto her side and stroked Serena’s face, and ran her fingers through her hair, and brought her lips in for a kiss that was far too exciting for the short window of time they had available to them.

“Sweetheart—um, no. You’re not feeling well, and the last thing we need is for Moira to catch us in the act, so to speak. Our truce may sound solid, but it’s held together by toothpicks and gum.” June pouted and rolled back over onto her other side, and Serena rolled right over with her, wrapping her arms around her, and depositing kisses on her neck. June groaned and pressed her backside into Serena, who finally took the hint and slid her hand inside June’s pants and found her soaking wet. She fingered her clit to a quick, and apparently very necessary orgasm. She could feel relief flooding June’s body, and warm satisfaction washed over her own. Hearing footsteps on the stairs, Serena slid her fingers out of June’s pants and licked them clean, then rolled over onto her own side of the bed pretending to be asleep. June was having none of it, and went right over to her side and held her close, unwilling to be parted from her for even a minute.

June left a trail of kisses down the back of Serena’s neck and through her hair. "Mine," June whispered, softly nipping her ear. "Mine. You...you are mine." June heard Serena’s soft moan followed by a laugh. "You like that Princess?" June tried out the nickname, earning a playful swat from Serena. At one point that would've sent June flinching away, but she just laughed and caught Serena’s hand in her own, pulling Serena on top of her. "You know you mean everything to me, right?"

They were cut off by the door bursting open and Hannah racing in. "Guess what? Daisy has her own bed! And Rita says she'll help me write her name on her bowl! We're going to paint it!" June gently pulled away from Serena.

"That's...great honey." June made a mental note to have a conversation with Hannah about knocking before barging into their room.

“Daisy, huh?” Serena said, picking Hannah up and plunking her right between her and June on the bed. She laid back down, and Hannah followed suit, snuggling up to her side. June looked at them, shrugged her shoulders, and joined as the last piece of bread in the Hannah Banana sandwich.

“Do we know if Daisy is a girl or a boy dog?” Serena asked the little girl.

“Umm…I was going to name the dog Rocko, but Rita told me I should pick a girl’s name, so it must be a girl,” Hannah replied.

“So the dog is going to sleep in your room—which means when it has to go potty, you’ll have to let her out—it might be a couple of times a night while she’s little. Are you up to the challenge?” Serena asked.

“Yes, yes, yes! I’ll do anything for Daisy. She’s going to keep me from being lonely at night. Rita said I could sleep with you guys or with her if I got scared.”

“Rita is 100% right. That’s what families are for. And that’s what the four of us are,” Serena said, then saw Moira looking stricken at the door to the bedroom with Rita. “And Moira too of course. We’re all a family,” Serena said, correcting herself and earning a kiss from June and a wink from Rita.

“And Daisy!!! And you and mommy’s baby! That’s seven! Wow! I’ll never be lonely again,” Hannah said. “It was very lonely at the MacKenzie’s. They kept promising me a dog, but it never happened. I had kids to play with at school, but they were so strict there. It was like fun was a sin.” Just as suddenly as she started talking, Hannah jumped out of bed and announced that she thought Daisy needed to go potty, and could she take her outside on her leash? Rita took charge of the situation, and ushered Hannah out of the room to find Daisy and the leash.

Moira stood in the doorway, trying not to be awkward. “So, you’re keeping the baby, June?” Moira asked quietly.

Serena looked at June, kissed her cheek, and got up off the bed, saying “sounds like you and Moira need to have a chat. I’m going to go see how Daisy and company are doing.” Serena walked past Moira without a word and left the room, leaving the two of them alone.


	23. The Secret is Out

June moved over when Moira sat down looking at her expectantly. "So, the thing is, the baby was killing me. Literally. My body was so damaged and I couldn't realistically carry it to term. I was unconscious and the doctors suggested a new procedure. Apparently, it’s common for lesbians having children. The doctors transplanted the baby to Serena’s uterus. She’s carrying my baby." June fell silent as Moira stared at her, her mouth open, then got up, slamming the bedroom door shut with a loud bang before she charged out and down the hall.

June lurched off the bed and tried to run after her, ignoring her pain in an effort to protect Serena. "Moira! Wait! June charged toward her, trying to blocking Moira from going out the back door. "Keep your hands off of Serena. We are together, Moira, whether you like it or not. And I want her to carry my baby!" June yelled. Moira pushed her aside as though she were nothing, muttering about Stockholm syndrome, before walking purposely towards Serena, screaming insults as she went.

Serena heard a loud slam and started running towards the house _. God damn it, I should never have left the two of them alone—I should have known I couldn’t trust Moira._ She saw June blocking the door, and Moira shoving her to the side. Well, that was really all Serena needed to see. Moira was headed right towards her, screaming “you fucking raping kidnapper! I know you stole her baby too! I’m going to fucking end you!”

Serena stood her ground, and Moira got right in her face, so angry she was spitting her words at her. “You are the lowest piece of filth I have ever seen in my life. You don’t deserve to have June’s love—or anyone’s love. You are selfish and entitled, and you’re a criminal. I’m fucking turning you in, and I don’t care if June never speaks to me again—she’s under your spell and she doesn’t know what she’s doing. She’s not responsible for her actions.”

Serena stood perfectly still—tall, angry, ferocious. Moira was getting ready to take a swing at her head, and she ducked instinctively, and a loud shot rang out, startling all of them. Rita stood in the middle of the back yard, Fred’s pistol in hand, after having fired off a round over their heads.

“Moira—step away from Serena—right now. Serena, please go see to June and Hannah. I’ve got this,” Rita said. Serena looked at Moira one last time, and said, “Hate me all you want, but I thought you loved June. You don’t get to make her fucking choices for her--she does. And you can’t come in here and terrorize me anytime you feel like it. You’re a bully and a coward. You think because you found us a house that we owe you? Fuck you Moira. Just fuck you.” Serena started to walk away, then turned again to Moira and said, “You lay one more finger on June and that will be the last time you ever see her—I promise you that. And Rita? Be careful—when you lay with snakes, you get bit.”

Serena walked into the house to check on June who was on the floor, crying and holding her stomach. “June it’s ok—she’s not going to hurt anyone anymore—least of all you. Oh my god—are you hurt?” Serena gathered June into her arms, trying to calm her---she was hysterical, and she knew it was more than just Moira. “Sweetie what is it? Do you need a doctor? Are you sick again? Are you having a panic attack?”

June shook in Serena's embrace sobbing as she buried her face against her. "She's going to get you taken away from me. Then I'll be alone and I won’t have you anymore. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. She going to get you killed. They'll kill you. They won’t believe me because I was just Fred's handmaid. Please...don’t let them take you away from me. " She sobbed, her breathing coming in gasps. "I'm sorry. It's my fault. It's my fault. She hates you because of me. I'm going to get you killed. I'm….I’m going to lose you." June tried to breathe, but everything hurt too much. She couldn't seem to get enough air. "I should've died in Gilead. You shouldn't have saved me. You should've let Aunt Lydia kill me. Then you'd be safe. Not... Not mine. But safe." She sobbed, clinging to Serena. " I'm losing you. I...I can't...lose you. Don’t let me lose you." She shivered, exhaustion filling her, as she sobbed in Serena’s arms, clinging to her so tightly her knuckles turned white. "You didn't steal my baby. You saved my life but, you're going to get killed and it’s my fault. I can’t lose you. I lost Luke. I can't…take it." She fell silent, burying her face in Serena’s neck, too exhausted to move. "Please….don’t leave me."

“June, please honey—don’t say that! I’m glad you’re alive, and so is, and so will this little baby when he or she makes her entrance!” Serena held June, who was as hysterical as she’d ever seen her. _I need to get through to fucking Moira and end this bullshit. June’s going to end up dying because Moira’s in love with her and she is so jealous that she didn’t pick her that she can’t see straight._ Hannah was nearby, petting Daisy and looking very frightened. Serena called her over to them. “Come here, Hannah and help me make your mommy feel better.” The little girl ran over to Serena and June and wrapped her little body around June’s legs.

“Mommy I love you! Can you feel all the love I have for you?” Hannah asked and it made June giggle through her tears.

“Yes, baby—I sure can—how is it possible that you love me this much?” June asked, hugging her daughter.

“Because you’re the best mommy ever! And I don’t ever want to lose you again, ok?” Hannah said solemnly. 

“She’s right June. Hannah can never lose you, and neither can I. Hannah sweetie, can you stay with your mom and talk to her and try to keep her calm? She’s scared now so she needs someone she loves to stay with her.” June looked up at Serena, panicked that she was leaving her. “June, please—don’t worry. I just need to speak with Moira. Now you two take care of each other.” Meanwhile, outside, Rita and Moira were having it out.

“What part of June is in love with Serena do you not understand? I thought you were a smart woman—and here you are acting like a neanderthal. What the fuck set you off like that? Did June finally tell you she’s not in love with you?”

“Fuck you, Rita—just fuck you. You’re as sick as those two bitches in there—I should get social services to take Hannah away—you’re all just going to ruin her!”

Rita put the gun down on the ground behind her, and went up to Moira, and picked her chin up with her fingertips to look her in the eye. “Moira. You have to stop this. You are throwing away the best friend that you’ve ever had. She didn’t pick you, boo—get over it. You can’t hate Serena just because June loves her. And I don’t know if you got the memo, but June is not the same woman you knew from before Gilead. She’s been through too much. You’re lucky—you got out early—she didn’t. She had a lot more shit happen to her than you can imagine. She’s…she’s damaged and fragile now…the Aunts did something terrible to her and the other Handmaids and it put her into shock and she’s not been right since. Serena is the only person that can reach her when she goes to the lonely dark places in her mind. If you do anything to get Serena taken away from her, I don’t think June will survive it. And if she does, I’m pretty sure she won’t let you pick up the pieces. She’ll want you as far away from her as possible.”

“But Rita—Serena’s carrying June’s baby now—what the fuck? That is some sick shit! June’s in the hospital and Wifey managed to talk the doctors into playing Frankenstein with the baby?”

“Shut your face until you know what you’re talking about. Serena didn’t know anything about the process. The doctors came up to her and suggested it, and gave her zero time to make a decision. She asked enough questions to make sure the procedure wouldn’t harm June or the baby, then she agreed. She did it for June, because of June, to please June. Does she want a baby too—yes, she does. But the baby was going to die if it didn’t get implanted in her. She wasn’t able to consult with June. The doctors said it was dangerous to wake her up. Serena did what she thought was right.”

“It’s fucked up—it’s just so fucked up,” Moira muttered.

“I tell you what’s fucked up. You are, and you can’t bullshit me,” Rita said honestly. “All of this, and I mean all of this, is your jealousy over the fact that June isn’t in love with you. It was ok when she was with a man, but now she picked a woman and it’s not you. Your ego just can’t handle it. Girl, she didn’t even know you were in love with her because you never fucking told her. Now you’re going to blow her life up just because she isn’t in love with you? Guess what? June’s her own person. If she had wanted to be with you all those years ago, she would have just gone for it. But you didn’t’ do it for her, and you still don’t.”

Hot tears streamed down Moira’s face, and she turned away for a moment, and was confronted by Serena. “Rita’s right. You’re in love with June and you never told her, and now you’re punishing her and threatening to rip her heart out of her chest to what end? To take revenge out on her?” Serena asked. “Love doesn’t look like that—not at all. What I need you to understand is I don’t give a fuck if you turn me in or not—but you will destroy her if you do. I get it—I’m a horrible person—I’ve done terrible things. Haven’t we all? Gilead does that to people. That woman in there is one of the purest hearts I’ve ever met and neither of us deserve her love, but we have it. She loves you, Moira—you’re her best friend. You need to talk all of this out with her so you can move on and heal—or you’ll never be able to repair your relationship that you’ve just about destroyed. And yeah, she loves me too. Differently than you. She wants to share her life with me, and I feel like I won the lottery. And I have our baby in my body and I’m going to do everything in my power to see that it has a good start in life. I don’t give a fuck what you do to me, but June does, and so do Rita and Hannah. Once Rita is done yelling at you, go inside, talk to June and come clean. You have got to stop punishing her for loving me instead of you.” Serena walked away from Moira and Rita and went back into the house to check on June and Hannah.

June was sitting on the couch, Daisy on her lap and Hannah beside her, stroking the dog’s soft ears. Daisy was pressed against her chest, two big paws on her shoulders as the puppy licked her tears. “You're going to be big—a German Shepherd by the look of you," June said with a small smile. She looked at her daughter, silently vowing not to let anything happen to her. They didn’t need Moira’s help or love—they’d get by without her. But she would not let her take Serena away from her, or Hannah. June’s heart warmed at how her daughter had grown so close to Serena--how she’d captured both of their hearts. She couldn't let Serena be killed, which she surely would be if the government arrested her. June hadn't been this scared since Luke died in the woods and Hannah was ripped out of her arms.

Serena came back into the house, and sat next to June, letting her lean into her arms while she wrapped her arms around her. "I won't let anyone take you away from me." June whispered in her ear. "You are mine now."

Hannah jumped up when Daisy barked, grabbing the leash and running with the puppy to the back door, shouting that she was taking Daisy to chase squirrels. Serena sat beside June, holding her, kissing her cheek, whispering that everything would be ok. June didn't know if she believed any of it, but she did know that Serena was trying to make her feel better.

"Hey, June."

June jumped a mile when she saw Moira in the doorway. "No. Get...get her away from me." June began to panic once more, shielding Serena, from Moira, who, like an idiot stepped forward, kneeling beside the couch, seemingly oblivious to June's panic.

“June, shhh, honey, it’s ok. Moira is not going to hurt me—tell her,” Serena said, glaring at the clueless Moira.

“No, June—I won’t—I promise. I won’t ever do anything to hurt Serena, or take her away from you and your family,” Moira said gently.

June was still freaking out, and she was clinging to Serena and yelling at Moira to stay away from her.

“June honey, calm down. I think Moira needs to talk to you about something you’ve needed to talk with each other about for a long time. I promise, I’ll be right in the next room, if you need anything. But…I think you need some privacy. And Moira, I trust that I don’t need to remind you that June is traumatized, ill, and fragile. Say what you need to say, and then I think we’ve all had enough excitement for today. June needs to rest, and frankly, so do I. Serena leaned over and kissed June on the lips. “It’s ok, baby. Clean this up with Moira and she won’t have to be so angry with me all the time, ok? Do this for me, do it for your friendship, do it for Hannah.” Serena left the room but stayed within hearing distance in case June needed her.

June shook her head, tears rolling down her cheeks. She stared at Moira, her nerves ragged and wanting nothing more than to throw her out of the house. "Moira. Please don't take Serena away from me. I don't know how to convince you that she won't hurt me. Just please...don’t make me live without her. She saved my life by carrying the baby for me, and we are going to raise it together. Please don't make me be alone. I love her." June had begun to panic again, slapping at Moira, trying to get away from her arms as they tried wrap around her. “Why are you trying to ruin my life?"

"June, please, stop—just let me hold you, ok? I’m…I’ve been awful, and I’m sorry. I didn’t realize what I was doing, but two smart ladies helped me see what was happening, and I owe you an apology. Can we just sit please and let me say this, and then we can move on?” June agreed and sat on the couch, but at a distance from Moira, who just shook her head sadly. “June, I’ve...I’ve been in love with you for a long time, but I never told you because I knew you were straight. I used to comfort myself with thinking that if you were gay, you would definitely be with me because I know you love me. And since you were straight, I just shoved my feelings down. So imagine my shock and horror, when I see you literally head over heels in love with another woman. And if I’m honest, it doesn’t matter if it was Serena, or Rita for that matter. If it wasn’t me, I was going to have a problem with it.” Moira stopped, and took a breath then continued. “Rita called me out on it day one, when we had that fight in the hospital. She was trying to help me see how good you and Serena are together, but I didn’t care, because you weren’t mine. And I wanted you to be mine. And I wanted to be Hannah’s other mom with you. But you didn’t pick me, and I’m behaving like a child. There’s no excuse for how I’ve behaved. I just—we should have talked about this years ago. It’s why I always had a hard time keeping a girlfriend. Because I couldn’t love someone else when I was in love with you. Odette was the first person that made me forget about you. And now she’s dead, you’re with Serena and I’m alone. And I guess it’s what I deserve.” Serena and Rita were both listening in on the conversation, each of them with their own reasons for doing so. But both of them wanted to be on hand in case things escalated. And June looked furious, not frightened--which Serena preferred—she could work with anger and fury—but panic attacks were harder to deal with.

“So, if I'm understanding correctly, you're trying to get Serena killed because you love me? You're sending me into panic attacks because you LOVE me? That's about the stupidest thing I've ever heard! I’m the one that fell for Serena. I noticed how beautiful she was the first time I saw her because, hello—I have eyes! And I started to fall for her when I saw her kindness and compassion for the first time. I didn't even realize it until the Aunts were getting ready to hang us all, and she stepped up in her high heels, in the pouring rain and the mud, and demanded that we all be set free, and she had Aunt Lydia sent to the colonies. She was my avenging angel. I knew it then. I knew I needed that amazing woman by my side."

"But I've always been there for you." Moira’s voice took on a mournful tone. June moved closer to her, placing a hand on her knee.

"You're my best friend. You’re Hannah's Godmother. And I DO love you. But not romantically. Through no fault of your own. You care. So much. You always have. I know that drunk make-out session we had in college messed with your head and I'm sorry about my part in that. But Moira--that was Halloween of freshman year. Stop trying to create what can never be. I love you as my sister. Not as my girlfriend. And I'm going to say something you aren't going to like." June took a deep breath. "If you ever hit me again, knock me down, or send me into a fucking panic attack again, if you frighten my daughter, if you threaten Serena or hit her, or keep trying to break us apart, I won't have you in my life at all. She is my everything, Moira. And if she gets turned in, she will be killed. And truthfully, she is a victim too. Even before Gilead. And as much as I hate to admit it, I'm mentally and physically fragile now and don't know how long I'll be this way. I…I may never be as strong as I was before.” June gasped and winced in pain. Moira instantly steadied her, and June allowed her to do so. "My body is adjusting to not being pregnant anymore, trying to expel a baby where there is none. It hurts like a bitch. But I'll be fine in a week."

"Shit." Moira breathed. "Should I get Serena, or Rita?"

"No. I'm alright." June shook her head. "And about Rita… You're going to lose her if you don't knock it off. How is she going to think you’re capable of caring for her if you’re too busy mooning over someone you can’t ever have. She cares a great deal for you but I won't have you breaking her heart. You need someone and she's damn good for you.” June stopped, the pain getting worse. “Moira…could you get me some…water please?”


	24. Mrs. Waterford is pissed

“I’ll take care of June,” Serena said, when Moira came into the kitchen. “Rita’s outside with Hannah and Daisy if you want to talk to her before you go.”

“Ummm…yeah, all right. And Serena—thanks for making me talk to June. You’re right—it needed to be said. I’m hoping things will be better now,” Moira said.

“You have done nothing but try to make my life miserable since you first laid eyes on me,” Serena said. “However, for June’s sake, I’m willing to give you another chance, which you absolutely do not deserve. But make no mistake. If you touch June or me in anger, threaten us, or frighten either of our children, and all bets are off.”

“She said the same thing to me. You two really are in sync with each other,” Moira remarked.

“Yes, we are. We’ll see you another time, ok? June’s still recovering, so no more big dramatic discussions and events today. She needs complete rest and quiet.” Serena said.

“Right—no more drama,” Moira agreed. “I’ll just go find Rita now.”

Serena went in to the living room and found June holding her stomach and grimacing in pain. “Here,” Serena said, wrapping her arm around her and holding the glass up to her lips. June took a small sip, and then handed the glass back. “How about you put your head in my lap and rest? I’d really rather you stay in bed until you’re feeling better, and maybe now that we’re all settled, that can happen.”

June nodded, closing her eyes, laying in Serena’s lap. Each time a sharp pain occurred, she clutched Serena’s hand. She shivered, a low whimper escaping her. She knew that the pain was normal and she was going to be fine—she just had to ride it out. "It feels better, when you do that," June whispered, as Serena ran her hand up and down her back. "Could you help me to the bedroom?” Serena helped her up, and Moira who just came in with Rita, ran to take her other side and walked her slowly into the bedroom. June's knees buckled as they entered the bedroom and she sagged against Serena.

"Give me a minute. I’m fine. No hospital. Just. need to rest…” June said, sinking gratefully onto the bed.

“Come on—everybody out,” Serena ordered, leaving with Moira and Rita, closing the door to their bedroom behind her. “Ok, listen up. June stays in bed except for brief walks to the bathroom and back, and never unescorted—am I clear? And Moira--Would you mind leaving, like I asked you to a while ago? You’ve kissed and made up with June, and with Rita too, apparently, so mission accomplished. What’s going on with June is not normal, it’s not ok, and we need to help her get her strength back, so that means the dyke drama gets dialed back 150 notches—ok?”

“Yes Mrs. Waterford,” Rita and Moira said in unison, then burst out laughing.

“Laugh all you want. You’re going to see Mrs. Waterford in rare form if June’s not better in a couple of days. Now scoot, ok? And fucking call first before you come over—I’m sure you’ve given Rita a cell phone so you can text each other incessantly. Use it. You’re going to see me be a real bitch if you trespass on my privacy.”

Rita walked Moira out to her car, and Serena went in search of Hannah. She found her in the living room, playing with Daisy, her new best friend. “Sweetie, can I talk to you for a minute?” she said, sitting down on the floor with Hannah and the puppy. “You know your mom is still sick, right?” she asked, and Hannah responded by nodding her head. “So I’m going to need you to be a big girl and let her rest—a lot. I’ll make sure you get to see during the day when she’s awake, but you can’t jump on her or run at her—she’s got to get stronger, ok?”

“Is mommy going to die?”

“No, honey, she’s not. I won’t let her.”

“’ll be good—I promise. Will you be with her all the time?” Hannah asked.

“Yes honey, I will. I won’t leave her side,” Serena promised.

“Ok—I know you will take good care of her,” Hannah said, giving her a hug. Rita came back in and asked Hannah to help her make dinner. Serena thanked Rita and returned to June’s room, where she was passed out. _None of this makes any sense. How could she be this sick?_ The only thing she could think of to help June was to insist that she rest, so that’s what she was doing. She laid down next to her, held her hand, closed her eyes and fell asleep next to her for several hours. Rita knocked lightly to ask if they wanted dinner, and Serena went out to the kitchen to get something for June. The smell of Rita’s soup woke her up and she sat up and ate half a bowl, drank some water and went back to sleep. Serena left Rita with her, while she went and tucked Hannah into bed and read her a story. After Hannah had fallen asleep, she went back downstairs and resumed her spot beside June.

“If you need anything during the night, just yell for me, ok? You remember how to do that, don’t you?” Rita said smiling.

“I do,” Serena said smiling. Thanks Rita—for everything.”

“She’s going to be fine. Resting is the best thing for her,” Rita assured her.

“I hope you’re right. Good night.” Serena got ready for bed and crawled under the covers with June and wrapped her arm around her, burying her face in her hair. _This freedom business is pretty exciting so far, and not in a good way_. I hope we catch a break tomorrow and it’s boring. I could stand to stare at a wall for a few hours.

“Serena?" June asked, waking up when Serena got into bed, her voice slurred with sleep. "I don't want to die. And I… need to apologize to you. About Fred…and Jezebel’s…I didn't really have a choice." She flinched at the memory of the night Serena found out that Fred had taken her to the Gilead whore house and made her wear that gaudy excuse for a dress. "I hope you don't hate me for that. And I’m scared—this is supposed to be normal pain, but I’m terrified."

“Shhh, sweetie, for the love of all that is holy, would you please stop apologizing for things that were not your fault. I’m not angry with you, so just please know that I love you, and I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere. Go to sleep, sweetheart, and if you don’t feel better tomorrow, I’m taking you back to the hospital. They have to be able to give you some pain killers or something. Just rest and we’ll see what tomorrow brings.” Serena stroked June’s face gently with her fingertips, finally lulling her to sleep.

The next morning, Serena woke up and felt ridiculously nauseous. _Great. Just great._ She went into the bathroom and proceeded to vomit up the contents of her stomach. She felt a little lightheaded, so she sat on the cool floor for a few minutes, and stayed there until Rita knocked and asked if she was alright.

“Yeah, I’m fine, but if you could help me get up off this floor, I’d be grateful.” Rita hauled Serena up by her hands, and walked her back into the bedroom. June was sitting up and looking quite a bit better than she had been. “Don’t get any ideas about walking around and doing stuff today June—you look better, but I need you at 100%, ok? You have a daughter who misses you and I think we should let her in for a short visit, don’t you Rita?” Serena asked.

“I do, but after June’s had breakfast,” Rita said. At the mention of breakfast, Serena put her hand over her mouth and ran back into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. “Morning sickness already—it’s hasn’t even been 48 hours since the implantation—she can’t catch a break, can she?” Rita commented. When Serena emerged, she looked paler, but less likely to throw up again.

“Rita, could you stay with June while I go hang out with Hannah—at least until she’s done with the “B” word?”

Both June and Rita smiled sympathetically and Serena left them in search of Hannah. “Don’t move a muscle—I’m bringing you breakfast in one minute—ok?” Rita said.

“I won’t move—I promise. And if there’s bacon I might kiss you,” June said teasing.

“Oh hey now, I don’t do threesomes, so you just step back. And if you think I’m stupid enough to step on Serena’s turf, you’ve lost your mind!” Rita exclaimed. “Besides, you’re not my type.”

June waited as Rita brought in the plate of bacon, scrambled eggs and hash browns. She sat up, teasingly placing a kiss on Rita’s cheek when she deposited the plate in front of her. June was starving, and when she came up for air, she said, “Rita, would you be willing to help me with something? I want to ask Serena to marry me, but I want to do it romantically, in a way she won't forget. Do you have any suggestions?"

Rita wore a serious look on her face and sat next to June. “I’m not talking to you about anything until you finish all of that food.” June knew she was serious, so she ate the rest of her meal, put her fork down and looked exp0ectantly at Rita for some pearls of wisdom. “Now June…I hate to bust your balloon, but I have a few facts for you to consider. Serena is legally married to Fred Waterford, and until he’s pronounced dead, which could take some time since they’ll probably never find his body, she can’t file for divorce. And I believe it’s 7 years to declare someone dead without a body. And, Luke’s body hasn’t been found, so there’s no evidence that he's actually dead. Now I know you told me you two had a common law marriage, so that’s not as big of an issue as an actual marriage. So aside from the legal hurdles, you have no money, no job, and no prospects. You can’t buy her a ring, which is customary when you’re proposing—and I do think she’s the kind of woman who would expect something—even if it was small. June, I can see how in love you are with her, and I see how much she loves you, but can you please slow down? You can’t even stand on your own two feet yet and you want to propose to Serena. You’ve only been together for like maybe three weeks? Again, I respect your feelings and I know how deeply you feel for her and she for you. But Serena is a very, very practical woman, and with neither of you being legally free to marry, you’re only option is the spiritual marriage, and I would think you’d want to spend more time getting to know each other in the capacity of partners, rather than as Wife and Handmaid—you get me? Wait to propose until you’re on your feet, and you have a job can offer some financial support. She’s going to have a baby in 7 months and won’t be able to work for a few months, so you have to think of these things. I know I’m a complete wet blanket here, but I’m always going to tell you the truth. What’s your hurry, anyway? No one’s trying to steal her away from you. Love Serena every day, and show her every day how much you love her. That’s all any woman really wants.”

June nodded, considering what Rita had just said. "Ok. " she said finally. "So I need a job, and with how far from civilization we are, I think I'll need to work from home. Maybe I can find some editing work. Then I could take care of Hannah, help Serena as much as possible, and help take care of the house. Hey, how about I cook dinner tonight? I don't feel right letting you do the cooking like you used to. You’re our friend. Not our servant."

“You’re so sweet June—wanting to take care of everyone, and all we want is for you to take care of yourself. It’s still early yet—if you stay in bed all day and behave—and I mean behave—we can discuss you helping with dinner. And I don’t feel like I’m your maid—I feel like I’m part of your family. Now, I got you a present.” Rita handed June a tattered copy of To Kill A Mockingbird. “It’s such a pleasure to read again—I think I stayed up half the night finishing it and I thought you’d like it too.” June thanked her for the book and opened it greedily, devouring each sentence on the page like it was the richest, darkest, most sinful chocolate on the planet.

Serena was making herself a cup of ginger tea when Rita came in with June’s plates. “Hey, how’s your stomach? Can I put these dishes in the sink or is it going to set you off?” Rita asked.

“It’s fine—everyone has to live their lives—no need to baby me. I’ll cope,” Serena said, brooding.

“All right Serena—what is it—come on, you can talk to me,” Rita encouraged.

“I have a bad feeling that I can’t shake. I don’t think we’re going to get off scot-free. We killed Fred and dumped his body in the river. I had a nightmare about him last night. He was screaming—begging me to save him and I was just frozen to the spot. It was pretty awful and I woke up in a cold sweat,” Serena said shivering.

“Well, it isn’t every day that you kill your husband. You’d be pretty cold-blooded if you didn’t feel anything,” Rita surmised.

“Do you…feel any guilt?” Serena asked.

“Me? Fuck no. That prick had it coming. Making the first Handmaid kill herself, raping June every month and taking her to Jezebel’s to be his whore—and everything he did to you—nah, he deserved it. But I wasn’t married to him. You must have loved him at some point.”

“I did love Fred. Quite a lot, actually. Before Gilead. Then he became the only way I could exist in the world without going to the colonies. I had no useful purpose but to run a household and be his Wife. It’s sickening really, what I allowed to happen,” Serena said, frowning and taking a sip of the hot tea. “Although when you put a lobster in cold water and turn the heat on, it doesn’t realize what’s happening to him until it’s already been boiled. That’s sort of what happened to me.”

Rita put her arm on Serena’s. “Hey, we all have lots of traumatic feelings from that place—it’s normal. I’m glad you’re talking about them with me, and you should keep doing that. It’s healthy. I’ll be sharing some of my shit with you too, no doubt.”

“And I’ll be here for you when you do,” Serena said, squeezing Rita’s hand. “Now, what’s my favorite little blonde up to—did she eat her breakfast?”

“Clean plate club—of course, I had to threaten her, but it worked. I put her back in bed with a good book to read and she seems settled,” Rita said. “I told her if she stayed in bed for most of the day, I might let her help me cook dinner. She wants to make something nice for us.”

“That’s sweet and stupid, all at the same time. She’s staying in bed today. I’ll make sure of it.”

“Well, I’m going to go check on Miss Hannah—I thought I’d give her a reading lesson today,” Rita said.

“That sounds lovely. I think I’m just going to sit outside for a little while and brood over my tea,” Serena said. “I’m used to spending all my time alone and I haven’t done that in weeks. It’s affecting me.”

“Well, don’t brood too much. You’re safe, and you’re loved. That’s a lot, Serena,” Rita said.

June spent the next four hours reading, finishing the book in record time. She grinned as she saw Rita had left another on the side table, and she began hungrily delving into the first Harry Potter novel. _This is one way to get me to stay in bed all day. God I’ve missed reading!_ She read half of that one, then laid down to take a nap. It was mid-afternoon when she woke up, feeling like she was being watched. She looked around, seeing no one, but was unable to shake the sinister feeling. Something wasn't right. "Rita?" June hollered, relieved when she appeared at the door, bearing a tray.

"Good. You're awake. We’ve got grilled cheese and tomato soup for lunch—a request from your daughter." Rita set the tray down, with a fresh pitcher of ice water for June. "I see you’ve been reading. Isn't it wonderful? I've got Hannah enjoying the Pony Club books. That was a bit of a mistake on my part. She's been begging for a horse of her own all day, driving me and Serena insane. Speaking of Serena, she took Hannah to pick winter berries nearby. She came and napped with you but you were asleep." June was mildly annoyed that she’d missed the fact that Serena was in bed with her, but happy that she and her daughter were having fun in the snow. She began to eat her lunch, spooning the soup into her mouth with a smile on her face.

"This is very good." June grinned. She finished lunch and asked Rita if Moira was still pissed. 

"Hell no. I gave her a talking to. She's not ever going to act like a fucking idiot again" Rita stole an ice cube, crunching it between her teeth. "Don't worry. She's fine."

Serena and Hannah were trudging through the snow, each holding a small cup, searching for winterberries. Serena used to gather the plants when she was a child for decorations around the house, and she thought it was worth a look. Plus, it felt nice to be outdoors in the brisk air, and sharing special time with Hannah. “Look Serena—are these the berries we’re looking for?” Hannah asked pointing to red berries on a bush with sharp, pointed leaves.

“Those are holly berries, and they’re pretty, but we don’t eat them because they’re poison. In fact, we never put any berries in our mouths that we gather unless I tell you they’re safe, ok?” Serena admonished.

“I promise—I won’t, unless I ask you.”

“Good girl. Now over, here—these are the berries we’re looking for. We can’t eat these either, but they are beautiful plants. I think we can snip off a few cuttings and bring them inside and put them in a jar or a vase. It will make the table look nice,” Serena explained, kneeling down to cut a couple of branches off the bush. She heard a loud crack behind her and turned to see a very large bear standing within 20 feet of her. She was trying to remember what to do if she found a bear, but any survival information she might have had was swirling in her brain and making no sense. “Hannah—run to the house—run right now, really fast and get Rita and tell her to bring her gun.”


	25. How to scare away a bear, and other survival tips

Hannah took off like she was being chased by the devil and screamed “Help! Rita! Mommy! There’s a bear and he’s going to eat Serena!”

June and Rita snapped to attention when they heard Hannah's terrified screams and Serena calling after her. "Bear!!!! There’s a bear!"

When the bear saw Hannah take off, he started to follow her, but Serena made a move to distract him. She made eye contact with the bear and started talking to him. “Ok, Mr. Bear, you must be confused because you’re supposed to be hibernating,” Serena said, waving her arms around herself, trying to let the bear know that she wasn’t prey or predator. “She’s just a little girl—you don’t want her, so look at me.” Serena was terrified. All she could think of was that tiny baby in her belly wasn’t going to have a chance after all because she was going to be a snack for this confused bear.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Rita on the porch, banging pots and pans together and making a huge ruckus. June had joined her and they were screaming and yelling to scare the bear away. It worked, and just as suddenly as it had appeared, the bear ran off into the woods. Serena sank down into she snow, relieved, and full of adrenalin. _Fuck, that was scary_. Rita was running towards her while June and Hannah waited inside for them.

“Come on Grizzly Adams—that’s enough excitement for one afternoon,” Rita said as she pulled Serena up from the ground. “Oh my god you’re shaking like a leaf. Come on inside. I’ll light a fire and make you some tea and you can calm down. You’ll have a great story to tell someday though—how you squared off with a bear and saved your girlfriend’s daughter.”

“Yeah, great story,” Serena said, shaking and shivering, her teeth chattering noisily. She followed Rita into the house and June helped her off with her coat and boots and wrapped her in a quilt, and wrapped her arms around her.

“June, you need to be back in bed—I’m fine,” Serena said--and no one believed her.

"I'm not going to bed. I'm going to stay here, and show you that you're safe until those teeth stop chattering. Shhhh…my love. It’s all over and you’re ok. Shhhhhh…”

Serena was really, really freaked out about the bear. It was making her wonder if this was such a good idea—living out here, in the middle of nowhere. At least no one would recognize her, but if she had to confront bears on a regular basis, she wasn’t sure she’d be able to handle it. And what was she thinking? Standing up to the bear like she knew what she was doing? She was going to have read up on handling different types of wildlife if they were going to live here for a while. June was being sweet and trying to comfort her, and Hannah was bringing her hot cocoa that tasted like she put half the bottle of chocolate syrup in it, but the sugar was good for shock, so she tried to drink as much as she could handle.

When the shivering finally stopped and she didn’t feel like her teeth were going to chatter out of her head, she pulled the blanket off her shoulder, and June pulled her back to lie in her arms. Hannah had returned with a book that she handed to June to read out loud to them. The three of them cuddled on the couch together, June’s voice lulling Serena to sleep. She had been so scared, that when the adrenalin crashed, she crashed. It served the double purpose of keeping June off her feet and lying down, so when she woke up an hour later, Hannah was setting the table for dinner and Rita was carrying the food out. Serena sat up and rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. “Give me just a minute and I’ll be right back.” Serena went into the bathroom to splash cold water on her face and brush her teeth. When she came back everyone was sitting at the table waiting for her before starting. She sat down and Rita asked her if she could say grace. “Thank you, lord, for all the blessings you have brought on our family, for keeping us safe and together, and for giving us this delicious dinner prepared by blessed hands. And if I could ask you to keep the bears away from our house, I’d be grateful. Amen”

Rita had made baked chicken with green beans and sweet potatoes—comfort food for a day when Serena definitely needed it. Serena was actually hungry for the first time that day, so she went back for seconds after it looked like everyone had what they wanted. Rita smirked at her as she passed the dishes to her. “Well, I am eating for two, you know.”

"Yes. Yes, you are, my love," June said, placing a gentle kiss on Serena’s cheek.

"Mommy, are you guys kissing again?" Hannah asked, squealing and covering her eyes. "You're always doing that! Even more than you and daddy!" June's eyes clouded and her smile vanished. 

“I’m just going to go get some fresh air after dinner,” June said, getting up from the table abruptly and heading out to the porch to sit. She stared up at the sky, eyes clouding and tears threatening to fall. She loved Luke. She knew she wasn’t replacing him. But what if Hannah felt that way? What if Luke was still alive? What if they ran into him one day, and June had to decide? June didn't notice Serena was beside her until she felt her hand squeeze her shoulder. "Sorry. What Hannah said, kinda pinched a nerve. " June whispered. "I really miss him."

Serena kept her hand on June’s shoulder and wrapped one arm around her waist. It broke her heart to see June in pain. She’d thought about this too—what if Luke were alive? _What would June do? Of course she’d pick her husband—go back to their life before Gilead stole it all from her—ripped her baby out of her arms and put her through hell at the Red Center—training to be a sex slave—all in the name of a higher purpose._ _It was all shit—all of it—and we ruined her life over it_.

June’s tears ran down her face as she grieved the man she loved, married, had a child with--had a life with. June was lucky to have had a love like that—it doesn’t happen often in life, and at least she had it—for a little while. June turned around and buried her head in Serena’s chest, her tears coming faster, and hotter. Serena caressed her hair, rubbed her back, wishing for anything that she could take this pain from her. “It’s normal to feel sad, June. Just because you love me, doesn’t take any of that away. You shared a life with him—a child with him. And you don’t even know if he’s dead or alive. It would be weird if you weren’t sad. Hannah didn’t mean anything by it—she just thinks kissing is gross, period, regardless of who’s kissing.”

June looked up at Serena with a sad expression. "I love you so much. But I am so sad right now. I…I miss my husband. And I feel guilty for missing him, because I don’t want you to think that it means I love you any less. He was a good man—a good father. I never had time to properly grieve him. I feel...broken. Like I'm betraying him somehow. I suck, Serena," June breathed. Burying her face in Serena’s neck. "I'm a horrible wife to him. A terrible girlfriend to you, and a horrible mother to Hannah. She doesn’t even understand what happened to her own father and neither do I!"

“Shhh sweetheart, please, none of that is true,” Serena said. “You’re the best mother in the world and Hannah loves you. As for being a bad wife, I hardly think that’s true. From everything I know, which isn’t much, you two loved each other a lot and if you hadn’t been taken captive, you’d still be together now. You can’t know if he’s dead or alive, but if you want to find him, I will help you—I swear. And as for being a bad girlfriend? I’ve never had one before, so I have nothing to compare you to—but I feel the love you have for me. You make me feel beautiful, and special, and treasured, and you never miss the chance to tell me that I’m your world. That’s pretty freaking amazing. I mean, pancakes in bed would be good too, but you’re not up to that yet, so I’ll cut you some slack until you’re walking around on two feet. Come on--let’s go inside. It’s too cold, and you’ll catch a chill.”

Serena led June into the house, where Hannah promptly came over and asked her mom if she could hug her. June sat on the couch so she wouldn’t have to bend down and Hannah came over and wrapped her little arms around her mother. “I’m sorry mommy—I didn’t mean to make you feel sad about daddy. You can kiss Serena all you want. But I miss daddy.”

June smiled at Hannah. "It’s ok sweetheart. I know you didn’t mean to make me sad. I miss daddy too,” she said, kissing Hannah’s cheek. June broke off for a minute, a lump in her throat. "How about you and Rita go make Daisy’s dinner? " June turned, standing slowly when Hannah scampered off. She felt Serena’s arm around her shoulders and followed her into the bedroom. "Do you think Luke is angry with me? For choosing you? Do you think he would understand and maybe, forgive me?" June startled as Serena pulled away from her. "Serena....I didn't mean it that way! Hey...no. No. Don't...Serena. Where are you going? It was an honest question! It was nothing against you! I’m sorry!" June watched dejectedly as Serena got her coat on and went towards the back door. Rita intercepted her before she left. 

"What the hell happened in there? You're running out of here like a bat out of hell,” Rita said.

“Because I’m going to say something that’s not kind and I had to get away from June,” Serena said. “She is raw, she is broken, and I’m not a therapist. She feels better for a couple of hours and she decides tonight is the time to dissect her feelings for Luke. Wants me to tell her if Luke is mad at her. Wants me to tell her that she’s making the right decision by being with me. Rita, you know me—this is a fucking lot for an emotionally inept woman. It’s like the June we both knew in Gilead—the strong, snarky, go fuck yourself kind of person has turned into someone who has no sense of herself—no sense of her value. She thinks she’s responsible for every terrible thing that happens. It’s exhausting trying to constant prop her up.”

Rita couldn’t resist a smirk as she responded. “This is a very, very fucked up situation—no doubt. It is unique, and we don’t have a play book—none of us do. You have been taking care of June for weeks, and it’s wearing on you. She’s very fragile and needy right now, and I know you—those are two words that are not in your DNA. But I need to tell you that you’ve been so awesome with her. I get it—you need a breather. You probably feel super guilty about Luke too and knowing how noble you are, you would step aside in a heartbeat if being with Luke was what June wanted.” Rita gave Serena a quick hug.

“I’m going to get June into counseling asap—it’s important,” Rita said. “Out of all of us, she’s unravelling the fastest. You and I are cockroaches—you can’t kill us. But June’s heart is so tender—so fragile. She can’t stand the idea of hurting you or Luke—even if he’s dead.”

“I think we need to find out if he’s dead or alive. I can’t live with the Sword of Damocles hanging over my head for the foreseeable future. I’m not going to put my own selfish needs before hers--for once, I’m going to do the right thing,” Serena said, her mouth set in a grim line.

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but you’ve been doing the right thing for three weeks straight. You helped us all escape, you’ve protected June and saved her life several times. Selfish Serena is nowhere in sight. Girl, I’m proud of you,” Rita said. “Now, about June. Let me go in and talk with her—I’m neutral. You help Hannah take Daisy out and settle them for the night and by the time you’re done, you’ll be calmer, and I’ll have talked to June and you can go and try again to de-escalate and just get some rest. Love each other. Focus on the things you can do—a day at a time. And I do think we should find out about Luke. Hannah needs to know as well as June. And you too.”

“Rita, I don’t know what I’d do without you. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had in my life. You understand me and love me even when I’m shitty to you,” Serena said.

“I see your heart, Serena, and it’s good and strong and steady. June needs that. So do I. Now scoot and take Daisy out before she pees on the floor again. Stay close to the house and mind the bear.” Serena shivered at the thought of the bear, but steeled her nerves to face her fears.

“Good luck Rita. I’m counting on you.”

“I got this, Serena. Don’t be gone too long,” Rita admonished.

June waited, pacing the room and trying not to cry. She’d made Serena leave. She’d sent the woman she loved away. It was clear in her mind that Serena no longer loved her, no longer cared about her. No longer wanted anything to do with her. She shouldn't have said she still cared about Luke. He’s dead and he’s never coming back. But Serena...June hadn’t seen that much anger in her eyes since the time Fred had taken her to Jezebel’s. She sobbed, walking into the bathroom and locking the door, shutting the light off so she was in total darkness. She lay on the big fluffy bath rug, letting her tears fall. She was exhausted, and terrified that she was going to lose Serena. She probably would. She hadn't even said anything to her. She just left.

"June?" Rita’s voice called. June stayed still, silent, not wanting to see anyone, least of all Rita, who was probably just coming to tell her Serena had left--for good. She felt physically sick. Lost. All she wanted was Serena’s arms around her, but she supposed that wasn't happening anytime soon. The bathroom handle rattled, but even if Rita could open it, she wouldn’t get the door open, as June was lying stubbornly in front of it.

"Go away Rita" June hissed. "Just...go. Alright? I know I fucked up. I don't need to hear it."

While Rita was trying to coax June out of the bathroom, Serena and Hannah were outside with Daisy. Serena was coaching Hannah on not letting Daisy yank her around on the leash—she was the one who was in charge. “Just give a quick pull when she yanks on you. That’s right! And do it whenever she tries to run while you have the leash on her. Don’t pull too hard. Yes, like that.” Hannah practiced keeping Daisy at a steady walk instead of an all-out run. Once Daisy had done her business, they walked back into the house, went upstairs, and Serena helped Hannah into her pajamas and supervised her brushing her teeth. As she tucked the little girl in bed, Hannah put her arms around Serena’s neck and said, “I love you Serena. Thank you for taking care of me and mom.”

“Of course, sweetheart. I love you, so it’s my job,’ Serena said, smiling. “Now have a good sleep, and I’ll see you in the morning, ok? And good night to you too, Daisy,” Serena said to the passed-out puppy curled in her dog bed.

Meanwhile, back in June and Serena’s room, the tensions were high. “June, I’m going to ask you one time, to open this door, right now. You’re a grown-ass woman, and you’re being childish,” Rita said.

June thought long and hard about whether she should open the door. Rita had a point—it was pretty childish and gosh, if Hannah did something like locking herself in the bathroom, she’d be scared and furious. Finally, after a few long minutes of decision making, June turned the lock and opened the door. She was met by Rita, who was still waiting, arms crossed, and June swore her foot was tapping. June made her way over to the bed and laid down. She really wasn’t feeling that great—all that crying and freaking out had taken a toll on her. She braced herself for whatever Rita was going to say.

Rita sat on the edge of the bed and said, “I don’t have an easy way to say this, so I’m ripping the band-aid off. Ever since that horrible day when the Aunts tried to hang you and the other Handmaids, you’ve been a complete and total physical and emotional wreck. Serena has borne the brunt of it for the entire time, but it’s become apparent to me that you need some professional help. First thing tomorrow morning, I’m going to find out what kind of counseling services they have for Gilead refugees, and I’m signing you up for everything that might be remotely helpful. Serena doesn’t have a degree in counselling, and while I’ve never seen her be more patient in the entire time I’ve known her, I’m afraid you have worn her to the bone. She walked out of the house because she was afraid of saying something that would hurt you—because you’re brittle and fragile. And your feelings are your feelings, and if tonight is the night you’re going to decide to feel horrible guilt about Luke, then that’s what’s happening. But you can’t ask Serena to absolve you from all your guilt. She’s here to support you, but she also has her own feelings. You two killed her husband, for fuck’s sake! Serena’s not made of stone. She loved Fred at one time. And I know for a fact if Luke were alive and you wanted to be with him, she’d never stand in your way. She’s like that—noble and shit. She loves you and puts your first.” Rita took June’s hand and covered it with her own.

“You—you have so many insecurities and fears that you are bouncing Serena’s emotions around like a tennis ball. One minute you love her with everything in your being and the next minute you’re locking yourself in the bathroom because you think you’ve ruined your relationship. Pull it together Osborne! You have a kid! And you’ve got enough on your plate just trying to get your physical and emotional health in order. You don’t need to solve every single one of your burning emotional issues today. Save something for next week, next month, next year. Serena is here and I’m here and we both love and support you. Let Serena just love you, ok? We can’t figure out Luke right now. Give it a little time. Get used to being out of Gilead. Get healthy.”

June nodded, taking a deep breath before leaning back, as she curled around Serena’s pillow. "I'm sorry Rita. I guess I was being over emotional. You’re right. I don’t know what happened, but I feel like something broke in me that day at Fenway Park. Whether it was my will or my fight or both. I've never been so scared as I was then, but I do know that Serena got me through it all. If Luke is alive, I’d like him to be part of Hannah's life, but I’m with Serena now. I love her more in a few weeks and have grown closer to her than I ever was to Luke and I know I will always choose her. And I want to wait, on the counselling thing? I think what I really need is to just get used to freedom again and be around my family. I didn’t mean to put so much onto Serena's shoulders."

“I’m not comfortable with that June. Your emotions are so up and down—it’s not healthy for you, or for any of us to be around. And I know you want your relationship with Serena to work, and for that, you need to be at the top of your mental game. She’s formidable, and you know it. She loves you, June. Quit making it so hard for her and for yourself.” Rita hugged June and left the room, the crisis having passed.


	26. Shut up

June waited for Serena to come back into the room to talk with her—she wanted to apologize—to unfuck what’s she’d fucked up. But she also realized Serena needed time herself and that she’d come back to the room in her own time. June started reading one of the books Rita had given her, and after about an hour, her eyes felt heavy. Serena still hadn’t come in yet, but she thought if she got up and tried to find her, Serena might get angrier than she already was. So she just kept reading, and before too long, she fell asleep—the book falling out of her hands.

Serena was in the living room—brooding. She knew she needed to go into the bedroom and deal with June, but she just didn’t feel like she had it in her to go another couple of rounds with June’s insecurities—and there were so many of those. Serena had her own insecurities, but she tried not to bleed them out all over the place. She thought she would stay up as late as she could, and then either sleep on the couch, or possibly crawl into bed and not wake June up—like she had this afternoon when June was napping. _This is stupid_ , she thought. _I’m being as childish as June is._

Serena got up off the couch, turned the lights off, and went into the bedroom. She quietly got undressed and put on oversized t-shirt and crawled under the covers. She turned away from June, who was sound asleep any way. Serena was still upset, but she was trying to calm own. Her usual coping mechanisms of alcohol and cigarettes were off the table, and she was finding it hard to go to sleep. Finally, she closed her eyes and imagined the tiny life inside her, sleeping peacefully. It warmed her heart and broke through a small amount of the anger that she’d been clinging to. She started to drift off, and felt June’s arm wrap around her and try to pull her in close to her body. She stiffened immediately, and it took every bit of self-control not to tell June to get the fuck off of her. Instead, she waited until June fell back asleep, removed her arm and moved away as far away from her as she could. She hoped that June would just stay asleep and leave her alone. And she hoped that somehow her anger would dissipate during the night—but she knew it probably wouldn’t.

June woke the next morning, her head throbbing, knowing the day was going to be one of her bad days. She moved towards Serena to wrap her arms around her, but Serena shook her off, anger radiating off of her body. "Good morning, Serena," June said, taking a less touchy approach. 

”Shut up,” Serena said, her voice cold and distant.

“Shut up? "What's gotten into you?" June asked with an edge to her voice.

“I didn’t get any sleep last night because I was too angry, and I had to keep moving you off of me when you tried to hold me. When I’m mad, I can’t stand to be touched, but I didn’t want to scream at you in your sleep—you were just doing what you always do, but I wasn’t feeling reciprocal. So I’ve been annoyed all night and holding it in, and you said good morning, and I said shut up. Is there anything else you’d like me to explain to you?” Serena said, still refusing to turn and look at June.

June looked at the back of Serena’s head, trying to bite back the retort that came to her mind. No such luck. "Yes, actually. How about you explain why you are being such a fucking bitch to me? Look, I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t be throwing my baggage on you. You’ll never hear anything from me again. I promise. Now can we move on from this? I love you damn it. Just let me!" June reached out to touch her, but Serena pulled away.

"Don't make promises you can't keep, June. You are completely incapable of not broadcasting your feelings 24/7. One minute I'm everything to you--all you've ever dreamed of, and the next minute, you're convinced I'm never going to return your feelings, or I don't love you. Maybe I don't say things all the time like you do. But I fucking show up. I do the hard stuff. But there will be some days where you've pissed me off so fucking hard that I don't want you to touch me--is that a crime?”

June shook her head. She felt the tears fill her eyes and she moved away from Serena. "I never said you don’t love me—ok, back in Gilead I did. But I didn’t fully trust you yet. But I do now. Don’t accuse me of not loving you…" Serena’s raised her hand and June flinched reflexively before she realized Serena was only asking for silence.

"I'm not going to hit you June, for Christ's sake. And I'm not accusing you of not loving me--I know you love me. But you doubt us all the fucking time. One sour word, or raised hand you're having the vapors, crying and upset, locking yourself in the bathroom and making Rita referee for us. If we can't have an argument every now and then, I don't know how you think we’re going to be able to be together.” Serena stopped talking suddenly and ran to the bathroom, slammed the door, and June could hear the sound of violent retching from the other side.

June moved slowly, starting to walk towards the bathroom to help Serena, before remembering she didn’t want to be touched. Not by her at least. She lay back down, waiting until Serena emerged from the bathroom, trying not to be overly solicitous. "I’m sorry. alright? I don’t do well with anger. Gilead kind of fucked that up for me. And I’m still coming to terms with the fact that you wouldn’t physically hurt me now."

Still not feeling well, Serena got back into bed and under the covers, sitting up and wishing with every fiber of her being that June would just stop having all these fucking feelings all over the place. "Listen June. I'm capable of being, kind, understanding, patient--even loving apparently. But I have a fuse, and it has burnt the hell out. This roller coaster, ping pong game you're playing has to stop. Stop planning our future, and start living in the present and participate in that. Work with what's right here, in front of you. I'm not perfect, and neither are you. I've been trying so fucking hard to be sweet and nice and understanding--and I want to be all those things. But when the tank is empty, it's empty. I'm fucking exhausted and I feel like shit. I ...I'm so tired. And I'm fucking scared too. We have no money, I'm a fucking war criminal, and I have a very bad feeling about being here. I don't feel safe.”

She heard the exhaustion and the complete absence of hope in Serena’s voice. "You’re right—we’re not going to solve everything in a day. I’m sorry for all the emotions. It is a lot—even for me. Just...lie down and rest now, ok? I want you to feel better. The morning sickness is really kicking your ass." June placed a hand on Serena's shoulder, not surprised when the other woman jerked away from her. "I’ll just give you some space." June stood, slowly, feeling the air rush from her head. She leaned on the dresser for a moment, before steadying herself and walking down the hall to the living room, and curling up on the couch with a sad expression on her face. _How the fuck can I fix this?_

As soon as she heard June close the door to the bedroom, Serena clutched a pillow and sobbed, doing her best to muffle the sound. The last thing she wanted was to have June hear her crying. She was certain it must be the hormones. That and the fact that she felt horrible about fighting with June. She hated it. She hated that she had no fucking patience. She hated that being kind didn’t come easily to her—that it sometimes took work. It was easy to be sweet to Hannah—it was even easy to be sweet to Rita. But sometimes June really pushed her to that terrible place. It happened in Gilead more often than she cared to remember—but June couldn’t seem to forget what she’d done to her there and she kept getting triggered. _Fuck!_ Serena cried harder and harder, releasing all of the pain, and the fear and the sadness that she’d been stuffing for weeks. And those fucking nightmares about Fred were torturing her—that’s why she couldn’t sleep really, although June trying to cuddle with her didn’t help—but it wasn’t quite as infuriating as she’d made it sound when she was spewing venom at her. The tears finally slowed, and she fell asleep exhausted. When she woke up later in the afternoon, her stomach felt more settled, and she felt normal—well, not furious. And ashamed. She decided to take a shower and wash off all the ugliness of the past day.

June spent most of the day lying on the couch. She read with Hannah, picked at her lunch, and napped. Her heart was slightly broken. She hadn’t realized that her need for constant physical affection was tearing Serena down. She decided from that she'd do her best not to constantly ask for affection, and try to wait for Serena to initiate it. She’d even try not to cuddle up to her while she slept, although she knew that was going to be a losing proposition. She'd even offer to sleep in a different room, if that’s what Serena needed to feel safe. She didn’t want to drive Serena away, and it seemed like that’s what she’d been doing. A soft bark sounded on the ground and June bent to pick Daisy up, holding her close. "Hey girl, " she whispered, wiping her eyes.

June cuddled the dog for a few minutes, until Daisy suddenly bounded out of June’s arms and ran up to Serena, who had just come out of their bedroom. Serena laughed, bent down to pick up Daisy, and then promptly returned him to June’s arms where he’d been before she came out and startled him. Serena sat down next to June, searching for the right words to say. “I’m sorry June. I’m sorry I hurt you with my words and my temper. I’ll try to do better going forward. I…I love you.” Serena deposited a light kiss on June’s cheek and hoped her peace offering would be accepted.

June leaned her head against Serena's, longing to wrap her arms around her and beg for forgiveness, but she held back, not wanting to be too needy. "I’m sorry too. I know I can be clingy, especially when I don’t feel well, or my emotions are running high. I'll make more of an effort not to be like that, ok?" she whispered, fighting the tears that threatened to fall.

"Can you hold me, please?" Serena asked quietly, very uncomfortable with making the request, but knowing she'd scared June off so much that she needed to ask first. She felt June's arms slide around her body, and she melted into her, wanting to feel close after their terrible fight. After a long while, Serena pulled away just enough to kiss June's lips and whisper her thanks for loving her even when she was awful.

"I'll always love you." June whispered. "And that’s a promise I can keep. June felt tears drip down her cheeks, and she hurried to wipe them away before Serena saw, not wanting to cause her even more guilt. "I’m sorry I suck at this whole girlfriend thing. Maybe the next time you need space or are feeling prickly, you could let me know?”

"You're right June. I have to tell you what I need. I was just afraid you'd start crying and saying that I didn't love you and it’s over and all the stuff you say when you're insecure--and I didn't want to hurt you. But I let everything build up over the past few very stressful weeks and it just exploded--it was a last straw kind of thing. I will ask for space before it gets bad like that again. I’ll work on managing my temper and de-escalating the situation. Please understand that sometimes, I will have to physically leave the room to calm down—but I will always come back. Maybe not in 10 minutes, maybe not in 10 hours—but I will always come back to work out whatever we were arguing about.”

“I know I have a lot of baggage--from Gilead—and from before, if I’m honest,” June admitted. “I have a lot of shit to work through, and unfortunately, part of that means I'm going to be jumpy, flighty, and nervous. I am not scared of you. It's just that sometimes, I still have to separate you from Mrs. Waterford in my mind, and that isn’t easy to do when I'm scared, or in pain."

"Of course, June. I understand. And just because I love you--and I do love you--doesn't mean that I can't be a fucking asshole to you sometimes. And very Mrs. Waterford-like. I have a ton of baggage to work through too. I'm having nightmares about what we did to Fred, and I...I feel so guilty about what I did to you. June, I really do love you and I want to try, but I'm scared I'm not going to be able to be a normal person in a normal relationship. Let’s face it. I’m pretty emotionally fucked up.”

"You haven’t cornered the market on being emotionally fucked up—I think we’re both in the same boat. I’ve certainly changed tremendously since Gilead. I don’t even recognize myself hardly sometimes. But maybe we can try--together?" June's voice was tinged with hope. She rested her head on Serena's chest, tears in her eyes. "We can work through it together. Try not to worry too much about Fred. The fucker had it coming. You’re not like him. I see the light in your heart. Don’t give up on yourself, Serena. Because I’ll never give up on you."

Serena took June's face in both of her hands and brought their lips together, pouring all of the love and forgiveness and hope that she was feeling into their kiss. She wrapped her arm around June and pulled her body close to hers, feeling the warmth June's body was throwing off. She ran her hands over June's back, lingering a little at the base of her spine, causing June to moan. The absence of their physical closeness, combined with almost an entire day of fighting, made their bodies come together like a magnet to steel. Serena lowered her lips to June's neck causing her to shiver and pull Serena's head closer to her neck. "June, can we?" she whispered.

June nodded, and Serena stood up, took June's hand and led her back to the bedroom, locking the door behind them. "We've got to be quiet...Hannah’s still up." June said, her voice muffled against Serena's skin. Her hands travelled down Serena's back, moving to pull the sweater over Serena's head. She placed kisses on Serena's chest, resting her head there and listening to Serena's heartbeat. "I love you." She whispered, traveling upwards and kissing Serena's neck, a gentle moan leaving her body as Serena gripped her ass. "Love...please...." She whispered, melting under Serena's touch.

Serena pulled June's nightgown over her head and finished taking the rest of her clothes off. She needed to feel June's skin against hers like she needed to breathe. She needed to claim her as her own, and her strong, sure hands, fondled her breasts and bent down to suck a nipple in her mouth. June hissed as Serena's hand moved between her legs, parting her thighs, and covering her mound with her hand. She slid two fingers inside June, and worked her clit with her thumb. She couldn't wait to see June come apart, and she was doing everything in her power to make it happen. She was so turned on by feeling June's wetness, the stiffness of her clit and her walls tightening against her fingertips, that she started saying all the things June longed to hear from her. "I love you, baby,” she whispered, fucking her harder. “ I want to spend the rest of my life with you. It's just you--only you."

June came apart, calling out Serena’s name, her eyes rolling back with the force of her orgasm. June held Serena against her in a vice grip. "I love you...Serena..." She kissed Serena deeply. "Just give me a couple of minutes, and then I’ll show you…oh, well, ok…wow, that’s sexy.”

"I can't wait," Serena said, plunging two fingers inside herself and using her other hand to rub her clit in a practiced manner. She laid on her side so June could watch, her eyes glued to Serena's hands. It only took a minute before Serena convulsed and closed her legs tightly, riding out every moment of pleasure. She removed her fingers and June took her hand and licked every drop, then rolled into Serena's waiting arms.

"Not fair" June whispered, her head spinning, though not throbbing as badly as it had been earlier. “Although it was an excellent show."


	27. A Taste of Normal Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Domestic tranquilty--for now.

Serena and June enjoyed a carefree evening, and the next couple of weeks were actually almost ‘normal’, whatever that was. June was feeling stronger, and was able to stand and walk around for periods of time without getting dizzy. She still tired easily, so she and Serena had taken to having afternoon naps together, which invariably included making love. They didn’t talk about it much, but both of them felt a dread that something would happen to smash their happiness to bits, and destroy the bond they’d forged. Serena talked to Rita about one day when they had a few minutes to themselves.

“It’s like waiting for the axe to fall. I don’t feel safe and I definitely don’t feel free,” Serena confessed.

“I get it—June and I are pretty much in the clear, but they have been looking for a high-profile figure to make an example of. Whether they want to blame you for war crimes, or perhaps get you to turn on Gilead remains to be seen. Do you really think they’re going to come for you?” Rita asked, looking worried.

“I do. I’ve thought about taking off and hiding myself for a while, and if I had your survival skills, I would. But let’s face it. I’m not a sympathetic character in this story. No one will help me when they know who I am and what I’ve done. So I’m just staying here with all of you and stealing a few moments of happiness, while I still can.”

“What will you do if they catch you?” Rita asked. “And what the fuck will I do with little blondie if you’re in custody—she’ll fall apart—her brain will literally split in two.”

“I know…she’ll have a very hard time, but you need to keep her from being stupid. Take care of her and Hannah, and I’ll take care of myself. I have information to bargain with—if they’re interested. And I am carrying a child. But if they want to give me their worst punishment, there’s nothing any of us can do.”

“Do you think they’ll send you back to Gilead?”

“No, I don’t. They know I’ll be killed as soon as I step on Gilead soil. They’re more humane than that. But they can lock me up for life and throw away the key,” Serena said, sadly. Rita gave Serena a reassuring hug, and told her to stay strong. And if something did happen to her, they’d figure out a way to help her get free. In the meantime, they would enjoy their happy family life as best they could.

June was in the kitchen making tea when Hannah came running in to tell her that Daisy learned a new trick. She smiled, watched the dog perform a very confused version of 'sit' then went back to setting up the tea tray. She carried the tray into the library where Serena was reading, placed it on the desk and kissed her cheek.

Serena smiled when June walked in. Since June had been feeling better, she’d been very good about helping with household chores, and, in general, doting on Serena. And since Serena had been having a rough first trimester, spending half of each day dreadfully nauseous, it was much appreciated. There were moments when Serena let herself hope that the authorities would leave her alone. She’d been allowed to have June’s embryo implanted into her for crying out loud—maybe they don’t think of her as a war criminal? There were no extradition treaties between Canada and Gilead, so if she were to be taken into custody, it would likely be to get her to share valuable information on Gilead—which she could trade for immunity. She had spent several late nights with Rita and June talking through all the possibilities of what might happen to Serena, and contingency plans. They really had no idea how to plan for such an eventuality, but Serena thought it best that they talk openly about it instead of pretending that everything was fine.

“Thank you, June. It’s very sweet of you to bring me tea.” Serena put her book down, and accepted the cup from June. They’d settled into a very domestic, sweet life, and everyone was relieved to be free from Gilead, and it felt amazing to be on their own.

“I’m making for dinner tonight—I made the dough myself,” June said proudly. She’d always loved baking and she was happy to be able to cook for her family.

“Well that’s good news—for me anyway. Since dinner is the only meal that stays down, I always look forward to it.” June kissed her on the lips, told her once again that she loved her, and started to leave. Serena pulled her back and kissed her again. “I love you, June. Thank you for taking such good care of me. I’ll be showing my appreciation to you tonight.” Serena winked and smiled wickedly at June, making her blush. As June stumbled out of the library, Serena went back to her book and her tea and enjoyed a peaceful afternoon.

June was still blushing when she returned to the kitchen, where Rita was busy baking yet another batch of chocolate chip cookies. Hannah was perched on the counter, grinning from ear to ear as she snitched dough balls when Rita’s back was turned. 

June suddenly had a bright idea, snagging a plate full of cookies and dashing off towards the library. "Hey, babe, Rita just made these and they’re amazing! Do you want to try one?"

Serena looked up from her book, and the smell of the cookies wafted towards her nose. She took a cookie from the plate, bit into it, and moaned in appreciation. “You can just leave that plate right there. I’ll find a home for those cookies.” Serena’s smile was radiant and it warmed June’s heart from top to bottom. They shared a chocolatey kiss and June went back to cooking dinner. Serena was on her third cookie before she made herself stop. It had been so long since she’d been able to indulge in one of her more sinful habits, and since smoking was out of the question, she was finding Rita’s baking to be a most excellent substitute. She wasn’t gaining much weight yet, so she didn’t see any harm in it. And, it was much more important that she not smoke, and well, she had to have some sort of vice. She went back to her book and in about an hour, Hannah came into the library, with Daisy on her heels. “Serena, it’s time for pizza! Mommy let me put the toppings on myself—come on!” Serena laughed and took Hannah’s hand and let the little girl lead her to the table where June and Rita were just finishing putting the food on the table. Salad because they needed vegetables, and pizza because June was being extra sweet.

"I tried, but failed at making homemade ranch dressing, but luckily we had a bottle in the cabinet. I hope you like the pizza." June leaned over and kissed Serena, squeezing her hand and smiling as she looked into her gentle eyes.

“It’s only my favorite food in the world that doesn’t have sugar in it,” Serena confessed. June served the pizza to everyone, dividing it evenly. Hannah was alternating between eating her pizza and chattering excitedly about the snow fort she’d made with Daisy. Serena was listening happily, and Rita was trying to keep the dog from stealing food.

“I’m going to have to enforce a rule about Daisy and begging at the table,” Rita said trying to be stern. “Now I know she’s a puppy, but she does need to learn to leave us alone when we’re at the eating—don’t you agree, Serena?”

Serena had taken a bite of pizza, and was surprised at the question. She chewed carefully, taking her time, and looking at Hannah and June’s eyes staring at her—and Rita’s which were glaring at her. “Well, all dogs want to be properly trained—they like to please their owners, and they don’t like being yelled at. So I think it’s a good idea. There’s nothing worse than a poorly trained dog that jumps on people, steals food, and begs at the table. But then again, he is just a puppy. There isn’t any rush is there? Maybe we can get a book or something. Has anyone here ever trained a dog?” Rita raised her hand. “Of course you have. All right, everyone, do you agree that Rita needs to be in charge of training?”

“But Serena, I just want to have fun with Daisy—training sounds like work!” Hannah said.

“Oh no, honey! Training is fun for the Daisy because when she does what you want her to do, you give her a treat. I think you and Daisy will have a great time together, teaching her how to come when you call her, to sit, to stay, to get down…it’s not going to be that bad—I promise.”

June smiled as she watched this whole interaction. It was adorable how much Hannah loved Serena, and the feeling was clearly mutual. It was everything she could have hoped for. When everyone was finished eating, Serena shooed everyone out of the kitchen so she could clean up the dishes. “Go pick out a movie and start watching it--I haven’t done a thing all day so I’m on clean up. Go on--scoot!” Rita and Hannah went into the living room to pick out a movie to watch, and June stayed behind to help with the dishes. Serena thought about kicking her out, but she was grateful for her company and her help.

June came up behind her at the sink and wrapped her arms around her, letting them wander a little low, below her waist, earning her a swat with the dishtowel. “You’ll just have to wait for your dessert, young lady.”

June pouted a little and placed a kiss on Serena's cheek. She began wiping the dishes, keeping close to Serena’s side. As she put the last dish away, Serena decided to reward June for her help, and took her in her arms, and started kissing her neck and shoulders. “Stop that!" June giggled, feeling Serena gently nip her ear. "That tickles.” Serena continued to kiss June’s neck, and nibble her ears, despite June’s half-hearted protests.

“I hope they picked a short movie.” Serena said softly into June’s ear. “I’m pretty hungry for dessert.” June giggled and squirmed, but clearly loved all the attention Serena was showing her. She was pretty sure it was the pregnancy hormones driving at least some of Serena’s increased desire for sex. And whatever the reason, June was pretty happy about that. “Fine, fine…we’ll go watch the movie. You better sit apart from me, because I can’t be responsible for where my hands roam,” Serena said, stealing one more kiss from June before she completely wiggled away from her, scurried into the living room and plopped onto the couch in between Rita and Hannah. Serena sat in the comfy wing chair and tried to focus on the movie, but her eyes kept roaming towards June. She couldn’t wait until it was time for lights out.

June kept looking over at Serena, too. She laughed as Hannah jumped from her lap and bounded over to Serena, curling up in her lap and staring at the TV. Serena snuggled with the little girl and settled in to watch the rest of the movie. Hannah fell asleep half way through, and Serena whispered to June and Rita that they should finish the movie tomorrow night and get Hannah to bed. Serena woke Hannah up gently and they all went upstairs together. Serena got Hannah’s pajamas out, and June supervised the tooth brushing. They each kissed Hannah goodnight, and went downstairs, holding hands.

“After you,” Serena said, gesturing for June to walk into the bedroom first. Serena closed the door behind them and locked, it, and leaned up against it for a moment. Serena closed the distance between them and wrapped her arms around June’s waist. “I’ve been waiting all day for this,” she said, her voice tinged with desire. She took June’s face in her hands, and kissed her deeply, her body humming with desire, while she unbuttoned June’s shirt and let it fall to the floor. Serena’s lips never left June’s as she unbuttoned and unzipped her jeans and pushed them down past her hips. She walked June backwards until her calves hit the side of the bed and sat her down. She knelt down beside June, and pulled her jeans off the rest of the way. June grabbed the bottom of Serena’s sweater and pulled it over her head, and tried to get the rest of Serena’s clothes off, but Serena had other things on her mind that were more pressing. “Shh…let me. I have to show my appreciation for the cookies,” Serena said smiling, and unhooking June’s bra. She stroked June’s breasts and teased her nipples—just to get her attention—and then grabbed her thighs and pulled her right to the edge of the bed and slid her panties off and tossed them onto the floor. “Lay down, please,” Serena said, sliding her arm up June’s torso and gently pushing her to lay on the bed, and then resumed her spot between June’s legs. Serena placed soft kisses on her mound, and then, sensing her impatience, covered her pussy with her mouth, and running her tongue up and down her slit. Serena drank in every drop of June’s arousal, moaning as she pushed her mouth harder up against June’s pussy, and finally—finally focused on June’s clit, which was hard and swollen. She heard June’s moans above her, and she slid two fingers inside her, keeping them buried deep and caressing her G-spot. June moaned as she felt the pressure of Serena’s fingers, and cried out as she exploded on Serena’s hand, her body convulsing with pleasure. Serena stayed inside, and deposited soft kisses on June’s thighs while waiting for June’s body to calm down. When every bit of pleasure had been wrung out of her, she stood up, took off the rest of her clothes, and slid her body next to June’s and pulled her close, depositing kisses wherever she could reach, and running her hands all over June’s body.

June drew her fingers down Serena's front, wasting no time and sliding them inside Serena’s wetness. "Serena...let me taste you.” June moaned, moving between Serena’s legs, her tongue sliding into Serena’s pussy, reaching inside as far as she could.

“Mmmm…” Serena moaned, leaning up on her elbows so she could watch June. “That’s so nice, June--damn.” Serena’s body was swimming in desire, June’s tongue taking her higher and higher to that place where nothing else mattered by coming. “Go inside me—please,” Serena begged, gasping when June slammed three fingers inside her and started fucking her hard while her tongue continued to suck and lick her clit. “Fuck, don’t stop—like that—yeessssssss,” Serena hissed. She knew she wouldn’t last long as June kicked up the speed a notch and overwhelmed her senses until she exploded in a riot of pleasure.

June slid her body up and leaned against Serena resting her head on her chest. "Baby, do you want to take a shower with me? I don’t want to be away from you for five minutes right now.”

“Mmmhmmm…sure…I’ll follow you anywhere right now,” Serena said, pulling June closer to her and leaving kisses on her forehead. _This must be what feeling completely in love with someone is_ , Serena thought to herself. _Wanting them all day long, not be satisfied by anyone except them, not being able to think of anyone except for them._ Serena allowed June to pull her up and followed her into the bathroom. While they waited for the water to warm up, Serena pushed June up against the vanity, and pressed her hips against hers. She was still turned on, which was odd, but not unwelcome. _Fucking pregnancy hormones._

June leaned forward, and snaked her hands around to grab Serena’s ass. She kissed Serena’s neck passionately, then blushed a deep red when she realized she’d left a love mark on her neck. _Maybe she won’t see and I won’t get into trouble._

Serena slid the shower door open and stepped in, pulling June in with her. She stuck her head under the shower head, then pulled June in and let her get wet too. She picked up a bottle of body soap and put some in her hand, and proceeded to wash June's body, head to toe, not missing any area of her delicious body. June closed her eyes and enjoyed this shower thoroughly. She loved when Serena touched her anyway, but this was just so much better, because she could feel how much she wanted her. Serena rinsed June off, then proceeded to wash herself, but June stopped her.

"Let me do it." June began washing Serena from head to toe. She pushed her against the shower wall, and left a trail of kisses along Serena’s body. June sank to her knees and squeezed Serena’s ass, pulling her to her mouth and licking and sucking her to another orgasm. She pulled back, leaning against the shower wall as she felt a wave of dizziness wash over her.

Serena suggested they get out since they were just about out of hot water. She helped June out of the shower, dried her off and wrapped her in a towel, then got another towel and dried herself off. She knew June had overdone it and she felt slightly guilty, so she was trying to make up for it. As soon as she was sort of dry, she helped June back to bed, and sat her on the edge. Starting at June’s feet, Serena covered every inch of June’s skin with body lotion—a real luxury that they’d had to pretty much do without in Gilead. She deposited a kiss on June’s lips and then left to dry her hair somewhat. By the time she’d returned, June’s towels were on the floor by the bed, and she’d already crawled under the covers. Serena picked up the towels, hung them in the bathroom, and crawled into bed next to her, molding her body to hers and kissing her goodnight.


	28. Flashbacks and long walks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes a PTSD flashback, so please approach with caution.

June winced, awakening to the feeling of pain in her stomach. She went into the bathroom, and immediately realized what the pain was. A thousand thoughts swirled through her brain, each of them making her more terrified and panicked than the last. She began to sob, as she dug through the cabinets, finding the tampons and opening the box. She was so shaky that she wasted three before properly inserting one. She sat with her back against the bathroom door, sobbing so hard she thought she would break in two. She wasn't pregnant after all. Mrs. Waterford was going to kill her this time. She’d be sent to the colonies, hung on the wall, starved, beaten, or any manner of imaginative tortures. Mrs. Waterford would never let her out of her room.

“June—June what’s wrong?” Serena asked, trying the doorknob to the bathroom and finding it locked. “June, let me in—come on. It can’t be that bad?” June seemed to be crying even harder, now that Serena was trying to get to her to let her in. _God damn it, I am taking the lock off this fucking door the first chance I get—this is getting old already,_ Serena thought. “June, come on!”

Rita heard the commotion and rushed in. “What’s wrong—is she sick?”

“I have no idea. I heard her crying really hard and it woke me up, and I’m trying to talk to her and she won’t unlock the door—and she’s just crying harder,” Serena explained, exasperated.

“Let me try. June—it’s Rita—let me in, come on.” They both held their ears to the door and all they could hear was “Mrs. Waterford” and “not pregnant” and “kill me”. Rita looked at Serena concerned. “Remember the therapy that I said she needed pronto and she’s refusing? We’re going to see a lot more of this kind of behavior if we don’t get June some help. She’s having some sort of a PTSD episode from the sounds of it. She’s not here—she’s in Gilead. She’s having a flashback.”

“What are we going to do? How can we help her?” Serena said, looking and sounding frightened.

“Since she’s terrified of Mrs. Waterford, would you mind if I tried to get her out on my own and get her oriented to where she is today? Hannah needs breakfast anyway, and I’m sure she’d love to see you,” Rita said, trying to smile, but the gravity of the situation was too intense.

“Alright. If it will help, I’ll make myself scarce. And if I need to get lost for the day, I can figure something out. Just…help June, ok?” Serena said, closing the bedroom door behind her.

June finally moved away from the door, and allowed Rita in. She was trembling and shivering. "You...you’ve gotta help me, Rita. She's going to kill me for sure this time. Don’t let her kill me. I didn't mean to. Don't let her send me to the colonies." June's voice was weak and weepy, and she fell exhausted into Rita’s arms. "I got my period, Rita. She's going to kill me.”

“June, honey. Look around you. You’re in Canada now. You’re having a flashback and that’s totally normal for everything you’ve been through,” Rita explained, while June looked at her disbelieving. “Look around, June—you didn’t have a shower in Gilead, remember? And there was no lock on the door. And there wasn’t this big vanity and mirror, right?” June started to shake and cry and was totally freaked out that she’d had a flashback. “June, listen to me honey and please try to relax. There’s nothing wrong and you’re not in trouble and there are no colonies here to send you to. Take a couple of deep breaths, ok?” June slowly stopped crying and took a couple deep but shaky breaths, Rita was rubbing her back in little circles and they were sitting on the floor together.

“You got your period, which is perfectly fine, and normal. Serena is not going to be angry with you at all, ok? She loves you—she loves you so much. She would never, ever hurt you here. Things are different now. You trust and love each other, Rita explained. “You have your daughter with you now and she’s safe and she loves you. It’s all different now.”

Rita was able to coax June out of the bathroom and into her bed. She just wanted to crawl into a ball and cry until she had no more tears. It felt so real—so fucking real. The terror—the wanting to please Mrs. Waterford and always coming up short. The time Serena threw her in her room and locked her away for three weeks and didn’t let her talk to anyone—she’d nearly lost her mind. She actually couldn’t imagine that what Rita was saying was actually the truth. She still felt like she was still in Gilead and her heart was racing. And there was no way that cold-hearted Mrs. Serena Waterford loved her. No way. Rita must be smoking crack.

“June, I’m going to get you a sedative, and I want you to go to sleep now. You’ll feel better later, ok? You’re stuck in another time and place and your mind needs to feel safe enough to come back to us. I’m going to ask Serena to stay away from you until you’re back to yourself, all right?” June just continued to look terrified, so Rita got up, went to her medicine bag and got the sedative, and made June take it in front of her. She tucked her in, and stayed with her until she was sure she was asleep.

Serena had been getting Hannah ready for the day, and was giving her a math lesson at the kitchen table. They were counting toothpicks and adding and subtracting them. She was very worried about June, but she knew the last person June needed to see was her. Rita came out and gave Serena an update. Tears sprang to her eyes—she felt terrible. Terrible that she was the one who gave June PTSD. _I can love June until the day I day, and I’ll never begin to make up for any of the shit I pulled before I got to know her—and love her. How the fuck do I make up for all of that?_

“I see where your mind is going, Serena and I need you to stop it,” Rita said. It’s not helpful. You aren’t the only person responsible for her condition, and you are the only person who is generally able to reach her and help her when she panics. The Aunts, Fred, the Eyes, the fucking hanging ceremony—come on—that wasn’t all you. You did beat the shit out of her and lock her in her room when she wasn’t pregnant and that’s what she’s re-living. You’ll probably need to apologize for that when she’s ready to see you. And I am going to find some therapeutic support—for all of us. You need to learn how to support her through these episodes, and you have your own trauma to heal from. And Hannah—lord that child is going to have scars. We all need fucking help. Now, go back to Hannah and let her have a nice, normal day with her mama. June will sleep most of the day and when she wakes up, I’ll see where she’s at.”

“Thanks Rita. You’re so good with June—and with me for that matter. I don’t know what I’d do without you,” Serena said, turning her attention and focus to someone who did want to spend the day with her…Hannah.

June woke up to the smell of dinner. She walked out to the kitchen and wrapped her arms around Serena. She needed to feel that Serena was real, needed to be in her arms, and to hear her tell her she loved her. But instead, she felt Serena stiffen. "Serena, please...just hold me? Alright?" June asked quietly.

Serena had been lost in her own thoughts, a million miles away, and had not expected June to come up behind her and hug her—especially after the day she’d had.

“I’m so sorry—you startled me," Serena explained. “Come here," Serena said opening her arms and wrapping them around June. "Are you feeling a little better? I'm...I'm just so sorry I was ever horrible to you...in Gilead. I hate that I even punished you for not being pregnant. It was wrong and I don't expect you to ever forgive me.”

"I love you," June whispered, burying her face in Serena's chest. "I'm...I’m sorry. I'm sorry I made you do things that made you have to punish me. Please just hold me. I love you. I hope that's enough, for now at least.”

"You never did anything to deserve how I treated you when I found out you weren't pregnant. I was so miserable and angry and frustrated and jealous...and I took it out on you and Rita. It's going to take you some time to come to terms with everything that happened there...and you're going to remember things and have flashbacks and look at me like I'm the enemy. And you’re going to forget I love you and I'm not that person anymore. And I don’t have an answer...or a solution...but when you need space, you need to tell me, ok? Now I should get back to finishing dinner. We're eating in 20 minutes so maybe you want to get cleaned up." Serena detached herself from June and went back to chopping vegetables.

June wrapped her arms around Serena’s waist—again--and said "And what I need, right now, this second, this minute, is for you to hold me," June whispered. Serena, not quite sure what was going on, gently detached her arms and went back to chopping the salad. June, full of stubbornness on any given day, simply wrapped herself around Serena once more. "I got really freaked out before and didn’t remember I was actually in love with you and I really need to feel close to you right now. So....please?" June asked. "Just until dinner?"

Serena steeled her emotions, wiped her hands on a dishtowel and put down the chopping knife. “Of course, June. I just assumed you didn’t want to be very near me, but if you do, that’s fine. You had quite a scare this morning and you scared all of us too.” Serena took June’s hand and led her over to the couch. “Lay down and scooch over,” she said and June laid on her side against the back of the couch and Serena laid down in front of her and wrapped her arms around her, pulling June’s head down to her chest so she could stroke her hair and rub her back. Rita came downstairs and saw them cuddling together and smiled. Serena whispered, “I’m sorry about dinner,” and Rita just went into the kitchen and took over where she’d left off. Rita was just happy that June wanted to be around Serena at all and that the flashback was over—for now. But how long would that last?

June kept her head on Serena’s chest, trying to make sense of everything. “Serena, why did you go along with Gilead? Why did you hurt me, and Rita, and whoever the handmaid was before me? She felt Serena stiffen and pressed forward anyway. "How did you go from hating me to falling in love?"

Serena didn’t want to escalate the situation, but she could see nothing good coming from this conversation.

“Before I answer that, I’d like to know something from you, June. How did you go from hating me to being in love with me? Because to be completely honest, I don’t know why you love me—I mean, you really shouldn’t love me. Moira saw it—she called it Stockholm syndrome. You fell in love with your captor. Is that what this is June? Some sort of complicated means of coping with what happened to you? Did you have to tell yourself you were in love with me to make what happened in Gilead less horrible?”

June stiffened, Serena’s words hitting a cord. "No. That's not it. don't know exactly know when it happened, but I do know it was sudden. I realized that I loved you and that my feelings for you had become very strong and very complicated. And everything magnified when we were alone for all that time in the hospital. I’m not using you as a coping mechanism. My feelings for you are real. I’m sorry if anything I have said or done made you think that my feelings for you are not genuine."

“June, I’m just turning the question you asked me, around to you first. Because I could give you the very same answer you gave me—about when my feelings for you turned to love. I couldn’t like you at first—because I was jealous. But then I got to see you—your courage and your strength. I admired those things about you, even though you were my rival. But when I thought you were in danger, something snapped—I couldn’t lose you—you meant too much to me. And I got Aunt Lydia sent to the damn colonies for what she did to you and the Handmaids. All the things I thought I believed about Gilead and what we were trying to accomplish as a society stopped making sense when I saw the impact on you, June. You made me look at my life and take stock—and I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t be who I was, and live the life that I was living—it was too wrong.“

Serena paused, and took a breath, trying very hard not to sound angry and frighten June. But she did have her own feelings to contend with. “I don’t know if you noticed, but I really, really stuck my neck out for you, I moved heaven and earth to get you out of Gilead, and I’ve done my very best to help you heal. If that doesn’t show you how much I love you, then I’m sorry. I’m not sure I know what else you want or need from me. Or if you’re always going to question me and my motives. Either you believe I have changed and want to try to do this with me or you don’t. I won’t force you. Maybe…maybe you just shouldn’t be with me. I’m not the easiest person in the world and I know it. And, I’m sorry, but would you mind sitting up please?” Serena asked and when June moved, she got up from the sofa. “So this is me taking space because I am getting scared and frustrated and I don’t want to say anything that you’ll take the wrong way. So I’m going to go out for a walk now, and I’ll be back later. You don’t need to hold dinner for me.” Serena went to the closet, got her coat and gloves, and walked out the door without any further explanation.

The cold air felt really good, and it was practically silent where she was walking. She was following a trail that wrapped around the pond—she must have gone around several times, then realizing how late it was, she thought she should head back home. She had managed to clear her head a bit, but not until after she spent the first hour beating herself up about—well, everything. She was trying to understand why the hell June always wanted to talk so much about her feelings and question things that should just be left alone. She thought perhaps it was something to do with being with a woman. Women feel. Men just do what they want and don’t process feelings. She turned around and headed back home, not sure what she would say to June to explain herself. Couldn’t they just love each other? Was that too much to ask? Were they just delusional to think that the two of them could actually be in a relationship that was moderately healthy?

When Serena was just a mile away from the house, a black van drove past her, then came to a stop. “Do you need help ma’am?” the uniformed agent asked as he got out of the car and approached her.

“No, I’m fine. Just heading home,” Serena replied.

“Let me give you a ride, Mrs. Waterford,” the agent said, taking her arm.

“Wait, what? How do you know my name?”

His grip tightened on her arm and he said, “Mrs. Serena Waterford, I need to bring you in for questioning for crimes committed in Gilead. You have a lot to answer for.”

The moment Serena had worried about was finally here. She didn’t struggle, but asked if she could call her family, so they won’t worry. “Eventually. Even war criminals have rights.”

June barely touched dinner, waiting for Serena to return. Hannah fell asleep on the couch, wanting to stay up for Mama to tuck her in. June began to worry around ten o’clock. It had been five hours since Serena left. June walked outside, sitting on the porch, worrying more and more as dawn finally kissed the horizon. Rita came out to sit with her around 2 am, but June refused to go inside. "There are wolves out there, Rita. What if she died, thinking I don't love her anymore? What if she died, not loving me anymore? What if she's lost? Or hurt?"

“I’m sure she’s ok. We’ll…we’ll go look for her tomorrow,” Rita said, wrapping an arm around June and pulling her head to her shoulder. Rita was not sure at all that she was ok. _Where the fuck are you Serena?_

That morning, June continued to be anxious and restless, pacing through the house, and refusing breakfast. Lunchtime came and went, and June spent most of the day following Serena’s tracks into the woods. Her panic rose when she saw how far out Serena had gone. She followed the tracks, tears flowing freely when she found that they ended--in full view of the house, about a mile out. A dead deer, likely a wolf's kill, was on the side of the road. _No._ June knelt and wrapped Daisy in her arms, sobbing for all she was worth. Serena was either gone or dead. She'd died, thinking that June hated her, that she could never love her. June shook, trying to breathe normally as she stood and finally walked back into the house. "I’m going to bed. I’m not hungry tonight."


	29. Are you hungry, Mrs. Waterford?

Serena sat in the interrogation room—a grim, windowless room with cinder block walls, a table, and two chairs. One on either side of the table, Serena sat, ramrod straight, her hands folded and relaxed in front of her, while Agent Drummond tried—unsuccessfully--to get her to answer his questions. He was tall and handsome, with 3 days worth of scruff growing on his face, and dark wavy hair framing his brown eyes.

“You’re not being cooperative Mrs. Waterford. I want to help you, but I can’t, if you won’t talk to me and answer my questions.”

“I would be happy to talk to you, Agent Drummond. As soon as you allow me a phone call to let my family know where I am. They’re worried. I’ve disappeared in the middle of the night in a wooded area with bears and wolves. You’ve kept me here for two nights, without allowing me to just tell my family where I am. The conditions in which you’ve been keeping me—without charging me of a crime—do not meet the rules established by the Geneva Convention, but that’s not really important right now. My family is, and they deserve some peace of mind,” Serena said calmly. “Allow me a phone call, and I’ll be happy to answer all of your questions.”

“Mrs. Waterford, do you know why we brought you in for questioning?”

“No, sir, I do not.”

“No idea?” Agent Drummond asked.

“No sir. No idea.”

“Fred Waterford—your husband—is missing. Gilead is calling us daily, demanding we turn you and your roommates over to them—but if they had to choose, they’d settle for you,” the agent said, trying to get a rise out of her.

“I’m afraid I don’t know anything about that, sir. May I please have my phone call?” she asked again, politely—even sweetly.

Agent Drummond stared at her. “I will let you have a phone call, if you answer one question for me.” Serena stayed silent. “Are you hungry?”

“What?” she said, looking surprised.

“Are you hungry? I can order you something to eat if you like,” Agent Drummond offered, his voice softening.

“Yes.”

“Great—let me see what I can find for you. Any dietary restrictions?”

“Yes—nothing too aromatic, if you don’t mind. I’m pregnant, and strong smells make me nauseous.”

“Duly noted. And thank you for letting me know about your condition. Here’s the phone. Dial 9 for an outside line. I’ll go order dinner for you, and will arrange for a female agent to escort you to the restroom.”

“Thank you,” Serena said. She waited for him to leave the room before she dialed the phone number for the cell phone that Rita carried with her. “Rita, it’s Serena—I don’t have much time to talk. They picked me up the night before last—the Canadian Intelligence Agency. They told me that Fred is missing and that Gilead wants us all sent back to them—but they’ll settle for me. I haven’t said a word to them yet—I made them let me call you first and they finally agreed.”

“Jesus, Serena, you need a lawyer!” Rita said. “Let me see what I can figure out. Do you know where you are?”

“Yes, I’m at 1101 Beacon Square in Toronto. It’s a pretty non-descript government building, but I’m on the 8th floor being questioned by Agent Drummond. How’s June?”

“She’s a fucking wreck. She thinks you got eaten by a wolf,” Rita said.

“Well, she might not be far off,” Serena said grimly. “Listen, I don’t want you and June to be taken in and questioned. You’ve both been through enough, so I’m going to take one for the team here and try to be as cooperative as possible. I’m the one they want anyway. But I honestly don’t have any idea what happened to Fred, do you?”

“No—not at all. He was at his office the day we escaped. Didn’t see him at all since that morning,” Rita said, understanding the need to lie.

“Make sure you tell June that I love her, and that she shouldn’t worry. They aren’t hurting me, and I’m going to try to give them something in exchange so they back off. Don’t let her go off half-cocked. Ok?”

“I’ll call Moira and see if she can help somehow,” Rita said.

“I’m not sure she isn’t the one who sent them for me—are you?” Serena asked.

“No, I can’t say that for sure, but I sure as hell am going to find out for you—I promise. Stay strong Serena.”

“Is June there?” she asked, wanting to hear her voice, but knowing that June was probably going to be hysterical and not helpful right now.

“She’s dead asleep, and honestly, I had to sedate her again. She was a wreck.”

“Leave her be. But make sure she knows that I’m not angry, I’m sorry I wasn’t able to finish our conversation, and that I love her more than words can say.”

“You got it,” Rita said. Serena hung up the phone just as Agent Drummond came in with a familiar face.

Moira stood there, staring at Serena, who continued to look cool and collected.

“They told me that you were here. I’m disappointed I couldn't bring you in myself." Moira strode in and gave Serena an appraising look.

“Good evening, Moira. Lovely to see you,” Serena said politely. She knew something was very off, but she wasn’t sure what yet.

"We don’t know what might have happened to your husband, Fred Waterford. And in all honesty, we don't give a rat's ass. One less commander in the world's alright by us. However, what we do need from you is information regarding Gilead. Anything you can give us will be helpful.” Moira considered the stoic, but calm expression on Serena’s face. "Just to be clear, you will not be leaving here. You are a war criminal, and a dangerous one at that. You are charged with, facilitating a rape, and kidnapping. Once that child is born it will be ripped away from you and placed in the foster system. Neither you nor June are fit at this time to raise a child--you least of all. You will never see June again. I may not have reported you, but I am glad someone got your toxic ass away from my friend."

Moira’s expression was harsh, and her eyes seemed to looking past Serena to the wall beyond. "Your schedule will be closely monitored. You will have no privacy and no time to yourself. It's time you get a taste of your own medicine. You eat. Then you change. You will then be taken to an isolation cell devoid of light, or sound. No visitors. Nothing but the four hours of questioning you will receive each day. This is how we deal with war criminals on my watch. Unless you decide to cooperate now."

“I’ve already told Agent Drummond that I would be pleased to cooperate and provide you with whatever information you need, as soon as I was allowed my phone call, which I’ve had. However,” Serena said, her voice turning cold, “you’ve just told me that you’re going to rip my child from me and deny me and my partner, who is also the mother to this child, access to ever raise this child. You’re not very good at this getting war criminals to talk thing—perhaps you should go back to being a refugee worker, or are you just moonlighting for the Canadian Intelligence Agency? There’s no way you passed any of their psychological tests with your temper. So tell me, Moira, why on earth would I open my mouth to share anything with you, if you’re going to put me in solitary and violate every international war-crimes agreement in the world and take my child from me. I’m not stupid. Everything you just said to me is very illegal. So let’s start again, shall we? You ask me if I’m ready to cooperate, and I’ll say yes. You and I both know I can give you more information on Gilead than you’ll know what to do with. But I’ll need a deal, and it needs to include immunity. My life is in danger. I’ve escaped the worst regime on this planet—Gilead won’t stand back and allow me to walk away. My family and I need protection.”

“I’ll need to get a deal approved with my bosses. In the meantime, let me escort you to the restroom, and by then your dinner will have arrived.”

Moira walked around the table to take Serena by the arm, which she yanked back. “Surely I can walk by myself—I’m not under arrest,” Serena said, barely controlling her anger.

“Fine, let’s go.” Moira led her to the ladies room and walked in with her, checking to make sure they were alone. “Don’t say a word about Fred. Give us info on Gilead and their military plans, weaknesses, structure of their ruling class—it will be plenty for us. You’ll be able to get immunity.”

“You suck, Moira, and you are a piece of fucking shit. Ripping the baby out of my womb? Really? Taking June’s child from her? Raping someone? Come on! I knew you were an asshole, but I didn’t know you were a level 10 asshole,” Serena spat angrily.

“I had to make it believable. But I’ve got your back—ok? June needs you. And I need June. And your baby needs both of you. Now go ahead and use the restroom—I have to stay out here and wait for you unfortunately.”

“If you’ve got my back, I’m very fucking worried,” Serena said as she walked into a cubicle and locked the door. As soon as she was finished, Moira walked her back to the interrogation room. There was a turkey and cheese sandwich waiting for her with a bottle of water. “I’ll be back—it might be a while. If you need something, here’s my internal number. I’ll leave it here by the phone. Don’t pull anything funny, Waterford.”

“No ma’am, Serena said, with mock sincerity as she gave Moira the finger when her back was turned. 

Moira left, rolling her eyes when she saw she had no less than 20 missed calls from Rita. She listened to the first message, and figured all of the messages probably all had the same tone of irate fury, so she didn’t bother to listen to all of them. She started her car and let it warm up before driving the forty minutes to the cabin, hoping that she’d be able to convince Rita and June that Serena was alright, and more importantly that she had nothing to do with her being taken into custody. "Hi Rita…Rita, shut up and let me explain please? I had to pull some major strings today. I'm coming over. Is June alright? Does she know yet? "

“Of course she knows, Moira—for god’s sake I wouldn’t keep something like that from her! You need to somehow convince me that you didn’t have anything to do with this, and if you can’t you can kiss your friendship with June goodbye forever. How is Serena doing? Is she all right? Is she being mistreated?”

“She’s in fine shape, Rita—really. She’s playing it really smart. She hasn’t said a word—first she was bargaining for a phone call with you, and now she’s demanding immunity from prosecution—which is smart. I found out they’d picked her up and I inserted myself into the negotiations so I could watch out for her—make sure she didn’t say anything stupid, but I should have known she could take care of herself.”

“How did she get there, Moira—did they just pick her up when she was walking in the middle of the night?” Rita asked.

“Yes. Gilead has been putting pressure on the Canadians to take the three of you in for questioning for the disappearance of Fred Waterford. They were on their way to your house, found her first, and decided since they had the person they really wanted, it would suffice for now. I had nothing to do with it,” Moira said.

“You never told them that Serena had information they could use,” Rita said flatly. She was met with dead silence.

“Come on Rita—she does have information we need to take down Gilead. I was just doing my job. I didn’t tell them to pick her up in the middle of the night. I’m coming over. Let me explain in person. I swear. I’m going to get her out, and I had nothing to do with this,” Moira said.

“You will give me the name and number of a good lawyer for Serena, who will work pro-bono. Then I might think about letting you in to talk to June. And good luck there. She’s fucking furious and scared. Basically, she’s feral,” Rita said seriously.

“Great. I’ll be right there.” 

Feral was the perfect word to describe June. Gone was the terrified, broken woman from the day prior. June paced around the house like a caged tiger. As soon as she heard Moira’s car in the driveway, she barreled towards the door, flung it open and bolted down the steps. 

"June! Stop! Get back here!" Rita’s cries fell on deaf ears. No sooner had Moira gotten out of the car when June slammed her against the side of the car, snarling like a rabid dog.

"Where the FUCK did you take Serena! Where is she! How dare you! You fucking liar! If you hurt one hair on her head, I swear I will end you!" Moira fought back, and soon the two were fist-fighting, and rolling in the snow, the fight becoming more vicious with every moment that passed. June had Moira pinned by the throat when Rita’s gun went off, calling an end to the fight.

Hearing the shot, Moira immediately took her hands off of June, but June didn’t give a fuck. She kept Moira pinned her to the ground and punched her right in the face, splitting her lip open. Rita and Moira both wore a startled look on their faces—neither could believe June had punched hard enough to draw blood.

Rita came up to them, helped Moira up, and said, “Come on you two. I’ll get Moira patched up, and Rocky over here will need to ice her hand so it doesn’t swell up. I need you both to promise not to touch each other again. And please remember, there is a child in the house who will be very scared if Mommy and Auntie Moira are brawling in the kitchen.” June was glaring at Moira, but silently agreed to a truce.

“June, I just want to explain. I didn’t do this, and I’m going to get her out—I promise,” Moira said.

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep, girl. Come on inside,” Rita said, ushering them both in.

June was still seething, her hair messed up and pointing every which way, looking like a wolf whose hackles were raised. "Bring. Her. Home. To. Me.” she hissed. "I can't live with the last conversation we ever had being a fucking fight!"

“June, will you please, please let me explain. I didn’t have anything to do with bringing her in the other night. I did suggest that she might have information she’d be willing to bargain for—that’s all. I never thought they’d take her in,” Moira said honestly.

“Well that was just dumb, Moira. Giving the authorities any info on any of is just stupid. You had to know they’d come for her,” Rita said, scoffing.

“I was stupid, I know. But it’s ok! She’s smart, and she figured out that she has all the bargaining power with the government. She’ll give them plenty of intel on Gilead and they’ll give her immunity. I already know the deal is approved. I can tell her tomorrow. They wanted her to sweat it out overnight in a nasty cell before letting her out.”

June’s eyes went ballistic, and Rita had to physically restrain her from attacking Moira. “Girl, you might want to limit your descriptors. June can’t hear that her woman is suffering and in a scary place, ok? I don’t know if you’ve ever really been in love before—but this here? This is a love you’ve never even imagined. It’s that fucking deep, so remember that.”

“Look before I go too far, I need both of you to promise me something. Tell them NOTHING about Fred Waterford. That’s why they picked her up. He’s missing and Gilead wants the three of you returned. Canada is not going to do that, but might have to look like they are playing along. They’ll probably bring you in too, and you have to play completely dumb. June, you can just focus on how sick you were, practically miscarrying for two weeks, and Rita, well, you know what to say—you’re smart,” Moira said, trying to win a couple of points from the very attractive and strong woman for whom she had caught some feelings.

“Let’s say we believe you,” Rita said. “How soon can you get Serena out, and will she have full immunity.? And, what about the baby? She has to be able to keep the baby.”

“I know all of that and the lawyer I’m going to get you in touch with is very smart and owes me some favors. I don’t know how soon she can be released, but it should be soon—they don’t have enough to hold her on. They made me make some empty threats to her but she saw right through them. I had a chance to speak privately with Serena and she knows what I’m trying to do, and I told her to keep her mouth shut until I got the immunity in place. She could be out in the next week or so.”

Rita took one look at June, put a strong grip on her shoulders to physically restrain her for going for Moira again and said, “You’re going to need to do much better than that.”

June pulled out of Rita’s death grip and shook her head. "A week or so? I need her NOW Moira. You can't leave her there for a week. I know what it feels like to be lost, alone, scared, locked away. Don't let her go through that. I'm sorry for hitting you. But please...please help her. Tell her...tell her I'm sorry. She'll know what for. Just....tell her I love her. I need her. I’m dying inside, Moira."

June felt the tears rolling down her cheeks, and she allowed Moira to pull her close for a hug. "Don’t let them send her back. She'll go on the wall. Don't...let them kill her. I swear I'll die too. Don’t let them kill her." June tried to take deep breaths, but she started hyperventilating, and she sank to her knees, Moira and Rita kneeling beside her. "Please. Let me make a recording on your phone, so I can tell her I love her and I’m sorry." June was sobbing, and she couldn’t seem to get her breath. "Moira, you have to help her. I’m falling apart without her."

It took half the night and the efforts of both Moira and Rita to calm June down. Moira let June record a short message on her phone and she promised to play it for Serena as soon as she had an opportunity to do so. She’d also try to get Serena to have a phone call—at least one a day—until she’s released.

“And June honey, when the immunity agreement is in place, and she starts talking, there won’t be any need to keep her in custody any longer,” Moira explained. “She’ll have to come in regularly to provide information, but she won’t be in any danger. She’ll be able to come home. I just said a week because I wanted to be cautious—I didn’t mean to send you over the deep end. I’ve…I’ve never seen you like this. I know you two are close, but she’s a very strong, capable, smart woman. My money is on her all day, every day.”

Rita snickered a little at that, and she and Moira shared a look for a moment, then moved their attention back to June. “Let’s all try to get some sleep tonight, ok?" Rita suggested. "It’s really late. Moira, you ok to drive home, or do you need to sleep here—there’s room in June’s bed obviously, or the couch if you prefer.”

“I’m good, thank you. I’m just going to go home, take a nap, get up early, and work on Serena’s deal. I want her home with you June. And want you safe and happy. And just think—once the deal is in place, she’s free for good. No one can touch her.”

June went off to her room, and Rita walked Moira to her car. “Thanks for coming over, Moira—sorry for all the drama, but you deserved it.”

“Yes, I did. Thanks for being a great referee,” Moira said. “I’m going to make this right. I promise.”

June wrapped herself in Serena’s favorite clothes and the shawl she put over her lap when she was reading, and fell asleep for less than an hour. Rita found her in the morning pacing like a caged tiger again. She ate a bit of scrambled eggs and toast for breakfast—only to appease Hannah, who asked her to try them. Then she read her a story and threw the ball for Daisy for awhile. When Hannah and the dog were taking a nap, June went to the library, pulling book after book from the shelves, looking for anything to do with the law, and there weren’t many. She jumped when she heard the phone ring, falling halfway down the stairs in her haste to answer it, not even realizing she’d sprained her ankle when she heard Rita say Serena’s name. She grabbed the phone from Rita’s hand, "Serena! Is that you? Please...please be alright."

“Hi June. Yes, I’m ok. They’re treating me fine. I don’t want you to worry about me. I have a lawyer now, and she’s looking at the immunity deal they are offering. She’s smart, and she’s going to negotiate an iron clad deal for me. But it might take a little longer, and I guess I can’t leave here until that’s in place. Are you ok, June? I’m sorry we had that fight and I didn’t get to come back and finish our conversation. I guess I have to reconsider my coping mechanism of walking away—maybe not quite so far away from home,” Serena said, trying to make light of the situation. She could tell it wasn’t working.

June fought back the tears. The sleep deprivation wasn't helping, but she tried, desperately to breathe normally, and try not to start panicking again. "I uh.... punched Moira in the mouth and split her lip.” June heard Serena burst into laughter on the other end of the phone.

“I love that you punched her in the mouth—Lord knows I’ve wanted to punch her more than a few times. You were defending me, and I love you for it. But I wouldn’t want you to hurt your hands…besides..she’s not worth it,” Serena assured her.

“I love you. I'm so sorry you think it isn't real. I swear to you, I swear it is. It's not Stockholm Syndrome. It's real. Please...don’t leave me, ok? I love you. Just....please...please let me make it up to you," June said, unable to hold back the tears any longer.

“Baby, I never said I didn’t want to be with you,” Serena explained. “I didn’t. We shouldn’t have had that conversation on the heels of a serious PTSD flashback. We need to make some ground rules about that if our relationship is going to stand a chance. And June… I want this. I want you. I’ve never wanted anyone like I want you. I love everything about you—even all the things I can’t stand about you become charming and wonderful. I’m in love with you June. I didn’t think my cold, dead heart was capable, but here I am.”

“Are they…did they put you in a scary room, with no light and no sound?” June asked quietly, terrified that Serena might have to endure anything like that.

“Not anymore. Now I’m practically in a hotel room. They moved me out of the scary holding cell I was in the first two nights and now I’m in a VIP suite for the squealers and rats who trade information for immunity. I eat really well, and the morning sickness has eased up. I’m starting to show a little bit. I can’t wait until you can feel my stomach. Our baby—our baby is growing inside of me!”

"You'd better come home to me," June whispered, Serena’s calming voice comforting her. "Come home. I need you. Suite or no suite, you’re still in custody. Fuck, I'm so tired Serena. I just want you here.”

“June, promise me you’ll go to sleep tonight. Imagine my arms around you, stroking your face, your arms, and your hair. Sleep well, and know that I’m coming back—no matter what. Nothing can keep me from my life with you. I want it more than anything. You have to trust me, June. You have to believe me. When I come back, I’ll be home for good. I love you, sweetheart. Now say goodbye to me, because my lawyer has just come in. I’ll call you tomorrow, alright? Go to sleep my love. Do it for me. Your PTSD is much worse when you don’t sleep. You need to take care of yourself. I love you.”

June hung up when Serena did, and she turned, burying her face in Rita’s shoulder, realizing she had indeed sprained her ankle when she had run down the stairs like she was on fire. "Can you wrap that up for me? And could you maybe make some of that tea that you make for Serena when she can’t sleep?”

“Sit your ass on the couch and I’ll get you some ice first—then I’ll wrap it. And some ibuprophen. You need sleep in the worst way, June. I will absolutely make you some tea, and then I want you to lay down in your room. You don’t want to be a messy train wreck when your girl comes home, ok? You know she loves you something fierce. Own it. Accept it. Stop trying to make it not real.”

While Rita made the tea, Hannah came up to her mom. “Maybe if you slept with me it would help you fall asleep? I sure fall asleep fast when I get to sleep next to you.”

“That’s actually a really good idea, pumpkin. Rita’s going to fix my ankle, and then we can go lay down, ok? We’ll sleep in my bed.”

“Ok mommy. And don’t worry about Serena. She’s going to come home to us. She would never leave us.”

June nodded, pulling her daughter close. "I sure missed you, sweetheart. And you’re right. Serena is coming home to us. And she's going to be very proud of you for taking care of me." June smiled as her daughter seemed to glow at the praise.

The tea was making June very sleepy, so she and Hannah went into her bedroom and got under the covers. Hannah let June spoon her, and it sent a feeling of calmness over her whole body. She was so tired. So worried. She just needed to sleep. And before a few moments had passed, she got her wish and slept for the rest of the day until the evening. Hannah left at some point, but June didn’t notice and her body got the sleep it needed. She didn't hear the dog bark, or even the smoke alarm from Rita’s attempt at letting Hannah take over cake baking. Sometime during her slumber, she managed to pull every single article of Serena’s clothing that was within reach onto the bed surrounding her, until she was completely covered in Serena’s smell. She dreamt that Serena was there. Holding her, stroking her hair and pulling her close, complaining about the pile of her clothing on the bed.

Serena met with her lawyer all day and very late into the night. She was adamant about a few points—i.e. complete immunity from any crimes she may have committed or known about in Gilead. The safety of her child. No jail time. Fast track to Canadian Citizenship for all of them. And a promise that they would never extradite, her, June, Hannah or Rita back to Gilead. She’d meet with an agency representative once a week for an indefinite period of time, to answer their questions and give her all the information she knew. If they all agreed to everything today, she’d be back in her own bed tonight.

Moira stopped by late in the evening, with a signed copy of the immunity agreement. Serena’s lawyer reviewed it, line by line, and agreed with it, and allowed Serena to sign it. “Can I go home now please?” she asked politely.

“You sure can. I’ll give you a ride.” Moira offered.

“Fine.” Being in the car with Moira was not something she was looking forward to, but it was the fastest way to get back home. The ride with Moira was actually pleasant. She had an ancient Motown CD playing in the background, and she was telling Serena stories about June when she was in college. “She was always the quiet, smart one. Did the homework, aced the tests, and was pretty low key about it all. She loved her English professor—had a massive crush on her for four years. She was pretty hot—not gonna lie.”

“Did she ever manage to sleep with her?” Serena asked.

“If she did, she sure didn’t tell me!” Moira said laughing. “Does that bother you?”

“What, that she slept with someone—a woman—in college? Of course not. She’s 38 years old, so she’s probably slept with a bunch of people. I don’t think any of that matters,” Serena said. “What does matter is how she’s going to heal—from Gilead. It breaks my heart to see how broken she is, and…well…”

Moira swallowed her anger, and tried to see Serena for the person she is today—not the person she was in Gilead. “Rita’s found her a survivor’s group that meets once a week, and she’s has an appointment with a trauma therapist in two weeks. She’s strong—she doesn’t seem like it now, but there’s a resilience to her that most people don’t have.”

“Like us?” Serena said.

“Yes. Like us. It’s why you’re not in chains in a dungeon, and I’m driving you back to your family. We figure it out. We do what we have to do for the ones we love. We survive,” Moira said, glancing over and giving Serena a tight smile.

“Yes, we do. Thanks Moira—for everything. You chose to help me, and you didn’t have to do that.”

“Umm…yes, I did. June would have torn my liver out and eaten it for breakfast. You should have seen how she beat the shit out of me. It was embarrassing for a buff stud like myself being bested in a fight by a femme hell-cat,” Moira said, still feeling embarrassed by the whole messy evening.

“I’m sure it was. She’s protective of me” Serena said simply.

“Yeah, that’s a word for it. So is feral,” Moira said laughing. “All right Serena, you’re home. Enjoy your reunion.”

Serena got out of the car and walked up the stairs to the front door. The house was dark except for a light on in the kitchen. It was literally the middle of the night. Serena crept into the bedroom quietly. She was dying to take a shower, but if June was sleeping, she wanted to let her rest. There was a giant pile of her clothes on her side of the bed, and June was covered in sweaters and jeans and socks and just—everything. She picked up everything that was on her side of the bed and transferred the pile to a nearby chair. She could deal with it tomorrow. She got undressed, and slid a t-shirt on to sleep in, and crawled under the covers, feeling the magic of being in her own bed. She lay there for a moment in gratitude, and promised to try harder—to love June better—and just try to find some happy that wasn’t at the expense of someone else. She put her hands on her stomach and made a silent promise to be the mom this baby deserved. She rolled her body over and slid next to June, molding her body to hers, and wrapping her arm around her to pull her close. June felt like heaven, and the warmth she radiated made Serena feel like she was home. She couldn’t resist and placed a few soft kisses against June’s neck. Serena’s exhaustion won over, and she fell into a deep, untroubled sleep. Every time June shifted, she followed without thought, needing to feel every bit of June’s body next to her that she could. In the morning, Serena woke up and found herself sleeping on her back, with June cuddled up to her and lying on her chest. She sighed contentedly and wrapped her arms around June tighter. Now she was home.


	30. Muffins mean yes

June started to wake up, and found the pillow she was snuggling to be warm, so she snuggled closer. As she began to wake up a bit more fully, she realized it wasn’t a pillow--it was a person. "Serena? Sweetheart? You’re ok! I mean, you're alive! You're home! Serena! I missed you! I was so worried I'd never see you again, and we had that fight and you didn’t want me any more…didn’t want us…Sweetie…I’m…” June fell silent as Serena placed a hand over her mouth.

“June shut up, all right? I’m back, I love you, I’m fine, and I haven’t had coffee yet and you’re talking a mile a minute,” Serena said, pulling her close to her body again.

"Sorry,” June said sheepishly. “And about the laundry pile on your side of the bed...I just wanted everything of yours around me.” She heard Serena’s laugh, and it seemed like the most musical sound in the world. "If you think I’m bad, Hannah found an old CD from your gospel singing days in a box in the library—I guess the prior residents of this house were fans of yours. She played it no less than 16 times. Rita finally took it away from her out of desperation, although she did admit you have a lovely singing voice. And Daisy showed her love for you by destroying your slipper. We all missed you.”

Serena smiled, and stroked June’s face, listening as she jabbered on about everything she’d missed while she was gone, while sandwiching in more than a few, “I love you so much—you’re my world—I adore you—don’t ever leave me’s.” Right now, those words sounded pretty good to Serena. She vowed silently to have more patience with June. There are worse things than being told repeatedly how loved you are. When June finally ran out of steam with all the talking, Serena pulled her lips down to hers for a kiss, and rolled June’s body on top of hers. When June protested that she was too heavy, Serena shushed her, and they kissed slowly, deeply and for a luxuriously long-time. This—this is what Serena missed. Kissing June. The taste of sweet and fire, of love and desire, of rage and hope—all the things that made June—well, June. “Mmmm, I could kiss you like this all day,” Serena said, when they parted lips for a moment to take a short break. June’s hand started roaming, but Serena stilled her hand. “No, love. I just want…I just need this. Just you, in my arms, kissing me. There’s time for the rest later.”

June looked into Serena’s eyes. "You, my love, are even more beautiful that I remembered." She sighed contentedly. "I can't believe it wasn’t even a full week that you were gone--I feel like it was an eternity! Did they hurt you at all, Serena? Did they feed you ok? Are you hungry? How’s the baby?" For a moment she let fear take over, but then Serena silenced her fear again with a kiss.

“I’m fine. I need a shower in the worst way, but I’m fine. And yes, I could eat. What…what is that?” Serena asked when her foot came in contact with June’s. “Why is your ankle so huge?” Serena untangled herself from June’s embrace and flipped the covers up so she could see June’s colossal sprain. She got out of bed right away, and before leaving the bedroom turned, pointed her finger at June, and said, “Don’t you dare move. I’m getting ice for that thing.” June laid down, and smiled contentedly. She couldn’t remember feeling so happy, and so…loved. Serena returned shortly with a plastic bag full of ice and a towel to protect June’s skin. She propped her leg up on a pillow, wrapped the towel around the ice bag and placed it where the ankle looked the most swollen. “Here,” she said, handing June some ibuprofen. “Two, every four hours, and you’re icing that thing for 20 minutes on, 20 minutes off for the foreseeable future. And keep it elevated.” Serena realized she was in mama bear mode, and sat beside June, stroked her face and kissed her. “Sorry if that was gruff—I saw the ankle and I just wanted to fix it.” June smiled and took Serena’s hand and kissed it. “Can I leave you for 10 minutes—ok 20—to take a shower? I know it’s a long time to stay out of trouble, but try, ok?”

Serena headed into the bathroom, and turned the shower temperature to scalding. She’d been in the same foul clothes for three days, and they were right where she’d left them last night, in the corner of the bathroom, ready to be thrown away. Serena wanted nothing to remind her of the past week. _Fucking Moira couldn’t even get me a change of clothes that wasn’t an orange jumpsuit,_ she grumbled, glad she’d had the option to stay in her own clothes which was preferable to adopting jailhouse attire. She stood under the shower head for a few minutes, just letting the water pound over her body. It felt heavenly, to be home, in her own house, taking a shower. She washed her hair—twice—to get the stink of that place off of her, then washed the rest of her body.

She reluctantly got out when the water started to turn cooler, wrapped her hair in a towel, dried off and put her robe on. When she walked back into the bedroom, she found an entire breakfast tray set out, and June looking very smug. “Now I know you didn’t do that yourself—show yourselves!” Serena said with mock seriousness. Rita and Hannah poked their heads out of the closet where they’d been hiding.

“Welcome home!” Hannah said, flying towards Serena and catching her legs in a hug.

“Thank you, sweetheart—I missed you so much! And thanks Rita—for holding down the fort, and keeping these two safe—and for this amazing breakfast. I’m starving.”

“We thought you two would like breakfast in bed today, so we’re going to leave you to it—me and Hannah and Daisy are going for a long walk,” Rita said winking. Serena smiled and thanked them again, and sat carefully on the bed so as not to disturb the tray. “My god, she made fresh muffins—I might die right here,” Serena said, taking a big bite and moaning.

"Don't you start that Serena,” June scolded, taking a knife and cutting a piece of muffin and popping a piece in her mouth. Serena was singularly focused on her muffin, and was making all sorts of sexy moaning noises indicating her extreme enjoyment. “Serena, can you come here for a second? My ankle….” June moved, setting the tray to the side, hissing in pain.

“I don’t think it’s your ankle that needs my attention” Serena smiled wickedly, and laughed, rolling June onto her back.

“Come on, pleeeeeeaaaase" she whined. "Don’t make me beg,” June said.

“You can’t take it when I moan out loud, can you?” Serena pulled June’s t-shirt over her head, and immediately started kissing, licking and biting her perfect tits. She heard June take a ragged breath and gasp, and she was literally begging Serena to fuck her. “Your wish, is my command,” Serena said, sliding her body down and using her hands to open June’s pussy fully to her gaze. “So…fucking...beautiful,” she said as her mouth descended and she devoured it, her long tongue fucking June while her hands kept her pussy spread wide for her. She moved her focus up a bit, and sucked June’s clit into her warm, soft mouth, her tongue hard and demanding, flicking the nub until June almost rocketed off the bed. Serena backed off slightly, and slid three fingers inside June. “You ok baby?” she asked. June nodded her head and moaned deeply, and Serena took that as a yes, and continued to suck and lick her clit expertly, while fucking her hard and fast with her hand. It took just a few minutes until June’s legs started to tremble and she was begging Serena to please let her come. June’s body tensed for a minute, then released into a breathtakingly beautiful orgasm that brought her to tears. Serena hurried to pull her into her arms, comforting her from the intense emotions. “Shhh, sweetheart, I’m right here and I love you. I’m not leaving you ever.”

"Good. I'm gonna hold you to that." June closed her eyes, as she rested against Serena’s chest. "Mmmm…let me…my turn…." June’s voice trailed off, the world seeming to spin around her. She tried to crawl down between Serena’s legs, wanting to please her. Serena stopped her, catching June's hands. “No sweetie—you need to watch your ankle. It's fine. I promise."

They were interrupted when Rita knocked on the door. Serena pulled her robe on tighter and went to the door to unlock it. “

“Phone call for you Serena." Rita handed her the cell phone that they shared. Serena thanked her and took the call in the other room since June was practically asleep again.

"Who's calling please?" Serena asked before saying anything into the phone. "How do I know it's really you?" Serena waited, then her face lit up with a smile. "I've missed you too, Uncle Phil. I'm glad you got my message." She lowered her voice and said, “I’ve managed to escape Gilead, but I’ve nothing but the shirt on my back and that’s a donation from the refugee center. Is there anything left in grandfather's trust fund, or did it all go to Fred?" Serena's face lit up and she said, "that's great Uncle Phil since not only have I've escaped Gilead but I'm having a baby." Serena's uncle was overjoyed at the news and said he couldn't wait to see her and catch up. He promised to wire money to a bank account in the name of the trust which Serena had authority to withdraw funds from. They made plans for him to come and see her in a few weeks. "I can't wait for you to meet my girlfriend. She's very special to me and it's a long story but she is mother to this child I carry as well." Serena heard her uncle’s voice choke up, for a moment—then he pulled himself together and told her how happy he was for Serena. She thanked him and went out onto the porch for a minute. She really wanted to smoke, but she settled on taking a few deep breaths instead. _I'm not telling anyone about this yet. I have a few surprises I want to arrange for first before I break the happy news._

June stood, limping slowly out the door and walking to the porch, and stood beside Serena, smiling as she gazed at her lover. “You’re supposed to be icing your ankle.”

“Uh-huh,” June said, wrapping her arms around Serena, kissing her softly on the back of her neck. "You look happy, gorgeous. What’s got you smiling?" She laid her head on Serena’s shoulder, watching the sun shine on the snow, and the dear grazing at the grass that topped the dusting of snow on the ground. Hannah had been setting out carrots for them nearly every day saying she wanted to 'make friends with Bambi’. Serena’s hair shined like gold in the sunlight, and June continued to smile like an idiot, running her fingers through the long locks. "You look like a goddess" she whispered. "My goddess."

“You’re just love drunk, that’s all,” Serena said scoffing at June. “And I’m smiling, because I’m very happy to be home. I missed you.” _I should tell her about the trust fund—in case she’s worried about money, although she never seems to worry like I do. Maybe she does, but just keeps it to herself._ Serena’s grandfather had set up a skip-generation trust in her name, that continued to earn interest throughout all the years she lived in Gilead. Because she had not reached the age of inheritance at the time Gilead seized her assets and put them into her husband’s name, they never got their hands on it. They wouldn’t have found the money in any case, since it was always in the name of the trust—and it would stay that way. Serena didn’t want anyone to trace her by a bank account, and the way her family managed their wealth, it would stay untraceable. Although Fred had taken a small portion of her wealth, the bulk was safe for her whenever she needed it. And she needed it now. She wanted to take care of June, Hannah, Rita and new baby. She didn’t want to depend on the government to give them handouts. She wanted to be self-supporting, and thanks to her grandfather, she’d have that chance. “It’s cold out here, sweetheart. Let’s go inside so I can finish my breakfast. Those muffins are sinfully delicious.”

June nodded, standing slowly, leaning gratefully against Serena as they walked back inside. "You can finish your breakfast--as long as you let me finish mine,” June said, laughing when Serena blushed. They walked into the bedroom, June raining compliments on her love. "Beautiful ...radiant. Lovely. Sexy. Mine. I can think of a lot more words to describe you, my love. Shall I go on?" June teased, laughing when Serena playfully pushed her onto the bed.

“It’s not my fault you weren’t feeling up to finishing your breakfast earlier,” Serena said, grabbing half of a muffin off the tray, and taking a huge bite. When June protested, she shoved the other half into June’s mouth. Serena’s eyes were rolling behind her head, it tasted so good. She polished off the rest of the muffin, enjoying every bit of it, while June was still trying to swallow her bite. “Not to intimidate you or anything, but that muffin is going to be a tough act for you to follow,” Serena teased, flopping down on the bed next to June. “And I know you’re a big talker, but sometimes your eyes are bigger than your...mouth. So if you aren’t up to it, don’t worry. I’ll live. I’ll be turned on and frustrated, but I’ll live. Or, another option, if you can’t muster up the energy, is you can just watch me take care of myself—you’d like that, wouldn’t you?” Serena said, lying on her side and lifting the hem of her robe slowly, watching for June’s reaction.

“Allow me.” June was right on her, running her fingers up and down Serena’s slit, softly, and pressing her body against Serena’s. "Beauty," she whispered, kissing her lips softly. "Let me make love to you. Let me taste you. Let me show you how very much I missed you.”

 _For fuck’s sake, I thought that’s what we were in bed for!_ she thought angrily, losing patience with June. It took every bit of self-control to reel herself in, remembering the very large fight they'd had before she got taken in by the authorities, and how long it had been since June had touched her. She decided her best course of action, if she wanted to get fucked this morning, was to take a different tact. She leaned over and whispered into June's ear, "Please baby--don't make me wait."

June saw the look of annoyance cross Serena’s face, and wasted no time diving in. She ran her tongue along Serena’s slit, over and over, waiting until Serena begged with her hips before fucking her with her fingers, then slid two, then three fingers in. June moaned against her pussy, working furiously to bring her lover to orgasm. "Come for me, Serena...." June whispered.

Serena wasn’t about to let June off the hook that easy. It had been too long, and she was simply too fucking horny. “Mmm...that feels good baby,” she cooed, encouraging June to prolong her pleasure. “Do you think you could slow down a little, then speed back up?” she asked. June took Serena’s suggestion, and slowed down the speed of her thrusts, and released her clit from her mouth and switched to soft, licks. The effect was immediate. Serena was fisting the sheets and her hips were bucking, the teasing making her desire to come that much more urgent. “Fuck June, that’s so nice.”

 _Hmmm…June must be feeling better,_ Serena thought happily to herself _. I’m seeing a little of her feistiness coming back. She’s more like…well, June._ June had taken the hint and started teasing the hell out of Serena and she couldn’t exactly complain, because it’s what she asked for. But fuck, she was ready to come.

Serena moaned loudly, and June stopped her tongue just before she could finish, raising her head to stare teasingly at her. "Now.....let’s see. How long should I make you wait?" June whispered, placing soft kisses and nibbles up and down her thighs.

It would be so much easier if June would just keep fucking her and put her clit back in her mouth. Serena disliked begging intensely. However, desperate times called for desperate measures. Serena squeezed her legs together, trapping June's head between them, guiding her lips back to where she wanted them.

"Say please, Serena.”

“You’re going to make me beg? Is that how you’re playing this one?” Serena said, lifting her head up and looking at June with a smile, so she’d have no doubt that she was teasing. She flopped back onto the bed and said, “Fine—fucking fine—PLEASE fuck me and make me come. PLEASE!”

June laughed, and did exactly as Serena asked, fucking her hard and fast, and sucking on her clit, making her come within minutes. She continued to lick her softy while her body was still releasing, then lay down, exhaustion filling her as she wrapped her arms around Serena, her lips catching Serena’s once more. Serena wrapped her arms around June’s neck and pulled her deeper into the kiss. “I really, really love how I taste on your lips. It’s very fucking hot.” June laid down beside Serena, her head on her chest, sighing contentedly.

After a while, Serena broke the spell. “I would love to spend all day making love with you—but I should probably see how Rita’s doing. I haven’t been around, so I’ve not exactly been pulling my weight around here. I don’t like leaving her with everything to do. I’ll get you another ice bag so you can keep your ankle elevated some more. You’ve had a rough few days worrying about me, so you should relax today and let me worry about everything.”

"Then I'm relocating to the couch. I need to be better for my hike with Hannah tomorrow,” June said.

“You can barely hike from the bedroom to the couch without help. That ankle will take at least a week to heal.” Serena elevated her foot, and went to fill a bag of ice for June. She wrapped it in a towel and placed it on her foot carefully.

"I'm going on that hike tomorrow. I'll be fine if I wrap the ankle. It's only a minor sprain," June said, ignoring Serena’s eye roll. "I promised Hannah, so I'm going. You can’t tell me I can’t go. I will be fine. It's only a few miles or so—it’s not far at all."

Serena blinked at June a couple of times, trying to figure out her next move. If June was going to be completely stubborn, impractical and unreasonable, she wasn’t going to wade into another fight with her. She wanted at least one more night sleeping in their comfy bed before she had to camp out on the couch because of whatever unreasonable fight, demand, old hurt or whatever June was going to pull out of her bag of tricks. “Ok. Have fun.”

June looked at her suspiciously, wondering where the fireworks were. "You’re not even going to insist on going with me? I'm surprised,” June said, looking closely at Serena’s expression. It was wearing on her resolve. She wasn’t being stern, or angry—she just looked incredibly sad. "Uggh. Fine. That’s worse than puppy dog eyes, ok? I don’t know how you’ve managed, but you’ve won. I won't go. I'll wait a week. I'll explain it to Hannah. I'll stay here. Serena, stop that!" June shrieked, dissolving into laughter when Serena sported a triumphant, smug grin.

Serena’s smile lasted for several hours. Truly, she was relieved she didn’t take June’s bait. And that is what June tended to do—bait her. She planned to pay attention to that, so that next time, she wouldn’t fall for it. It might help them avoid a lot of fights. Eventually, she hoped June would stop baiting her—but she probably was testing her authority, testing Serena’s temper. She wanted to see if she could assert what she wanted without being over-ruled or screamed at.

The rest of the day passed uneventfully, and Serena was very grateful for that. June and Hannah spent most of the day together reading, Rita was busy stacking firewood outside, and Serena spent some time reading, and thinking about the best way to make use of the money in her trust fund. Her uncle said everything should be set by the end of the week. She thought the first purchase should be car. That way they wouldn’t be trapped in the middle of nowhere. Nothing fancy—used would be fine. Just something to get them around. She hated being dependent on Moira and the refugee organization for everything that they needed.

Serena made chicken with asparagus for dinner, and it was a big hit. Rita was especially happy because there was yet another cook in the house, and it wouldn’t fall all to her to handle the family meals all the time. June put Hannah to bed, and read her a story, and by the time she was finished and came downstairs, Serena had fallen asleep on the couch with a book on her chest. June picked it up to see what she was reading: _Investment strategies for women_. She thought that was odd, since they didn’t have 4 cents to invest in anything. She tried to wake her up so they could go to bed. All she wanted was to lie next to Serena and feel safe and at peace again, but Serena wasn’t moving. June gave in, sat down and adjusted Serena slightly so that her head laid in June’s lap. She held her close, stroking her hair and wrapping a blanket over them, before turning out the lamp. "Sleep well, my angel."

**Author's Note:**

> This piece is born of our mutual obsession over Serena and June and all things Handmaid's Tale. I want to thank @serenasredemption for striking up a conversation that has born some quite decent fan fiction. I hope you enjoy it! It's already written--we're just editing chapters, so there won't be long delays in updates. Thank you all for stopping by and we hope you enjoy it.


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